Doctor in trouble! : Does she, doesn't she?
Hi Everybody,
I have this feeling that I'm so hopelessly stuck. I want to move on, but I don't know if it's the best thing to do.
Here's my story...
I have been with this girl for close to 4 years now.. We always felt that we brought out the best in each other and complemented each other really well. Things have gone from bad to worse in the last 1 year or so. And have been extremely miserable for about 6 months for now. It's been a Long Distance Relationship for the last 2 years and I was supposed to join her sooner, but I was stuck with a lot of family related issues, confusion about my career and haven't been able to complete my exams and be with her as originally planned (I'm done with Med school and preparing for exams which enable me to get into a residency/post graduation training).
Some family events and inability to a get move on with my career really took a big toll on me around Dec last year and I was depressed and suicidal back then. I sought help, and things have improved. All was well till I mentioned this to her. The moment I told her(mid Dec) that I had felt suicidal at one point, she acted crazy- silent crazy. I mean she always was the one who discussed about every minor daily happening and also she has always been a very caring person. She totally deserted me after that phone call. I mean she started behaving like she was an outsider. I got pissed off and sent her an abusive mail and told her that we should break up. (she had been talking about her needing a break for about 1 month then; she was very confused with us staying so far and that she wanted to come back and stay with her parents). I got into some meditation, spirituality and felt much better and apologized to her for being such a wreck. Things seemed all right but she wasn't her usual open self. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she felt she was probably the reason why I was feeling pressurized(me settling down in my career and convincing her well off family about our marriage) and she didn't want me to feel so and hence she was backing off to ease the pressure off me (She told me this in late Jan when things got really worse).
I shouted at her a few times, and later realized that my depression was making me angry(Btw, recently read in a Psychiatry Journal that Depression causes women to be sad and withdrawn and it makes men aggressive, abusive and hence is under diagnosed in men) and later apologized to her and she seemed to have accepted my apology. In Feb, she said the LDR was getting difficult for her and lots of other confusing things. And she said she wanted a break ( Even before my episode of depression she said a few times that she needed a break and then again she said she was alright). And I said if that is what you want so be it. And in a few days she would say things like she missed me and she loved me. This ping pong happened a few times. I got violent once and said that I can't handle this non sense any more. We barely spoke, she had her exams. I was preparing for mine. The whole of March, April we barely spoke. And initially it felt great because I was coming to grips with life and I was really glad that I had one less problem to deal with! And around mid April judging by her impassivity I realized that she was enjoying the break more than I had imagined (she was always somebody who had to talk to me else she wouldn't fall asleep and stuff like that). And I had decided that the signs were obvious and I was blind not to see them. So I decided to start NC and deleted her no. and from my social networking id. She called around the end of April(cos she knew I was coming to her country in early May for my education. I mean, I'm out of med school and it is a long process to get into a residency/post graduation training for foreign grads. I'm in that process). And also she was graduating in the 1st week of May (masters). When I had decided on NC I made peace with myself about wishing/ not wishing on her graduation by sending her an e card which would reach her on the day of her graduation. When she called I was in a dilemma and somehow broke NC and she spoke so normally as if nothing had happened and it was just the exams which kept her busy. I was angry but it felt good talking to her. Spoke to her the next time she called and later on sent her an email saying what she was doing was unacceptable. I mean now that she was close to getting done with her exams and had "free" time she wanted to talk to me. And I wasn't going to tolerate it because my prep just started taking off and I have to be really focused in this crucial phase of my career. So I blasted her in my e mail even telling her about NC (which probably was a mistake).
I expected her to call me when I reached the country where she is (she knew how to reach me). But apparently she was busy making arrangements for her family who had flown in for her graduation. I didn't call to congratulate her, but called over the weekend to talk to her sis and brother in law (who are my buddies from med school). Left her a voice mail and I never got a call as long as they were here. I called before they left and left a voice mail again. Apparently they already left by the time I called(just got to know that she didn't tell them that I had called) . I called her again the night they left and told her we needed to talk. She said she was extremely tired of the non stop traveling for 10 days and that she'd call me soon. And when we spoke she was just like nothing had happened and even asked about my family and if I had bought a dress for my sis(which she had asked me to). So I was totally taken aback by that. And honestly, I really don't know if she has some issues as well which she didn't tell me because she thought I couldn't handle them. And I called her two more times( leaving voice mails) after that. She called back once only to hang up quickly stating some reason.
I just don't know what to do. It was not long before when we used to share practically everything under the sun and now she acts impassive, but sounds like she is the same person (don't know if it is an act). In my umpteen mails to which she never replies (tells me she finds it easier to talk than type) I clearly mentioned that if she wanted to move on all she had to do was tell me. She knows I'm not the person who is going to bother her for my selfish reasons. If she doesn't want me I don't mind moving on. It will be difficult, but I'll move on. Hanging on or being a sadist is not my style. But she never tells me about it. Which is the only reason I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. But I have no idea why she can't call me or at least express things to me.
It feels insane. Every time I tell myself, that something is not right and I will only end up hurting myself, the longer I cling on to this. But however small the possibility may be, I just consider the fact that she might be having some issue which she hasn't communicated and which is causing the trouble. I feel great when I'm with her but I can move on as well because after my suicidal thoughts last year I know that staying alive is the single most important thing for me, everything else is secondary. The thing is that without the clarity about my relationship with her I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on my exams and career, I've already got a little break which isn't good for me, but God this is killing me. I don't know what I've landed myself into. I wish the person I care so much about(used to, don't any longer; I mean I'm neutral) talks and clears this mess out. After coming to this country I've expressed my displeasure in an e mail and later I spoke to her in an angry and irritated tone when I told her that we needed to talk. I wonder if she thinks that if she starts talking I'll get more angry and violent and if it is best for her to move on with whatever scheme she has in mind without uttering a word.
I know it's an extremely long story. Sorry folks, but I had to get it out. And for those of you who've had the patience to go through my I really appreciate your patience and concern. Guys, please just let me know what I am supposed to feel right now and how do I get a grip over my life?
I am going to the lib everyday and studying. I am not totally hopeless. It is this plus the fact that I am not really sure about my career. Right now my family is in a rut and badly in need of financial stability and only going ahead with my medical profession will give us that. I don't have it in my heart. I will do it for a few years and take it from there. I want to be a writer. Guess I was a late bloomer and didn't know what I really wanted to do till I went through the torture called med school. I can do it, but it is not in my heart. I can deal with this career trouble. Please give me your valuable opinion regarding my relationship trouble.
