I am divorced with joint custody of my children. Their father is the primary care giver. I have established close relationships with each of my children. My oldest son, 20, was taken to the ER for emergency surgery on an arm he just broke. I traveled to the hospital and upon arrival my ex would not acknowledge me. I waited through surgery and recovery to see my son. Upon recovery, my ex and his girlfriend appeared. Neither acknowledged me. When my ex went to run his bar (after several interrupting phone calls to him and his girlfriend) his girlfriend stayed in the room. I politely asked her if we could speak in the hall. She refused. I then asked her politely if I could spend some private time with my son. She refused. She informed me that he was her son too. My ex returned with my other two children and lunged at me. He yelled in my face that he would have me removed from the room. The reason I've divorced him is because of his abuse. Without involving my children, I don't know what to do. He has continuously defied our divorce agreement and I am very frightened of him. I've called his current lawyer (as she is representing him currently for a 2nd DUI and was also his divorce lawyer. I did not and still cannot afford a lawyer). I don't know what to do. I just want to visit my children "peacefully" and alone. Any suggestions? Should I file for a restraining order from my ex-husband and his current girlfriend?

For one thing he is in the wrong for getting in your face about it in this type of a situation. For another you could have had the girlfriend thrown out of the room had you wanted to. That is the hardball stuff. As far as a restraining order it would only be against him because from what your saying she pretty much said nothing and just made the situation uncomfortable and awkward. So your real decision is how far do you want to take this? Also you shouldn't be talking to opposing council unless there is something other then a complaint going on. Like a court order or something. Remember its his lawyer and there is no code against lying to the opposing party unless under oath. Also anything you say to them could be recorded and used against you. So be very careful with that.

Now that the crisis is over what do you want to do ?

I've spoken to my children (14, 17, 20) and told them if they wish to have my company than they are going to have to politely ask their father's girlfriend to step back. I am afraid he is going to try to do something to me (he had me committed when we were going through our divorce). I don't believe there is a basis for a restraining order against me in anyway. I just want peace. I'm sure his lawyer will not return my call; however, I am quite sure she will tell my ex that I did call. He currently has a court and jail date set for his 2nd DUI. I just want peace. I have had a PFA against him before and the authorities did not back anything up because "there were no witnesses." In the best interest of my children what would you suggest? I'm not going to base my decisions on answers here but some friendly advice would be appreciated. So, based on my research, I could have had her peacefully removed from the room without my son knowing? I am trying not to put my children in the middle of this.

For one thing. You know your situation best. But it is unreasonable for an adult to yell at another in front of the children unless your in the field and being called to dinner :)

The relationship after the divorce should have moved into one that is commenly called a "business relationship" and that means you don't fight in front of the children. PERIOD. He is overstepping that boundary. Now you might be able to file a restraining order against him and his remarks. He should keep them to himself until it can be private. He should and can be requested to take madatory parenting classes.

If the man has 2 DUI's and he has a history of abuse then quite frankly it may be time for a custody change. Again you know your situation best. But the abuse needs to stop.
And this other woman needs to start acting like a proper woman or she can help him pay child support. Its your decision. Your situation. But as far as the law goes those are your options. Uness custody has been recently decided then you can apply for a change.

What state are you in? Is your oldest son in college? Even if he is why would you have to ask for the step-mom to be removed without your son knowing? He is legally an adult so he can choose whoever he wants in the room with him. I wouldn't try to put the children in the middle and have them ask the stepmother to step aside. Do you have a visitation order? If not go to court and get one.

Your husband had you committed for no reason during the divorce? Is there any reason, anything in your legal papers, that forbids you from having contact with your children or gives your husband all the rights. I do note he has custody of them.

You are making a mistake by calling HIS Attorney - HIS Attorney represents HIM and his interests, not you. It is also wrong to put your children in the middle. Presumably "the girlfriend" is a big part in their life and they should not have to choose. If your "ex" is defying a Court Order, take him back to Court - you don't need an Attorney to hold him in contempt AND you may very well qualify for free representation.

Yes, your son can decide who can and who cannot be with him - what did he during all of this?

In light of your other thread about signatures on divorce decrees I'm not exactly sure what is or has happened here - I truly don't mean to be insulting but I'm not sure the entire story has been posted.

I have joint custody, my ex is the primary care giver. My son had just come out of recovery and surgery. He had no choice nor was I going to make him choose. My ex-s girlfriend moved in with them. She is not an important part of their lives. She helps my ex run his bar. Prior to all of this and the divorce, my ex had my sisters commit me because my mom had just passed away and he told them I was going to commit suicide. While committed, he wiped out all bank and business accounts, and the house went into foreclosure. He left me homeless. I sold the house, got a min. profit as 60g's went to the equity loan to pay for the bar. I did this so he would stop stalking and abusing me. I did not fight because I had no money, name was on business, therefore, no help. I just want a "business relationship" with him as Califdad stated. I do not want to cause any drama, I want to see my children privately without nonsense. Unfortunately, my ex does not see things this way. I am searching for a way to have him uphold the Divorce Decree that was written and signed when I was in distress.

Also, I did all of this for my children. Since my ex had the money, I knew they would be better off with him at the time. I would not make them leave their school and community and uproot their lives and move to the city. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just don't want my children angry with me because of a situation that was out of their control.

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Originally Posted by kymbattack

I have joint custody, my ex is the primary care giver. My son had just come out of recovery and surgery. He had no choice nor was I going to make him choose. My ex-s girlfriend moved in with them. She is not an important part of their lives. She helps my ex run his bar. Prior to all of this and the divorce, my ex had my sisters commit me because my mom had just passed away and he told them I was going to commit suicide. While committed, he wiped out all bank and business accounts, and the house went into foreclosure. He left me homeless. I sold the house, got a min. profit as 60g's went to the equity loan to pay for the bar. I did this so he would stop stalking and abusing me. I did not fight because I had no money, name was on business, therefore, no help. I just want a "business relationship" with him as Califdad stated. I do not want to cause any drama, I want to see my children privately without nonsense. Unfortunately, my ex does not see things this way. I am searching for a way to have him uphold the Divorce Decree that was written and signed when I was in distress.

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Here's my problem - if his girlfriend is living with him and your children she is part of their lives.

I don't know what State you are in but I've never seen anyone committed for more than three days unless a Physician states they need help. It takes more than witness statements to commit someone. Your husband was able to wipe everything out in three days?

At any rate - the legal answer (and this is a legal board) is that you have to go BACK to Court and have the Order, however it's written, enforced.

OR you can continue to attempt to nullify the Divorce based on an error or deliberate omission in the paperwork -

OR you can claim incompetence and/or stress at the time you signed the papers and attempt to get them set aside.

OR you can notify the Court of your ex-husband's DUI/DWI arrest and PROVE he's a danger to your children.

It would appear to be easier and faster to enforce the Order.

If your son is 20, depending on the State, he can choose which parent to live with. Minimally a Judge will hear what he has to say

Again what state are you in?! That really does make a difference because each state has their own laws besides the federal laws. It doesn't matter that you don't want to believe that the girlfriend is a part of their lives if they live together she is period. I'm not saying that she is their mother but she is part of their lives. As said if you want anything to change you have to go to court. You say you have joint custody with him being the primary care giver but there are two types of custody and you aren't saying which you have joint on. There is legal custody which you very well might have joint custody. Then there's physical custody if you have joint physical custody then the children are with you as much as they are with him. I don't really see that being the case, though it could be and you just aren't saying it. Being that I don't think that is the case do you have a visitaiton order? If not then your ex doesn't have to let you alone with them because there is no order in place saying that he does so that would be the first step. How long were you "commited". I ask because as Judy pointed out a doctor is the only one that can "commit" someone for a significant time. Sure another loved one could drop you off and say please keep her she is trying to kill herself but a doctor would have to decide how long you stay not your frinds or family. If it was a great time that might be part of why you aren't alone with your children more. If the judge thinks you are some sort of danger. I don't think we are getting the entire story because there are too many holes to fill in right now.

Thank you everyone. There are no holes to fill, it is what it is. I've decided to speak to each of my children and tell them when there is a an emergency situation, I want to be there. I don't care if his girlfriend is there, or any other for that matter. Whether she lives with him or not, I understand my children have to deal with her. That doesn't mean they "like" her or any other he lives with. The issue is I wanted private time with my son. That is all. I'm thankful they are old enough to understand and if it happens again, I will go and file a petition to have the divorce agreement enforced. Thank you all for your help.

In response to the civil commitment: The world needs to be enlightened with the procedure from state to state. Thank you all for your help, I appreciate your time and thoughts. :)

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Originally Posted by kymbattack

Thank you everyone. There are no holes to fill, it is what it is. I've decided to speak to each of my children and tell them when there is a an emergency situation, I want to be there. I don't care if his girlfriend is there, or any other for that matter. Whether she lives with him or not, I understand my children have to deal with her. That doesn't mean they "like" her or any other he lives with. The issue is I wanted private time with my son. That is all. I'm thankful they are old enough to understand and if it happens again, I will go and file a petition to have the divorce agreement enforced. Thank you all for your help.

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I trust you are aware that any comments which are upsetting or disruptive to your children's lives - if the father gets wind of them - can get you back in Court.

You are walking a fine line here. Just for your info, not judging.

Why don't you go back to Court and ask for an Order granting YOU physical custody and be done with the situation with the girlfriend.

I'm with Judy. Why wait for it to happen again? Why not go to court and have your own visitation established so you do have alone time with the kids. Maybe even try for custody you can use the DUI's against him. There really isn't any reason to wait. And I know you were already reminded but I'll say it again, the more you go through the kids the more that can be held against you should you say anything close to harmful to them physically or emotionally.

You claim there are "no holes", yet you have left several questions unanswered. I suggest you go back and re-read Judy's response (#9). She outlined, very well, your options.

You say you have joint custody, but since the children live with your ex, I assume this means joint legal custody, not physical. You state nothing about what the Divorce Decree states about visitation.

So yes, there are plenty of holes here.