Threads merged

I was seeing a guy much older than me for a very short period aftet batting around the idea for months, but not long after we got together things kicked up in his life and he decided to move away and get away from it all and thus, we broke up.

We didn't speak for ages but then I decided to text him and say hello and he invited me to come visit him, to which I replied yes.

I'm just really confused what this means and why he wants me to visit, to keep a friendship or for sex or for more? He has bene lovely and ringing me but I just worry and have always held on to hope for a reconcilliation and feel I am reading into things too much.

Also I cannot see why he even wants to talk to me when I feel like an idiot around him with the age difference etc. Just tried ringing him to say hey and I hung up within a minute because I was scared he didn't want to talk to me, I have run my brain into knots and don't know what to do, visit or not, and what he thinks.

Help

Xxx

The only person who can answer your question is him. Though you broke up for a reason and it's never fun to open a can of worms, you do appear to be very curious about what he has up his sleeves.

The only way to find out is to show up. However, I suggest that you meet in a neutral location instead. There's no reason why you would need to go to him place.

The only way you can know what he is thinking is to ask him. Part of any relationship-friendly or romantic-is the ability to communicate with each other.

He may not know where the relationship going, too. Anxiety over long distance relationships or those with age differences is very common. He could be just as self-conscious as you are.

I can just see it now. He's probably posting a similar thread on here. "My ex just sent me a text 'hello' out of the blue. What does this mean?"

I don't know, I suffer socail anxiety so I freak out at the thought of meeting people and talking o people. I just tried ringing him to say hey because I know his father (never met him) is in a bad way and thought I would be supportive and try to work on a friendship at least but he seemed confused and taken aback, he had only told me 2 days beforehand about his father and said the trip may be postponed or cancelled through it but not sure yet, but I felt he thought I was tryng to nag and pressure him to let me know but I wasn't, so I freaked out and ended the conversation, again social anxiety, I buitl up in my head he would be off with me so no matter how nice he could have been I would still have taken it wrong. I'm just confused now, it's all just weird for me and we barely even kicked the relationship off, 2 weeks officially but he spent most of the time at his mums looking after her and then left a week after he came back.

I just keep getting stressed and am ruining it I am sure through stress, but I just don't know how to take it and will never find the confidence to ask, and if it is just friendship I will look like an idiot.

There are two ways to look at this:

If this guy is causing you so much anxiety, why are you bagging yourself on the wall?
Back away gracefully so that you can work on your self-esteem.

On the other hand, a way to boost your self-esteem is to gain experience and confronting your fears. Therefore, I suggested that you compromise and meet him in a neutral setting, such as a coffee shop to see what he has to say. But only meet him if you really want to know what he has to say. That way, if you don't like what he has to say, you can get up and leave.

Otherwise, you should definitely back off and tell him to leave you alone.

The thing is, EVERYONE causes me this much anxiety, and I used to avoid everyone but am trying to break the circle and deal with it.

He hasn't done anything wrong, things were weird and tense with us but that can easily be put down to the situation we were in at the time, but I know what you are saying, maybe going form not talking for 3 minths to meeting up in 2 weeks time is a bit much, but we cannot meet for coffee as he lives far too far away and I don't drive and I don't think this conversation can be solved over a coffee, but I may be wrong, he invited me to stay at his for a couple of days or longer if I wanted a holiday or something, which threw me but surely this means there is nothing bad between us and its all in my head, this ridiculous hanging up of phones and stuff and worrying so much I almost sound like I am brushing his generosity (?) off..

I know I sound like a rambloing teen, but I have never been in a situation like this before, friends tell me he obviously wants to see me but I am too insecure to believe this. Argh

Oh, and what does this message say to you: I tried to sound supportive but to let him know I wasn't trying to pester him into finding out and that I understand if the trip is cancelled, but I fear I worded it wrong...

Sorry babe, tripped over the cable and pulled it out. Hope everything goes okay, don't worry, I don't mind not coming down, just hoping for the best for you. Xx

I find that people who have personal issues, that need addressing, its best not to make big decision without an awful lot of thought.

Especially since you could be talking to him directly, by phone, and getting answers to your questions before even committing to anything at all. Its called honest communications, and making decision based on facts, and not just feelings. Then you would have to wonder less about his motives, without your feelings being in the way, and clouding the picture.

Thank you all, I feel a bit silly this morning reading back on this, I just worked myself into a frenzy and feel foolish. You all gave some great advice and am going to listen to it. I'm just going to keep in touch but not rush meeting up so soon, it was a bit too out of the blue and like you said, as I have anxiety issues clouding my judgement too much it would be a terrible idea.

Thank you x

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Lui_lu

Thank you all, I feel a bit silly this morning reading back on this, i just worked myself into a frenzy and feel foolish. you all gave some great advice and am going to listen to it. I'm just going to keep in touch but not rush meeting up so soon, it was a bit too out of the blue and like you said, as I have anxiety issues clouding my judgement too much it would be a terrible idea.

Thank you x

---

That sounds like a great plan. Good luck.

I had previously posted about being confused about the situation woth my ex, and now it's a bit more complicated. I'm not worked into a frenzt tonight so my replies may be more sane now :) I live home alone woth my 17 month old son and friends are not always around so when I need to talk to people, nobody is there, this site is a good release, thank you :)

I was seeing a guy 19 years my senior (I'm 25, he is 44) and things have been complicated from the beginning. We met about 2 weeks after he decided to leave his wife and started hanging out (we didn't sleep with each other or anything like that but there was massive interest on both sides) but then he stopped and disappeared, 2 months later we bumped into each other and he explained he just freaked out cos he had just left his wife and didn't want to get involved and that he REALLY liked me but just couldn't, which is fair enough. We then arranged to meet again but I freaked out and accused him of lying to sleep with me (which he wasnt) and we fell out for a few weeks, bumped into each other a couple mor etimes, then things caught up and we started seeing each other, but only for 2 weeks. He spent all but 2 days of that 2 weeks looking after his sick mother in another town so we didn't see each other but spoke all the time, but when he got back things had kicked off behind his back and his ex=wife got involved and stirred things up so he made the decision to leave town altogether, we remained friend until he left 2 weeks later but there were still feelings.

3 months later, having not spoken to him at all, I text him to see how he was and he invited me to visit, and this got me all worked up because of past feelings. I took advice from people here and sent him a message telling him I was not sure if it was a good idea as I have realised I still really like him and I know I will say or do something when we see each other and make myself look like an idiot, but that I still really wanted to see him. He repled that he felt the same, and that he has no idea how we work ot out because he doesn't want to mess me around and he has a lot going on in his family life but really wants to see me too. He said he wanted to work this out but couldn't commit to anything right now.

On trying to talk on the phone about it all it just got me confused. He said he wants me to come visit as soon a spossible, but doesn't know when as he needs all his free time for his family and doesn't want to invite me down to not spend time with me,but wants me down, but doesn't think it would be fair, but I can still if I want to etc... He also said he had no idea what to say to me and also said if we really wanted to work it out then we could. I then text him and said I would still visit anyway, despite his family issues and he said yes bacsically.

I'm just confused now as to whether he really wants to see me or feels he has to cos the whole conversation was weird and I couldn't talk properly as I had a friend in the room and what it all means basically. Have not heard from him since and I don't know what he is thinking, I just don't want to get hurt or put more pressure on him cos he is not good at pressure but I know I really want to see him That and I know he was annoyed I barely said 3 words to him over the phone and relied on text to do it.

Also, I feel like an idiot getting so involved emotionally when it was in theory a 2 week relationship in which we didn't see each other but it was such a long process.

Clarity, advice, opions, please!

Am I just being silly and thinking too much? Do I sound daft? Replies needed :) xx

Sod this, just delete all this then please, merging it is just going to hide my question or something and no longer feel like it will get answered. Not being moody but I wanted to start again away from this post and say it properly. X