Ask Me Help Desk - Confused

Hey.. okay I'm going to start with me and my boyfriend broke up like 2 months ago we went out for over a year and the beginning I didn't know what I wanted I was so confused because I had just got out of a bad relationship and I didn't want to get hurt but over time he grew on me and I realized that I loved him so much and he treated me so well and then he just started acting different and I thought I didn't make him happy anymore and we started fighting a lot and I broke up with him and he just changed completely he isn't the same person like he won't talk to me at all and wants nothing to do with me and just forgot about me just like that as he never knew me and he has like me since he was in like 9th grade and now he is a senior and I'm a freshman in college and like a month after we broke up he came to my house and we had sex and he hasn't talked to me since and I still wish I was with him and I love him so much and I don't understand why and what to do and at the game I went with a different guy and he went into the locker room and I know he wants me and I know he loves me I just don't know how to get him back or if I even should so HELP ME

Ambur,

I know it doesn't feel like it just now but this will pass and you will be out there having a good time soon. Relationships come and go, they break up all the time. Then you meet that one person and really know that he feels the same way. Mean time be good to yourself. Get out and have some fun.

This relationship is over. Or should I say sex is over. You do not truly love this guy, and this guy only wants you for sex. It is time for you to say adios, and begin a new chapter.

Joe

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I just don't know how to get him back or if I even should so HELP ME

He doesn't love you and NO way should you take him back!

First let me say that is the biggest run on sentence I may have ever seen. Now on to your problem….

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Originally Posted by Ambur

Hey..okay im going to start with me and my boyfriend broke up like 2 months ago we went out for over a year and and the beginning i didnt know what i wanted i was so confused bc i had just got out of a bad relationship and i didnt want to get hurt

But you didn’t take time to figure out what you wanted in a guy. All you knew is you didn’t want to get hurt. So this guy came along at just the right time and played his cards right and hooked up with your for a year and half.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

but over time he grew on me and i realized that i loved him so much and he treated me so well and then he just started acting different

I’m guessing that he treated you pretty much the same all the way through. Your only concern was not getting hurt so you didn’t notice how he truly acted in the beginning of the relationship. Beyond the nice things he said to hook up with you, you didn’t notice truly the kind of person he was.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and i thought i didnt make him happy anymore

You didn’t. But you never did to begin with. He was just out after one thing.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and we started fighting a lot and i broke up with him and he just changed completely

No he didn’t. He was always that way. You were blind to it. Blind by love, blind by his persuasion, blind by focusing too much on yourself not to see who he really was. Could be one of those or a combination of all three.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

he isnt the same person

Yeah he is.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

like he wont talk to me at all

He is not required to talk to you. He is your ex.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and wants nothing to do with me

He is not required to do anything with you. He is your ex.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and just forgot about me just like that as he never knew me and he has like me since he was in like 9th grade and now he is a senior and im a freshman in college and like a month after we broke up he came to my house and we had sex

So after treating you like dirt you let him get a piece. What message to you suppose that sent him? It wasn’t one of value.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and he hasnt talked to me since

Why would he?

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and i still wish i was with him and i love him so much and i dont understand why

Well since you broke up with him you’ve done nothing but focus on him. Focus on something else. Anything else. Get on an exercise program. Remove all photos, phone numbers and anything else related to him from your life.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and what to do and at the game i went with a different guy and he went into the locker room

So what? What does that have to do with anything?

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and i know he wants me

Mmmm No, no he doesn’t .

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Originally Posted by Ambur

and i know he loves me

Mmmm No, no he doesn’t. My first clue was they way he scooped in when your were vulnerable. My second clue was the way he treated you. My third clue was the way he didn’t talk to you for awhile then slept with you, then didn’t talk to you again.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

i just dont know how to get him back or if i even should so HELP ME

You should not get him back. He used you. You should now regroup and try to get out of this denial your living in. When you get your head on straight in a couple of months maybe even 6 or 8 months from now when everything isn’t so emotional you should look back and figure out some of the mistakes you made so that this never happens again.

Another GREAT analysis chuff.

Well, Chuff said it best and you really must listen to his advice for your own sake.
Sorry Chuff, I would rate you but had to spread the rep.

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Originally Posted by Ambur

i didnt know what i wanted i was so confused bc i had just got out of a bad relationship and i didnt want to get hurt but over time he grew on me

This sounds like it was initially a rebound and no doubt he took full advantage of your confusion and vulnerability.

I am sorry to say this but he did not love you. I am willing to place a high bet on that.

He has USER plastered all over him, he treated you like dirt as Chuff points out and wanted you for only one thing...

He was not the man you thought he was and you were definitely blinded here and I would not be surprised if he knew this perfectly well. I know it does not seem like it now, but as Chuff says, in time, perhaps 6-8 months (good timescale) you will begin to see that what advice you are getting here all makes sense.

It is all too easy to see all the good things after a break-up when you are the one left behind and you don't focus on all the bad things as you should do. Quite often, the bad outweighs the good and the relationship is broken because of this very fact.

You need to learn to value yourself much more than this, you are worth more and are most likely too good for HIM. So, cut him out of your life, thoughts, take some time out to focus on you, and you alone.

Why waste your time on this user? let him reap what he sows... Those who live by the sword, shall die by the sword (as the saying goes) and maybe that in itself can give you some kind of comfort. Consider yourself lucky to be free of him forever so that you can build a life without him and eventually find a good man who will value you for who you are and for all your good qualities.

I know its not easy, you are hurting bad, I can tell and I know the pain.. I am also feeling pain, albeit not under the exact circumstances as yours but I do relate to the feelings that you are going through.. One piece of comfort I can give you is that it WILL get better in time and it really is a matter of time. The pain you are feeling won't go away immediately, there are no on/off switches here. You can make it better and improve the chances that you will heal more quick by focusing on other areas of your life.. Good advice I usually give is the following and it has worked for the most part for me:

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING! HE WON'T REPLY ANYWAY

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person.

I am not suggesting that this will mean that you will not feel pain but it will help the healing process. I am 3.5 months post break-up with my ex of 3 years and I can tell you, hand on heart, I still hurt inside, but not as much as I did 2 months ago.

I must warn you also that there will be many ups and downs and this is to be expected during your healing process.. I know I said he was a user and you are fortunate to be free of him but at the same time, it cannot be ignored that you have feelings for him and therefore you are still going to ride this emotional roller coaster regardless of this.

If you need to talk and feel more comfortable doing it here, then feel free to post any questions. There is a wide range of great people on here with a variety of experience that can really help and support you. Trust Me on this..

It will get better and I wish you well in your journey..

Alas Geoff, I too had to spread it. I really hate that thing. Good advice is good advice and should not be limited by us having to spread it. ARGH!

Ambur, Geoff gave you some awesome advice. And Geoff is a living some of what your going through. I hope you follow his lead. He's not rushing into anything after a break up. He's taking his time, healing his heart but also educating himself along the way. When and if Geoff CHOOSES to get into another relationship he's going to be so far ahead of most people that just bounce around from one person to the next. Because they never figure out why they get used or why someone "changes." We have seen Geoff come from confused and hurt to getting it and confident in a relatively short time. He was one of the 5% or so who realized that for this not to happen again he would learn from it. Be like that. It gives you power over the pain. It gives the pain meaning other than, "this sucks and I hate life." Geoff has decided that since he's going to be in pain, he' going to have control over it because he's going to learn from it. Do that for yourself. You this experience and this pain to learn from it and what led to it's cause. Learn why you were vulernable. Learn why he was able to use you. Learn why you were blind. Learn from it so that the pain has meaning. Otherwise it's just wasted pain, and you'll repeat the same mistakes over and over and over.

It took me over a decade to wake up and realize something wasn't right. Don't be as hard headed as me and just let yourself be free for awhile. In a month start educating yourself in what to look for that are signs in human behavior of users. In 6 to 8 months you can reflect back on this relationship and previous relationships and you'll start to notice problems occurring that you never saw or even realized when you were living it.
Then in the next relationship that you CHOOSE, not fall into because you were hurt, but CHOOSE to get into you'll be better prepared to deal with these issues as you live them and understand them as they are occurring.