My girlfriend is a complicated woman to say the least.
And we are really well suited in most areas and get on well the chemistry is amazing.. there's one minor prob though...

She will make arrangements to spend time with me.. and at the last minute cancel with no real reason.. it could be she's just decided she want to see friends. Or just doesn't feel like coming round.
Or she could come round and supposed to be stopping and get a text of a mate and then decide she's doing something else then leave early..

I have tried to talk to her on the subject. As to me really you should only ever cancel plans with someone when really its unavoidable. As it can lead to trust issues. Can lead to making Simone feel unimportant insecure all sorts. Let alone it being a bit disrespectfully. Also doesn't leave the other person any time to maybe find something else they could do.
Her reasoning is its just the type of person she is.. which could be the case.
Her last relationship was a bit of a bad one tbh.. they both lived like separate entity's for years so its what she's probably used to anyway.

So should this bother me? Should I just be able to let it go?
Should I be saying this ain't right.. should I just except it's the way she is.
Should I do the same back.. lol there's so many should I's I do love her. I know she loves me.. I think she has slight commitment issues anyway she is scared because of her last relationship.. although she does say this isn't because of that..

Any advise on this matter would be appreciated

Thanks

How often does she cancel on you with no reason?

I would think you can either accept that she clearly has her own priorities and is extremely independent, or move on. How long have you two been dating?

You can't really change someone, so if this is a pattern that you don't appreciate, let it be known.

On and off since oct... see we were friends for 5 years... as I had a partner she had a partner we both had feelings for each other the whole time but never mentioned it... when I split up with me ex.. she suddenly told me how she felt.. after plucking up the courage to finally end it with her ex.. we got together straight away.. but was way to soon and did create a few issues to say the least.

The relationship is very much on her terms.. which I kind of except as I know she is scared.. wants to take things slowly etc as if she gets in to deep to quick she does have a knee jerk reaction.. see she wanted to split with her ex for many many years.. but found it so hard to do so she is scared of getting in to deep it not working.. and then being stuck.. also she is scared because of how much she feels for me that if she gets in to deep I could seriously hurt her.. so there are a few issues there like..

See I don't mind being understanding and I don't mind letting things go, I'm easy going but I don't like being a door mat either and I'm not shore if that's what I'm doing or not tbh..

It happens erm would say once a month or so.. but we are not seeing each other all the time.. once a week or so..

I think perhaps you need to be clear when you make arrangements,I certainly don't think your over reacting,I would go balistic if I was treated like that,she gets a better offer and leaves you!

She made be afraid of commitment,but she's also being disrespectful,perhaps she would perfer a friendship then a boyfriend,you might get to spend more time with her.

Talk to her again,stand your ground,when you make plans together,that is your time together.

Sounds to me like she shouldn't be dating at the moment. Just my opinion, but there seems to be a lot of unresolved issues she needs to work out.

Yer I see your point tiger.. thing is we have tried to do the whole just be friends bit so many times and the chemistry is just way to strong.. we both just get drawn back in together.. really we have both agreed this is the last shot on it like.. so tis a difficult one like.. we are taking it dead slow.. and our cominuication has improved other things.. but yer tis an odd one like


Your idea on the stand my ground when making plans thing red is an ace idea tbh... think next time we make arangments to see each other I will say on the proiviso it actually happens

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Originally Posted by badboyburrell

yer i see your point tiger.. thing is we have tried to do the whole just be friends bit so many times and the chemistry is just way to strong.. we both just get drawn back in together.. really we have both agreed this is the last shot on it like.. so tis a difficult one like.. we are taking it dead slow.. and our cominuication has improved other things.. but yer tis an odd one like

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I think perhaps she has all the power in the relationship,she decides if she stays or goes,she decides the pace,YOU need to find the balance.

Chemistry is no substitute for respect and basic good manners.

Yer I think there is possibly power issues there tbh.. I would say at times it does appear she wants to keep a form of control over the situation maybe to keep her self safe.. how to I create the balance though? If this is the case.

Relationships take a LOT of work. You say you communicate well, so if that's the case, you need to communicate your feelings to her, you know? This is an issue that can't get resolved without both of you working towards it.

Talk talk talk.

She tells you wants she needs,you tell her what you need,talk about what you expect from each other,how you expect to be treated,and you both listen to each other,you find the compromise,and to do what you say and mean what you say.

If you say nothing,you can't expect her to know,she will think all is well.

If she has issues from past relationships that are affecting this relationship they need to be addressed,or else there is no point.

If this is your last chance to get it together,then you BOTH have to change how you communicate with each other.

yer see at first I kicked off about it.. cos totally surprised me but I have realised it's the worse way of approaching her about it.. so I spoke to her about it today and explained that I was unhappy about it as it basically means I can't trust her when she agrees to something.. and it could form trust issues as when we make arangments there's only a 50/50 chance its going to happen after a while she thought about it and.. she text me with... I can't say to you that I'm always going to come round if I said I will... you know what I am like for doing something different to what I have planned its just how I am. I'm sorry if it made you feel disapointed x...


sorry when I say at first I mean when she first started to do it... :)

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Originally Posted by badboyburrell

yer i think there is possibly power issues there tbh.. i would say at times it does appear she wants to keep a form of control over the situation maybe to keep her self safe.. how to i create the balance though?? if this is the case.

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Sit down and have an open and honest discussion with her. Be honest about your concerns and your needs in the relationship. Listen to hers. Work together to set boundaries of good behavior for both of you.

It sounds to me like she is testing your commitment to the relationship and seeing how many buttons she can push before you walk away for good. If it wasn't this particular issue, I think it would be another one. I think on some level she wants you to break up because that would reinforce her negative feelings about relationships. She really should have taken time to heal from her last relationship before getting involved with you. She didn't and now you are paying for her relationship jumping.

The way I see it, she either realizes that she is sabotaging the relationship and works on fixing the inner problems that are causing the issues or you both go your separate ways before things get worse again. No sense parting as enemies if it can be avoided by paying attention to the warning signs.

My boyfriend is very similar. I'll clear my schedule to hangout with him, and shortly after visiting he'll be pushing me out the door. It sucks to play this card, but maybe you should juust start making other plans as backup. And then when she does actually show up for a date with you and you tell her you have something better to do, mnaybe she'll realise how it feels

Cat that thought had crossed my mind to.. she has done things which she would have known the outcome to.. and they did hurt like.. and I did even say at the time I think on some level she did it on perpous.. but saying that at the time as I was hurt the way I pitched it wasn't great.. lol..
Came out more your playing games rather then how you have said it lol...


The mad part about all this is how much we love each other.. how much we want to be with each other.. how happy we are when we are together and how well suited we are to... tis proper madness.. if she just lowered her guard and went for this we would just be totally happy... I think that's the madest part of it tbh

Well think I have just f@~ked it... just called her and tried talking to her... didn't go to well tbh... she said the conversation was too much.. she don't think she sabatages things.. and that she couldn't make it this time because she just had too much other stuff to do. And didn't want to be rushing around on other days because of it... she was carm and pleasant enough on the phone to me... but I got to feeling she's going to text me in a bit and say this is too much and then back totally away... :(

What will it take to keep your dignity, and self respect, and kick her to the curb??

This is the kind of female who has TOO MANY issues and deserves to be dumped so she can get her act together.

Time for talking has been over unless you communicate like you type which is lousy.

Use spell check will you.

Well latest update there was kind of a positive usually when she say its too much means her head is doing sprials and she bolts... this time she hasn't.. she gave me a call and we just chin waged in general... she still says 100% she's not sabataging stuff.. and that its just the way she is... so really I do not know.. I did say to her that I am just the way I am to. So really we need to try and find a compramise on this issue to try and find a way forward which suits both of us... she has agreed to have that conversation with me... didn't do it tonight were both shattered and stressed so I though best leave it lol..

*shurgs* so really I don't know tbh.. I know she is in control, I know she don't lower her guard or put herself in vunrable situations.. I know I'm doing most of the chasing.. which does adhear to what has been said but she is also adiment... whether this is because she's not.. or because she just doesn't see it I don't know... if she is button pushing... if I take it on the chin and do not react.. over time will she then realise there's nothing to fear?? Or will this just create a situation where she can just walk all over me?

Ty talan for your point of view.. didn't know there was spell check on this? Am new to this site.. my spelling is poor as I'm dyslexic.. although not shore what relevance that has..

I have thought about it don't get me wrong and I have walked away before from her... but as you well know you have to reach that point where you know you have tried everything you can. So therfore live without regretes..
As regretes and maybes and what if's are far worse then trying and failing...

Our cominuication was very poor at the start about things.. its only just improving.. the way I communicate is not great and am having to learn pretty quick like. Although I don't scream and shout. Or throw tantrums.. I can get me brain in a right old loop explaining things at times..
Or over explain.. which at times is even worse..

This is the last shot like and after this I will walk away if I have to... but I do want to give it a fair shot. And that was the point of this exercise..

Thanks to everyone for the advise and points of view on this matter it is apreciated.
And will be doing allot of thinking from it.

Cheers

Andrew

Only you can decide what's right for you,however as you pointed out how much are you going to take.

Every relationship has problems,but its how the couple communicate that will make or break them.

Don't make excuses for her,state your case in an adult and sensitive way,be honest with yourself and her,but remember,there will come a time when you will have to decide if this relationship is working for you.

Ty red sound advice again... well she's going away for 2 weeks on sat so it gives me some head space and some thinking time which I think I need tbh..

Yep defo comunication is the key couldn't agree more.
I do always try and say what I think/feel although not always as effectiently as I could.. she's the type of person who keeps allot of her thoughts to herself although she does discuse things a bit better now.
If a conversation is to deep or goes on to long it does melt her head.

You are right about the come a time when I have to decide.
See I did walk away before.. but regreated it so much and although I have never made moves to get her back its always been the other way. My thoughts did plague me some what hence why I let her in again that's why I know I have to be 100% shore that's me lot before I walk or it will just go on forever.. and that wouldn't do either of us any good as its not a great loop to be in.

Thanks again peeps.. hope you all having a good evening. And its good to see some peeps putting there logic and experience to good use like you all are :)