I have a real problem with myself! And I know that there are a lot of deeper more important things in the world to be writing about. But I see myself emotionally stuck. And you might advice me to go to a therapist, but I don't really see how that would help :( So please hear me out.
For some reason (maybe my childhood-I can't remember much of it :( , maybe I blocked it altogether) I have this deep need to feel loved. I need to feel loved by other people. That is what I desire the most in the whole wide world. I've always been rejected by people I care about. Even when I was in school, I was made fun of because I was too white or too nerdy. My bookbag was tossed in the trashcan and everything! And with my friends, I feel like I can never really trust anyone. (Maybe that's why I'm like this?)
So I was sitting outside crying my eyes out and I decided to write how I felt. Maybe someone out there might help me. Someone that might be going through the same thing... I don't know!
When it comes to relationships, I fall in love and I expect to receive it back. I know love should be unconditional but why not reciprocal too? And when I don't feel loved I get needy, annoying, helpless. Like nothing matters. This has happened since I was a teenager. And obviously this is the one thing that drives people away! I am 25! And I am still going through this. I thought I would grow out of it. So it's so frustrating that I get pushed away by the one I love because I am needy. When all I want is to be loved. :(
I am currently with my boyfriend of 4 years but I am starting to annoy him with my neediness and I can't control it. And we have had our ups and downs but there is still this big problem of mine. For example, We don't see each other for 3 days and I go crazy and I tell him that I miss him and I call him a lot and he says that it drives him crazy... that I'm annoying. I don't know if it's me or if it's him. Because one second everything is fine and the next I am acting crazy and psycho? I don't know what to do, because in my mind I am not doing anything wrong.
I am smart, I am beautiful, but I have this huge issue! My sister says it's co-dependence. That I am obsessed with him and everything! But I just want to feel like someone truly loves me. Loves me For ME, including all those annoying things that I do.
:(I just want to be heard because I feel like this is not normal. I feel like it's been enough! I am done being this way! I have already lost two relationship in the past because of this :( And then to top things off I am studying for the CPA exams and it's driving me crazy. I have two more to go and I have been studying for months! Just stuck in my house, no friends, NOTHING! I just want to be happy already!! Is that too much to ask? Ahhh I really needed to get this out. And nobody else understands what Im going through... I just want to feel loved and be HAPPY!! :( Is there really something wrong with me? Do I need help? I don't know what to do. But I don't want to push the people I love away, I want... just the opposite of that!
And when I say that I want to be loved, this also means that I want to give love without being rejected!! But my expression of love comes off as neediness? UGHH do you understand my frustation. And talking about it with the people I love doesn't really help the situation.