My name is Anya and I am 17. Last July, my mother committed suicide, she hung herself. I was not at home in that moment so I didn't see her. I have been tremendously depressed since then. My hair has been falling like crazy because all the stress and I cry almost every day. This thing she did has made me really miserable, I don't know why she did it. I always let her know I would be there for and told her I loved her but she didn't care. The guilt is just eating me alive. Maybe if I would have been there that day, she would be here (although most people tell me she would've done it anyways). I feel so embarrassed whenever some people ask about my mom, I just tell them she passed away some years ago. Why she did this to me, why?
I also have felt the great need of having a boyfriend. I really need to feel loved, but I can't seem to get a sensible boy.
My dad just went today to California to live (I am in Texas). He has also been depressed but he tries to fill the hole finding new relationships (okay maybe I do the same wanting a boyfriend). He met a woman and he has gone to spend more time with her. He says the true reason he is doing this, is because he can find a better job over there, but I honestly don't think so. I will be staying with some relatives until I finish High School. I really wanted my dad to be here for my senior year because I wanted him to help me with all the stuff for the colleges and universities but he is gone. This relatives are really nice people and I don't have anything against them, it just isn't the same.
I am horribly desperate, I do not know what to do, and I have a big and deep hole that is killing me. I will try to find someone to talk to, because I don't want to get crazy and end up like my mother, I don't think I will though (I hope I won't)...

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and are going through. I know you've heard it before, but it really wasn't your fault that she hung herself. It was a choice she made, one that only she is responsible for, not you.

Having a boyfriend won't fill the void you're feeling. Maybe for a bit, but it'll be more like a band aid. You have to be able to love yourself first before you can feel loved by any one else.

I'm glad to hear you're still planning on going to college. I know no one hear can replace either of your parents, but you can always come here for help. We've got all sorts of experts to help with all sorts of questions and problems. And you can always check out the lounge or discussion boards if you just want someone to talk to. I hope you'll stick around, we really do have a great community vibe going on if you do.

Are you familiar with this: Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

If so,perhaps we can do further discussion on your loss,and where you are today.I understand the loss of your support too,it seems the world you knew has gone.. I am saddened by your losses,all of them.

You won't 'end up crazy',your post here shows your desire for life and sanity,it seems you aren't a quitter or someone who falls prey to too much on their plate,you are a survivor of many tragedies.. let's make this another success.:)

The loss of your mother less than a year ago, and now the loss of your father with him moving away, leaves you in a very vunerable place.

But first things first. People do not commit suicide thinking about what their actions will ultimately result in for those left behind who love them. They are focused on their goal, and like others have told you, you being there that day would not have prevented her from reaching it. While it is hard to digest that day and make sense of it (you may never figure it all out), she was determined, and you and an army of help would not have prevented it.

There are often no obvious clues. It would have seemed like just another school day for you. She planned it that way, totally on her own in silence, because if anyone had known of her plan, some sort of intervention would have taken place. You aren't a mind reader, and you had no reason to think that on that day, she planned to die.

All the what if's, and confusion and questions you have are still fresh. Naturally this is not an easy thing to settle with, and grieving eventually has you realizing that while she solved what she saw as her problem, she has left you with many more. I can understand why you feel the need to have someone who you can talk to who doesn't offer platitudes such as 'it will get better'. Right now it isn't better.

I think, rather than over research, read, or listen to advice that, while well-meaning, isn't helping much, go and see your family Doctor, and tell him you need help in coping with this. I know you are surviving day to day, but help coping is about working through the stages of grief, to eventually get your life back, and feel that you can live with, the memories.

There are grief counsellors, and referral for counsellors through most funeral homes. Your school counsellor should be able to refer you too. If you have attended church, arrange a visit with the priest/pastor/minister, to talk about what you are going through. If you have any close friends, talk to them too. Don't be shy to say that you are dealing with very difficult times, to any of the above noted sources. The more you can build on a foundation of help, the easier it will become after time when the waves of grief seem to overcome you.

As to your father. That to me is another loss. He was what was left of your family, and he has moved on, without you. I don't understand why he is not there for you, but it is what it is. Had you discussed moving in with him in his new home? Or is it better for you where you are all things considered, such as school etc. I hope that he keeps in touch and makes sure that you are getting the help you need.

Try to realize that you are going to be facing difficult times ahead, and the more prepared you are to cope with them, the stronger you will be in the long run.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and I do hope that you find the strength to get counselling with someone who can advise you face to face on how to get through it all.

In the meantime, post any time you feel the need to.

Take good care of yourself.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to answer my post. You don't know how much it means to me; it just gives me so much relief...

Glad we could help. Feel free to keep posting. There's always someone around to talk to on this site.

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Originally Posted by anya101

I am horribly desperate, I do not know what to do, and I have a big and deep hole that is killing me. I will try to find someone to talk to, because I don't want to get crazy and end up like my mother, I don't think I will though (I hope I won't)...

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It would be very easy in your position to misinterpret the catastrophic events that you're living through and particularly at your age. You must be questioning why everyone has left you and why you are left to suffer alone. All of the misgivings you have expressed are normal and predictable. Not easily addressed however.

Unfortunately, many survivors of suicide suffer alone and in silence. The silence that surrounds them complicates the grieving and healing process and the haunting, troubling questions go unanswered.

As you have experienced there is a social stigma surrounding suicide, which has prevented you from expressing your tremendous sense of pain and loss. You, like so many others in your position, you feel there is no where to turn. No one to listen. In fact, there are very few resources for the survivors of suicide and those that do exist don't get the attention deserved.

In order to heal you have to mourn, express your grief, fears, and heartbreak and to scream if you need to. That's true of all bereaved persons that lost someone they loved. But, as you know, suicide survivors confront additional obstacles.

Below I'm providing you with a link to what I believe is the very best resource in the world for assisting the survivors of suicide. The type of specific assistance you are most apt to benefit from. But, there's a secondary motive as well. I read an unrelated post you made offering advice to another. It was just remarkable (I left you a message there). So not only would you benefit from this contact so would the group by your participation.

This organization has on-line material, printed material, and active groups throughout the US. If you'll take a moment to just review the website I think you'll be immediately convinced that they are knowledgeable and authoritative about all aspects of suicide. Many of the points you brought up will be apparent. (Years ago I trained under the founder of the American Society of Suicidology, the parent group. I have experience with and confidence in their programs)

Survivors of Suicide

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know if you believe that her spirit is with you. Read this poem aloud to your moms spirit it may give you some relief.

Mothers are a gift from the heavens above
All through life they share their love
Mothers are the greatest creation
They are what they are and need no explanation
From that first day starts a new life of love and joy
They do anything to protect their baby girl or boy
They walk around as proud as can be
They want to shout look I have a life inside me
Bigger and bigger she gets as time goes by
Some suffer from pain and they cry
There love is so strong that they can bear the pain
They suffer and pray that it all was not in vain
The greatest day on earth has come
With some pain and pushing you are now a mom
You have suffered a lot and sometimes cried
But now it is over and with a baby at your side
Now the easy part is over and your baby is here to stay
You become a doctor a lawyer different people everyday
You protect and raise them through the years
With love joy and even some tears
Now their grown and its time for them to leave
You think back over the years while you grieve
Even thou they are gone and hardly call you
They may not write but they do love you
Mothers belong on a pedestal with the word rare
From the first day till the last they always care
Mothers are and will always be
The greatest any world will ever see
When it is her time to go to heavens place
She is sent back to earth wearing a new face
Over and over a mother they be
To give love to their new baby
Back and forth from heaven to earth
With love and joy and giving birth
Mothers are not one of a kind
They are all the same with love in mind
With love in there heart from heaven they come
Before you move on let me say I love you mom