I'm 17. I've gone through a rocky childhood in the past. I don't remember a lot of it. Not because I lock it up. I throw it all away. I started cutting when I was in 6th grade. And I then turned to drugs. I grew up really fast and the pain only grew more and more. I always wanted someone to love me. I was left alont till I was 14 and I met my best friend later to find out that it would just be all thrown away. That put more emptyness in my heart and more questions in my head. I tried to shove it out of my way and all it did was come back at me and eat me up. I started using weed as my escape and it cut at the same time. I didn't let myself go. I just let my emotions run dry. Now when something happens and its sad, I can NOT cry, my body won't let me because I'm so hurt already. And its like I can't shed more tears. I just swallow them and it goes straight to my heart

I'm still in school. Barely. I just don't see myself living past 22. Or 20. I got taken away from everything. My parents could not give a crap about me and they don't support me. I live my life not sober. I know this is bad. Because I have become dependent on something else. I've tried getting help but I back down because I'm to scared. I'm way depressed and about to give up. I wear a smile that isn't true. I'm a very up front person and I get along with everyone. But after I lost my best friend I push anyone that tries to get close. I already have a broken heart and I can't get over it. I there is anyone that can give me advice PLEASE do...
-nicole

Nicole, honey, you need to let someone help you before its too late. It is entirely possible to defeat every form of help that you encounter or that is offered to you and be lost forever... so please bear that in mind. Summon your last strength, if necessary, and seek help. There really are people in the world who understand exactly where you are. If you let them help you, you will be helped. It is just that simple--- not easy, simple. Please don't be one of the many many messed up folks I have known, some very well, who died from what I call "terminal unniqueness." It is such a terrible horrible waste to suffer and die without having ever lived. Surviving is not living and I hear that is what you are doing. Tap some of the help out there, I bet you know where some of them are, and see what happens. Its either that or try to live with it somehow but I wouldn't call that living. I'm sorry, Nicole there just isn't a third option in it. Get help or suffer -- the choice is yours.

I believe you when you say you have a broken heart. If there was an easy way to recover from the heartache you have experienced, you would have already found it, I'm sure. Every way forward from where you are will be a hard way, but some ways lead to healing while others lead to despair. Choosing a way that leads toward hope and away from despair is a courageous thing to do, and you have the power do it. You don't have to do it alone, but you alone can do it. You have taken a good first step by asking for help here. Now take another step along this path and ask for face-to-face in-person help where you live. Choice is your only power. Use it wisely. I truly feel for you, and wish you well. Keep in touch.

A Little Walk Around Yourself

When you're criticizing others
And are finding here and there
A fault or two to speak of
Or a weakness you can't bear;
When you're blaming someone's weakness
Or accusing some of pelf..
It's time that you went out
To walk around yourself.

There are lots of human failures
In the average of us all
And lots of grave shortcomings
In the short ones and the tall;
But when we think of evils
Men should lay upon the shelves,
It's time we all went out
To take a walk around ourselves

We need so often in this life
This balancing of scales;
This seeing how much in us wins
And how much in us fails.
But before you judge another
Just to lay him on the shelf...
It would be a splendid plan
To take a walk around yourself.

-- Unknown

I Love These Lyrics -

Read them a few times, have a good cry and then ask someone to visit your doctor with you.

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith because you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me strength because you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yup_datBnicole

im 17. i've gone through a rocky childhood in the past. i dont remember a lot of it. not beacuse i lock it up. i throw it all away. i started cutting when i was in 6th grade. and i then turned to drugs. i grew up really fast and the pain only grew more and more. i always wanted someone to love me. I was left alont till i was 14 and i met my best friend later to find out that it would just be all thrown away. that put more emptyness in my heart and more questions in my head. i tried to shove it out of my way and all it did was come back at me and eat me up. i started using weed as my escape and it cut at the same time. i didnt let myself go. i just let my emotions run dry. now when something happens and its sad, i can NOT cry, my body wont let me because im so hurt already. and its like i can't shed more tears. i just swallow them and it goes straight to my heart

im still in school. barely. i just dont see myself living past 22. or 20. i got taken away from everything. my parents could not give a crap about me and they dont support me. i live my life not sober. i know this is bad. because i have become dependent on something else. i've tried getting help but i back down because im to scared. im way depressed and about to give up. i wear a smile that isnt true. im a very up front person and i get along with everyone. but after i lost my best friend i push anyone that tries to get close. i already have a broken heart and i can't get over it. i there is anyone that can give me advice PLEASE do...
-nicole

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I strongly encourage you to find someone in your area that you can sit down and share in person with them what you have shared here. There really are people who care. I know it is difficult to reach out in person and try to trust someone...especially if you have learned that you can't trust your parents or any of the other adults who are supposed to be there for you. Unfortunately, a lot of people have similar situations. I am saying that to let you know that you are not alone. You are not the only one who feels or is alone. Even though you need and want someone to love you...you really need to love yourself. Right now you are your worst enemy and you are keeping yourself from getting your needs met. Try to allow others to love you and receive the love they are able to give you. Stop pushing people away and don't try to test them to see if they can be trusted. No one will ever pass the test. Now let me ask you this...Can you be trusted? Could someone with your past and your experiences try to approach you for help? Would you care? Would you want or try to help? if the answer is yes, then know that there are others out there who will do the same. How much could someone else test you? You have been through hell...and you know what you have been through...but you don't know what others have been through. All you can see is how others present themselves. Sometimes peoples' lives are hell, but they seem like they have it all together and a wonder life. I don't know what your parents or other care givers have been though or anything about them except for what you have told us. If no one was ever there for you parents, then maybe they are waiting for someone to love them too. Someone needs to break this cycle. You CAN Do This! As you have already discovered, we have a long wait if we expect others to meet our needs. You are the one who needs to start loving you.