In 1998, my exwife, and I divorced, and she promptly relocated to Germany. I was so relieved that she was gone, but the court awarded her temporary full custody of our 3 year old daughter prior to her departure. After 5 years of limited parenting time, due to the great distance, she, (for lack of a better word) dumped our daughter (then 9 y/o) on my doorstep. I am so grateful, and happy to have my daughter back in my life! However, she is now 11 years old, and acts just like her mom, who I find impossible to get along with. I know that it is not my daughter's fault, and that it is my personal issues with her mother that has begun to interfere with our relationship. I have tried to explain this to her, but she is a very sensitive child, and takes everything so hard. My question is this; How can I look past her inherited personality traits, and be the best father like I had planned to be?

Hi, Im not so old enough to answer you this question bt I xactly undstud wt I bothering you according to me u show her boyh the ways negative and positive.Even than if it does not work out then just try to mingle up with her in her own way and you see a vry good change in her

This is a really difficult situation for both of you, I'm sure. This age is hard for any father-daughter relationship and likely more so for you since she barely knew you until two years ago. It would help a lot if she had a woman in her life that she could relate to. Is there anyone? How often does she see her mother? Do you have a wife or girlfriend? Your mother? A sister or sister-in-law?

My step-daughter was 10 when I married her mother and I can tell you there's not much a strange man (and like it or not, you are strange) can do or say to be comfortably close to a pre-teen girl. I'm sorry not to be able to offer you a silver bullet. For what it's worth, though, I can tell you that my step-daughter and I are great friends now (she's 31) and her kids are the greatest grandkids anybody could hope for. I guess all I'm saying is don't have excessively high expectations in the short run, get all the help you can from the women in your life, and keep your eyes on the long-run prize. You sound like a good guy who genuinely wants to do right by his daughter. Stay focused on that and you'll be OK.

Keep in mind that she was raised by your wife for 5 years, so it's logical to assume that she is going to be like her in certain ways. And the things you didn't like about your ex wife are the things that are obviously going to bug you the most when they come out in your daughter. Also, consider the reasons you didn't get along with your ex wife. Were they legitimate reasons or just your own personal whims? For example, was your ex wife truly moody and overly emotional, to the point of being verbally and emotionally abusive to you and others? (Notice that I am going out of my way here to avoid using the "b" label because I want it to be seen as a negative character trait from an objective point of view and not merely a personality label.) If so, then it is your responsibility as a father to teach your daughter not to be that way. You don't have to take it from a "don't be like your mother" perspective but you need to instill in her positive character traits that will eventually help her to be a good wife and mother. It will be all the more difficult for you if she didn't have the best role model in the person of your ex wife these past 5 years but you've still got to do it nevertheless. I truly think that that's one way in which parents in our society fail our children, in that we don't teach them, while they're young, how to be good spouses and parents. I think a lot of parents are afraid that they'll be labeled as pushy if they emphasize that sort of thing while their children are young. But then we wonder why the divorce rate is 50%.

I don't have much advice for you, but I just want to mention to be careful on how you say things to your daughter. She is going through a lot to have been taken away from you so young, raised by her mother and now dumped on you... and now you tell her she acts like her mom too much? I think she would be going through torment thinking neither of you likes her... and she will blame herself.

I don't know the full extent of things, but I think you really need to put your daughter first. You have all these hang ups on her personality cause they remind you of your wife... well the Wrong thing to do is point blame. It causes anger and resentment. You need to let your daughter know you love her and accept her no matter what... if you don't she will grow up hating herself and thinking you can't stand her... do you really want her to think that way?

I think if you just show her love and try to influence, I say Influence not tell her to change... if you support her, well she will begin to take on your personality traits as well.

Another thing I try to remind people about pre-teens and teenagers, is that they are coming of an age where they start to look at themselves and try to identify who they are. They are growing out of the childish thoughts of toys and games... and they start seeing the world and social circles with different eyes. She needs to know she will be accepted...

Ok well I hope this was a little bit of help. I commend you very much for taking your daughter and wanting to give her a good life despite her mother...

Best of Luck

Thanks to all that have answered my plea thus far. We have made progress during the last 3 years of being together. I am a bit anxious to get on with it though. I know a lot of damage was done while we were separated. I will share a bit of history with you. When she first came to live with me, she would flinch, and duck anytime I reached for something near her. I later found out that her mother used to hit her often. I've since been able to instill trust by constantly reassuring her that that was not going to happen here. The man that her mother had remarried with was abusive to the point where her mother was hospitalized on at least one occasion.
Please don't get me wrong. I love my daughter unconditionally, she is a great kid. It's just the negative traits like: cockiness, poor sportsmanship, laziness, and selective hearing that she displays that irks the heck out of me. And when I try to talk to her about how these traits are unacceptable, the over sensitivity kicks in, and the tears and shaking voice take over, leaving me feeling like a real "A- hole" The expectations that I have are not abnormal, are they? Is the over emotionalism part of puberty? I just want to have fun with her again.

Cockiness- not sure

Poor sportsmanship- (I am going to guess you mean being a 'sore loser' and not referring to her being athletic)not everyone is good at losing, but it would be a good idea to encourage her to accept the win and loss of life with more ease... nobody likes a sore loser

Laziness- hah EVERY kid goes through this... I should have you talk to my mom... lol, Ive got this picture of my room when I was 9 or 10... umm wow it was BAD. I spent a lot of my time reading books an playing with horses... when it came to chores... UGH I was IMPossible.. I think I just out grew it at some point. I just asked my parents how they got me to clean up after myself, my mom says she just kept my door closed and made me live with it until I just didn't like it anymore... hah

Selective hearing - like she ignores you? Or says she didn't hear things when you know she heard you? This I am not too sure how to give advice...

These traits are definitely worth your concern. It sounds like you want your daughter to be a grounded and mature person. I think it is great that you want to improve her, just have patience! Have you considered counseling for her? I'm not saying it is necessary... but I don't think it would hurt. She has dealt with abuse and neglect, so maybe she will be able to work out any hang ups she has with someone who can ask her the right questions and help her solve any angst she may have.

The over emotionalism... well she is questioning herself, and I am sure she feels horrible that she disappoints you. Its hard to take criticism from an adult, let alone your dad. You are most likely the most important person in her life. I think it is good to talk to her and try to guide her to be a better person. I do not think of your expectations as high, they are realistic! I am just going to repeat- to make sure she knows you are not bringing her down- that it is only constructive criticism and that you only want her to grow up to be a good person... In which case I believe you will succeed!

I'm not sure how best to deal with her emotions. Thinking back, I don't remember being an emotional daughter, but I do remember on occasion my dad just ignoring my crying and I realized it didn't work on him. I don't know to what extent your daughter goes with her emotions, but if she is only having a quivering lip and a few tears... I wouldn't take it so seriously. I think it is acceptable with the situation she is in. You seem to be all she has, she doesn't want to disappoint you. My guess is that she loves you above anything else in the world right now, and when you are upset with her its just hard to take. She will be fine though, just let her have her feelings.. I think ignoring them is the best answer. Tell her she is a baby or too emotional may be the worst thing to do. She may grow up trying to hide everything then... which is not so great either. She will listen, she will grow, and she will be fine... I think you are doing a great job as far as what you aspire to teach her...

It makes me happy to know there are parents out there that want to shape their child in the way you want to. So many people these days expect the teachers or nanny's to do the raising for them. Or they don't care or see how their child is... *sigh*

Well thank you for sharing with us, and taking our advice well! Hope to hear more from you in the future... Until then take care.

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Originally Posted by Chris Petinaud

I later found out that her mother used to hit her often. I've since been able to instill trust by constantly reassuring her that that was not going to happen here. The man that her mother had remarried with was abusive to the point where her mother was hospitalized on at least one occassion.

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I agree with s2tp that with this history, she might benefit from counselling or therapy. This is a heavy load to bear, even for an adult, and being subjected to and in the midst of such mayhem as a child of 4-9 years, a very formative period, is not something that is likely to be overcome quickly or easily. I'm sure your kindness and reassurance has helped a lot, but this is a deep wound, and professional help could maybe bring healing sooner rather than later.

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Originally Posted by Chris Petinaud

Please don't get me wrong. I love my daughter unconditionally, she is a great kid. It's just the negative traits like: cockiness, poor sportsmanship, laziness, and selective hearing that she displays that irks the heck out of me. And when I try to talk to her about how these traits are unacceptable, the over sensitivity kicks in, and the tears and shaking voice take over, leaving me feeling like a real "A- hole" The expectations that I have are not abnormal, are they? Is the over emotionalism part of puberty? I just want to have fun with her again.

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Your expectations probably aren't abnormal, but neither are her "negative traits". I'm not saying you shouldn't try to help her overcome them and be more responsible, but you might lighten up a little and realize that a lot of it is normal adolescent testing and trying. I'd say pick your battles carefully and only heavy up on things that really matter. She has so much to deal with right now that hassling her over the small stuff will probably do more harm than good. Remind yourself that it's a two-way street--she's helping you come to terms with the pain and disappointment of the failed relationship with her mother, and you're doing the same for her. Be gentle with each other.

Lots of love patience and understanding, but be firm, which I know is quite a balancing act aand with the abuse issue, a counselor is my advice.

The early to mid teen years can be trying. Hormones are raging, they are desperately trying to cling to something, and much of the time they don't want it to have to be you, but they want you to be unconditionally available at any time in case they do want you. Run on sentence, I know.

I married my wife when her daughter was turning 12. I don't like to generalize too much, but it was a trying time and I think some of what you are experiencing is simply the difficulty of raising a child through a tough time.

By the time she was 17 things had taken a turn for the better, and each year after has been better than before... so some of my advice is simply to understand you are going to potentially go through a few trying years. But it can get better.

The other thing ill mention is kindness and time go a long way toward healing wounds. My wife was estranged from her mother for some years when a child... they now have a very good relationship... one that she sought to develop more when she was older and more mature... if your worry is that the time away from you has damaged your relationship... well, many broken things can be fixed.

So don't fret too much about any rifts that were made when she wasn't with you. They may be there, they may be real, and they may cause frustration... but in time, I think, your actions will stick and shell know you for who you are. The truth has a way of coming through eventually...

So stick in there. Its crazy and fun and maddening. Your blood pressure will take a hit... but you are seeing her in an important time, when she's struggling to be less of a child and move into being an adult. It will be worth it.

You expect more of her now because she's getting older, but remember, she still isn't an adult. I know I said some things and acted in ways as a teen that were pure emotion and completely removed from any rational, logical thought.

Your child may have feelings of abandonment that only therapy can recognize and treat. She may have been told through the years that you didn't care about her? And then again, by her mother when she dropped her off on your doorstep. And sometimes hearing I love you, isn't enough for a child that is in protective mode and doesn't know it. Either way, she has probably been traumatized by the person's she trusted and maybe rebelling now due to it. You are a good father, Chris. You love your child and in the end the truth will be known to her. She may just need support that you are unable to provide her yourself. Getting reinforcement that she is safe and secure in your arms now may help from an outside influence.

May I too give my two cents on this issue.
As your daughter was raised by your exwife, mainly, (till the girl was 9 y.o.) her personality was formed by her mother and you admit this fact. So I would like to draw your attention on your exwife personality and its problems. I would name two major problems: inability to love (perhaps after being not loved by her own parents) and inability to recognize goodness and evil (perhaps after being badly treated by her own parents). The facts that your exwife divorced you and remarried ubusive husband has its sad reason. Why is this important - because your daughter might subconciously obtained the same faiths inside her and when grown up repeat her mother's mistakes.

What can you do? I would recommend stop trying to expect a perfect child. All small traits you mentioned are not worth it to pay attention. Instead, pay attention ONLY on a good traits. Look at your parenting wider and further: look for instilling in your daughter thrilling desires for success, self-realisation, her talents to be revealed, her spirit to awaken.

I would not recomment any counseling at all. Everything, which might make her remember her past and behavior failures, will internally pull her back to heart insecurity. And what kind of father would suspect his child to be souly, or emotionally, or mentally sick? Remember suspicion in bad roots of your child kills your child's trust in you. This subject isn't easy, so don't believe anybody who promise easy parenting. Because her hardest age is ahead and you must be prepared to act right. Better if you learn how to proact thinking on success in advance, rather than react on mistakes. Parenting is life long process, you better learn a basics of human spirit formation. Perhaps, you have it yourself inherited in your own childhood, but you still might need to learn about the basics, which people forget or take by default. But your child was deprived from those basics.

Be your own expert. Think by your own heart. Study children's needs. Best book I know for that is Parenting For Everyone by Simon Soloveychik. I read parenting books and believe me, most of them mislead parents, therefore many parents lost in traps. I wish you good luck in your love to your daughter!

The only place we may differ, Abuhar is a positive female role model to talk to.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

The only place we may differ, Abuhar is a positive female role model to talk to.

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We can't differ. I have not mentioned a positive female model at all. I don't know if the father remarried and have a good role model for his daughter. In any case, he asked what HE could do. And I answered that he can only do his father's role: loving and trusting.

I applaud you for being there for your daughter despite the difficulty, many people would just forget about their obligations and give up. You got some great advice from some extremely knowledgeable people here.

First and foremost, always remember that beneath your daughter's complex personality is this poor little soul who had the rug pulled out from under her when she least expected it. She was so small and young and didn't understand why she had to lose her home with her mommy and daddy living under the same roof. She didn't ask for that. That rocked her world to the core. The grown ups have a way of recovering. They lean on friends, get busy with going out, meeting other people, dating, drinking, whatever they can to get past the pain. Little kids can't do that. Whatever the reason you guys wouldn't keep it together, she's the one who paid the biggest price. Your wife made a huge mistake taking her so far away from you but there's not use in crying over spilled milk now.

No matter how difficult your daughter is now that she's 11, just remember that you had a hand in that too, not just your ex. Use that to draw patience from within yourself. I know what it's like to deal with a pre-adolescent girl, saying its tough is an understatement to say the least, but it must be done, that's our job right?

When she starts with the behavior you don't like, hug her, kiss her and tell her you love her. Gently tell her that this isn't the most appropriate way of getting what she needs. She's struggling with trusting you. You didn't leave her, but in her own little brain, she is processing it as abandonement. Spend as much time as possible with her, talk to her. Listen to her. Give her a journal and encourage her to write in it. Tell her about how much you missed her while she was gone. Not just once, often. Never say anything negative about her mother. Reassure her that she was the best thing in your life and she had nothing to do with your break up.

You sound like a good, dedicated dad, keep strong. We'll be here, maybe we won't have all the answers, but we're a good standing post when you have the need to lean on someone.

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Originally Posted by Abuhar

We can't differ. I have not mentioned a positive female model at all. I don't know if the father remarried and have a good role model for his daughter. In any case, he asked what HE could do. And I answered that he can only do his father's role: loving and trusting.

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Sometimes we must be mother and father for our children. Role models are essential for boys and girls as a way to learn the right things to do.