Ask Me Help Desk - A confusing situation

My girlfriend of close to 5 years recently broke up with me about 3 weeks ago with her reasoning was that she's afraid that she may be missing out on her youth, me being her first boyfriend, and us being in our mid-20's. In made the difficult decision of just letting her go and not pursuing the matter any longer, as this seems to be something that may come back to her even if we somehow try to make things work. My belief is that she truly does need to find herself and if this relationship were to work out, that would be one of the prerequisites.

At risk of sounding hopelessly nostalgic, we really did get along and our personalities just clicked. Though, the past few months I've been a bit distant due to work; and I suspect this fueled her decision.

Well, I decided that the only sensible thing to do would be to try to get my life back in order. I began seeing friends again and pursuing old hobbies, also took a hard look at the deficiencies of our relationship and have been trying to make improvements on myself in that matter.

While I know you guys here are all about NC, it's harder said than done. I've spoken to her on briefly here and there, but tend to try to keep things short. This is where things get confusing, she still tells me that she misses me and has been questioning her decision.

As much as I'd like to see this relationship work, I feel that I can't force her into making any decisions. She, and only she, can make them for herself. I really love this girl and had our entire future planned out, so guys the question is: what's the best way to approach this?

Give her the time she needs without the reminder of you,i.e. phone calls texts,she won't go and find herself,experience new relationships if your still in the picture.

Of course she misses you,you have 5 years of habits together and your safe,she knows you,to fully go out there and 'find herself' she has to immerse herself and think of herself as single.

She is single,and so are you.

I would also advice you don't wait around for her to decide she wants you back,it could be along time,and she may decide she likes the freedom of being single.

Your doing all the right things,keep improving yourself,and start being strict with no contact.

Its not easy,if it was there would be no sad songs on the juke box.

Its over,and that's how you have to think of it,I realise your still on good terms,but this is what she wanted.

It's not easy to completely cut 100% contact the day following your break up. You end up easing into it slowly, in some cases, really slowly.

You've grown a massive dependence on each other over the last 5 years, so no one can expect you to completely block her out instantly.

Furthermore, for some people, NC might not be necessary. The reason NC is suggested is when there is prolonged suffering. NC makes it easier to heal from the break up.

Take your time and see how things go. When you feel that you're not making any progress in the healing process, then you can always use NC to help out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

give her the time she needs without the reminder of you,ie,phone calls texts,she wont go and find herself,experience new relationships if your still in the picture.

of course she misses you,you have 5 years of habits together and your safe,she knows you,to fully go out there and 'find herself' she has to immerse herself and think of herself as single.

she is single,and so are you.

i would also advice you dont wait around for her to decide she wants you back,it could be along time,and she may decide she likes the freedom of being single.

your doing all the right things,keep improving yourself,and start being strict with no contact.

its not easy,if it was there would be no sad songs on the juke box.

its over,and thats how you have to think of it,i realise your still on good terms,but this is what she wanted.

Thanks for the prompt answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

It's not easy to completely cut 100% contact the day following your break up. You end up easing into it slowly, in some cases, really slowly.

You've grown a massive dependance on each other over the last 5 years, so no one can expect you to completely block her out instantly.

Furthermore, for some people, NC might not be necessary. The reason NC is suggested is when there is prolonged suffering. NC makes it easier to heal from the break up.

Take your time and see how things go. When you feel that you're not making any progress in the healing process, then you can always use NC to help out.

I've definitely been reading through the forum prior to posting. This goes against what I've read. This may just be me rationalizing, but it seems like to me brief contact may be the best here. Staying in regular contact seems to be the worst decision as I don't want it so that I'm, for a lack of a better word, an emotional crutch for her to move on. Though full out NC seems to be a bit harsh and to be honest I'm not sure I could go through with it either.

Which brings me to brief contact, I think it'll keep things open so she knows that I'm still here for the time being, but also moving on with my life. However, my presence isn't so overbearing that she'll never have a chance to miss me (yes, I realize that I'm turning into THAT guy). Because really, at the end of the day, as sad as it is, I would really to see this work out but if it doesn't well - that's life.

Any input?

Sometimes NC is not necessary.

Sometimes NC is necessary or else you will only continue to suffer.

Only time will tell what's the best option for you. Let things flow and see how it goes, you don't need to make an absolute decision this instant.

However, I do suggest that you focus on healing from your pains rather than hanging to the past.

Quote:

This is where things get confusing, she still tells me that she misses me and has been questioning her decision.

This is one of the very reasons FULL NO CONTACT is highly recommended. To avoid confusion, and stop any false hope that distracts you from full and proper healing.

Nobody likes the idea, but the results speak for themselves. There is no such animal as limited contact. That's for the ones that can't let go, and like to be confused, as long as they could feed that hope.

You cannot build a life that you enjoy, and make good decisions based on facts and not just feelings when you are confused as to what to do.

Trust me guy, a female who says she MAY be regretting her decision to break up, is feeding you lip service, to keep you around, and available to ease her own emotional confusion, and loneliness, until something else comes along and she needs nothing, not even friendship, from you.

NC is the hardest thing you can do, but the absolute best thing for proper healing, and the pursuit of your own happiness.

Nothing is worse than being an emotional tampon, to a female that doesn't want you.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, thats just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule of Rules- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule- If an ex wants you back, It has to be on their own without your influence.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

This is one of the very reasons FULL NO CONTACT is highly recommended. To avoid confusion, and stop any false hope that distracts you from full and proper healing.

Nobody likes the idea, but the results speak for themselves. There is no such animal as limited contact. Thats for the ones that can't let go, and like to be confused, as long as they could feed that hope.

You cannot build a life that you enjoy, and make good decisions based on facts and not just feelings when you are confused as to what to do.

Trust me guy, a female who says she MAY be regretting her decision to break up, is feeding you lip service, to keep you around, and available to ease her own emotional confusion, and loneliness, until something else comes along and she needs nothing, not even friendship, from you.

NC is the hardest thing you can do, but the absolute best thing for proper healing, and the pursuit of your own happiness.

Nothing is worse than being an emotional tampon, to a female that doesn't want you. lol at this one , especially if she has PMT eh!!

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, thats just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule of Rules- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule- If an ex wants you back, It has to be on their own without your influence.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Take notice of the above, its sound advice and it will work for you, you have to let go. Move on...

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because you're stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, thats just plain crazy.

Fixed

Here's the thing, I think it's solid advice though it's a bit dangerous to have a one size fits all plan for everything and that's ultimately true for anything in life.

I suppose an update is in order, we'll be working things out after all. However, strict NC wouldn't have made that a viable option.