My 20 year old daughter lived with her father until about 2 years ago. She moved in with me and my husband once she graduated high school, and was arrested for possession of marijuana. She was put on probation for 2 years, and has stayed "arrest free" since. Since she's been here, we've had nothing but issues with her. She's moved in and out of our home 4 times now, and has had just as many jobs. She's back in, but doesn't feel like our rules are fair. We're both up at 5am, so the house gets locked at 10pm. If she's not here by then, the doors get locked and she can sleep in her truck.

To compound issues, her "partner" is also unemployed. We let her live with us for a few months a year ago, and it was just a freeloaders free for all. So, rules are now, no sleepovers with the girlfriend. They both moved to live with her father about 6 months ago, but that only lasted 2 weeks before fights ensued, and they came back here.

The more rules I try to enforce , the more resistance she gives.. Help..

Stick to your guns, mac. Doors locked at l0pm is a good one, stick to that one too. I always say tough love wins out; they get to know eventually that you mean what you say and do. Actions are more powerful then words. Twenty is a defiant age, especially a young woman who has possibly been a little spoiled. That's the way it appears to me.

Tick

Your daughter isn't 15 anymore, and your expectations should be a little higher.

The problem is not with her, or her and her girlfriend, the problem is with you.

There is a consequence to being an irrisponsible adult, living off mom, who always provides the basics- food, shelter, comfort. You are providing an alternative for her not to grow up and provide for herself.

As long as you allow her to keep the door revolving, she will use it.

She has her high school diploma, she is a capable healthy adult, that makes the choice not to work, or get to the welfare office, or seek to further her education. She can help herself to improve her standard of living- there is a lot of help out there.

What you can do is give her the addresses and phone numbers of places that will assist adults who are homeless. When she has a taste of where she actually is, in relation to where she wants to be, she will be motivated out of necessity to better her life, and take charge of it.

You are not doing her any favours by continuously bailing her out. By doing so you are thwarting any goal of having her become truly independent by giving her breaks all the time. It may be difficult for you to say no, but you are saying yes, and that is only benefiting you, not her.

I presume you also provide money for her to get by, which is another way of not allowing her to grow up. And laundry services, and maybe the car, haircuts, internet, etc.

She needs to know that you expect her to face her future and provide for herself.

Thank you both for your answers. You are both saying what my husband has been blasting me with for a while now.. and you all are right. So okay... I can do this. Or actually, I will do this.

You have to do it, or she will always be dependent on others to take care of her. She is 20 years old and an adult and needs to learn to take responsibility for herself.

As far as sleeping in the truck if she does not come home by 10 that is ridicules in my opinion.

Time to listen to all the above advice from the other posters. Your husband and everybody else is saying the same thing. Time to do something.

Good luck with everything, it may be hard to do, but need to do something. Closing the door for good, is the best option until she learns how to grow up.

I'm 20 years old living at home, well aware I am lucky to still be wanted here! Its time for your daughter to start appreciating what she has or get a job and move on out

It's your home... you and your husband have worked hard and you have given her chance after chance... It's time she has a taste of the real world without your help. Decent job.. her own place and accepting responsibility for what she does.

Stick to your guns... Good Luck

I would recommend that you use tough love and also see if she will consider some counseling.

I would disengage from arguments - be to the point and non-dramatic. Continue to lock the door at the appointed time. And work with your ex-husband to agree that she cannot flee one house in a fit to stay at the other - if she leaves either house in a fit, she's on her own.

She probably needs to work through the issues that are making her unstable. And she may need to know that you are going to try to accept her sexuality. For example, if you asked her to go with you to a PFLAG meeting, she might feel you're making an effort and it might create an in for you to havce more influence over her.

Best wishes.