Ask Me Help Desk - My fianc? Died of cancer

My fiancé died of kidney cancer, were supposed to get married but it hurts till today, sometimes I wonder why? It's been 4 years and I still wish he was here with me, we went through so much together, I'm trying to move on but still wish things were different. Anyone gone through the same or any advice on how to move on? Could this be hindering my finding someone else?

I am going to give you some wise words I got from a fortune cookie (lol), "the only way to discover new oceans is if you are willing to lose track of the shore" I'm sorry for your loss, but I doubt he would be to happy to see you still mourning after four years.

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Originally Posted by mwelu

My fiance died of kidney cancer, were supposed to get married but it hurts till today, sometimes i wonder why? It's been 4 years and I still wish he was here with me, we went through so much together, I'm trying to move on but still wish things were different. Anyone gone through the same or any advice on how to move on? Could this be hindering my finding someone else?

I'm very sorry for your loss. Yes, dwelling on this is keeping you from enjoying life and getting back into the social scene (and finding someone else).

I don't think you have done the right kind of grieving that will give you closure. So far, your grieving is all about you, but grieving is more than remembering and crying and hurting. Grieving is constructive and is all about him, not about you.

Let's talk about how you can make your fiancé the center of your grieving and honor his memory. Did he have any favorite hobbies or special interests?

4 yrs is a little bit long for this. I am terribly sorry for your loss don't get me wrong. But think of it like this... its like a deep cut... it heals but the scar will always be there to remind you of the cut. I truly think he would not want you to go on like this. Life is for the living and your alive... so get to it because like you already know.. its way to short.

I've never seen something from a Chinese fortune cookie offered as advice before. That having been said -

I understand where you are, how you feel. I was widowed in 2007 (my late husband died from kidney failure as a complication of diabetes). I don't think four years is too long (or "a bit long") to mourn IF it is the time frame you need. If you are ready to move on, though (and it appears you are), then you must take some positive steps to get closure or peace or whatever you need in order to move forward.

My personal experience was that I grieved fiercely for slightly over a year. I (literally) worked, went grocery shopping and stayed home. I didn't attend a single "social" event, including get togethers of friends and relatives. It was terrible and then one day I realized part of my mourning was the shock of losing my husband (which wasn't really a shock as we were married in ICU and I always knew I would be a widow) and part was missing him... and, as Wondergirl said (and I hope I'm understanding her) part of it was just feeling sad for MY loss. Things then began to improve for me.

This may or may not be the case with you. There is simply no right way and no wrong way to grieve, to get closure, to find comfort. We all have our triggers and I was infuriated by people who told me what MY husband would want me to do, how MY husband would want me to mourn. He was sick, as I said, for a long time and always told me that I would find peace in my own time frame and whatever that was, that was what he wanted for me.

Yes, you need to get out and about. Perhaps a class or two, perhaps getting involved in a civic committee. I found volunteering (and hospitals and libraries and nursing homes are THRILLED to have a volunteer for as little as 4 hours a week) allowed me to meet people, get out of the house, become active again.

And the word of hope here - and I realize it may very well be too soon for you to hear this - is that I met a wonderful man purely by luck and circumstance. He was a widower and we had a good rapport from the beginning. We dated for 13 months and then we married. My life has gone on. I never, ever thought I'd remarry and I never planned to - and then my "new" husband walked in the door!

Am I rambling? I'll add this one thing. There are still times when I rememeber my late husband to the point where I almost can't catch my breath, when my grief is new and raw and fresh. My husband occasionally has the same experience. The fact that your life has gone on doesn't mean that you didn't love the person who is gone, that that part of your life was not important, that you should remember and eventually smile.

And one OTHER thing - in the very beginning I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't get my mind off my loss and I stumbled upon AMHD. I posted for hours (I work in the legal field), answered questions, researched for people, and that was a BIG part of getting my life together.

If you stay here and join "us" you will find enormous support and compassion - some people (and if I'm leaving you out, I'm sorry) such as J9, Wondergirl, Synnen, Alty, Twinkie, "This" (who has become so special to me - she even sent me a wedding presnt) held my hand, uncerstood and dried my tears over the Internet and I will be forever grateful. Maybe you need a similar outlet. Try us, please?

I wish you well - it's a long road, longer for some of us than others. It sounds like you are ready to take control of your life and move forward. Let us know when you do.

Have to spread the reputation around, but beautifully said...

Hi there, I lost my beautiful partner and fiancé to a very rare blood disorder called evans syndrome on the 13th June 2010. The pain and the sadness is overwellming and I feel so lost. I don't know the answer to your pain or loss but I feel that every human being who ever they are has the universal right to be happy. When my Love died I felt asif I knew nothing anymore about this world and it humbled me to realise I know of nothing of real importance but one thing. Before I tell you what that one thing is ask yourself what do you really know about this world that you can confidentaly prove if lets say someone from another world came and ask you the question, "who and what are you as a human being, what are you about and what is your purpose". Consider this, Try and imagine every action you have ever made, and I mean everything from tying your laces to to eating food. Praying, laughing and arguing, shopping and working etc. Now think carefully, every one of all of the actions you have ever made are all based on one simply thing and that is happyness. What I mean is simple. Can you think of an action that is not based on you trying to extract happynes or peace from this world. Go ahead now and think of all of your recent actions even in your sadness I bet they are all based around you trying to be happy even without knowing. Does this not tell you something magical that there is a force beyond your control, a force that drives you to be happy and even if you try and fight it, somehow someway it will pick you up and move you forward. After all why else would you be communcating with others if you were not tryng to be at peace in your heart. You have a right to be happy and no matter how hard the pain inside remember there is something inside of you that will not give in or give up and even if you do your sole will keep fighting for its right to be happy as it is more powefull than you can possibly imagine.. Take comfort and faith in that. I wish you all the love and luck in the world and I love you though we have never met because you like I have one thing in common we are human beings and we both seek the sam thing love and hapyness. Now go and get it. David.X

I'm a widow - you have posted very empty words which maybe helped you and maybe did not but I find them to be empty words. The driving force toward happiness comes much, much later.

In fact, you have posted drivel - misspelled drivel.

The message was not for you!besides I came from the heart

Besides I am dyslexic so shame on you.

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I'm a widow - you have posted very empty words which maybe helped you and maybe did not but I find them to be empty words. The driving force toward happiness comes much, much later.

In fact, you have posted drivel - misspelled drivel.

Besides I am dyslexic so shame on you, you are clealry very negative.

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Originally Posted by HappyHappyHappy

Besides I am dyslexic

There's nothing in what you wrote that says "dyslexic."

You mentioned that reaching out to and doing for others help one move toward happiness. That is very true and what is often suggested on these boards to help questioners move past a bad situation.

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Originally Posted by HappyHappyHappy

besides I am dyslexic so shame on you, you are clealry very negative.

Being dyslexic does not give you license to preach - and, yes, I'm very negative when it comes to your post.

Maybe your quest for happiness is helping you. That is not necessarily the answer for everyone. Everyone has a different time frame, a different means of coping. The person who asked the question (and who has not been back) has been suffering and grieving for four years. It's good that you can move on in two months. Everyone has a different time frame. Don't criticize hers.

And as far as every action in life being for the purpose of "happyness," I also don't agree. Many times action boil down to attempting to survive. Tying shoes for "happyness"? Sorry, but I don't agree. It's good for you that you are happyhappyhappy; that's not the case for everyone.

Yours is not the only path, whether it's from the heart or not.

As I said the message was not for you. Anyone who makes the effort to help someone is trying. For you to make such a negative comment says so much about you as an individual. I am sorry that you are not able to reach your heart bit once again the message was not intended for you sorry.