Ok, so I have been married for almost a year. My husband and I were together for 3 years before we tied the knot. We seem to have the same argument over and over again. I feel as if we are not connecting enough as a couple. He feels that being in the same house together is enough for him and that he doesn't feel anything needs to change.

I argue that being in the same house in separate rooms is not being together at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm more of a roommate then a wife. I believe that couples need to make time for each other. He believes that we should basically do our own thing most of the time and if we happen to do something together, great.

I do have friends, hobbies, and interests that are outside of the marriage. I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I worry that we will grow apart if he continues to ignore my feelings and we lead such separate lives. Speaking to him about it gets me nowhere and usually makes things worse. And yes, I do approach him calmly and is a non accusing way. He usually just gets more annoyed and makes my feelings out to be irrational.

Is is normal to feel so lonely in a marriage?

This does not sound very good. When you first get married you tend to want to be together all the time and feel loved up etc, he is acting as if you have been married for many years, not newlyweds! It sounds as if he is scared slightly of commitment in marriage because he is trying to make sure he doesn't feel 'tied down' and can still do own thing.

Instead of talking about it as an issue (as he obviously can't talk about his feelings well) do things instead like rent a movie and get him to snuggle up on the couch with you, or to run a bath and ask him to join you, stuff like that. Hopefully he will start to understand how to enjoy his free time with you.

I really hope things improve because if it doesn't, you must re-think your relationship because this can not keep going on, it WILL get worse and get you down

Finding a happy medium for both can be quite challenging for some couples in the first year of marriage,if he was used to living on his own,it may be harder for him to adjust.

Do you have a common interest?
Something you do as a couple?

Do you eat dinner together?

Do you have a relationship tune up now and then,kind of check in with each other?

Sit him down and talk to him again,tell him your concerns,listen to what he says and try and find that compromise.

Redhead35,
He is so self absorbed in his own hobbies, that many of the things we used to have in common have started to dissolve. We are going to be trying golfing this summer together, but I have to admit that it feels forced. He has told me on more than one occasion that he has to force himself to spend time with me so that he "won't get in trouble" and that the only reason he is doing the golf thing is because of me "he is happy the way things are." Do we eat dinner together - sometimes, and sometimes that is the only time during the day that he speaks to me before heading to the computer for the rest of the evening.

Honestly, relationship tune ups and talking will fall on deaf ears. He doesn't want to talk about it, because to him there is nothing to talk about. It's my issue, because I'm the one who is unhappy and I need to work it out myself. I just feel frustrated... I never realized marriage would be this hard, especially since we had lived together before we were married. Marriage definitely changed the dynamic.

s.swift,

I agree. Unfortunately, it's not as simple as just asking him to join me in doing something. Half the time I get reject when I do that now. When he does agree I feel like he's just doing it because he knows I will want to sit down and talk again when he says no.

Because I feel neglected, it causes another issue. I have a hard time letting him go out and have fun without me. I get jealous because I wish he had the same enthusiasm about doing things with me. I get upset and angry and then I take it out on him.

I love him and I want things to get better. It just isn't an easy fix...

you're a team,and he needs to hear you when you say your unhappy,if he feels he has to 'force' himself to spend time with you so he won't get into trouble,you have both got a dodgy connection,you both need to reconnect.

would he consider some marriage guidance?

I don't usually recommend anger,as it does not usually fair well in communication,however,I would be angry,and hurt,and I would be expressing that anger.

the marriage is his responsibility too,it takes work on both parts,if he is slacking its up to you to put it too him that what is happening right now is not on and its not good.

he has a responsibility to his marriage.

time to rewrite the way you communicate,connect again.

suggest councilling,and let him know you both have a problem here,and if he values his marriage and you he will do his best to 'fix' what's going on or see his marriage decline.

When you say you were together for three years before you got married, what was he like then. Was there similar disinterest, or is this something that you didn't see coming, and has only been in the last year since you've been married.

If he was the same then, as he is now, did you expect him to change after marriage? If he has suddenly changed in the past year, when did it happen.

It is hard to get a grip on someone changing so drastically in only one year, without there being a past history.

Sometimes a drastic change of avoidance, reluctance, and disinterest can happen for many reasons including what the expectations of the partner are. If they are sort of a 'my way or the highway' sort of thing, or unrealistic demands, or where trying to change a person into somebody they are not, can backfire. Especially if the relationship was different prior to marriage.

That he makes no effort to communicate, or try to rectify what you see as an unbalanced relationship where your needs are never met, I'm wondering if there aren't more problems involved than you realize.

You are seeing the result, of your husband essentially giving up, digging in his heels, refusing to listen, and unwilling to change.

As you have described him, I'm hoping that you may have more insight into how and why this came about in such a short period.

This personally is not a relationship I look for at all. Being married is being a team. When I get married I was to be with my spouse as much as I possibly can. I think counseling is a great idea but for some reason I have this feeling your Husband isn't going to want to go. I hope the best for you!

He is a butt hole, there I said it, and I think you let him be and enjoy yourself because I can pretty much guarantee that if he sees your happy doing your thing he will at least be curious, and want to know what's up, then you can ignore the hardheaded fool, and keep doing your thing.

Its not an overnight fix, and its not a game. You recognize he is a hard head butt hole and work around his shortcomings and enjoy yourself.

Be patient, we men are slow, and the ones with there head up their own butts, and think they are so smart, are even slower. Run faster this time around.

What!! You didn't know you married a stubborn, hard headed, selfish butt hole??

How did you miss that, as it had to be fairly obvious. Bottom line, let him chase you again, don't chase him.