I dated my recent boyfriend for about a year and a half. We were so inseparable at first. Crazy about each other. We had been fighting on and off for awhile, and finally, he ended it a couple days ago. I could see it coming but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I could just tell he didn't care as much. He said he still loved me in his heart, but not his head. I made a few mistakes in our relationship that I utterly regret with all my heart, but he said they changed the way he feels about me. He saw me kiss another guy, and one weekend later, after promising I would never screw up again, I was hitting on someone else. Both of these occasions way too much alcohol was involved, and I would do anything to take it all back. I even told him I would quit drinking and really really change, but he told me it didn't matter anymore. He even cried when he dumped me, but he said he couldn't deal with the stress, the worry, and the responsibility anymore. He admitted to lying to me while we were dating, and he said he just wasn't happy anymore. I feel partly responsible because I was too needy, as I have a bad habit of being. He said he feels like a sucker for being with me for so long, and he never wants to be in a relationship again. He said he just wants to sleep with random girls, and party because he's 21 should be having fun. We fought and he left, but in the next couple days I tried to get ahold of him. He got to be really mean to me, he yelled at me, told me we never had a chance to ever be anything again, the trust was gone, and he when I asked if he actually hated me, he said a little. I told him that it just didn't seem possible to hate me when the day before he told me that he still cared for me but couldn't be with me. He told me he was lying to save my feelings. I suppose I understand how he feels overwhelmed, and I agree that our relationship had lost its happiness and joy, but I still think he loves me deep down. Maybe he really feels that life would be better without me, but I can't help but hope that this is a phase he's going through to lash out because of the hurt and dissapointment I've caused him.
I don't want the relationship we had before, but I want a new relationship, a healthy one, with him. I just don't know how to tell how he really feels about me.

Just give him and yourself time. Let him be 21 and "have fun" and you do the same, it sounds like you like to have a good time as well, and now you can! You won't be cheating and you won't feel guilty if you kiss or hit on another guy, maybe you'll really enjoy being single! One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. It sounds like you broke his and he's probably broke yours a bit (by saying he lied to you to save your feelings) Trust can come back, but it takes work, and it takes two people willing to try to make it work. He'll have to forgive you first, and maybe in time he will, it sounds like he really cared about you and loved you, to be hurt by what you did, so give him time, and see how you feel after not being with him for awhile, maybe you'll find you're happier, or maybe you'll still want him back, and maybe he'll feel the same. Sometimes relationships end (like yours has) but the two people end up back together and fall more in love and have a better, stronger relationship because of the break up. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I'm have been dealing with a break up for 3 weeks and I know how hard it is, and it's very hard to believe that the one who leaves just "hates us" or in my case doesn't love me anymore. For me, I don't know if I should believe that, or believe what he's been telling me for the year and a half (loves me, wants to marry me, have kids with me, etc) I really hope things work out for the best for you!

Wow... well not to be a b***h but I'd say you kind of got what you deserved. I mean alcohol is NO EXCUSE for cheating what so ever. You still knew what you were doing. I hate it when people say they cheated because they were drunk, unless you were fall down black out drunk you knew what you were doing. I do empathize with you though, but I'd say deep down you probably don't love him as much as you think you do, you just love the idea of him. I went through this too only I was on the other end, I didn't take the guy back, I was devastated. I realize everyone makes mistakes but when you do it more than once (like he did also) I would say it's no longer a mistake you want to do it. That's why it was easy for me to walk away. Maybe he's different, maybe he will give you a second chance, if so I wouldn't do anything to put doubt in his mind because I'm sure the doubt is still there and won't go away for a long time. I would give him space for sure, I know when I broke up with my ex I didn't want to be around him because it made me want to be with him, and I knew that wasn't a smart move. I wish you luck though!

Leave him alone, he's better off without you. And if you do want to make him happier don't even try to contact him.

You kissed at least two other guys, and no it's not the alcohol's fault, it's yours. Did someone pour the drinks down your throat with a funnel? Didn't think so.

You had your chance with him, you betrayed him TWICE.

So do him a favor and leave him alone.

So you would rather be in denial than see the truth HUH?? He is through with you and wants no part of you any more, and has been really clear about that, and if you don't believe what he has told you and keep trying to get him back, he will surely hate you even more.

So leave him alone, and get your act together, and be better for this life lesson than you were before. Learn, and grow.

No

I know everyone here has become extremely judgemental in the last 5 minutes they took to get to know my relationship, but it wasn't just that simple. Yeah I hurt his feelings but he wasn't an angel either. Once he had even grabbed my friends while he was drunk and I was sitting right beside him. I didn't go out behind his back and cheat on him, it was a quick ugly kiss in a bar that never should have happened. The second occasion I didn't even cross that line.


Oh, and to cindy chick, I was fall down, black out drunk. I got over served in a bar and I don't even remember any of that particular incident.

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Originally Posted by kreimer

oh, and to cindy chick, i was fall down, black out drunk. i got over served in a bar and i dont even remember any of that particular incident.

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And whose fault is it? The bartender for serving you or you for asking for a drink and drinking it as well?

It doesn't chance much actually kreimer.

If you're OK and willing to accept what he did, then more power to you.

But he just wasn't okay with what you did, and you have to accept that he didn't. I'm sorry but that's how it is, you did some things that hurt him and he didn't want to be with you anymore and deal with it again.

What can't you understand about his decision?

It is not being judgmental but truthful.

The truth is it is over, does not matter what happen. It was ended and you need to learn to accept that and move on.

Joe

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Originally Posted by kreimer

oh, and to cindy chick, i was fall down, black out drunk. i got over served in a bar and i dont even remember any of that particular incident.

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Even still I don't see how that makes it any better. In my opinion there was no love on either side then. If you were trying to get with other guys and he was chasing after your friends. I'm not trying to be judgmental just truthful. If you love someone you don't go chasing other people and kissing or grabbing them. Temptation is always there of course but when you are truly "in love" you wouldn't want to do that to the person you are in love with. I'm sure you are deeply saddened by this and I know it's not easy but you have to look at it for what it is, a learning lesson. I'm sure the next guy you will be more cautious with. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. And if he was hitting on your friend's then that should have been a sign that he wasn't good for you anyway, because that's about the lowest thing you can do besides cheating, I'd rather someone cheat on me with a stranger than one of my friends...

To some this may seem harsh:

Being over-served is not an excuse for over-drinking. I start with that because I don't want you to think it is an excuse for being drunk. In this day and age with all of the things being slipped into drinks and with what can happen to someone who is extremely out of it, YOU have to be in control of your in-take which includes knowing what you had to drink and how much. Safety is the key word.

Quite frankly, I don't think I would want him back. I have higher standards than to want to be involved with someone who tells me:

1. I am not in love with you.
2. I want to party and sleep around with random females (too many diseases out there not to see that as a red flag).
3. Thinks I am the only one responsible when he was there too and doesn't seem to have said anything about slowing down on the drinking. I don't like the thought of being set-up for a fall and if he was as drunk as you were what mischief did he get up to that got lost in the hang-over.
4. Lies to me about his feelings. I wouldn't trust a word he said about 'love' if he did come back. I would think they were words used to get me to have sex with him because his random bed buddies aren't around.

Read the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board and work on liking yourself better. Find ways to have fun that don't include drinking to the point of blacking out. Find friends who won't let you get that drunk.

Let yourself heal and get rid of the baggage.

I guess to whomever asked what I didn't understand about it, I do understand... I just don't want that to be the only answer. Relationships are complicated and you can't let silly mistakes ruin your life. I believe there are such things as real mistakes. I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes, (although I am a bartender, and it is the bartenders responsibility to make sure you do not get that drunk) but I do believe that you can love someone and make mistakes that sometimes can be forgiven. I accept the fact that if he doesn't love me anymore then there is nothing I can do about that. But I believe if there is love there then maybe he's just lashing out against the anger and dissapointment I've caused him. Maybe one day we could work things out. Either way, you're all probably right in the sense that at this point, my hands are tied.

You still do not get it. It does not matter the reason but he ended it. I know you can sit here and hope and always come back to maybe down the road. Please do not wait for down the road. You need to learn, and grow because of this experience and hopefully in a future relationship WITH SOMEBODY ELSE. Then maybe the same things will not happen again or repeat itself in a new relationship.

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I am a bartender, and it is the bartenders responsibility to make sure you do not get that drunk

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Wow! So you have no responsibility in this? Did the bartender force drinks down your throat? Did he insist that you keep drinking? Did he come to the table with drinks in hand without you even asking for another?

I love how it's everyone's fault but yours.

In the end it takes two to make a relationship work. If he's not on board, then you have to accept that and move on, learn from your mistakes, and work harder to make the next relationship work.

If you keep making these mistakes over and over then it's not all right. This is my opinion

If you love someone you don't kiss or sleep with someone else.
Alcohol has ruined many good relationships. I feel sad for you but you should really seek help.

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get to know my relationship, but it wasn't just that simple. Yeah I hurt his feelings but he wasn't an angel either. Once he had even grabbed my friends while he was drunk and I was sitting right beside him. I didn't go out behind his back and cheat on him, it was a quick ugly kiss in a bar that never should have happened. The second occasion I didn't even cross that line.

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He gets drunk, and does dumb stuff. You get drunk and do dumb stuff. You both need to stop getting drunk, and doing dumb stuff. Together its double the mess, so what is it you want back? It can't be the drunk dumb stuff, and I doubt that will just go away anytime soon, just until the next drunk. So exactly what are you trying to save here??

Kreimer,

Honestly? It doesn't matter what you did or what he did at this point. It is over. He is showing you exactly what he is feeling for you right now. He is gone.. actions speak louder than words. My advice is to stop over thinking this and accept it. It hurts but you need to move on and learn from ALL of it. Sorry. :(

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Originally Posted by kreimer

to altenweg, i said i took full responsibility for my actions, so read closer.
to jesushelper, i told you i respect that you have opinions, but we are different in every way so your advice doesnt mean anything to me, but thats just me, im sure there are lots of people out there who think the same way you do.
to classyt, you seem genuine, i dont resent you and you do seem to have good advice.
to cat1864, you do seem a little harsh, haha, but you have good points
to kitkat, havent you ever been 20? i know alcohol doesnt do anyone any favours.. but i also know there are such things as genuine mistakes. youre right i should be more responsible but its human nature to not be perfect

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Yes I have been twenty... and when I did drink alcohol and that wasn't a lot.. I didn't drink to the point of blacking out or kissing another man or acting irresponsible.

If I had a dollar for every time I've read or listened too a story just like yours I could buy a nice big sailboat. More breakups and spousal abuse
And adultery are caused by alcohol and drugs than any thing.

Yes I was twenty once, but I knew my limits and I also had enough common sense to know the difference in right and wrong. I'm really not putting you down, I'm just saying you are the one who is irresponsible for what you do.

You are right.. people make mistakes... but they learn from them. I hope you find the strength to know there are people who will take advantage of a situation and it could be dangerous. You need to worry about your safety and you also need to realize... nobody is judging you. I think you know you have problems and coming here to ask for help is a good first step. Keep posting... we're just trying to help... Kit

So judge the situation if you have to, but not me. Thanks for the advice, from any of you that are genuine

I have not judged you once. Not even once. I am sincere and genuine in my advice. I think you're the one that has been judging me completely because of my user name? Never onced said anything to you about my beliefs not once. Just gave you advice, the same advice everyone else has given you except only difference is I have Jesushelper as my user name.

STOP judging me. Stop going by my name and actually read what I wrote. Instead of jumping down on me for apparent differences that you and I have according to you. When I do not even know you and you know me. I am just going by your specific situation.

So whether you like it or not. Whether your still in love or not. The fact is YOU need to MOVE on. ITS OVER. That is a fact. The fact is YOU need to work on yourself to make sure the same mistakes do not happen in future relationships.

No one is perfect and never said anything about perfection but your situation has been resolved by the ending of the relationship.

You need to read back over the post and see that the people who have responded to your question and what they tell you is the best advice. Most of them are experts and have given some great advice.

Helper is just that he tries as we all do to give that person the best advice possible. I think you are like I was a long time ago.. you strike out and say things that hurt people because you are hurting.

Believe me... we're all here to help you... we really are... Kit