Let me begin by giving some background information.
I am married to my best friend of 18 years. We celebrated our five year wedding anniversary this past Valentine's Day. We have a 12 yr old son together. In August 2007, we fought and gained custody of his 14 yr old daughter. We both wanted her to come live with us and was happy that we were able to make it happen.

Within a few days of her moving in, my husband had a accident at work and almost died, he was hit in the front of his head with a tree. He suffered brain damage. He is still able to function but he has trouble remembering things and he is real quick tempered and suffers pains in his head where he was hit. He struggles with confusion. My stepdaughter has put us through hell since moving in with us and 8 months ago she ( at the age of 16) admitted that she was in love with her dad and wanted a sexual relationship with him.

I am trying to summarize to get to point. I struggled with her feelings because she told me in detail how she dreamt about having sex with her dad, how she wanted me out of his life, how she didn't think he loved me, she told me how she thought I wasn't good enough, pretty enough. She had this all planned out to get me out of the house. She didn't care who she hurt. I was real close to her before she moved in and then I have tried and tried with her.

I always knew that my husband didn't look at his child that way. I never had trust issues with him. I didn't trust his daughter, she had tainted every aspect of their relationship. SHe had told me how she liked his body against hers when they hugged or how she thought of him as her man when they would walk around the yard and talk. I mean everything was tainted by her sick feelings.

My husband and I began to argue a lot. He just wanted everything to go away and none of it be real and I just wanted and needed him to understand that I feared what she was going to do. It got to the point that I was so uncomfortable in my own home. I didn't want them alone for the fear that she might come on to him or cause problems afterwards.

Every time I tried to talk to my husband, we would argue and he would think that I was accusing him of wanting something sick with his own child. A month ago, she was out of school and I went to my husband and I just wanted him to see that I was trying and I wanted to make things better. I agreed to leave them at home while I took our son to school. She would be asleep. I woke my husband up before I left and he went to lay on the couch. WHen I arrived home, I was excited to come in and tell my husband that I did okay. I just wanted him to be proud of me but he wasn't in the living room so I went to our room and he wasn't there and I heard moaning and heavy breathing. I looked around the corner and he was laying on her bed and she was on top of him bumping and grinding. I started screaming his name and ran down the hall.

I couldn't believe it. I had to go back down the hall again before they stopped. He was just laying there with his hands behind his head. They both were naked. When she got off him and he got dressed, he didn't have a hard on or anything, he was sweaty. I asked him why and he couldn't tell me. He said he had went in there to wake her up and tell her he was proud of her because he felt she had been trying to change lately and he hugged her and then pulled her shirt off. He said he didn't know why. They both said that he wasn't inside of her so they actually didn't have sex but still. He kept telling me that he did this, that she didn't. I feel as though it was both of them.

I have an inner feeling that she made a move on him and he doesn't want me to know. Im afriad that his brain injury may have caused him to do this. I want my marriage. I know what he done was wrong on every level but who ever he was in that bedroom that morning isn't the man I have known for eighteen years. I have no desire to forgive his daughter and I am just counting the days until she moves out. I do have a desire to forgive my husband though. I know he regrets what he has done and if he had his way he would be killed for his actions.

He has begged me to call the police on them and has tried hisself and I won't let him. I don't think that he derserves that when nothing would be done to her. He feels awful because I still love him and I am still here and want my marriage. He doesn't understand how I could. I really don't know how to explain it other than my heart can't stop loving just because its broken and destroyed and I married for life, for better or worse. How do you forgive the unforgivable?

They need help, both of them, Get that for them, and then forgive, but get them help first ASAP!!

I agree with Tal, they need help immediately.

When she first started saying these things, did you look into finding her counseling? If so, what did the people you contacted say?

My step daughter has been in counseling since a few months after moving in with us. She won't be honest. When she admitted to having these feelings, we got her into therapy once a week for sexually abused kids. We even had to have her committed in November for writing how she wanted to kill all of us cause she couldn't have her dad. She won't be honest in therapy. I wouldn't have struggled so much if I had known she was getting help but I knew she wasn't. I even went to therapy prior to finding them like that, trying to work on my issues with it all and I felt like it wasn't good enough for my husband but her lying was.

Sorry that your husband and daughter are so dysfunctional, but that doesn't mean you have to be also.

Get them some help ASAP, and remove yourself from this situation. They will make you a nervous wreck, if you do not.

You CANNOT deal with their issues on your own, so don't try. You probably need more help than they do, at this point.

You actually are defending him and placing all of the blame on his daughter. Unbelievable!

She's a mere child who has obviously already lived through hell, and when your household should have been a safe haven for her, it turned into a den of lions. I don't care what she did to try to get him in bed, he's the adult and should have never allowed it.

I'm sorry, but I would have called the police and had him arrested. If you think he's that far out of his mind from his injury that he would do something that vile to his daughter, why would you trust him around your son? Boys are molested just as often as girls.

Get out of the situation before it drive you crazy.

I am not placing all the blame on his daughter. It took two to do what was done that morning. I blame her for everything she has done since moving into my home. She isn't a child, she is a young adult. She is 17 now. It doesn't matter what hell she has lived through, she shouldn't have came into my home and tried to destroy my life and family. I had a rough childhood and I have never and would never do the things she has done. I can't forgive her when she doesn't regret anything she has done or anything that happened that morning. I know in my heart that my husband didn't have any thought like that before that moment, I know that he hates himself for what has happened. He doesn't understand or know why he acted the way he did. He said his head hurt really bad and all he wanted to do was tell her he thought she was doing a good job and he was proud of her. He said he hugged her and then he pulled her shirt up. He said that even when she was on top of him, he wasn't excited,horny, he was just there. I have wondered if he pulled up her shirt to see what she would do and when she went with it, he just gave up and lost his mind. I don't know how a parent should feel knowing their own child has these feelings and then to know that they are willing to take it that far. He never wanted to believe that she was telling the truth about having the feelings. None of that excuses what was done. There isn't an excuse. That's not what I am looking for. I am looking for advice about how to forgive and move past this. As for my son, I watch my child very close and would never let anyone hurt him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by confusedbroken13

There isnt an excuse. Thats not what I am looking for. I am looking for advice about how to forgive and move past this.

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Is everyone still in the same house? Are the same problems still going on? Are you still worried about what your step-daughter will do? Are you worried about what your husband might do?

As long as the problems still exist, you won't be able to forgive and move past 'that morning'.

Has your husband had any counseling? You say that you and the step-daughter have, but what about him?

At the very least, this needs to be discussed with his doctors. They may need to determine if the damage extends farther than they first thought. His impulse control seems to be lacking, too.

Has anyone determined what happened to the girl to warp her concept of reality?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Is everyone still in the same house? yes we are all still living under the same roof
Are the same problems still going on? she still has these feelings and she is pissed that we are still together and trying to get through this

Are you still worried about what your step-daughter will do? yes very much so

Are you worried about what your husband might do? i believe that he will not make the same mistake and I beleive that he doesnt look at her like that

As long as the problems still exist, you won't be able to forgive and move past 'that morning'.

Has your husband had any counseling? You say that you and the step-daughter have, but what about him? no..before that morning, he refused to accept what she was saying..he just wanted it all to go away so he could have his family back again and everything be normal

At the very least, this needs to be discussed with his doctors. They may need to determine if the damage extends farther than they first thought. His impulse control seems to be lacking, too.
I think the same thing but I am scared that they will have him locked up and I dont feel as though he deserves that. If you could see the regret in his eyes over what happened and the hatred he has for himself, you would understand why I dont want him arrested.

Has anyone determined what happened to the girl to warp her concept of reality? Therapist have tried and tried but she lies about everything noone knows whats real and whats made up.

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I tried to answer the questions with each question... There is so much that happened prior to that morning and I just don't know how to get it all down... From October to the middle of February, she would sit there and look at her dad in a sexual way and I'd catch her and whenever I told my husband, he wouldn't believe me. Then she finally admitted it in front of him and told him that she couldn't help herself. We told her therapist and she would tell them something different. Through all of this up until that morning happened I have tried to be there for her and be a mother to her and I have told her that I just wanted her to get help not bury this because that wouldn't help her in the long run. I have tried and tried and at every turn I am being hurt and now I feel completely broken.

He knows what he did was wrong. If he really wanted to turn himself in, he would have by now.

Is it the brain injury? Does he steal things in stores? Does he act irrational at all? Was this just an isolated incident?

Or was he intentionally sexually molesting his own child?

I truly feel for you. This must be devastating for you.

She needs counseling, and he needs to be checked out by a specialist.

How do you function in most every way, and then just suddenly have the desire to be with your child naked.

I just wonder how far it would have gone if you didn't walk in on them.

God bless you all.

Is it the brain injury? Does he steal things in stores? Does he act irrational at all? Was this just an isolated incident?

Or was he intentionally sexually molesting his own child?

He doesn't steal but he has acted irrational at different times... confused most of the time... unable to do certain things that he could before... unable to follow conversations at times.. very short tempered... not able to remember saying or doing things...

I believe that what happened that morning was an isolated incident. I have wondered how far things wouldve gotten had I not walked in but I have asked him and he has told me that he didn't know what he was doing and that he is glad that I came in as he puts it "made me realize what was happening and stopping it all together" He has told me that they did not kiss or touching anywhere other than they hugged and he lifted her shirt up and then they were still hugging and they feel over on the bed.. then she undressed herself and he undressed his self and then she straddled him... he swears that she didn't touch him in his privates and he didn't touch hers. That he bumping and grinding on top of him was the only physical contact like that... I know what I saw and I didn't see him inside of her, his arms were behind his head and when she moved off him, his thing wasn't hard...

I am completely devastated and I feel completely destroyed and broken.. I can't believe either one of them could hurt me this much. I am completely in love with my husband and I love her as if she was my own child. I have known her since she was born, I helped take care of her even before my husband and I got together. I have loved her since she was born. My son has no ideal what has happened. He knew his sister claimed these nasty feelins about their dad but that's it. I am worried about if he ever finds out. I don't want him hurt. This would completely destroy him.

I agree they both need counseling that's just sick.

Don't take the sickness of others personally, but do something about it, like commit them both.

Get some help from a professional now, because your silence and inaction makes you an enabler.

Part of the story that is missing here is, what were the circumstances surrounding your husbands daughter moving in with you at age 16. Were you expecting a stable teen, or were there problems you were aware of that you thought you could overcome.

Part of the problem here is that you don't seem to realize that your husband had sex with his daughter. Repeat that. Your husband had sex, with his own daughter. He went into her room, he pulled up her top, he is the adult, she is the child. She was molested, and there are no justifications for that behaviour, and it doesn't matter that he has a brain injury. (by the way, did you discuss this behaviour, even in a general way, to his Doctor, or therapist?)

People will say that low functioning individuals such as those who are 'challenged' in one way or another, didn't know what they were doing, and with such a level of impairment, it it somewhat beleivable that they would pursue sexual urges with another consenting equal. It is a natural human need.

What I'm saying is, there isn't a particular 'awareness' involved.

With your husband, he was aware, and able to discuss (and 'deny'), the sexual attention he was receiving from his daughter. He could process that information, with all the implications, and he knew surely, right from wrong as far as her behaviour went.

What he acted upon, was what he saw, as a green light from her. He took advantage of that, and had sex with her. He didn't take that as a lightbulb moment and realize that he needed to get the hell out of her room, he didn't wait outside until you came home, in fact, he stayed as long as he could.

That green light I speak of is not consent. It is manifesting confused thoughts and feelings from a child, and taking that as 'permission' to rape. He may not have had a hard on when you came in the room, but you can bet your *ss that he did while you were gone.

A child that is that troubled, was, in my opinion, long ago affected deeply, very deeply, by inappropriate sexual contact, most likely as a child, more than not, from a close family member. I won't comment on that further, but experience and familiarity with similar situations, in my opinion, are sadly common, and although I am not accusing your husband, I am saying that she has been victimized more than once.

You are taking on far more than you can deal with. This isn't about forgiving, and justifying your husband having had sex with his child. This is about you thinking that forgiveness will solve the problem. I can assure you that it won't.

I beg you, for the sake of this child, take her immediately to your Doctor or therapist or local CPS, and seek professional assistance, in removing her from your home, to a safe place. She needs to be protected, and you have an obligation, at least morally, to ensure that she gets it. And yes, she needs to be protected from your husband.

Whether you remain with him, and can forgive him for what he has done, is not my call to make, nor can I judge you one way or the other, that is not my place.

What I can say, again, is that the only person that matters right now, is that child.

Please, get her out of there.

I would like to thank everyone who has posted advice... I have decided that I am walking out and notifying the appropriate people to let them handle this... I will not be posting anything else. I am going to take my child and distance us from the fallout of all of this. I am no longer willing to accept responsibililty of my husband or his child. I think it would be best for everyone if we all went our separate ways. He needs to get help. His daughter needs to get help. My son and I need to put distance between us and them and move on with our lives. Whatever the proper people think should br done with my hisband and his child is up to them. I have decided that I will stay long enough for them to place her somewhere and then I am leaving.
As much as I would like to keep my marriage and forget that this has happened, I cant. I feel it is best for me and my child for me to get out of all of this and begin to pick up the pieces of my life and focus on my child and making sure he gets through this. Again, thanks for the advice.

I have been watching this thread and I want to say that I commend you for getting out. You can get out today, it's simple. Call the police/CPS and report what you saw.

I have a gut feeling that what you really needed to hear from us, was confirmation of what you knew you needed to do.

This will be difficult and painful for you, and I hope that when you see your way clear, you will let us know how you are doing.

Best of luck to you.

He knew what he was doing, and that is was wrong. Brain injury or not, he molested his own child.

I'm glad that you are making a change.

It would still be a good idea for you to get into counseling.

God bless you.

Just to let everyone know... my husband has been arrested and my stepdaughter has been placed in a inpatient facility. My son and I are going to start packing and move back home and start the process of rebuilding our lives. I am going to seek professional help for the both of us in our new city. My husband did not hesitate when I told him my plans. He told law enforcement everything. My step daughter became very angry and cussed at me before being taken to the facility. I plan to start the divorce process as soon as we get settled. I still can not believe that any of this has happened and I am completely devastated but I know this was the best thing and I will some how pick the pieces up and move past this. Thanks

I am glad you moved fast, and things happened as they should.

In the long run your stepdaughter will get the help she needs as an inpatient, and you have given her the gift of help. There was nothing else you could have done to ensure she got the help she needed.

As for you and your son, he will realize someday just what you have done to ensure his well being was taken care of, and that he was protected. There was nothing else you could have done for him that you didn't do either.

As for yourself, when the dust starts to settle, and you being to reflect upon what has happened, you have lost so much, and it will be a long road to recovery for you. But on the plus side, you didn't forgive your husband, and continue to live a horror show by him. You are gaining your freedom to start your life over.

I hope we hear from you again. My thoughts are that when he is charged, there will be criminal proceedures and charges to deal with. You may learn far more about your husband than you ever wished to know. Again, you will at least be in a position of strength not being with him, as this is all worked out in court.

Please keep in touch. I know there will be many that will be here for you when the going gets rough.