Ask Me Help Desk - Have I blown it before giving it a fighting chance?

Ok... I had previously typed a massive question but then I accidentally hit the back button and lost it all!

So here goes a shorter version... :-)

I started a new job a year ago. In my first week I locked eyes with a work colleague and there was instant chemistry. I'm 25yo now and he's about 29yo.

He pursued me, and I ended up meeting a guy on the weekend of my first week and had a year long relationship with him. That was until last week- when I ended it as I still felt something for my work colleague and could tell he felt something for me too. We would stuff up our words, he'd make my palms sweat, my heart race faster and I would go red in the face... this has never happened to me before.

Now I'm a painfully shy girl, and he is a very confident guy- he's a business analyst so he's very sure of himself. Now I know I did the right thing breaking up with my boyfriend, as I would want a boyfriend to break up with me if he ever felt anything for anyone else.

We talk mainly on sametime (it's like Istant Messenger but for work), and we'd talk about travelling etc and organise after work drinks. I have not gone to the 2-3 work drinks that I said I would (I had a boyfriend!). However, last week there was another work drinks on and I said I'd go... so there were 4 days of knowing that I'd be there. But due to breaking up with my boyfriend, I wasn't in the best frame of mind to go socialise.

My work colleague, let's call him Mr M- has totally turned off. Or tuned out... I'm not sure which (or if both!). It took until Wednesday when I (for a change) sametime'd him to see about something for work (I actually just wanted to see what was going on) and we started to talk about travel. He mentioned wanting to permanently live overseas and marry a local. When he gave his reason to moving overseas he said also that the male-to-female ratio is better for him and also during this conversation- said "even though I'm taken -I have to think about these things".

Now what do I think of this?? Is he really taken? Or have a knocked him back so much that he's protecting his feelings? I plan on asking him (in a round about way) if he has a girlfriend at the next after work drinks (I promise I'll go this time!). If he does have a girlfriend, of course I won't pursue any further. However in the interim- what am I to think? I feel like now I am the one trying to maintain a dialogue, whereas before he used to always try to interact with me. We still talk on sametime now (we are in different department and don't have anything to do with each other in business), but he is not the same bubbly person- he is more short, and direct and then will follow up in the afternoon again with a friendly discussion. What is going on??

Your help is much appreciated x

Hi learning,

Haha I just did the same as you wrote a massive page and then deleted it... so also here is a shorter version.

You must really like this work colleague if you are willing too loose your boyfriend over him.

But hun always remember this quote "NEVER LEAVE THE ONE YOU LOVE FOR THE ONE YOU LIKE, BECAUSE ONE DAY THE ONE YOU LIKE WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THE ONE THEY LOVE"

Some men thrive off their Ego, if this lad thinks you are showing him attention when you have a BF it just makes his ego big!
Remember they always want what they can't have but now you have finished with your BF, he may be thinking he can have you now and he knows that the chase will no longer be there.

This is all a bit rich coming from me (read my post) but I no its harder said then done babe,

Leave him to be and do not sign on the MSN talk, if he is truly intrested he will come to you.

Good Luck :rolleyes:

luvybugy1988 pretty much said it all.

It's possible that he's had a girlfirend all along and was just looking for some action on the side.

Maybe you scared him off when he heard you broke up with your boyfriend because he didn't really want to form a romantic relationship.

It's really hard to say, but whatever the reason for his behavior, I would just concentrate on healing from your breakup and forget him.

Quote:

when I ended it as I still felt something for my work colleague and could tell he felt something for me too.

I will applaud you for ending it to pursue other options, but you may have been all a fluster, and attracted to this colleague, but he was not, and now you find he was attached.

You have misread his feelings, and intentions for whatever reason, and must accept your mistake, and leave an attached guy who is leaving the country. That means leave him alone.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

That means leave him alone. Clearly he is not that into you, sorry.

When he said, "even though I'm taken -I have to think about these things", could this have meant he's 'taken' or infatuated with you, and he doesn't realize that you no longer have a boyfriend?

As in, "I'm taken by that hunk in the security office", really meaning having feelings for that person.

I think you may be making too many assumptions, without enough fact to base them on.

I would go for the drinks thing, and see if he doesn't loosen up a bit after a few beer. You cold innocently ask him if he's still with his girlfriend (a little fib), and when he says he isn't involved anymore, then you can say, "well, I know how you feel, I broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago".

I think you have to try, and push the envelope a little bit here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by learning94f

He mentioned wanting to permanently live overseas and marry a local. When he gave his reason to moving overseas he said also that the male-to-female ratio is better for him and also during the course of this conversation- said "even though I'm taken -I have to think about these things".

If you don't mind my asking, could I get a bit more background information? What country do you reside in and where is he thinking about moving that the male-female ratio would 'be better for him'? Are cultural or religious factors major aspects of what he is looking for in this 'fantasy move'?

Something to think about is how close to reality is his desire to move 'overseas'. Is it a fantasy or is it something he is actively working on? If he is actively working on it, then I think you may want to re-examine getting involved with him as anything other than a friend even if he isn't involved in a current romantic relationship.

Men are not that complicated, we are big dumb animals. I agree with Jake2008. I know what he is thinking, you both like each other, you got a boyfriend, he pursued forever, and now he is tired and is thinking there is nothing there. The whole "move to another country where the ratio is better", that is just a man's dream for one but also a cry out to you! Like I said, we are just big dumb animals. If you feel the way you described then just come out with it otherwise you'll never know

Thanks everyone. Sound advice to think about. I live in Australia, and he was talking about moving to Canada. And I AM assuming too much without much fact, so we'll see what happens at the after work drinks when I can suss out if he has a girlfriend or not. I guess my fantasy is that he is "taken" by me (thanks Jake2008), and Cat1864- I don't know if he is actively planning to move overseas so I'll need to find out as you're right- I wouldn't want to start anything with someone who is going to leave the country anyway! :-) I can only try can't I, otherwise I'll never know! There is the chance LuvBugy- that he is a player or has a girlfriend, which if he does- of course I wouldn't go there. It wouldn't reflect well on his character and I'm not up for that. And there is the chance that I have made a mistake with breaking up with my boyfriend, but that's life I guess, it's one big learning curve. Thank you all, I'll post the outcome in a week (if there ever is one!) :-)

Ok the update is the after work drinks was cancelled. By me. But now almost 4 weeks on, he asked me out for a coffee! And he asked to meet up again! Very happy :-) Thanks all so much for your advice!