Ask Me Help Desk - A boyfriend with a baby

I have read a lot of situations similar to my issue.I(22) have been dating with my boyfriend(26) for a year.I found out he had a baby just a month old from his family.His sister-inlaw told me.The family told him not to take that other woman.They want me to be their daughter-law.My boyfriend wants me to be his wife.I am so confused.I don't know what to decided now.I am still in college and I feel sorry for the child.Please help me,should I take him back and later on help the child??
ADVISE ME...

That is a decision only you can make and a tough one at that. He couldn't make it work with that woman and he wants you to be his wife. If he is a good man to you and you really want to be with him then be with him and take care of the child. If there is more to the story and you don't want to then please feel free to explain.

I would certainly question why he did not tell you himself,if the assumption from his family was that you were to get married,the relationship must have been serious.

You don't give much in the way of details,however, from your post it looks like you are thinking more about the child then he is.

It is a big sign of good character if a man is willing to step up to his responsibilities or not,if he won't be there and support this child,what a about future children?

Will he walk away as easily from them?

As regards the cheating,according to the time frame you gave,that's a different story,he has kept two major events in your relationship a secret,cheating and a baby,do you really want to continue dating this man?

This is a tough situation. You found out from his family. Why, after a year, did he not man up and tell you himself?

Will you be able to deal with all the baby mama drama? I can promise you that there WILL be drama in the future.

You have only been together one year and the baby is only one month old. That is way too soon to make such a serious decision.

Quote:

I am still in college and I feel sorry for the child.Please help me,should I take him back and later on help the child??

My advice is to stay in college, and do for yourself right now. There is no hurry to make a decision at this time, as you are on your own timetable, and your own path. Stay on it, as it will take a lot of time and facts to make such a large decision.

It comes down to what you want for yourself, NOT him, NOT his parents, NOT the child he produced, NOT the other baby mama.

Do your thing, and do it right, without the undue influence of others, as you have enough red flags and warning, to pay attention to, before you decide anything.

Not withstanding he is a cheater, produced a child behind your back, but also the attitude of his family toward this child, and what he does about this child's welfare in the future, that's his responsibility, is very important to judge him beyond the mistakes he has already made.

He and his family have their own motivations and agendas, that may NOT be in your interest in the long run, but the main thing here is YOUR right to process, and deal with what has happened in your own time, and way, without pressure from any one.

That has to be the #1 issue as far as you're concerned. And whatever the reason for the break up was, it made sense at the time, so don't forget that! So take all the time you need. There is no hurry to please one that has already hurt you.

I agree with Tal that your first thoughts should be for your own future. Feeling sorry for the child is not a good reason to stay in (go back to) a relationship with the parent who has lost your trust and/or respect.

If the baby is a month old, then he (if there has been a DNA test to confirm) got another woman pregnant about the same time he started dating you. That means he either didn't know she was pregnant until she presented him with the child, he has been ignoring her and living his own life taking no responsibility for his actions, or he has been leading a double life.

First thing for him, if it hasn't already been done, is a DNA test to confirm he is the father. All other actions for him follow that one.

The family can sit in bleachers and watch what happens. They have no standing in what ever happens between their son and the women in his life. He is is a grown man and he has to deal with the responsibilities that maturity brings.

I understand the desire to take care of a child in need (or who you are being led to believe is in need), however, there are other people and factors associated with this child including the woman his family seems determined to get rid of. Her side of the story would probably be very interesting.

Think long and hard about whether you can trust him or believe anything he says. From this point on could you take him at his word or would you be constantly wondering if he was really telling you the whole truth. Would you be looking for 'other women' and more children to show up?

Where is the child's Mother?

So him, and his entire family kept a very big secret from you.

You have been dating him for a year and the baby is a month old, so, he slept with another woman, got her pregnant, and kept her a secret too.

No doubt he has had contact with her, behind your back all these months, and has already had to deal with perhaps taking her to her doctor appointments, dealing with her family, deciding on a name, where the baby will be born, child support, etc. etc.

The baby has been in the picture in other words, for a long long time.

And you are thinking about marrying this guy, and accepting the baby, and his family?

To me that would be a backward slide into murky waters that will have you swimming around with more problems than just a baby in the picture.

While you are moving forward with your education and a positive happy life, under your own steam, you will be tied down and dealing with much more than you realized was going on with your boyfriend. His family, the mother's family, the baby, that is a lot to not only keep hidden from you, as far as the agenda goes, but a huge life changing burden.

I can only tell you what I would do. I would end the relationship for all the obvious reasons.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again.

Strange they took so long to fill her into the truth, and there is no telling what is left to discover that they haven't told her YET!!