My BF and I have been together faithfully for 14 years since high school, and I am at the point where I want a Marriage and he is not doing any thing to carry this out . He is concerned that My debt will be a problem for us , but I am trying to explain to him that it can work out even though I have bills . I have explained to him the amount of my financial contribution towards our future will be minimal for a little while.
I feel that if he really loves me he will do anything to be with me .
I love him very much what should I do?
Should he be feeling like this towards us?

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Originally Posted by freez

My BF and I have been together faithfully for 14 years since high school, and I am at the point where I want a Marriage and he is not doing any thing to carry this out . he is concerned that My debt will be a problem for us , but I am trying to explain to him that it can work out even though I have bills . I have explained to him the amount of my financial contribution towards our future will be minimal for a little while.
I feel that if he really loves me he will do anything to be with me .
I love him very much what should i do?
Should he be feeling like this towards us?

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I think everyone is going to disagree with me but I agree with your boyfriend. Why should he have to take on your debt. Finance are the number one reason for divorce and if he marries you then this problem becomes magnified even more. I'm a little confused why you weren't married sooner if you've been dating for 14 years but that being said at this point it doesn't make since for him to assume your debt. Why is marriage an issue all of sudden?

So go bankrupt and you will have no debt and he can marry you.

Get on a written budget and live by it.

But let me see, you say you have been together for 14 years, ( is this living together) if so, you already share debts, anyway

And what difference does marriage make if you are already living together?

But until you can get your finances in order, it is better he doesn't marry you, because odds are, you will end up divorcing over it and your relationship will be over.

Money is a big reason couples divorce.

If it is working so well, why change it up?

My intuition tells me there is more going on here that what we are hearing about.

Why after fourteen years there is:
1. Such a large amount of personal debt?
2. No wedding bells in the offering?
3. This kind of confusion in a relationship about the two topics?

I am not being smarty pants here but very sincere when I ask-- are the two of you talking in depth?

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Originally Posted by chuff

I think everyone is going to disagree with me but I agree with your boyfriend. Why should he have to take on your debt. finance are the number one reason for divorce and if he marries you then this problem becomes magnified even more. I'm a little confused why you weren't married sooner if you've been dating for 14 years but that being said at this point it doesn't make since for him to assume your debt. Why is marriage an issue all of sudden?

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We boath are 28 still live at home neather of us pay any rent , and have never lived together , we are at an age when all of my friends are getting married, and we both agree that it is time to move out . But he is concerned about this one issue.why should he be if he says loves me.

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

My intuition tells me there is more going on here that what we are hearing about.

Why after fourteen years there is:
1. Such a large amount of personal debt?
2. No wedding bells in the offering?
3. This kind of confusion in a relationship about the two topics?

I am not being smarty pants here but very sincere when I ask-- are the two of you talking in depth?

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It is not a super large amount of debt, but I think what bothers him is I haven't done anything about it other than pay the interest.I have asked him if he can help me out with it ,but I guess he looks at it as if I don't make any attempts to do anything about it then why should he. Is that fair.

Freez,

No offence to you, because I am sure you are a good person.

However, if I was with someone for 14 years and they only paid the interest on their debt and made no effort, I would NOT want to get myself legally bound with this person no matter how much I loved her.

Move in, and sign a co-habitation agreement? Yes. But that would be about it.

You also make reference to asking him to help.

I have seen this story so many times although usually the genders are reversed.

Male asks female to help him out then eventually male dumps female and female sues male.

This is YOUR debt. You need to learn how to control it on your own and show him you can be responsible with money, which is a HUGE issue in any marriage.

Just my 2 cents on the issue.

Okay so... you both live with your parents yet and DON'T pay rent, soooo... why don't you have the money to pay this debt off? You've been out of high school for approx. 10 years? (May have went to college but still... NO RENT?? )

I'm sorry but... I am 32 yrs old with a child (single mom)

1. I pay rent
2. I am 2 months away from being debt free
3. No man has ever had to "carry me" nor have I asked him to
4. I still have a life

Bottom line... make an EFFORT to pay your bills!

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Originally Posted by freez

we boath are 28 still live at home neather of us pay any rent , and have never lived together , we are at an age when all of my friends are getting married, and we both agree that it is time to move out . but he is concerned about this one issue.why should he be if he says loves me.

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How much do you owe? How much do you make? I'm confused. You have free rent and you can't apply that extra money to you debt? What is this debt from?

Just because your friends are getting married doesn't mean you get to. Are your friends happily married? Or are they just doing it because everyone else is too?

He should be concerned about this issue because if he marrys you then he assumes the debt. That's not part of the marriage agreement. The reality is if YOU LOVED HIM you wouldn't put him through this. You would fix your money and money management problems before any talk of marriage.

There has got to be a catch here. Any one living with parents and pays no rent must be frivolous with there money or highly irresponsible. Sorry your boyfriend is absolutely right to not marry you. Why would any man want a woman who not only has proven she can't manage money, but takes no responsibility for it either. I'm sure you have had this discussion with him before and you still have not made an effort to improve the situation. Solve your problem with counseling or a money manager and be lucky you still have a boyfriend. 14 years is a lot of time to be so unprepared for life together.

I'll admit, 14 years is a long time. Anyone should be able to make a commitment after 14 years of being together. However, he is right to be concerned about your financial difficulties. Poor money management is about the most quick way to kill a marriage. If you really want to reassure him then begin working on your debt now and get it paid off. Take a second job if you have to. Look for ways to cut expenses. Trade in your car for a cheaper one or sell it outright and buy a bicycle or use public transportation. If possible, try to find less expensive living arrangements. Take in a roommate to share expenses with or move "back to the nest." In the future, don't buy anything you can't afford. Good money management is really nothing more than common sense.

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Originally Posted by freez

we boath are 28 still live at home neather of us pay any rent , and have never lived together , we are at an age when all of my friends are getting married, and we both agree that it is time to move out . but he is concerned about this one issue.why should he be if he says loves me.

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Holy cow! You're living at home and still have an insurmountable pile of debt? Come on, now. Something's not adding up here. There's something you haven't told us. There's got to be something going on. Bad investment, civil judgement, impulsive buying ; something.

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Originally Posted by freez

It is not a super large amount of debt, but i think what bothers him is i havent done anything about it other than pay the intrest.i have asked him if he can help me out with it ,but i guess he looks at it as if i dont make any attempts to do anything about it then why should he. is that fair.

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Why have you only paid the interest? If it is not a "super large amount" then you should have no problem paying the principal and being done with it. Have you been unemployed and unable to pay? If so then you should be able to negotiate alternate arrangements with the creditor. If he feels that you are, in fact, not attempting to do anything about it yourself then I don't blame him for not being willing to help you out. Either way, this is a situation where you're going to have to take the bull by the horns and get it straightened out.

This STILL doesn't add up in more ways than I care to count! Two people almost in their thirties still living with their respective parents, with one in debt and only paying interest and the other reluctant to get involved beyond essentially dating for fourteen years --- we still aren't at the bottom of this pile! LOL

Like Ricky said to Lucy: You better start s'plaining...

The things I would need to know are:
1. What is the debt about in just general terms?
2. What has occurred that explains you both living at home?
3. How has fourteen years gone by with so little progress in the relationship, i.e. what's been "interrupting" that progress?

This is not to be nosey Freez but I really don't understand enough to comment on what little you have put down here. You have some pretty unusual circumstances and I am not comfortable with judgements made in haste so I would like to understand, please.

Very true Val, very true. I won't even try to rep you because I know I'll have to spread it.