Ask Me Help Desk - A twist on the famous "No Contact Method"?

First off, please let me say how helpful the posts regarding this topic have been. Not that I am a technophobe, but I never thought that I could find advice and solace from so many faceless, altruistic strangers.

That being said, I have a particularly tricky situation I am facing. I am 27 years old and have just entered the first major heartbreak of my life. In what I now realize might be typical, my ex just broke up with me citing space and confusion about where we are going as the main reasons. We dated for just shy of three years and she is my first love (I was pretty careful with my heart or just to picky heretofore).

I know that she wanted to move in with me (she dragged me to view a house just three weeks ago) and I was nervous about the proposition as it would require lease breaking and huge moving costs. However, in an ironic twist of fate, my roommate just left my apartment and she and I would have the opportunity to try living together with out cost being incurred.

Upon breaking up, I told her to not contact me for the first two weeks. If and when she calls, should I propose this option or just keep the conversation light and go back into an undefined length of NC. She stated that she still loved me but has asked for space, and the almighty Ash123 has been quite clear on what to do in that scenario. I just wonder about how to handle the phone call. I love her and wish that this option presented itself before the break up. I also know that we were stressed out in the last month because of this and it set up a vicious cycle (her not wanted to be intimate, which led to me being irritated and not wanting to move in etc etc). Thank you in advance for your advice as I am desperate not to waste this one chance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

my ex just broke up with me citing space and confusion about where we are going as the main reasons.

I don't understand. I thought "we" planned to move in together. What happened during those three weeks? What turned her 180 degrees?

Quote:

If and when she calls... I just wonder about how to handle the phone call.

IF she calls, be an active listener. Don't apologize or ramble or explain or pontificate or mutter. She's running the show; the ball is in her court. She's in control.

Of course, you don't have to answer the phone.

Hmm what you should do depends on what you want from your relationship, do you want/see yourself getting back together? If you do then give her what she asked for, space and time to get her head straight. Answer her phone calls casually but don't go out of your way to talk to her or return her calls. If you know what's over is indeed over then I would say why try to fix what's not broken...

NC really only has one rule... No Contact period. Trying to get over a person whilst talking to them on a regular basis even just as friends is like trying to fix a strained or pulled muscle by working it out everyday and not giving it the time to properly heal. What's the point of reopening the same wound again and again?

Regardless of what she does it's best you show her and more importantly yourself that you are moving on.

@Wondergirl - She stated that she wanted to move in the month before our relationship ended. I think she was very frustrated after the initial house viewing, thus deteriorating the relationship... to be fair, so was I.

I feel I should also add that when she broke up with me last week she also mentioned dissatisfaction with her career path and told me that while she would not date other people I should feel able to do so. I assume that is pretty typical break up language.

@SimpleguyJoe - Our families are pretty intertwined so permanent NC may not be possible. Also, she works at the same institution as myself.

You told her not to contact you for two weeks. I'm assuming that two weeks has not passed.
If she contacts you, depending on what she says, you will know what to do next.
Do you want to get back with her or do you want to end it?
If she decides she wants out permanently then that's it. If she says she wants to give it another try and you want her back, then you two move on from there.

At this point give her space and see how things are in two weeks.

You have two options:

1) If you want her back, then let her know. Take whatever time you need apart from each other to figure things out, but eventually, you'll need to work together to repair the relationship. Furthermore, get a clear answer from her. Does she want a break and eventually back with your. Or is she keeping you in limbo because she has no idea what she wants, but she's not ready to let you go?

2) If you feel that it's time to break up and move on, then why would you break the NC rules? Focus on moving on with your life and not walking backwards. Unfortunately, this look like the more likely option. If she's willing to tell you that you can go date other people, then she's ready to let you go. Once you start dating others, you've begun the process of moving on with your life and leaving the past behind.

Right now, you're stuck in limbo. You probably do want to get back with her, but you're also initiated the NC rules. Figure out what you want and do it.

My confusion comes over why you did not combine your financial resources to move into your own place. A simple enough plan that most couples manage fairly well. Getting there own place.

Seems to me it was you who were afraid of such a commitment, and may well be her cause for confusion. Telling her not to contact you for two weeks was not a stroke of genius either, as think of the message that sends, and what that shows of your communications, and coping skills, as the way you resolve issues.

I think you apologize, and find a better way to disagree, and be a lot more open to communications. I think upon considering, maybe suggesting something a lot more affordable, and actively looking for a place together, as she was been doing would have been a much better course of action, and shown her you were interested in moving with her.

I think that she will not call you, since this NC was about you and not her. So the ball is in your court to make things right. Do NOT wait for two weeks before calling her, but sooner rather than later.

@Talaniman: She broke up with me and told me she needed space. In spite of this she still wanted to see me regularly (i.e. lunches, coffee, etc.). I thought that NC allowed people to clear their heads so they could discuss issues in the relationship. While I am sure that moving is one of the major ones, she has other things that are affecting her (work, family divorce). The night of the break up she was not in a mood to talk about salvaging the relationship. I thought two weeks an appropriate amount of time. I just saw her in passing today at work and managed a weak wave as a response to her wave. I did not approach her as she was next to her boss. As Sunday makes two weeks, do I call her now, or see if she will call then (she does not seem to harbor a significant amount of animosity towards me from her demeanor today)?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

I thought that NC allowed people to clear their heads so they could discuss issues in the relationship.

No contact is about healing from your break up. You don't go into no contact with the intention of winning your ex back. This thread addresses your belief: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-425290.html

What you are actually talking about is "time and space" apart to clear your mind. You will see from the NC rules that your definition is very different: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

While I am sure that moving is one of the major ones, she has other things that are affecting her (work, family divorce). The night of the break up she was not in a mood to talk about salvaging the relationship.

It definitely looks like a build up of issues and not only one issue in particular.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

I thought two weeks an appropriate amount of time.

If you BOTH wanted to repair the relationship, then you wouldn't put a timeline on when to contact each other again. It's clear that you're the only one who wants to fix things. It doesn't seem like she is even considering putting in the effort. IF she wanted to work things out, she wouldn't leave you hanging for 2 weeks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

I just saw her in passing today at work and managed a weak wave as a response to her wave. I did not approach her as she was next to her boss.

You're going to have an extremely difficult time properly implementing the NC rules. You're still hanging on to false hope. The more you see her, the more material you have to overanalyze her actions. The more you overanalyze, the longer the healing process drags out.

That's the problem with dating a co-worker. It makes it even more difficult to move on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MiguelV

As Sunday makes two weeks, do I call her now, or see if she will call then (she does not seem to harbor a significant amount of animosity towards me from her demeanor today)?

If you want to work things out, then let her know, it doesn't matter how long you wait.

I know that you're not ready to give up. So if you're not ready to give up, then continue to pursue her. Sitting on the sidelines waiting for the right moment to jump in is not going to change anything.

However, it sounds more like she's moving on with her life and leaving you in the past. The sooner you can accept this reality, the sooner you can move on with your life.