Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We have had our ups and downs but overall we have a strong relationship although we can never talk about sex. Recently though my boyfriend seems to have a very low sex drive. This is really unusual for him, he has always been the one who pestered me for sex. We went through a rough patch for a few yrs when I was a bit depressed and stressed, I was completely off sex that whole time and I know it killed him. He never puts in much if an effort when it comes to pleasuring me anymore, I think he thinks it doesn't matter if I come, that it's a freak accident if it ever happens he's never really tried to get me there. Thankfully I'm now back to my randy old self. But he's just not interested. I asked him about it last night and he says he's tired but I don't believe that at all. If he was tired why does he sit up late watching TV when in in bed wearing sexy knickers! I discovered recently that he's been looking ar porn when I'm out. I caught him wanking one day a few weeks back and have been checking the search history since. I don't mind the porn or anything, I do it myself from time to time. I don't think he knows that though. He specifically searches for pornstars a lot, I'm getting really paranoid tgat he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I don't understand this either though because I feel in looking great right now! I have a new job so everyday I am dressed well hair done and makeup done! I think I look better than I have in a long time and I've lost some weight. I just don't know what's happened! Is there something I'm not doing that he fantasises about but can't tell me about?Last night I sent him a very direct and sexy text message inviting him upstairs, he came up, acted like he knew nothing about it we had sex for about 20mins including foreplay and then rolled over to sleep. I finally got the courage to say something but he says he sensed tgat already and he's just tiredfrom work. Please if any men have any advice on how I can get him in the mood or how to talk to him about this or maybe other women who've been in the same position ( no pun intended) as me please help. I don't want to pester him and I certainly don't want to beg him but I need affection! I need to feel desired, I don't get anything from him but a peck on the cheak these days. I hope this makes sense and I haven't rambled too much.


Sorry for all the typos I'm on an iPhone and the predictive typing drives me mad! It's hard to read back on what you wrote too so :-) sorry!

Has he had a check-up lately? Does he drink a lot? Do drugs?

It could be one of several things. It could be that he is masturbating too much. It could have something to do with stress from work. It could be that he is low on testosterone.

Don't automatically think that it has anything to do with you.

He should be more interested in the real cause. And go to the doctor.

Good luck.

we have a strong relationship although we can never talk bout sex. Recently though my bf seems to have a very low sex drive. This is really unusual for him, he has always been the one who pestered me for sex. We went through a rough patch for a few yrs when I was a bit depressed and stressed, I was completely off sex that whole time and I know it killed him. he never puts in much if an effort when it comes to pleasuring me anymore, I think he thinks it doesn't matter if I come, that it's a freak accident if it ever happens he's never really tried to get me there. Thankfully I'm now back to my randy old self.

First off, don't take his actions as a knock on you personally as the lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater issue that needs to be dealt with in this relationship.

Not being able to talk about sex, is a killer. As who is a mind reader? You admit to being put off sex for years with personal issues, and he made some adjustments that have gotten you frustrated now that you are RANDY again. Well RANDY, things have changed since you were last around and it seems you have to make some adjustments, and not automatically assume he knows your back.

Maybe he got to use to the porn and Rosie Palms taking care of him while you were gone, I don't know, but I do know that you have to gently and without anger, or impatience communicate that the problems of the past are over and you want to announce RANDY is back, and willing to communicate with him, in words and actions. I would think acknowledging his "substitute" outlets, and not being jealous, would maybe get the conversation started toward working better together to resolve this issue, so you won't have to assume he knows you're wearing sexy knickers in bed, while he watches TV, and you get frustrated. (you could have walked out to the TV room, and given him a "special" invitation to join you)

The bottom line is, start talking, and comparing stories as to where did the sex go? You may be surprised, both of you. You can never go back to how it was, but you can move forward, and start again, once the issues are resolved by talking and listening, and not being jealous of a porn star who is there just to get his juices growing.

The two of you need to see a therapist.

Sometimes the use of porn to such an extent, that it replaces intimacy in a relationship, is as serious an issue as dealing with an affair. In a way it is. If he gets his sexual satisfaction from online porn stars, he's not getting it from you.

And you are left with flimsy excuses, and wondering if you aren't doing enough, saying enough, being attractive enough, etc.

Couples go through phases, yes, even years, where illness or other issues prevent intimacy. But, they can still be loving partnerships.

Without a truthful level of communication between you, you are not going to be able to stop why he does what he does, nor figure out why he doesn't do it with you.

With this imbalance in the relationship, where you are polar opposites in a department where you should be strong- together- and where you have had no satisfactory resolve, it might be a good idea to try counselling to get past this impasse.