I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. We have been married for 5 yrs. We have had problems over the years and we even separated 6 yrs. Ago. When we got back together everything was great. We reconnected and we married. We had a really good relationship. We had found a middle ground with each other and we were both sercure with the relationship. In the last three years we have struggled due to our oldest causing a bunch of choas. She has been a hand full and neither of us was ready for it. We focused on helping her and taking care of our other child that we lost sight of each other. The last year has been really hard and a month ago I found out that he had cheated on me. He has said that he is sorry and that he knows he made a mistake and I do believe him but with everything else we were already having to deal with and now this, I don't know what to do. I want my marriage and I am not willing to just give up. I just don't know how to reconnect with him. For the past year, he has rejected me at every turn and I know he has been under a lot of stress. Between work, the kids and I was really bad sick for about 6 months. I am feeling a lot better. After finding out he cheated, my heart was broke. He isn't just my husband but my best friend of 18 yrs. I know I can get past the betrayal and the hurt. I just don't know how to do this when I don't know how to reconnect with him. When I try to talk to him about any of this we end up arguing because I have all the anger and hurt and confusion that when we are face to face and try to talk I don't make a lot of sense. I have wrote him a long letter trying to get out some of the stuff that I am bothered by but I fear that its not going to do any good. He doesn't know why he cheated on me. He has never done this type of thing before and I want to believe that he won't again but I just don't know. If we can't reconnect then I don't think we can save our marriage. Any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated.

r3,

I read your post several times. Many marriages go on to survive infidelity but it takes both people to do it. You have said several times you don't know how to reconnect with him. You can't do it alone. Is he willing to work on it too? I can't tell from your post. It sounds like you are the only one trying.

It is bothersome to me that when you try to talk about your feelings of anger, hurt and confusion that you end up arguing. You have the RIGHT to feel those things and even if you aren't making sense ( who says you aren't anyway) HE needs to listen. I think what you really need is to make sure he is really interested in saving your marriage. IF he is, then I would suggest counseling because it sounds like you are having serious communication problems.

He says that he is. I see him trying a little bit. I have tried to tell him that he doesn't need to scared that I am going to reject him because I won't. I have tried several times to tell him some of the things that I miss and that are important to me. He tells me that he isn't interested in sex anymore at all. Ive tried to tell him that its not just about sex, its about a look, a touch, knowing that your needed and wanted. We both are under a lot of stress and I have tried to be as understanding as possible but I am tired of being hurt. I have known him for 18 yrs and I know that I have to really explain things to him for him to get it but I have almost reached the point where I know we both have blame in our relationship going wrong but I didn't cheat he did. I have sat and tried to think of ways to make things better and its like it doesn't matter. I surprised him 3 weeks ago with a candlelit dinner, I had my mom watch the kids. I cooked him a steak dinner and he didn't like being surprised and thought I was up to something because I did this. I tried to tell him that I wanted time with him. I dressed up real pretty and even though I had found out about his cheating a week and a half earlier, I was trying to take a step in the right direction. I can understand him being somewhat uneasy. I can been mean when I am hurt but I have changed in the last few years. I just want to make things better and not focus on the hurt.

r3,

I read what you are saying and the only one TRYING is YOU. Why in the WORLD should he be somewhat "uneasy" with a candlelit dinner. I don't care how mean you can be, that was very nice. He is turning this around to make you feel this is your problem to fix. I don't like saying this and I could be wrong... but are you sure he is done cheating? He may still be involved. A man really wanting to mend a broken relationship doesn't act like he is acting.

I would love to be able to say that I know without any doubts that he is done cheating but I just cant. I have tried to put myself in his place and see things through his eyes but I just can't understand why. I have not given him any reason to think that I would reject him in any way. I try to spend time with him and let him know that I am here. I try to take care of everything so he doesn't have too. I don't nag or at him. I have been trying not to let him see that I am struggling with all the hurt. I have gotten to the point where I am scared to try to plan time for us to be alone cause I am scared he'll just get upset. I don't try to touch him other than to give him a quick kiss. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and just don't know how to give up. I am still madly head over heels in love with him that its not even funny. I just want my husband back and the knowledge that my marriage is stable instead of rocky. How can I express my feelings without arguing with him?

r3,

I hate saying this but your post has gone from bad to worse. I know this is painful but I am telling you, he isn't done cheating and he isn't interested in fixing your relationship. If you can't even express how you feel without making him angry, he doesn't want to make you happy. You deserve better .

Many marriages, if not all, face extreme hardships with kids, illness, unemployment, natural disasters and so on.

Any man worth his salt wouldn't run, he would face the hardships with you, and the two of you would get through it- together.

So, things get rough, so what! That is not an excuse good enough to say that he was depressed or overwhelmed enough that he needed to go and have an affair. What the hel* did he think YOU were doing while he was selfishly doing his own thing and abandoning you.

Which is what he has done. Abandoned you. Who needs a partner to dials out and screws around when you need them the most.

What happens the next time a crisis hits- he takes his fishing gear and heads out into the country where he can't be reached?

What I'm saying is the affair is only a part of who this man is, how he thinks, and where you are in the pecking order.

He comes first.

You cannot fix him a nice dinner and head in the right direction. It is not you that has to make a commitment here, it is him. And it has to be more than words, and last more than a couple of days.

I would insist on counselling to find out why he cannot communicate, why he can't listen, why he shows no remorse for dialing out when things got rough, and what he's going to do to change into a husband, and a father.

Time to assert yourself, and not settle for so little.

Up until the moment he cheated he had always been there for me, I think that's what hurts more than anything else. In the past, we have stood beside each other through everything. This isn't the first time we have been this far apart, this is just the first time that neither of us knew why. In the past, at least one of us knew why. I cheated on him before we were married. I knew I was wrong and I told him and I tried to show him that I knew I had made a huge mistake. I have worked hard everyday since to assure him that I will not do that again. When we got married, I took to heart every word I said and I thought he had too. He hasn't tried to say that he cheated because I had in the past. He just says he doesn't know why, he knows he made a mistake and he won't make one like it again. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But that's it. He doesn't make an open action to show it. Tonight, when he came home, I didn't meet him at the door with an hello and a kiss. I sat through dinner and didn't say much and afterwards I walked outside. I thought maybe I should take a step back and see what he would do. He came out and asked if I was okay and told me that he was worried because I hadn't given him a kiss. I told him that I was trying a different approach because everything I have been trying isn't working so I was going to try just backing off. He put his head down and didn't say anything. As I went to walk away, he asked if he could get a kiss. I gave him one and went inside. Maybe I don't need to be so available and he may see that he has to make a move, that I can't fix this for him like I do everything else. Thanks for the advice so far. I'm going to keep telling myself that its his turn to show me how he is truly feeling and if he doesn't make an effort than I know that I have already lost and there isn't any point for me to keep fighting. I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do.

Its been a few days since my last post and I wish I could say things have improved but I cant. We have had little arguments. We spent some one on one time together over the weekend and it was great, we didn't argue, we talked and joked, he took me out to eat to a place Ive never been, he reached for my hand while we walked and while we were in the truck. Then when it was time to get the kids, things started going badly. He finally read the letter I wrote and said that he was trying but that he is really down on himself for what he has done and he sees the hurt and the pain he has caused me and he doesn't know what to do. I explained to him that while I have the pain and hurt right now and at times it is almost unbearable, I still have love for him and that we need to work together to get through this. I can heal myself but if I have too then we are going to loose us. He told me he understood and he would try harder but that he doesn't think about taking my hand or doing the little things, he said that he doesn't want to cause me anymore hurt and he feels as though he is everyday. I don't know how to change that for him. We both agreed that our children are trying to make things worse between us and that we both needed to stop them in their tracks because its not right and its not fair. He told me that he doesn't want to llive without me and that he is still in live with me, he is just unsure how to show it anymore. I told him it's the small things that matter most and that when a thought like, " maybe i should give her a hug and tell her that i love her" crosses his mind, he should listen to it and not be afraid. I told him that's what I do. Any suggestions on all of this would be aprreciated. Any suggestions to give to my husband would be accepted too.

It will take a lot of time before you can come to grips with your own feelings let alone his.

I can only suggest that you have something going besides what happens at home, that you enjoy, and makes you happy. Not time for you both, but time for yourself. You can only fix you, and sometimes you have to step away from the problems, and stress, and feel something besides the anger, frustrations, and pressure to fix things, all the time.

In this way you gain a better perspective of yourself in a better light, and have more good to share, and a better focus on how you share it. I think we all get carried away at fixing things, and feel worse when we don't get the results we want. Sometimes we can't see the small things, that get overshadowed by the bigger things we want so badly.

Relax, and let him come to you more, and do less fixing, and more just being together, as there is a lot of power in just you being happy, he shares a meal at home, or a joke instead of a night on the town, candle lit dinners, and such.

Its all about making adjustments, and accepting that things are different now that you are older. That's why you do for yourself, and just get a routine that makes you happy, that doesn't revolve around family stress, and aging husbands.

Bingo (just for example), and making new friends, and trying new things, gives you some ideas how to better approach things, and deal with your reality from the positive, and gives you the needed outlets to rant, and vent, so we can think, and act with clarity. It also gives him space to deal with his demons, and make better decisions, because you know how slowly, and differently a mans mind works, and we deal poorly with emotions, and feelings.

Plus, when you have a little happiness for yourself that no one can take away, you won't feel like your fighting a losing battle so much, and that's a good attitude adjustment to make. Sometimes we have to appreciate the small victories, and deal with the bad defeats as they come around. Maybe he will notice, and wonder what you're so happy about, and deal with his own reality better, for you, and his kids.

I don't know how old you both are, but just as females go through a change, so do we men, and then we are beeyatch to please, and even harder to make happy. Don't try, as he has to learn to accept reality, and learn to be happy himself, so lead by example, not words, and let him follow you to the right way, to make adjustments.

I wish you luck.