Ask Me Help Desk - How to deal with you mother

Hi guys - I am 29 years old and recently moved out of my house to live with my boyfriend of 8 years. However, my mother still hasn't grown to like him very much and consistently tells me how much better I can do. I know she is just looking out for me but this is the path I have chosen and my boyfriend is someone who has a good paying job and is very kind and gentle as well. I think my mother resents the fact that I didn't find someone more compatible with who I am on an intellectual level - she always says I have far too much education and potential for the future than to be stuck with a construction worker my whole life. Even though I can see where she is coming from - I would like her to respect my feelings more. She says she notices a difference in me when I'm around him versus my friends and tells me how much weight I've gained over the years having been with him. I find I'm just more comfortable now. And by no means am I unhealthily overweight - maybe just not the size 5 that I once was before. I'm finding it more and more awkward to talk to her lately. I'm even going out of my way on some occasions not to. How can I make this relationship work? Or can I?

There is nothing wrong with being in love with a construction worker.
They work hard and you should tell your mother to respect him.

As for your weight as long as it's a healthy size, tell her you're happy with the way you are. Don't be mean but just sit her down and say: "Mom...I love you, but i"m not going to live my life the way you want me too. I'm happy and you should be happy for me"... Maybe it will work.

I wish you luck and happiness... Kit

Your mother has no business making your husband sound like some sort of ogre, because he doesn't measure up to what she thinks is your intellectual level.

I presume his knuckles don't drag on the floor and he doesn't bathe in the swamp. ;)

Your mother is way out of line.

What she is really trying to do is drive a wedge in there. She wants you to realize her expectations of you, rather than be happy that you have a solid, happy relationship, which of course is the best part. She should be proud of you.

When she gets critical of your private life, including her opinions on your weight, tell her to bottle it. Be firm. Perhaps throw a zinger of your own, and ask her how her sex life is. Maybe that might be going to far, but you get my drift.

Be polite, but assertive, make sure she understands that any negative talk about your husband will no longer be tolerated. If she has nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Hopefully that will be a rule she learned in Sunday school.

You have no obligation to share anything personal, or offer any excuses, or try to explain your life, your husband, your weight, etc. It should be all off limits.

You can do it. Time to set her straight.

I agree that your mother shouldn't be judging him because of his occupation. Has she always been judgemental of him or is this something new?

I did notice though that you never once said that you were in love with him... only that he has a good paying job and is kind and gentle. As a mother I would feel better thinking my daughter was with someone she loved deeply, not just someone with a good paying job.

Could some of her concern stem from the fact that you've been dating this man for 8 years and instead of marrying him you have elected to shack-up with him?

Are you in love with him? You have lived with him for eight years. Maybe your Mom wants you two to get married and have kids. Who knows... keep posting.
That could be the worry.

Tell your mom she has done a great job of mothering you but she can stop now you're all grown up!

Since she is so concerned about your lack of intellectual stimulation perhaps she can come up with some slightly more cerebral topics of conversation than her opinions of your man and the size of your waistline.

Incidentally, your mum needs to be aware that there are several kinds of intellligence, many of which are not IQ based, and not being an intellectual does not make one stupid or inferior. I have real problems with the snobbery that puts construction workers below desk-workers in some kind of hierarchy.That's not a dig at your mum specifically but at the prevailing view in many societies. I have great respect for all the many and varied kinds of skills people have.

At the end of the day even if he did drag his knuckles on the floor and bathe the in swamp (lol Jake) it's your choice!

Next time she brings these subjects up I would just say, 'You've mentioned it before and I have heard you but we are going to have to agree to disagree on this. Now, let's talk about something else.'

Quote:

Originally Posted by QLP

Tell your mom she has done a great job of mothering you but she can stop now you're all grown up!

Since she is so concerned about your lack of intellectual stimulation perhaps she can come up with some slightly more cerebral topics of conversation than her opinions of your man and the size of your waistline.

Incidently, your mum needs to be aware that there are several kinds of intellligence, many of which are not IQ based, and not being an intellectual does not make one stupid or inferior. I have real problems with the snobbery that puts construction workers below desk-workers in some kind of heirarchy.That's not a dig at your mum specifically but at the prevailing view in many societies. I have great respect for all the many and varied kinds of skills people have.

At the end of the day even if he did drag his knuckles on the floor and bathe the in swamp (lol Jake) it's your choice!

Next time she brings these subjects up I would just say, 'You've mentioned it before and I have heard you but we are going to have to agree to disagree on this. Now, let's talk about something else.'

You hit the nail on the head... :)

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and to some, your words of harshness (ahem Jake2008). I realize you are just trying to give me some good advice, but my mother is not at all as crass and demonstrative as you may be insinuating. We simply just do not see eye to eye on this one level - relationships! It has been this way for many years and as I am sure you can relate (if you play a motherly role in anyone's life) that the general inclination for a mother is to protect one's child at all costs, particularly when they hold their child in such a high regard. I don't blame her for that. What I do need is some realistic strategies on is how to approach her in a positive way to tell her that my personal life is mine to navigate and to butt out in the area of relationships. To explain the background situation further, Devormeira, I have not just elected to shack up with this man in lieu of getting married. We have been together for 8 years simply because we are privy to saving up and buying a house together rather than spend the funds on some elaborate wedding ceremony. These days there are all types of marital unions, the most popular being common law (and perhaps marrying at a later date when the finances are in order). I am in love with this man, KitKat22, but I just need strategies to approach my mother and not add more fuel to the fire. By the way, I really appreciate your hands-on, no negativity approach to offering advice, which is what I expected adding my question on here. Perhaps I just need to further reassure my mother, like you had suggested, that I am happy in this union as I firmly believe that she is lacking that confidence from me. As all mothers can relate, I am sure she worries a great deal about my emotional happiness and whether I am truly happy in this union. Perhaps I haven't properly conveyed this to her in the past and she just needs that added reassurance. Thanks for this suggestion and I will use it in my future dealings with her. I am also open to any other direct strategies I can utilize to further relieve my mother's needless worry over me - but negative comments need not apply. I am a pro-active, positive person who believes in effective, not demonstrative, communication to handle dilemmas in my personal life. In other words, not adding fuel to the fire. I know the common saying is, fight fire with fire, but I find it equally effective to extinguish fire with water and not let your personal ego get the best of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishgurliepoo

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and to some, your words of harshness (ahem Jake2008). I realize you are just trying to give me some good advice, but my mother is not at all as crass and demonstrative as you may be insinuating. We simply just do not see eye to eye on this one level - relationships! It has been this way for many years and as I am sure you can relate (if you play a motherly role in anyone's life) that the general inclination for a mother is to protect one's child at all costs, particularly when they hold their child in such a high regard. I don't blame her for that. What I do need is some realistic strategies on is how to approach her in a positive way to tell her that my personal life is mine to navigate and to butt out in the area of relationships. To explain the background situation further, Devormeira, I have not just elected to shack up with this man in lieu of getting married. We have been together for 8 years simply because we are privy to saving up and buying a house together rather than spend the funds on some elaborate wedding ceremony. These days there are all types of marital unions, the most popular being common law (and perhaps marrying at a later date when the finances are in order). I am in love with this man, KitKat22, but I just need strategies to approach my mother and not add more fuel to the fire. By the way, I really appreciate your hands-on, no negativity approach to offering advice, which is what I expected adding my question on here. Perhaps I just need to further reassure my mother, like you had suggested, that I am happy in this union as I firmly believe that she is lacking that confidence from me. As all mothers can relate, I am sure she worries a great deal about my emotional happiness and whether or not I am truly happy in this union. Perhaps I haven't properly conveyed this to her in the past and she just needs that added reassurance. Thanks for this suggestion and I will use it in my future dealings with her. I am also open to any other direct strategies I can utilize to further relieve my mother's needless worry over me - but negative comments need not apply. I am a pro-active, positive person who believes in effective, not demonstrative, communication to handle dilemmas in my personal life. In other words, not adding fuel to the fire. I know the common saying is, fight fire with fire, but I find it equally effective to extinguish fire with water and not let your personal ego get the best of you.

I am a mother and yes I am very protective of my children even though
They are all grown. Mothers will always be protective of their children. As I stated before maybe your mom would be better with the idea of marriage and grandchildren and no that's not an excuse to get married.

I often think of some of the "winners" my kids liked. I had a say in their lives when they were at home if my husband and I didn't care for a person they wanted to date ,that was it. Lot of pouting and slamming doors, but they grew into wonderful adults as you have.

When you talk to your mom just tell her this man is the love of your life and would she want you to be with someone you were miserable with?
Tell her everything that is in your heart and also let her know you think she is a wonderful mother, but it's time to let go. Tell her you want her to be in your life, but you also want her too respect the man you love.

Once she knows your in it for the long haul and she has to accept it... who knows? I hope I've helped... Kit

I know how you feel because I've been feeling the same way too. Been with my boyfriend for a year and we're in love with each other. I have never met anyone like him and he makes me hope for the future and is my best friend.
For the past two months, my mom has been having issues with him and says he's not the one for me. I constantly feel my mother deciding my own life to even trying to convince me to move with her to her country when I don't want to. She always puts him as an excuse for everything that I feel and think. I cannot talk to her as I used to because she always goes in a different direction. She focuses more in asking me if I love him instead of focusing that I'm happy and he makes me happy. I feel she has set expectations of me and doesn't have much faith in me in creating a life without her. All she gives me is her blessings. I feel stuck in the middle between the woman who gave me birth and the man of my life who shows me that life is still worth living no matter what obstacles come.
She doesn't accept him and never will and honestly, I'm in love with him and would like to create a future.
I admire you that you finally made the move to be with him and hope that one day I can do the same, even though it will be a battle because my mother is quite different from yours. At least, I think. I wish you luck and hope you can create the life that you want and that makes you happy.