Ask Me Help Desk - I still love my ex

Me and my ex of about 13 months broke up a few days ago. The reason we broke up was because I was becoming too "needy" and things became a little stressful, but only for the last week of our relationship. I still love him very much, an di would do anything to have him back. Except for the last week, our relationship was amazing--he was the BEST boyfriend ever. I know he still loves me and cares about me, because he bought me a $200 present just a few days before we broke up, and told me how much he loved me! I completely took him for granted and I regret it completely... the end of our relationship was my fault. But can I tell him that? If he need his space I know I should give it to him, but I want this boy back! He was the best and I know we still love each other! He said to talk to him in a week, should I? What do I say? Should I be romantic or just act like everything is normal? I cry and I can't think about anything else... :(

Hun GIVE HIM TIME... so important! Don't try to ignore his wishes... I know its so hard to think you are losing him, but don't think like that. He just got over whelmed and needs some space. If you give it to him like he asked he will be very thankful and should be back in your arms in no time. If you try to act like everything is fine he's going to think your not listening to him... like your ignoring or pushing away his feelings.

Try not to take it personally that he needs some space. You have admitted to being needy... so you know that's his reason. He just wants to know that he can still breath.

Try to think of the positive... You have something very strong and he's not going to just walk away. If anything if you give him time, you will become stronger as a person and as a couple. He will feel more comfortable with you if he knows you will understand and listen to his feelings... ok So give him the time he needs... Love him and think the best of things. Its not over k... its just a rough spot, every relationship has them, you will get through this. Keep your head up and Smile. Look at the gift he got you and cherish it, reminding yourself that he has deep feelings for you and they are still there, he's still thinking about you. Hes thinking about you a lot... he just wants some time... k...

Let us know what happens!

How long should I wait to talk to him? He told me to call him in a week, but should I wait a little longer so I don't seem desperate? Should I mention anytihng about "us" or just play it casual like "oh hey how have you been" etc... bleh

Give him his week... he just might call you before then... as long as you give it to him.

After a week call and just ask him how things are going. Don't put pressure on him to have all his answers straight. Just let it be known your still there for him, your giving him what he needs, and your ready to listen whenever he is ready.

You don't want to sound like you don't care, but you don't want to sound over-eager either. During the week just take time to reflect on your relationship, your feelings and just try to be more comfortable... and try to take control of your urges. Sometimes we want to do SO much to fix or save things... but it can be over done. Try to think about at what point your over doing things. You don't want to get 'needy' again and end up pushing him away again... so take advantage of this week... When he is ready to talk you will be ready to listen and he will be so impressed and happy that you have stuck by him, and even took the time to improve yourself.

Before calling him think about what you want to say, what you want to know... and rehearse it... think of something simple you can talk about... something not about the relationship... so if he doesn't go right into spilling everything, just have some small talk... let him know things are OK and your not trying to rush him.

You just got to feel if he's ready or not. If he's quiet and hesitant then he just may not be ready... let him go, and he will hang up and be amazed that you were handling things well... At the same time you've got to make sure he knows you still care. You don't want to sound indifferent cause that will hurt his feelings... you might be able to say something like, I miss you... or I hope everything is going OK, I know you need your time... I am trying to give it to you...

Just let your heart lead you... not your insecurities k. don't let those doubtful thoughts take over your brain... im telling you... ive been there! LOL once they get all in your head you start doing and saying stupid things... then you feel like an A$$ afterwards...

One Week... its not so bad... really 7 days, well 6 now right?. too easy. For him you can do anything... right? Time is all he wants... and its free!. lol

Ok well I hope I have made sense and encouraged you to be secure and give him space.

OK hunny I know this is hard because I've gone through it but I think that yes you should talk to him! Tell him exsacly how you feel! I know that it can seem like the hardest thing in the world but come on werez that courage?! So if I were you and I did do this myself go up to that boy and tell him how sorry you are and that you feel like the end of the relationship was your fault, and trust me he may think differantly! So yep just go out there and play it like a pro (even if you arn;t) just know what you want and if I want it bad enough who knows you will probably get it!
Glad, and hope I helped
Heidi

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

me and my ex of about 13 months broke up a few days ago. the reason we broke up was because i was becoming too "needy" and things became a little stressful, but only for the last week of our relationship.

You were needy long before the end of the relationship. The last week is when it finally came to a head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

i still love him very much, an di would do anything to have him back. except for the last week, our relationship was amazing--he was the BEST boyfriend ever.

If you say you would do anything, start by listening to what he says. He says your needy. Start working of fixing that personality trait.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

i know he sitll loves me and cares about me, because he bought me a $200 present just a few days before we broke up, and told me how much he loved me! i completely took him for granted and i regret it completely... the end of our relationship was my fault. but can i tell him that?

You bet you can tell him. I'd encourage you to tell him... in the future after you've changed and not become so needy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

if he need his space i know i should give it to him, but i want this boy back!!

You said it yourself. You know you should. He's says your needy. You admit to it. So listen to him if you want him back and leave him alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

he was the best and i know we still love each other! he said to talk to him in a week, should i?

Nope. You might want to talk to him in 10 days. Calling him on day seven is needy. Calling him on day 10 says, "I like you but I don't NEED you."

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

what do i say?

You should say you were calling to wish him a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year since your so busy you aren't sure when you'll get the chance to speak to him over the holidays. You should also keep the coversation short because the new you isn't NEEDY. See where I'm going here.

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

should i be romantic or just act like everything is normal?

See above. No romantic talk. Even if he stirs the conversation that way. Change it to something else.

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

i cry and i can't think about anything else... :(

All I can say to that is time will heal the wound but try find some new things to do or hang out with friends. Watch some comedy television.

Work on your being so needy before you contact him or it will be the same thing all over again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189
i cry and i can't think about anything else... :(

I sign of neediness, and you need a life you enjoy without him. You've pushed him away once so don't repeat that mistake again. I would say call him after a week, but you may need more time than that. Much more.

I'd actually give it a little more than a week, like maybe 10 days to 2 weeks. Then you can call him but act like everything's perfectly normal and don't be romantic. You know what pushed him away so now you know what not to do in the future. Of course, if it was only for a week, like you say, out of 13 months then I'd be leery about the fact that he was so quick to break up with you. There could be more going on here and it could have to do with him so be very cautious about getting re-involved with him

Okay so I didn't call him, I gave him space... and he called me. He cried to me and told me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to hold me etc. then he told me that he knew he couldn't do those things, and that it would be bad for us, and we should just be friends. Then the NEXT day he called me again and said that we can't be friends at all, because we need time to get over each other and adjust. He wants me to be independent and to never get back together. I want to be independent, but I don't want to get over him or him to get over me! I want him to still want me!! I don't want to get back together now, but I eventually I do... and he's just swearing it off because he thinks we'll go back to our old ways if we date again. I am changing, I am becoming more independent... and I want to show him that but I'm stuck? I don't need him now, but can I ensure that he'll come back in a month or so?

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

okay so i didnt call him, i gave him space... and he called me.

Nice. I won't say it works every time but it totally throughs off the other party when they think they know you so well and then they don’t know why you don’t call when that same party ordered you too. Congratulations you just took back some of your power from this guy, and showed him you not a total pushover. I know you don’t see it like that yet but you will.

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

he cried to me and told me how much he missed me and how much he wanted to hold me etc.

More power back your way. He broke down because he thought he had your wrapped around his finger. He was wrong.

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

then he told me that he knew he couldnt do those things, and that it would be bad for us, and we should just be friends.

He was testing you. Congratulations. You passed. I know that because this happened…

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

then the NEXT day he called me again and said that we can't be friends at all, because we need time to get over each other and adjust.

See he thought that you were so desperate that you would do whatever he said and when he said it. He was right to read your personality as needy. He was wrong when he judged just how strong you are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

he wants me to be independent and to never get back together. i want to be independent, but i dont want to get over him or him to get over me!!

That’s dependence. Not independence. If you never CHOOSE to get over him than your not living your life to the fullest. That’s not independence. As Wildcat would say. He’s part of your life. Not your whole life. You must create a life that is your own and then let him or another person in who fits your dynamics of you. Not the other way around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

i want him to still want me!!! i dont want to get back together now, but i eventually i do...

After you really seriously look at independence you might be surprised. But if you truly find independence and he claims that’s what he wants for you as well then maybe you can allow him back in your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kristin7189

and he's just swearing it off because he thinks we'll go back to our old ways if we date again.

I have a feeling he’s right. However, I think he’s saying that because he’s trying to put the fault of this on you since he didn’t realize just how strong you were. If you talk to him again and he says something like that point that out to him and just say “Nice try, but you aren’t fooling me.” I guarantee he won’t expect that coming from your mouth. That being said. Don’t talk to him. Make him realize what he gave up and reconsider just who you are.

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

i am changing, i am becoming more independent...

How?

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Originally Posted by kristin7189

and i want to show him that but i'm stuck? i dont need him now, but can i ensure that he'll come back in a month or so?

If you were truly independent you won’t need to show anybody. They will know it for themselves.