Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend's past

I have a wonderful boyfriend who cares and loves me so much.

But I have a serious problem. I think I'm a psycho or something. I can't accept his past, which has nothing to do with me.

OK here's the story of his past:

He liked a classmate in university 3 years ago (now he graduated). But it was one-side stuff since she was a famous b1tch/call girl. They were good friends, but he was stupid enough to never know she was a wh0re. She's very good at hiding things. He said he liked her, she never liked him back, so he decided to stay away, no contact. She kept on calling him saying that she was sad and needed a friend to talk to. So they were on and off. Everyone told him that he was too naïve, and needed to stay away from such a b1tch. He gradually found out that he was toooo stupid and stopped all contacts with her. She still called him but he refused to answer.

One year later he met me. We have been very much in love. Then he told me everything about that past. I know that there's nothing to do with me but I just can't accept the fact that he EVEN liked a wh0re!! So I punished him by asking too many questions and got so mad each time. One day she saw our photos on Facebook and talked $hit about me with a mutual friend. That one told him about that. He was so mad and called her to tell her that "you! i forbid you, DO NOT CALL ME OR CONTACT ME BY ALL MEANS". And put her to his "ignore list".

I'm still not satisfied with that. I was so angry and told him to tell all of his friends to delete all stuff related her. He went on all of his websites and erased all, removed her from his friendlist, even asked his manager (also a friend) to never mention that girl.

One time a friend asked them (him and her) to help him with his work. My boyfriend denied once he knew she would be in the project. But he didn't want to tell me about that since I get mad anytime anyone talking about her. I found out and shouted at him for days.

Last week, his parents brought her out to insult him (they hated her too) even though it happened years ago. So he was very sad and told me about it. I got mad again! He was crying and saying "i already forgot her long time ago, it's my past and i admit that i was stupid, but why you all want to dig it out? Why dont you just let it go like i did. SEE??? i never do anything wrong to you, i never contact or have anything to do with her. But everyone treated me like a criminal and i feel like i will never be forgiven. What else should i do to make you believe me??? Im not a bad guy and never was, i was fooled by a sneak, thats all! Please forgive me if you think that its a crime, and forget it all too"

I was moved that the time. But it only lasted for several days. Now I went online and tried my best to dig any smallest information about them doing something together just like an assignment in class or something to get upset and abandon him.

He was crying again telling me that he grew up and not like that anymore, that he loves me so much, everything he does now is for the future together with me. He tried everyday to work hard, and earn money to prove to my parents that he will be a good husband.

He is a very sweet and good guy. He gave me all of his money and salary and let me decide what to do with those money, how much to give him a week, even though we're not living together.

I want to treat him better but I get mad anytime I think of her, it keeps haunting me. HELP PLEASE!!

I think you guys need to cut this guy some slack, he sounds like a nice guy who just got lured in by a girl who knows how to use her charm.

He no longer talks to her, nor wishes to have contact with her. He seems very focused on your relationship and does not seem to even be in contact with this person!

Who cares that some of his friends might still talk to her or he has an old Facebook message/post from her. As long as he isn't actively trying to communicate with her, what's the problem?

I can't accept his past, which has nothing to do with me.

Actually it has everything to do with you. He is doing fine. He gets the past thrown at him all the time. That is not fair.

You need to seek at counseling to find out what YOUR problem exactly is because its not his.

Why are you reacting the way you are. Get to the bottom of your issues.

Honestly if I were him and being treated like your treating him. I would have been long gone.

Everyone has a past. There may be some things in yours that he isn't exactly thrilled with, but does he constantly throw it in your face? You say you love this guy, so you really need to work on TRUSTING him and stop looking for him to do wrong with this girl, it sounds like he really cares about you and is trying to make it work, but guys can only take so much, so you need to put as much into this relationship as he is, before it's to late... that is, if it's worth it to you. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

I have a wonderful boyfriend who cares and loves me so much.

That's great for you, but in your entire post you never said ONCE that you loved him. This entire post revolved around you.

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

. . .but he was stupid enough to never know she was a wh0re. She's very good at hiding things. . .

Listen to yourself, you clearly don't even like your boyfriend and you're taking her side.

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

. . .He gave me all of his money and salary and let me decide what to do with those money. . .

And you use him.

You aren't psychotic, but you certainly have a case of unhealthy narcissism which can lead to peculiar and even heinous behavior like stalking or murder. You called your boyfriend stupid and I agree, he must be stupid to be dating someone like you.

You have many personal issues to deal with, and I hope you do so, as its unfair to treat a guy who loves you so unfairly.

This is your problem to deal with, so don't make it his by, taking out your anger, and frustration out on him. That's so wrong.

This guy has been tared and feathered by his association with his ex,no matter what he does her name and his are still baned together,not your name and his,but hers and your boyfriend,and you are inforcing that by your behaviour.

Families have long memories,very few can leave your past mistakes where they belong ( I'm the person who breaks things in my family,30 years ago I broke my mothers vase,I'm stuck with that label)

You're the one who won't let his ex leave your lives,I bet she's moved on,he's moved on,why can't you?

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

lmnotok disagrees : i dont use him, he gave me his money, i dont ever use it, i just keep it for him. And once he needs it to do something or invest in something, i just give all back to him.

Fair enough.

But, you didn't deny any other point I made, that was a small point in my argument I used as evidence. The real issue is with you, it has nothing to do with your boyfriend, and you know this.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with your mindset.

Right, it is a very simple problem to deal with : )

These kind of abandonment issues are very common, however, they are probably the most common cause of break-up, whether directly or indirectly.
I think if it wasn't this problem then it would be another.
You have to accept that anyone you meet will have a past, and if you don't accept this, then you will have problems with all relationships.

But, it can be remedied. It probably stems from someone who abandoned you when you were younger. I think the first thing to do is to talk to your boyfriend and explain everything; he seems a nice enough guy from what you have told us.
The second thing you need to do is to realize exactly what the problem is and what caused it. Then you need to see if you can deal with it yourselves.
If you can't, then talk to someone who knows how to help-counselor or or someone.
It really is so unbelievably common, and causes so many break-ups; but it is not too hard to deal with, results happen very quickly. You may even be able to sort this out now with the help of your boyfriend. But I would do it now rather than later because otherwise you may lose someone special and regret it.

Good luck, and you can speak to me any time you want, just message me and I'll try my best to help : ) you'll be fine x

Thank you all for your opinions. I appreciate all so much and I also "know" that it is my bad and my problem. I wrote this to ask *how I can overcome /get rid of this issue".

I feel like I'm in a hole, I'm stuck and it's the worst feeling ever, trust me! Its not comfortable to be angry and throw sh1t at someone you love.

I just Don't KNOW HOW and WHAT TO DO to be better.

I went to my consultant, and she just didn't figure things out for me. Im totally in a mess, having a headache every once in a while. Imaginations/images just come up to my mind out of nowhere, I can't stop it and it really hurts me.

Anytime it tortures me, I thought of your comments and tried my best not to talk/abandon/put it out on my boyfriend, so that it couldn't be worse.

Im not a total psycho. I always work so hard these days to not have any free time to think of those stuff. But anytime I get home or stay away from my work, it kills me.

It's the same for us all as we try to get the right coping skills to deal with our feelings. Most times its only through trial, and error, and PRACTICE, we eventually get control of ourselves.

That's why patience and a well though through plan, is what you need to have a strategy when you are alone, that works for you.

Maybe a regular exercise routine, or chore before bedtime, or a distracting activity, or warm milk and a book.

The point is to get into a good healthy habit that allows venting, and normal sleep.

FYI a working girl or as you so uncouthly put it a "whore" is a profession yes profession that's been around since time began or thereabouts, and as you do not know this female only hearsay about her occupation, then I would say you've no business passing judgement on her, you don't know what's behind her doing as she does.

Or even if she really does it. Its only your b/f whose made claim to that being what she does or is. Or so you say in your post.

You didn't like it when you thought she had bad mouthed you, so don't bad mouth her.

Ill tell you something , and this may get me some flack, however, are you aware that many many everyday housewives do similar to their husbands when they let him have sex if he cuts the grass, cleans the car, mends the fence, buys her that diamond ring she wants because that's no different to what a prostitute does with her clients, he gets sex she gets paid or rewarded, and it happens in homes across the globe on a daily basis.

Its not this woman it is your insecurity and need to try to be in control, and that's also something the whore has, control. Maybe that's why you are so full of venom over something you have little knowledge of.

Its not about anyone else its about your insecurity.

This is his past you're getting so upset about, its gone done and dusted, for both your sakes let this episode die the death, don't let it ruin what you two have, you too have a past, does he throw yours in your face, whilst you are reacting to something long gone in this manner, you're losing valuable quality time with your partner.

He wants you, he has told you we have told you. Let it go it will destroy what you have with this young man if you don't, you can't change it so release it.

Tell yourself I am a Positive and Mature Adult I won't let this silly past episode destroy what I have with ---- name of b/f. I forgive myself, I forgive my---- partners name, I have learned the lesson from this, and I am now releasing it, and letting it go, then go write down that you're letting the past go, and add I thank The Gods for Sending this lesson to me, fold the piece of paper 3 times and set fire to it, and that will release it. Try it . I do it often.

You can also add I am not allowing the negative to consume and alter my reality.

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Originally Posted by lmnotok

I feel like im in a hole, im stuck and its the worst feeling ever, trust me! Its not comfortable to be angry and throw sh1t at someone you love.

Time to get out of that hole.

It'd be wise to break-up with him and give yourself enough time to understand why you're acting this way, then you can begin to correct the problem because it's not cut and dry.

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lmnotok disagrees : no, I won't break up with him just to see why I'm acting this way

Well then best of luck to you.