It's been a long time, AMHD! So much has happened since the last school session started.

Last November, I was out with friends at a club, & this very nice man asked me to dance. I left in a hurry without my friends because I had an appointment the next day, & it turned out he knew my friends, & asked them if he could have my number so he could ask me out on a date. We've been dating ever since.

Anyway, when we met, he had been legally separated from his wife for 7 months. The papers for divorced had been filed (she cheated on him) & a few months ago the divorce was finalized. He kept me up to date with the divorce proceedings, & only talked about his ex whenever he was updating me about things. He has admitted that he's working on what he thinks he could have done better in the marriage, which I took as a good sign. They had no children together, but he's made it very clear he wants a family someday.

He's a very caring man, & very traditional: he listens when I need to talk, cooks for me, buys me gifts for no reason, spends a good deal of time with me, holds my hand in public, & is very open with our relationship to family and friends. He took me to his home state for Easter, where I met his family. They told him he looks happier than he ever had been, & now he's taking me back next month for a 2 week vacation there to meet the rest of his family.

We don't say "I love you" to each other yet, but he uses terms like "we" & talks about future plans. I've asked him if he planned on marrying me, & he said "I have no intentions of marrying you right now." I took it as him saying he wanted to break up, but he said he felt that was "Out of the question" because he cares for me a great deal, & he couldn't bear the thought of me leaving & never speaking to him again. He hugged me & cried with me, & then we got some ice cream.

We HAVE been only dating for 7 months... should I stick with it & give him more time? I tend to rush things, & I just feel like we get along so well, & he always makes sure I'm taken care of, as well as spends time with my family.

What do you guys think? Do you think this is going anywhere? And if so, how long does a divorcee' take before recommitting? He is 27. Sorry this is long, but I want to know what you think!

Divorced people carry a lot of emotional baggage with them. More often than not, when they start a new relationship, it's virtually a rebound, unless they've spent a sufficient amount of time getting over the divorce, which is not your case, since he met you before his divorce papers were signed.

Now he's given the added burden of considering a new marriage when he just got out of one. You'll need to realize that his faith in marriage is shaken and it's going to take time for him to recover.

All relationships require emotional risks and patience, because we have no idea what's going to happen in the future. Who knows how things will turn out of the two of you. The question is, are you willing to stick around to find out?

That's what I'm wondering, if I am a rebound. I have talked to him about it, & he says that I'm not, he just would like to move slow, & would like me to finish my degree (I'm over halfway done). He doesn't treat me like I'm a rebound, but you never know. That's why I was asking.

Me & him have similar values, beliefs, etc. I WANT to wait for him, & considering that I, too, am young, I have the time.

I just wasn't sure if I was seeing things clearly. So instead of taking "I don't have any intention of marrying you right now" as "I want to break up," should I have taken it as "I'm not ready for it right now, but in the future"?

Even if you were a rebound, I doubt whether he would admit to that. You're just going to have to decide whether you believe him.

He's right that you should definitely finish your degree before taking this relationship to the next level. Marriage shouldn't be on your mind until you have a steedy job and an reliable income.

Until then, you should focus on building a stronger relationship with him. Let's see if the relationship actually gets closer while you finish your degree.

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Originally Posted by Torrid13

So instead of taking "I don't have any intention of marrying you right now" as "I want to break up," should I have taken it as "I'm not ready for it right now, but in the future"?

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Sounds like he wants to play it by ear. Remember, he just got a divorce less than 2 years ago. If he's ready for a new marriage, what does that say about him? Instead of rushing him, why not focus on developing the relationship further. You haven't even known him for a very long time anyway, so it's not only about him. How can you be so sure that he's the one you want to marry?

If you were meant to be together, then you won't have a problem waiting it out.

Finally, again, it's an emotional risk to be involved in a relationship. We have no idea what will happen in the future. That's why it's an emotional risk. No one can give you any sort of guarantee. Even if he promised you that he would marry you, there's no guarantee that it will happen.

The question is, are you willing to take the risk to see what happens.

I really think you should give this relationship a chance. He sounds like a very nice guy.

He probably has trust issues and it may take him a while to fully trust another woman.

It's worth waiting to see what is going to happen... Good Luck... Kit

Your relationship is so young, just be patient and give it time.

Remember he didn't say that he had no intentions of marrying you at all, but instead said he had no intentions of marrying you right now. That's a good sign.

If you really care for him you're going to have to slow down and wait on the love and trust to grow.

He sounds like a wonderful man, so I'd be tempted to hold on to him if I were you.

Thank you guys for all of your help! I appreciate all the support & good advice.

I was so bothered & confused with all of this that I... well, I called him & flat-out asked him what we're doing. (Probably should have done that earlier, huh?)

I told him that I'm guilty of rushing things, & I just feel like we have so much potential, etc, & I'm sorry for putting unnecessary pressure on him so early, I just get excited sometimes.

He laughed and said that it's OK, he really likes me, too, & he's excited about meeting someone like me. We went back & forth in conversation, & came to the conclusion that we're definitely going to develop our relationship more, because we both see something special. He said, "I really like where I relationship is going, it's just going to take some time & patience on both our parts." I told him I'm glad we could talk & get on the same page.

He then invited me over for dinner. He said he's making my favorite: Chicken Alfredo. :)


So, what do you guys think? Good, yes? But I still value outside opinions because they see things I can't. I agree with you guys when you say I should hold onto him because he's a great guy.

Now for me to just build patience. I have such a hard time with that. Any tips for building patience in this kind of situation?

Patience is what you need right now. There is no reason to rush things and you should probably let him take his time. He seems like a nice guy so go slow in the relationship.

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Originally Posted by paxe

Patience is what you need right now. There is no reason to rush things and you should probably let him take his time. He seems like a nice guy so go slow in the relationship.

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Gosh Chicken Alfredo.. I want to go too. Isn't it wonderful to get excited about someone you really like? You are as giddy as a school girl and I think that's sweet. You need to listen to the song"The Second Time Around". I think you are going to have a great future with this guy.

I still feel giddy sometimes when my husband brings me a rose or buys a CD he knows I love... Good Luck Girl!!

Hi Torrid,

I think you already know as fact that 7 months is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to soon to even think about anything really serious, like living together, or even marriage. Especially marriage.
Just have fun dating as you get to know him a lot better, to be sure he is just not replacing one female for another, and you are NOT just a rebound, or temporary comfort zone buddy.

You know the dangers of getting carried away by those good intense feelings of attractions, and making emotional decisions, that lead to hurt feelings. You have already started to make assumptions, about what he tells you, and thats a warning to slow down and pay attention while your enjoying the feelings.

If things go well for a year, and a half, then that's a good sign, but until then, tread carefully and watch yourself.

Yeah, KitKat, it's really exciting! I'm trying to keep my wits about me & be smart, & that's the hardest part.


Talaniman,
You're right: I DO know it's way too early. I know that I tend to let excitement get the best of me, & that's something I am working on. I can get blinded by emotion, & that is why I came here to ask, to get a fresh prospective. I'm scared, too. I don't want to be a rebound girl.

When I am confused, or scared, I back up to a safe distance, and get facts to balance my feelings. And contrary to popular belief, I do have some rather intense emotions. :D

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Originally Posted by talaniman

When I am confused, or scared, I back up to a safe distance, and get facts to balance my feelings. And contrary to popular belief, I do have some rather intense emotions. :D

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I love being in love... I still have that spark of giddiness sometimes when my husband and I dance to our favorite song, "Chances Are", by Johnny Mathis. It was the first song we ever danced too. Our kids (who are grown now still giggle when we dance). I hope this works out for you torrid... I really do.:) You can call me Kit or Kitty.

You are fortunate to have met a man who is honest.

He doesn't drag you into the drama of the divorce, he doesn't bash his almost ex, but says he recognizes things he did wrong, and obviously doesn't want to make the same mistakes again.

He treats you with respect, and sees enough in your character to build a relationship with you. That means he is not selfishly pursuing a relationship that isn't about to go anywhere.

He seems like a man with a bit of integrity, and with all things considered about how you have described him, I would be surprised if he did rush things. He knows better, and that shows emotional maturity.

People spend years in therapy trying to achieve what he already possesses!

This is a quality man. You have an opportunity to really nourish something wonderful here.

Accept that he is building a foundation, and enjoy the journey. You are a lucky woman.

I agree with Jake... honest is admirable and this guy seems to be that and much more. What was the first song you all danced too? You have to have a song.

Talaniman: I've definitely been thinking about just facts & trying to get control over my emotions. It can be difficult when you're excited, for sure! And thank you for what you said about how you get intense feelings, too. It makes me feel better hearing that from such a cool, level-headed guy!

Kit: Me & him are so goofy together! With other boyfriends, I was "embarassing" to them, or they wouldn't be excited to show the world they were with me. With him, everywhere we go, it's an adventure, just because we love being together & have a great time doing it. It really is a great feeling.

Jake: Thank you SO MUCH for your comment. Your insight has really eased my mind. From what I have been experiencing with him, I just felt like it wasn't just some random, selfish relationship, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions because I am not in the position to be objective. Thank you for pointing out his wonderful qualities & giving me a sense of relief that there is something great going on between us. Thank you! <3

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I agree with Jake...honest is admirable and this guy seems to be that and much more. What was the first song you all danced too? You have to have a song.

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Lol, well the first song we danced to was... lol... "I Know You Want Me" by Pitbull. Not very romantic, but we like to dance goofy to it in the car with the windows rolled down. :D

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Originally Posted by Torrid13

Lol, well the first song we danced to was...lol..."I Know You Want Me" by Pitbull. Not very romantic, but we like to dance goofy to it in the car with the windows rolled down. :D

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That is so sweet. Gosh Torrid.. I hope this is the one... Sounds like you two fit. The second song my husband and I danced too was "Sleepwalk"... You're too young to remember that song. For dinner play some music by "the man himself, Luther Van Dross" or my guy Rod Stewart.. the old fifties music he redid... "Someone To Watch Over Me'
or if you prefer'If you think I'm Sexy"(just kidding):eek:. Good luck... Can't wait to hear the details of the dinner... :D

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

That is so sweet. Gosh Torrid..I hope this is the one......Sounds like you two fit. The second song my husband and I danced too was "Sleepwalk"...You're too young to remember that song. For dinner play some music by "the man himself, Luther Van Dross" or my guy Rod Stewart..the old fifties music he redid..."Someone To Watch Over Me'
or if you prefer'If you think I'm Sexy"(just kidding):eek:. Good luck...Can't wait to hear the details of the dinner....:D

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I think we fit, too, that's why I don't want to give up on this. I'm myself with him, goofy, giddy, & all... and dangit, he's pretty okay about it. :)

Dinner was lovely, & tasty. I was having a bad day, & when I got a phone call, he briefly left his place, & was gone for 20 minutes. When he got back, he had a bag with gummie bears & cherry Coke... my favorites. Then we rented a movie on demand & cuddled on the couch. It was nice & comforting.

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Originally Posted by Torrid13

I think we fit, too, that's why I don't want to give up on this. I'm myself with him, goofy, giddy, & all...and dangit, he's pretty okay about it. :)

Dinner was lovely, & tasty. I was having a bad day, & when I got a phone call, he briefly left his place, & was gone for 20 minutes. When he got back, he had a bag with gummie bears & cherry Coke...my favorites. Then we rented a movie on demand & cuddled on the couch. It was nice & comforting.

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I'm so happy for you. Gummy bears... cherry coke. Could you ask for anything more?. :D... I'm happy for you... He sounds like a great guy!