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My dad just passed away and I seem to be going down hill.I don't care about anything.I haven't missed a day of church in the last 10 years until now.Im not mad at god or any thing like that in fact I don't believe id make it without him. I can't belife this has happeded
The last 10 months he lived with me and I took care of him and watched heiplessy as he took his last breath. Iwish I COULD FORGET ALL THE PAIN. What can I do to make it stop?:confused:
You might want to seek the help of someone from your church who can guide you through the grief process. When we experiemce loss as close up and siginifcant as you did, sometimes it becomes overwhelming. There is a path and process to grieving and with a little concrete help from someone who knows you and knows grief, you could be reunited with that path instead of feeling like you are floating in outer space.
I can see even from here that the "caretaker" in you doesn't know what to do next, or how to take care of you only because you've been so focused (and rightly so) on your dad. It was a very generous and loving thing you did taking such care of him in his last days. If no one else has said thank you for that, I will simply from the place that I wasn't able to do that for my father although I wish I could have (long story there). My dad died a few months ago. Thank you for the loving care you provided yours and my condolences for your significant loss.
I agree. The hardest part of coping with a loss is replacing the void that is created in your life. But it is something that must be done. Or the emotional sorrow will turn into physical afflictions.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Hey man life is life, life is hard, your not here for yourself you are here for others... my main goal in this life is to live for others and to help whoever I can... this life is not supposed to be comfortable, it hurts but you must keep pushing through it and never give up... others are worse off than you are you need to remember that. I support you man and will be praying for you, stay on the up and up... and if you feel pain never show it always stay strong cause it will boost those around you.
I was just the opposite, it has been a year now, but I was with my dad as he passed, watched as each breath got slower and slower, and less and less, until there was no breath at all.
He had lived a good and full life, he was ready to go and meet God.
For me it was a special time that I shared with him, a time when I knew he had left this earth and moved on to where we all want to me.
You mentioned church, so I will assume you are a christian of some sort. If that is true you believe we are all here on earth as a stanger, this is not our home, Heaven is our home and we are on this earth to live the best life we can, and then when called ( but not before) we are to go on to our real home.
For those that are saved and know God, death is not a bad thing, it is just part of life.
Just remember that your dad may be gone does mean he isn't around... your dad is with you all the time watching over you... he is in your heart and mind as long as you never forget him he will never leave you... keep him alive in your heart talk to him like you talk to GOD...
Give yourself time to grieve. The pain becomes easier over time. Try to keep active and talk about the good things your father has done; it will keep his memory alive. Remember to take it one day at a time, and some day you will walk out of the pain into happy memories.Quote:
Originally Posted by julie easterday
You need that time to grieve. Remember that God will always lift you up. God is your true father and he has blessed you with a good family. God would want you to know that your earth father is taken care of and his in the arms of the creator. The love that you both share will always be there before, now and forever.
My prayers are with you and your family at this time.
Joe
My heartfelt sorrow to you Julie,
At our church we sing a chorus:
'When I talk with Jesus
Bring to him my care,
With his own sweet comfort
Jesus answers prayer'
He is with you. Please speak with some one (in your church or outside). It is difficult road that you have to travel now. You are not alone. Gain strength from your family, friends. Cry when you need to. My father passed away 17yrs ago when I was 20, I still cry and always will but the pain WILL get easier to bear.
I hope you find the comfort & support you need.
God Bless
Moomin
I don't think there's really a silver lining in the cloud of losing someone you love and identify with as closely as a parent. I cannot imagine your loss and offer my condolences. Perhaps you can find some peace, when you think of how he suffered, to try to focus on a particularly happy memory you have of him from a better time? And, when you think of his death, think of it as an end of his suffering and a release of his spirit from a body that did not serve him any more, and caused him pain.
I think what will likely take you the longest to come to live with is his absence from your life, and you just need to give yourself some time. Time doesn't heal, but our lives are like streams - where there is a low spot, something will naturally flow along eventually to fill it. It happens subtly and we don't notice it at first.
It sounds like for now you are very depressed, and it might take some medication to flip that switch and help you recover. Consider talking to your doctor. Caretaking and loss are two huge stressors, and it's OK to get some help getting through this time.
Talking about it will help. You are on the way.
A part of life is death, your not alone. About 98% of all people see somebody they care about die.
What you have done is worked yourself up. When your father died you fell down in your tracks. And if you don't pick yourself up you'll feel a worse pain. Phisical and emotional.
Pray for your father. He can here you. Believe.
From,
Kriscool
I lost my father at 28 and felt robbed because it felt like our relationship was just growing.The day before I lost my grandmother and 6 months later lost my grandfather. Both grandparents were my mothers parents. All I can tell you is that time heels. It's tough, but be glad your still hear on earth. Dying isn't easy and is one of the toughest things as humans that we will have to go through. But the more you live and observe things, you'll see that God has worked this all out. My dad had Colon cancer and was only in pain for a very short while before God's plan took over. By plan, I mean God has designed into us things that we will only know when the time comes. Like "shock" and "adrenalin". People know when their time comes and don't fear death anymore. My grandfather told my mom to kiss him when she was sick and had a mask on.He had cancer and was sick.My mom had the mask on because she was sick and didn't want to infect my grandfather. He said "Take of that damn mask and give me a kiss." My mom knew at that moment that he was saying goodbye. Shortly after, he passed. Live until it is your time and be glad you have your health right now.
Hi Julie, you can cry and cry and never cry enough tears, I lost my father 26 years ago I still morn him, I did not know that he was dying from cancer for 7 yrs because it was hidden from me by my husband at his request apparently, I knew he had a throat problem and he told me that he had swallowed a fish bone and it had scraped his throat, how stupid did I feel after he died, he was in the navy when I was a child and I only saw him for about two weeks in every eighteen months, when I was seven he told me he was dying from a ulcerated stomach, he was used as a guinea pig in a newly discovered operation at that time. He survived and I enjoyed many years of his company but what I do not understand is that he could tell me as a seven year old that he was dying but he couldn't tell me as a twenty something year old, is not that I wanted to see him suffer is that I would have been there for him unconditionally like you were for your father and although it hurt so much for you to see him suffer, you were there and he knows that and although he probably couldn't show you his gratitude because his pain was so great, it meant the world to him, so take that in your heart and know how much it meant to him and that under all that pain was so much love. Feel him around you, know how much he loves you how and always will, hear his words as you walk around and challenge different situations, know that he is so close to you the only thing missing is his visibility. Hope this has helped, I lost my mother last June, but is my father that I cry so much for 26 years on, every year I write a message on his birthday in my diary a note on fathers day and at christmas, is not me keeping his memory alive, is him living within me. It will hurt Julie, sometimes more than others true love is like that, just think how much he loved you and vice versa and then think there are people that are hated by their fathers or don't have one, just think what you had/have is preciousQuote:
Originally Posted by julie easterday
Hi Julie, I'm new here, but I saw your post, and wanted to tell you that I went through a simialr situation... My father passed away Feb.9, 2006, on my mother's birthday. He had not been sick, he had been working as a barber, up until Nov. 17 of 2005, when he fell. He didn't appear to have imjured hmself, but we took him to be checked out at the hospital. He came home, went to bed, and the next morning, he was completely "demented" for lack of a better word. To make a long story short, my mother and myself took turns staying with him as he became worse and worse. There was never any diagnosis, other than trauma induced dementia. Toward his last days, he lost his ability to speak, eat, or recognize his family. It was absolutely horrible. He even became violent... trying to bite the nurses who were tending him.
I went through an extended period of deep depression following his death, and it took the help of my doctor, medication, and several months, before I started to come out of it. It's very hard to deal with the death of someone you love, and it benefitted me greatly to be able to talk to someone about it. That , along with medication and time, helped me to feel better. Talk to your doctor, and even someone at your church. I will keep you in my prayers... please don't give up. Your words brought back the memory of the shock and the pain that I went through, and I just had to say something.
God Bless, Martha
KRISCOO, IT IS OVIUS, YOU Don't HAVE THE GIFT OF COMPASSTION.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriscool
Julie, my heart goes out to you. I remember the day my Father passed away. It was my worst fear realized. I didn't know how to go on. I couldn't understand how the world could go on around me, like nothing happened. Like other's have said, there is a grieving process we all must go through. We grieve for a reason, it's our way of getting out the pain, the anger, the lose that we feel so deeply. I went, with my mother, to a grief counseling group. We were all there feeling the same pain, we could talk about it openly. Not being a particularly religious person, and being that this was a church counseling group, I asked a lot of questions. I don't even remember what my question was, but this wonderful woman answered me, with faith.. blind faith. That has stayed with me and will stay with me always. Please check in your area and see if there is a grief counseling group you could go to. Inquire at your church, maybe they will start one. Knowing I could go there and express myself, helped me beyond words. My husband also told me something, that helped me so much. I know this might sound strange, but here goes. We are made up of energy, that energy never dies, it just changes form. Around the same time, I went to an open house at my oldest's high school. He was taking a physics course, and I had to ask his physics teacher about his feelings on what my husband said, I am sure he wondered about my mental state, but it was important to me. His physics teacher told me it was true. It helped me to know even though my Dad isn't here in his physical form, he is here with me. It has been almost 12 years now, since my Dad has passed. I am able to think of him and smile, knowing how fortunate I was to have a Dad as wonderful as he. He was and always will be 'my hero'. It was very helpful, especially during that first year, to honor him at any opportunity. I would take flowers, marking every occasion, whether it be St. Patrick's Day or Valentines Day, it didn't matter how small the occasion, I wanted to be there. It made me feel close to him. Do you have any siblings?
I won't tell you it is an easy road ahead, it is not, but it is the path to finding the peace that we all need. Hang on, your feelings are absolutely normal. And I promise you, one day you will smile again.
My father died when I was 25 I was heart broken, but I had expected that it was coming because he had been sick for years. My mother just passed and this one really killed me, there is no getting over mom. My life has made a turn for the worst, as my grief and mourning are obessive, and I even fear my own Death. Death is scary especially the Dying process, taking those last breaths and struggling to breath is horrible. There is just no getting over it, maybe some due, but for me that's just impossible. I miss my mother and father so much, I want to be with them, but yet I am afraid to die and to grow old, I am also afraid to live, thinking what sickenss I will wind up getting in the future. As my mother was healthy for 80 years than all of a sudden she got deathly sick. It is a horrible thing to go though, and I know I will never be the same again.
We all know when we are diagnoised with a terminal illness such as Cancer, or kidney failure our time is up, and we shall surely die horrible in such a way that just the thought of it can kill us, or just destroy our mind before the disease takes over our own bodies. And that is why I fear growing old, as all of my family died with sickness.
I am so sorry to hear how deeply you are hurting. Like I mentioned in my previous post, we all grieve in our own way. What I didn't mention in my last post, was losing my Mom, five years ago. I remember being in the room as they tried to bring her back, I wouldn't recommend this to anyone. When my Dad died, he died with all his children around him. I wanted to be there for my Mom as well. My Mom's death was unexpected, my oldest brother was the only one who had made it to the hospital at that time. I was allowed to be in the room since I was her primary on her health care proxy. For whatever reason I needed to be there, I have mixed feelings about my decision. The next few years were very. Very difficult. The hardest part for me was selling 'our home.' It was a symbol to me, it held, or so I thought at the time, all the wonderful memories, it represented us, my parents, my siblings.. my family. I felt by selling that house, that we were wiping away my family. That wasn't true then, and it isn't true now. We carry our memories in our hearts, our love will live on forever.Quote:
Originally Posted by In Sorrow
I would like to ask you one question. What would your parents want for you? Having two sons of my own, I know I would not want them to live in fear. My parents would not want me to live in fear. Living in fear is not living at all. I know the pain you feel, I have felt it.
Understand that you have lost someone that meant everything to you. With that comes pain, fear, anger.. so many emotions. You have a hard road ahead, but that road does not go on forever.
I would like you to talk to a counselor, and let them help you sort out your feelings. We all feel for a reason. Learning what that reason is will help you to understand yourself, and get past what you fear. I know it's hard to imagine right now, but the pain you feel will one day turn to being thankful for all that your parents taught you, the love they gave you, and for having them as your parents.
Again, please talk to a counselor and let me know how you are doing.
You said you were in the room when they tried to bring your mom back, and you also said you would not recommend this to anyone, Why what was the experience that you had?Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade35
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