I just turned seventeen, but all my life I've had difficulty talking to my mother. She cares, but she's kind of a deadbeat with selfish tendencies. For many years I've been holding in my feelings about how angry she makes me and how much resentment I hold over her parental failures. On the few occasions I do try to talk to her, I can never get her full attention: she's always reading or on the computer or doing some other kind of work. I find it hard to have an adult conversation with her because she tends to cut me off in the middle of sentences and not listen to what I'm trying to say. But, I can't hold these emotions in forever, or I know I'm just going to go batsh*t insane on her and freak out. How do I get over my own worries and talk to her as WELL as rope her into speaking like an adult for a few minutes?

I am in nearly the same boat that you are. I would suggest that you call her so that she can't weasel her way out of it, and think of something before-hand to talk about. I hope you have success in repairing your relationship with your mother. You only get one family, so love and cherish all the time you have with them.

Get her out of the house. Get her to go for a walk with you or out to dinner. Somewhere you can talk freely without distractions.

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Originally Posted by aimee_tt

Get her out of the house. Get her to go for a walk with you or out to dinner. Somewhere you can talk freely without distractions.

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I kind of wish I could do that, but that would involve leaving my little sister alone at the house, which she absolutely won't do. And I'm more concerned with her reacting like a child than I am with her attention level.

Well take your little sister to a friends for a few hours.

I find it hard to talk to my mum about things so I write her letters. Have you tried that? Or if she is on the computer a lot... an e-mail.

As you've said:

Your mother is a deadbeat with selfish tendencies, and you've been holiding in anger and resentment for many years because of her 'parental failures'. You have emotions you are having a difficult time holding in, and you fear going batsh*t insane on her and freak out.

If you are blaming her lack of 'parental successes' as in you not being successful, because of her, just what failures are you talking about.

Is it a lack of parenting, direction, not seeing your talents, pushing you to do things you didn't want to do, too high or too low expectations in school?

Does she lack as a mother in general, or has she caused specific harm to you, or your development? Has she held you back socially? Intellectually?

If you need to talk to her, what are the issues.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

As you've said:

Your mother is a deadbeat with selfish tendencies, and you've been holiding in anger and resentment for many years because of her 'parental failures'. You have emotions you are having a difficult time holding in, and you fear going batsh*t insane on her and freak out.

If you are blaming her lack of 'parental successes' as in you not being successful, because of her, just what failures are you talking about.

Is it a lack of parenting, direction, not seeing your talents, pushing you to do things you didn't want to do, too high or too low expectations in school?

Does she lack as a mother in general, or has she caused specific harm to you, or your development? Has she held you back socially? Intellectually?

If you need to talk to her, what are the issues.

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Probably the biggest problem (among many) I've had with her is that while she goes out with her friends and texts on her phone, I'm left at home essentially raising her kids. More often than not we're left without groceries and I have to find things for the kids to eat. In the end, our roles are switched: she's the teenager and I'm the mom. Which has definitely held me back in many areas of my life, but that's not even what I feel the need to complain about. What I'm mad about is that she gives me all the responsibilities of an adult but doesn't trust me as the mature person I am. I'm hardly ever allowed to make decisions regarding my own life and she's constantly bossing me around like I'm a child. I've had to make so many sacrifices to her but when it comes down to it she just brushes me off as a whiny teenage girl who can raise the kids but can't make her own decisions.

This sounds like an extremely serious situation, that really isn't right. You sound like a very intelligent girl, and therefore you might need to give your mom the tough love, if she refuses to listen. You need to sit her down, and force your feelings into her, hit her hard so she realises just what her actions are doing to her.

It may sound harsh to do, but if she is continuously cutting you off mid-sentence, I know how annoying that can get. You just need to direct her full-on, and simply tell her how you're feeling. You've already approached the calm, mature side of talking to her, and that didn't work, so maybe this time, you need to be a bit more ruthless. Good luck :)

You have painted a much more complete picture of what you are facing, thank you for that.

I would be holding some resentment too, the teenage years shouldn't see you raising your siblings.

What's with the no food in the house. That is something quite different that having a simple meal to put in the oven. Does this sort of thing happen all the time?

It is likely because you are so competent at all the duties and responsibilities you have, that she may not want to lose a good thing. But, as you've stated, this is unfair to you, and unfair to the other children.

Do you have an aunt, close family friend, teacher etc. that you can talk to about this? Is your father in the picture anywhere, maybe grandparents?

I urge you to speak to someone about what is going on here. You need a break, and more appropriate responsibilities to your age. You are carrying too much of a burden, and then to add school on top of it. You don't have much time for much else.

You might also try another way to communicate with your mother. Send her an email. Tell her everything that you've said here, and that you need her to realize that what she expects of you is too much, and inappropriate, and you need her to listen.

I hope somebody listens to you, and soon.

You might also try another way to communicate with your mother. Send her an email. Tell her everything that you've said here, and that you need her to realize that what she expects of you is too much, and inappropriate, and you need her to listen.

I hope somebody listens to you, and soon.[/QUOTE]

Well as far as the no food in the house thing goes, I'm not sure if it's because she's too lazy to go out and buy things or if it's money issues, but it's not like we're THAT poor. She's a single mom, yeah, but she's also the charge nurse at a rehabilitation hospital, so it's not like we have to be on welfare or anything. I think it has to do with organization. Every now and then she'll get all motivated and buy a whole bunch of food and cook a nice meal every night but that rarely lasts a week and instances are few and far between. You can tell she wants to, but just lacks the motivation. Ergo, we're left without much choice of food more often than not. Every once in a while we'll take money from her purse and go buy bread and milk and stuff at the gas station, but basic things like that don't go very far.

She and my dad divorced when I was seven and my younger sister was three, and then his work moved him a few hours away. He wasn't really a huge part of our lives for a while, but I think for him it was more that he didn't think he was a good enough dad to deserve to see us. Meanwhile, my mom remarried and had our littlest sister. Then she got divorced again. So for a while it was me, her, and my two little sisters, but then the middle little sister got fed up with how things were and moved to our dad's house a little while ago, she's thirteen. SO, now it's just me and the little one. And mom.

I guess I've tried to talk to people about it but the thing that makes it hard is that you can tell our mom really loves us and would do almost anything for us, she just has emotional issues that she puts before us that really impairs everything. And I wish the little things she did were enough, but sometimes they're just not. I wish she'd just step up to the plate and do a little parenting. My littlest sister molly is very sweet and caring but is growing up like a little feral child with no manners or discipline. I'm lucky she has such a sweet nature or things would get REALLY hectic. I'm a little worried about how things will end up when I finally leave for college and mom won't have all the help anymore. People usually see how much I do not as something forced on me that I don't deserve but as something that I do completely willingly because I'm such a wonderful person. Instead of realizing the setbacks they just see a really great big sister.

I used to be able to get some messages across to my mom through therapy (we had separate therapists but would sometimes have group sessions) but recently my mom has completely refused to let me go because she doesn't want my therapist to see me solely on her co-pay, which I can't help but feel like was a really selfish thing to do. I'd been seeing her for years and a lot of the time I've really depended on her to help me sort out my feelings. I don't know if or when that's going to start again, but I'll be sure to keep badgering.

Anyway, thanks for your advice so far. :D

Would you say that it is a fair assumption that things will remain as they are for you, until you leave for school?

You certainly articulate some personal problems your mom seems to have, especially stepping up in the parenting department, and putting less on your shoulders. Most kids your age do basic chores at home, like cleaning up your room, or taking out the garbage. You have so much more on your plate.

Sometimes love is just not enough is it. People say they love you, but what love really is, is showing it. Communication, respect, consideration, putting other's needs above your own. To say it, and not back it up is like dangling a carrot, or having a few crumbs thrown your way. Just enough to keep you doing what you do, but not enough to help you do it.

I don't know what to say to help you change how she is, which is essentially the problem. I hope that you don't build too much resentment toward her that it will affect your relationship down the road when you have your independence. Hanging on to how unfair all of this is will only keep you down and not free of it.

What I can say is that the needs of your little sister, and you, are not being met. It would be good if someone could step in and say to her that she really has to lighten your load, and she would take a more active role in parenting. But that may never happen.

You may be the only adult here, and your influence on your little sister's life is one gift that you will leave when you go.

And when you do go, your mother will be forced to cope on her own, and she will survive by maybe hiring a babysitter, or a daycare centre for your sister. It's too bad that she is unlikely to address your needs.

I'd like to say some words of encouragement, and tell you its going to get better. Her reluctance over the counselling thing really just proves a point that she isn't about to change, nor does she want you to.

I hope you keep posting when you get feeling down about all of this. At least you can vent a little bit here.