I'm going to marry Marige in about 2 mo. However when her and her Ex meet. (not very often) they hug. She says she would rather not. But to keep peace she does. Either way I strongly Dislike it, and have said so in nice a nice way. (But it continues) it make me feel as if she is putting him before me. So I ask myself if she willing disregards me over him. Should I marry a woman that is controlled by another man. Or am I making too much of the hugs

Hi, srfxbox!

What does your wife-to-be say when you have spoken with her about this? I still give my ex-wife hugs, now and then, even though she's remarried. However, the hugs are always for some very special occasion.

Thanks!

In my opinion if she says that she doesn't want to hug him but does it to keep the peace then instead of thinking she is disregarding you think of it as she doesn't want to cause a confrontation over something so little. And since she is going to marry you and not try to work things out with her ex, that should be enough proof that she is putting you first over him.

You may want to take a step back and ask why it bothers you so much? If you love her than this shouldn't be enough to question if you want to marry her or not. If there is trust issues this early (and that is what it sounds like whether it be her judgment or loyalty) than that needs to be considered first.

In the end with this situation neither one of you is in the right or wrong. You have the right to ask her not to hug her ex, but not to question rather you should marry her over that. Just think it through before you make a decision you may regret.

That makes a lot of since. To add a little more. I've caught her in lies. Be them small or an alteration of the truth. Some I have confronted others I let slide. She blames these actions on her ex. Saying that after 16 years of marriage to him. He made her that way. I tell the most important thing to me is to be able to beleav e her know matter what. And now I'm really starting to have doubts. Im thinking about speaking to her in the moring and putting all out there. And giving her anthoer shoot. But push the wedding date back a year.

Really have a think about this...

Is this all because you are about to be married?

If by putting off the wedding for a year, will this time next year will you be thinking the same thing?

Everyone gets nervous when going to marry someone and things go through your head that didn't mean much before... But you could deal with it now rather than putting it off a year.

It's the lies that are really getting to me. I what to be able to trust her no matter what happens. That is the 1 requierment I laid out in the being. DON'T lie to me. And I caught her to night lying to me. She doesn't know it yet. But after she eats in the morning. I well bring it up to her. If I can't trust her to tell me the truth in small things. Then how can I trust at all. And I trully want trust her. BUt I have trouble deciding at what point to quit trying

Is there a possibility of the two of you getting some pre-marriage counseling, srfxbox?

Doing so could help to determine if the two of you are really compatible with each other or not.

Many couple do that before they get married.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Clough

Is there a possibility of the two of you getting some pre-marriage counseling, srfxbox?

Doing so could help to determine if the two of you are really compatible with each other or not.

Many couple do that before they get married.

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Im going to speak to her about that, it crossed my mind a few times lately

When I was a lot younger and considering marriage, getting counseling as a couple was something that I would not have even considered, because I thought that doing so would be a sign of weakness of some sort. I used to like to think that everyone should be able to solve their problems on their own.

However, that's not always the case...

I've now learned that oftentimes, seeking out assistance and guidance can be the best thing to do, especially when two people are considering being joined together in marriage.

I think your making small things into bigger things and its more you than her. If I were here and knowing how you are I might tell you things to avoid your confrontations too.

From what you have written, you do a lot of over reacting, and confronting, which may not be all that necessary.

Trust is like respect and loyalty, you have to give it 100%, before you get it back, and she has told you of the 16 years with the ex, and the baggage she still carries, so how long have you guys been together, and how old are you, (doesn't sound like spring chickens to me), and WERE you married before as well.

How long have you known each other? These are all important factors in how you should handle yourself, as one of you, or both may have issues that blind your judgments and thoughts from reaching logical conclusions or strong feelings that keep you from seeing the facts for what they are.

You sound like you are carried away with your own insecurity, and can be controlling.

Why does she need to keep the peace with her ex? What is she worried about happening if she doesn't hug him? I don't think you are insecure or over reacting, as there seems to be something wrong about the situation and you want to make sure that you fully trust the person you are about to commit to for the rest of your life. She is willing to do something for her ex to stop a confrontation but not for you, her future husband? I had the same problem when I met my husband as I was still under the 'control' of my ex. The sooner I listened to my now husband and got him out of my life the better for both of us. It sounds to me it is her ex who is controlling not you. I also agree with Clough about the counselling, it may help to talk about the issues you disagree about before you get married.
Good Luck with it all