My boyfriend and I have been together now for 8 1/2 years and we are both 26 years old. However, for the past year I haven't been happy with our relationship and commitment, and we continuously argue.

My boyfriend has just started his career and is very career driven. We started dating when we completed high school and I began working full time whilst he studied full time. We moved in together and I paid all the bills, food, and look after the house while he concentrated on his studies... however, 8 years later and it is still his career that we are focusing on.

He has yet to propose to me, and I am ready to settle down, get married and start a family. I am a very affectionate person, yet he pushes me away when I try to hug and kiss him. He has always been distant affectionately. Never in 8 years has he ever told me he found me pretty or even attractive, only when I have asked him directly.

The problem is that I can't leave. I just can't turn my back on 8 years of a relationship. We have been together since we were teenagers. His family are like my family, we have built a life together. Yet, Im not happy.

Furthermore, of late I have been chatting more and more to another guy. Not in a flirty way, just chatting. But now I am developing feelings for this other guy. Its like he has made me remember what's its like to be happy. He tells me how beautiful I am, he tells me that he thinks I am sweet, and we can talk for hours...

Part of me wants to leave my current boyfriend and start a relationship with this new guy, but I just can't leave my current boyfriend!

I am very confused and don't know what to do. I have spoken to my boyfriend about how I feel, and the commitment I want etc, I even was half way out the door. He tells me he will try harder, he got really upset, begged me not to leave... so I didn't.

Thanks for your help, any response will be greatly appreciated!!

Megan

Tell him your not happy, and why, without accusing, and communicate to resolve conflicts, is how mature committed, couples deal with things before they start getting distracted. That's fair.

Thank you for responding talaniman! We have sat down and had a very serious and mature conversation. I did not accuse him and explained that I understand his career is important and he had my support, yet he needs to understand that I also have ambitions like setlling down and having a family etc.

Unfortunately, his response is that his career is more important right now and we have plenty of time to get married later, he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I suggested seeking couples counselling, but he refuses, and when I mentioned that he never compliments me said he shouldn't have to.

I know he loves me, but I feel he is not 'in' love with me. I'm worried that if I let this go, I will spend another 8 years without fulfilling my ambitions too.

The first thing I am going to say is that you should never leave one relationship for another one. If you leave, make sure it is because you are unhappy and unsatisfied in the current relationship. Give yourself time to heal and get rid of the old baggage before you even think about getting involved with someone else. Jumping straight from one relationship into another one is inviting a rebound situation which is unfair to either one of you.

You have written a lot about what you have given to the relationship. What has he given?

Only you can decide if you have given so much that you have nothing left to give. If you do decide to tell him you are leaving if changes aren't made, then be prepared to leave. Don't give an ultimatum and not carry through. It tells him that it doesn't really matter, you will be there anyway.

Maybe getting your own career, and life you enjoy without him, will give you positive ways to be happy with yourself without cheating.

The less he sees of you, and the more he misses you, and sees you happy may make him stop taking you fro granted, and you feeling like he is taking you for granted.

But I must say, a couple that can't express themselves through honest communications to resolve their issues to the benefit of both, seldom survives.

Never jump from one guy to another and expect to be happy without a proper healing period. That backfires more times than not.

Do you think jumping out of one relationship to another is going to be better? It's a recipe for another disaster!

Learn to like yourself and stop depending on someone else to make you happy. Good Luck

I agree with cat1864. What does he bring to the relationship? How important does your relationship seem to him?

It is true that you have been together for a long time, and share a history. How long have you two been arguing, and how long have you been unhappy? A relationship is about compromises and both parties have to be invested in working on the relationship. If you are the only one who wants it to work, then it won't. It takes both parties to be committed to it.

If he refuses to communicate with you, and does not want to help fix the relationship, then you will remain unhappy. Do you want to spend the next eight years like that?

I noticed that you never once said you wanted to marry him because you love him... only that you were ready to marry and have a family. That's a red flag to me.

If you've been with him for 8+ years and he hasn't proposed, I think chances are slim that it will ever happen.

You are still young with a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like you're not happy and he is wasting your time, then I'd be moving on. Just don't jump directly out of this relationship into another one.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Devorameira

I noticed that you never once said you wanted to marry him because you love him...only that you were ready to marry and have a family. That's a red flag to me.

If you've been with him for 8+ years and he hasn't proposed, I think chances are slim that it will ever happen.

You are still young with a lot of good years ahead of you. If you feel like you're not happy and he is wasting your time, then I'd be moving on. Just don't jump directly out of this relationship into another one.

---

Very good advice from the people here.

Thank you so much for your responses. All of your replies have really helped.

I don't want to step into another relationship. Furthermore, I have spoken to the guy that I developed a friendship with - it never went further than that. And explained that although I really believe he is a lovely person, I am in a relationship and am committed to making it work.

I do love my boyfriend very much, and I want to marry him and have a family with him because of love. I just don't want to keep waiting.

I am going to keep trying. We have talked, now I want to give him some time to think too. I think its fair that now I have expressed my feelings, that he have some time to process it all, and understand too. I am committed to making our relationship work. At the same time, I don't want to let things escalate to a point where I am back to square one.

All of your advice has really helped, and I appreciate it greatly. Thank you once again, I will keep you updated.

Wow, I think you have responded well to your "crisis", and shown a lot of patience, and hope it pays off for you.

Everyone's had solid advice, my only concern is that 8 years is a long time. In 8 years you can really learn about and see what a person is really like in most scenarios. You may have loved him out of the gate of life, at the start of your life post high school. Alas people change, people change a lot in 8 years, is he still the same person at the core that you love?

My biggest worry is that 8 years is a long time and it's only going to become 10 not 6, you can't get back time that's already up. Sometimes you got to cut your losses if you're not happy with your current set up.

Also I agree with kitkat, 8 years is a long, long, long time in my opinion. Have you hinted that you would like him to pop the question? I suppose you could always ask him to marry you. But if he hasn't asked in 4 years there must be a reason and I don't think that he's waiting for you to do it lol.

It does sound like you are handling the situation very well.

Good luck.

Good luck. If you don't see the relationship heading where you want it to go shortly, then you may want to take another look at the advice you've gotten here.

Good luck...