Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

My boyfreind show all the signs of having Narcissistic Behavorial Disorder, he is mean spirited for no reason, he is always right and turns any and all situations around so that he's never at fault. He puts me down , he makes me feel as if no one else will wants me. He holds grudges for week, sometimes months ( the longest was 3 months.) He does not like to do anything so I sit in the house all weekend doing nothing after working all week. When we do go anywhere it's always when it's late evening when everything is about to close. The only time he wants to do anything is a trip to walmart to get food and home products?? I have been with him for 10 years and I really love him but it's getting really hard to deal with. All of the experts say run,run , run but he has some good qualities and I love him. I really think he loves me but he does not know how to show it. I don't want to leave because of a condition that he has no control over because it's really pitiful and he can't admit to having it because one of the signs of this disorder is to not own up to it. So it's been a week living in the same space with little to no conversation. I try to do little things to break the ice but NOTHING on his part! He does not appreciate all I have done for him and he does not like people, his family , my family, my adult child, his adult children no one! All I do is cry what do I do? It's easy to say leave but it breaks my heart to have to leave him like all of the others who took off running! I am misarable and I don't know what to do because I know we click on so may levels and I hate my life and I don't like being alone!

I understand what you're going through and yes I also know that its easy for others to tell you to leave him, run, and get away, that is made so difficult and being told that doesn't help.

Does he abuse you physically, or similar, I was in a relationship with a controlling person for 7 years and it is so very hard to get out, no one else can make you get out, you've got to do this yourself, you've got to want to get out, I don't think talking to him will do any good, perhaps you could try counseling I tried every possible way of making the relationship work, in the end I knew I was flogging a dead horse, you can't make him change its got to be his decision, Ive added the text from a file I have or part of it, to this post read it it might help.

I wish you lots of luck, and also be warned you will need to plan your exit if you choose to get out.

From file named The Loser.

Ending the Relationship
Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

Follow-up Protection
"The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated.

During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:

- Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.
- Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.
- Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.
- In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it."
- When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal!
- Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal.

Summary
In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence.

If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser".

Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D. a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals.
Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist
Website: Joseph M Carver, Ph.D. - Clinical Psychologist
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Awww... I understand what you're going through.Its a "with or without you".. innit? I am no expert or anything but I tell you this,if you love him,you got to help him out.Nothing would come out of fighting with him.Have you been away from him? Like,maybe a month or so? If not,try giving that a shot.Maybe he'll realize your worth and learn to appreciate you more.Stop expecting him to change and maybe you'll see things in a new light.
There's a better panel here who can give better advice.Its just my point of view. Always helps to talk it out,huh?
Keep smiling and be brave. :)

First of all, did any psychiatrist see him?

If he does have a situation like that, you have to decide whether you want to put up with that or not, knowing you will have to work on it maybe as much as he does (do you think he will?) or maybe even more to keep your life -and relationship- together.

"but he has some good qualities and I love him"
"to leave him like all of the others who took off running! I am misarable and I don't know what to do because I know we click on so may levels and I hate my life and I don't like being alone!"

Think of the reasons you stay with him. Be honest to yourself, why do you want to be with him if you're not happy? If you "hate your life"?

He does not abuse me and I won't allow it. He understands that I will not tolerate that and he was not raised to physically abuse and he better not try it! He controls me to a certain extent and then I either say something which starts and argument that will last several weeks or just keep quiet so that it can blow over which rarely happens.

Your relationship is abusive its emotional abuse and this can be far more damaging, I also had a Narcissist Mother, and they can do so much damage. All Narcissists are very damaging to anyone near them.

You really need to re-evaluate your relationship, and consider leaving , unless he agrees to get treatment.

From what I know there isn't much that can be done with narcissism.

He will not get help because he does not think anything is wrong with him! I do love him very much and I hate that he have these issues because he has good qualities also like he's a hard worker, when times are good he keeps me in stiches but I walk on egg shells because I just never know what can cause an argument which last days even months. Yes we have separated for like 3 months both being bull headed but it's mostly me who makes the 1st call. He does but the majority of time it's me because over the last 10 years it's been lot's and lots af arguments, so called braeakups etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by srmedley

He will not get help because he does not think anything is wrong with him! I do love him very much and I hate that he have these issues because he has good qualities also like he's a hard worker, when times are good he keeps me in stiches but I walk on egg shells because I just never know what can cause an argument which last days even months. Yes we have seperated for like 3 months both being bull headed but it's mostly me who makes the 1st call. He does but the majority of time it's me because over the last 10 years it's been lot's and lots af arguments, so called braeakups etc.

Then you are going to have to consider, do you want to remain as his doormat and put up with a life like you're living forever, or think of your life and move out, if he isn't prepared to do anything himself which is quite common with the NPD, then you really need to consider ending this relationship. I hope you can find the courage needed, you've made the first step by posting here.

You can get help from Women's Aid Refuges in UK or the equivalent in the USA. I work for one in UK, and they will help you immensely.

Please let us know what you decide to do..

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you'll get the courage and admit to yourself that you need to leave.
You are in a relationship that is bad and you are unhappy but you don't want to be alone. Perhaps you need to go to counseling to figure out why you are willing to be mistreated, why you feel you don't deserve to be happy.

If you are with a creep who has no problem being a creep then you have to ask yourself if you can continue to be miserable and stay with him.
If he is ill and refuses to admit he he ill, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to continue to be miserable and stay with him. Then if you choose to stay, you need to get some counseling yourself.
What is in the relationship for you if you are unhappy?

You said... "when all the others to took off running". Those words speak for themselves.

Don't waste any more time. If he doesn't want help you can't make him get help. I would get out.

You either keep taking his crap, or shuck the whole thing and leave, because it will never change until you change it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You either keep taking his crap, or shuck the whole thing and leave, because it will never change until you change it!

As long as you keep saying how sweet he is sometimes and making excues for his behaviour, you will never leave. Ten years from now he will still be the same and you'll be ten years older. Wasted time.. you and the children who he doesn't like. He is a lost cause and you will be too if you stay.

Only you can make the changes, and get out of this toxic relationship, or you put up with it, this may sound harsh but its true.

Hes not going to change how he is anytime soon you've said yourself that he won't admit to anything being his fault.

Its really is up to you, we can advise you, but if you ignore the advice then expect to continue as you are.

This may help you make up your mind, I hope you can do the right thing about this for your sake, you deserve happiness and to be loved and wanted, don't deprive yourself of this..

Narcisstic Personality

Overview
A personality disorder is a consistent pattern of beliefs, thoughts and behaviors that cause one to frequently approach others in a distressing manner, inappropriate to the context and culture. People behave in a manner consistent with the roles they determine themselves and others to hold within society, along with the way they believe the world to function. A person with a disordered personality is attached to a position that is dysfunctional to healthy interaction.

Narcissism
Narcissism refers to such a condition, characterized by both an inflated sense of self-importance and a complete lack of empathy for others. Narcissistic people tend to be entirely self-serving, unaware of anything existing beyond their own needs and perspective. They require constant signs of approval from others and are terrified at the thought of rejection. Though appearing strong and firm, narcissists operate from a paradigm rooted in fear and a sense of fragility that prevents honest interaction.

Relationships
Narcissists minimize others. They antagonize and belittle those they deem to be inferior. A narcissist doesn't conceptualize people besides himself as individuals with their own purpose, thoughts, or choices. Unable to see beyond his own needs, he is quick to take advantage of those in his presence who are vulnerable. A narcissist will thoroughly disregard the feelings and desires of intimate partners, and expect companions to simply go along with whatever he plans. A narcissist is incapable of true intimacy and finds difficulty maintaining relationships.

At Work
Narcissists easily become jealous of others' accomplishments and paranoid of their intentions. The possibility of pursuing a win/win scenario between colleagues doesn't exist within the mental framework of such a self-serving person. Narcissists see life as a game where only one person can win and the other must lose. Furthermore, they think that others operate by the same ideal. Fearing the shame they associate with disappointment, narcissists are determined to "get others first" and have no problem violating moral entitlements in order to stay ahead.

Underlying Issues
Narcissism actually stems from a deep-seated sense of low self-esteem. All the grandiose behavior is merely designed to counteract feelings of inferiority lying underneath. Determining himself ill-equipped to meet others sufficiently at an equal exchange, a narcissist belittles people in a desperate attempt to level the playing field. Taking someone else down a notch allows a narcissistic personality to temporarily feel better about himself, but simultaneously moves him away from the genuine sense of worth and connection he desires.

Implications
An individual with a personality disorder has adopted an inflexible way of thinking and behaving that will come forth in all his endeavors. Narcissists become stuck to strategies that are harmful to themselves and others and find difficulty adjusting their approach. They will not put aside the tactics they use, even when the damage being caused is apparent. People with narcissistic personalities do not readily recognize their view as distorted. For this reason, treating the condition is often arduous. With determination, counseling and patience, however, the person may eventually find balance and a place within the group.

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Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and you know in your heart that he has systematically destroyed you and your family relationships. He is isolating you and controlling you and you’re allowing it to happen.

Only a very small percentage of abusers can be helped, then they have to want the help. Since he doesn’t feel like he has a problem, then there isn’t even a shred of hope out there. Some abusers actually do have narcissistic personality disorder, but they cannot be helped and there is nothing you can do to love them enough to make them well.

Don’t get sucked into the “he can’t help it” attitude - no excuses. There is NEVER AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE. He has a serious problem and there’s not much hope of fixing it.

You are a human being that deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Leave him for yourself and your family. SAVE YOURSELF - RUN!

Once again I can say I do know how you are probably feeling, and I also know how difficult it can be to make that giant leap of faith and summon up the courage to leave this kind of relationship.

Even if you don't leave right now, at least get in touch with your areas, Battered Wives, ( or whatever its called in USA) they can get you started on counselling, and you can also get some legal advice, housing information, and much much more, and you could then make plans to leave.

For your own sake I do hope you can summon up the courage to do this, you are worth so much more, no one should be walking around on egg shells being treated unfairly or talked down to etc.

No one here is trying to be nasty to you, we would just like to know you are willing to make a move on restarting your life without this person.

Please give it plenty of thought. Its in your own interest.

You know in your heart he won't change, can you cope with this kind of life from now until you die?

Do you have any children?

Quote:

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Once again I can say I do know how you are probably feeling, and I also know how difficult it can be to make that giant leap of faith and summon up the courage to leave this kind of relationship.

Even if you dont leave right now, at least get in touch with your areas, Battered Wives, ( or whatever its called in USA) they can get you started on counselling, and you can also get some legal advice, housing information, and much much more, and you could then make plans to leave.

For your own sake I do hope you can summon up the courage to do this, you are worth so much more, no one should be walking around on egg shells being treated unfairly or talked down to etc.

No one here is trying to be nasty to you, we would just like to know you are willing to make a move on restarting your life without this person.

Please give it plenty of thought. its in your own interest.

You know in your heart he wont change, can you cope with this kind of life from now until you die??

Do you have any children??

You are the one asking for help. I feel you want to make a drastic change
But yet you're not wanting to lose this guy! Why in the world would you want to live with someone who has treated you so badly?

You say you are the one who calls first after you've broken up? I believe he wants out as much as you do. You can spend the rest of your life "walking on eggshells" or get out! Some woman may like the whole business of being told what to do, yelled at, put down... I hope you're not one of those... Get out. He could possibly even have another woman fooled and be waiting for you to leave..