Ask Me Help Desk - My husband cheated and tells me to get over it

It was with his brothers girlfriend who live a block away. I never knew... he told me Christmas morning and I proceeded to tell his brother by email. The brother phoned my husband who told you it was true... many many times over the past year. She, alone came over to talk to my husband so he would tell his brother that it was a lie but as she walked into our home she violiently attack me... she broke my finger and I had severe tissue damage in my neck. He stood and watched. Did nothing to help me when I pleaded with him too. She was charged with assault but June 8th she has Diversion Court which means she will get off due to my husband giving saying I was the aggresser. What do I do? I have a 13 yr old boy starting high school here and doesn't want to move. We have just over the last year totalled renovated our home. He says it is over but his word means nothing to me... I am sooo hurt please advise.
This was in my home, my bed, on my furniture everywhere. She used all the toiletries and my bathrobe after they showered together. They would apparently phone their respective partners cell phones when we left and make sure we were out of town.

I would get proof and take him to court if it was me. With a child you should be able to stay at that house and he move out since he was the one who cheated.

I don't know if it was the best move, after your husband told you of his affair, to turn around and tell your brother in law that it was with his girlfriend.

Maybe in the heat of the moment you needed to lash out, and in retrospect, you may have done things differently.

You say she came in and attacked you, and your husband told the court that you were the aggressor, which I take it to mean, you took the first swing, and she retaliated? I'm wondering why you weren't charged with that kind of 'helpful' testimony. If she is in a diversion program, what is it- anger management, community service?

There are a lot of details to know what led up to this, and what has gone on since.

You are still in the marital home with your husband I take it, and you are raising a 13 year old son together.

Why would you think that your husband is a good role model, and I wonder how much violence and angry exchanges he has seen and heard. If the two of you can't control yourselves, he will learn that anger is a good way to solve problems. Especially when they are not resolved by acting responsibly.

It is just my opinion here, but I would think that you must have been suspicious of your husband before he told you. Did you ever approach the topic with him in a calm way?

You make yourself out to be a victim here, and while I don't condone violence of any type, I have a hard time believing that you didn't fight back when you were attacked. I presume in the police report there were notes of your injuries. Did you see a Doctor or have you considered recovering medical costs from her, as she was found guilty of assault I take it. The diversion program I take it, is a sentence imposed to punish the offender, when the offender is unlikely to re-offend, or it is seen as uncharacteristic of her normal behaviour.

If you believe that your husband should have come between two women fighting over him, I suppose if one were to pick, he should have pulled her off you, but its rather a moot point now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak.

I don't know why you would stay in that environment with your son. Is your husband still seeing her? Did she break up with your brother in law? What are you and your husband doing to try to repair the marriage, or are things just not talked about.

All I can tell you is I would have left the minute I learned what he had done. Christmas day or not, I would have packed up, and taken my son, and left.

That you chose to stay and put yourself in this position, and from what I gather, you are still in this position, of living with a man that cheated on you, and allowed his girlfriend into the house and all hell broke loose, well, I just don't see any reason good enough to stay.

Throw him out! Take him to court and get everything you can.
No woman should be attacked in her home by her husbands latest squeeze. He isn't worth fighting over.

Consider your son and what it will do to him if you stay with this man.
Good Luck

Let your lawyer and a judge do the fighting now, but take a video of all the possessions and leave. Give your lawyer a copy, keep one for yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Let your lawyer and a judge do the fighting now, but take a video of all the possessions and leave. Give your lawyer a copy, keep one for yourself.

I couldn't have said it better Tal and I mean that!

Yes, hire the attorney, and file for divorce, there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, hire the attorney, and file for divorce, there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.

I wish I had said that. Very sage advice as usual.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't know if it was the best move, after your husband told you of his affair, to turn around and tell your brother in law that it was with his girlfriend.

Maybe in the heat of the moment you needed to lash out, and in retrospect, you may have done things differently.

You say she came in and attacked you, and your husband told the court that you were the aggressor, which I take it to mean, you took the first swing, and she retaliated? I'm wondering why you weren't charged with that kind of 'helpful' testimony. If she is in a diversion program, what is it- anger management, community service?

There are a lot of details to know what led up to this, and what has gone on since.

You are still in the marital home with your husband I take it, and you are raising a 13 year old son together.

Why would you think that your husband is a good role model, and I wonder how much violence and angry exchanges he has seen and heard. If the two of you can't control yourselves, he will learn that anger is a good way to solve problems. Especially when they are not resolved by acting responsibly.

It is just my opinion here, but I would think that you must have been suspicious of your husband before he told you. Did you ever approach the topic with him in a calm way?

You make yourself out to be a victim here, and while I don't condone violence of any type, I have a hard time believing that you didn't fight back when you were attacked. I presume in the police report there were notes of your injuries. Did you see a Doctor or have you considered recovering medical costs from her, as she was found guilty of assault I take it. The diversion program I take it, is a sentence imposed to punish the offender, when the offender is unlikely to re-offend, or it is seen as uncharacteristic of her normal behaviour.

If you believe that your husband should have come between two women fighting over him, I suppose if one were to pick, he should have pulled her off you, but its rather a moot point now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak.

I don't know why you would stay in that environment with your son. Is your husband still seeing her? Did she break up with your brother in law? What are you and your husband doing to try to repair the marriage, or are things just not talked about.

All I can tell you is I would have left the minute I learned what he had done. Christmas day or not, I would have packed up, and taken my son, and left.

That you chose to stay and put yourself in this position, and from what I gather, you are still in this position, of living with a man that cheated on you, and allowed his girlfriend into the house and all hell broke loose, well, I just don't see any reason good enough to stay.

Thanks for your responses... yes I was very suspicious of him seeing someone and guess who I confided in... the very one whom he was having the affair with. The both of them must have had a good laugh.

Christmas morning I answered the door to tell her she is not welcome here anymore. I am very quiet, smaller and ten years than her. She threw the door open and immediately grapped my hair and neck, threw to the ground banging my head on the floor, kicking me with her boots, swearing and spitting in my face. I begged my husband to help me but he didn't. I realize now that it was them that had the relationship not him and I.
The arresting officier said she had no injuries and actually bragged that I didn't even get her once.
But my husband went to the police station (unbeknown to me) to testify against me for her.
I mean I know I need to leave but I feel I was so ultimately betrayed between those two for over a year he should leave and not us. All my and my sons belongings are here and my son would have to start over again in another school would be another slap in the face.
All that is going to happen is she is going to move into my home and take over.
And yes I told his brother that they were having an affair for the past year which was backed up by my husband. I would want to know, I wish I did know much sooner. I feel like such a fool... I talked to her about him not wanting anything to do with me especially in bed...

This went on for a year- no wonder you are so upset. I can only imagine the betrayal you must feel- from both of them.

Maybe you are still in that fog of disbelief right now. The brain has a way of not allowing you to absorb everything at once when it feels trauma and extreme emotion. There is so much that has gone on that you now realize, and so much more you will realize as time goes on as well. Whether you like it or not, the process of working through all the thoughts and emotions will come. But, it will take time.

I am hoping that you see how sad this situation is for your son to be in the middle of an inferno, and being helpless to stop it- or understand it. He is learning the hard way too, that his father had/has an affair with his uncle's girlfriend. He is not old enough, or experienced enough to understand this, it is a betrayal to him as well, as he likely realizes that his father has destroyed the relationship. Not to mention that he too is likely having very mixed feelings about this is how mature people handle themselves?

He is also in the position to not want to add to everyone's misery, and will keep things to himself, likely hoping that the problem will just go away, and things will get back to normal. To bottle up these types of emotions is asking for trouble down the road.

At the moment what keeps you there is the fact that this is 'home', no matter what has gone on. I am hoping that you realize that things will never be the same, and it is time to move on. Not only for your sake, but for the sake of your son as well.

I don't know if you have indicated that your husband is wanting to save his marriage, or if he has given up his girlfriend. It seems to me that an affair that has gone on for a year doesn't bode well for reconcilliation between the two of you. Doing what he did to you, and not offering to change to save his marriage and his family is likely the case, but I could be wrong.

As to the altercation between you and his girlfriend. He may not have gotten in there physically because he was afraid to be charged with assault himself. Not to mention that his loyalty to her, was only equal to his loyalty to you, and he wanted no part of it.

Try to keep thinking that what you need to consider is the well being of your son. I am hoping that the more things that come to light and that you process, will lead you to conclude that you must move on, and make a healthier, happier life somewhere else.

Also, please consider seeking therapy for yourself. Having another person to just speak to your experiences, and help and guide you through coping with all that has gone on, will build your confidence and self esteem. Not to mention, you will be thinking clearly, and be able to set goals.

Ultimately it is you who has to decide what to do.

Have you thought about moving on?

You are a much better woman than I am... I would pull his hair out and stuff it down his throat.

Take my advice.. no man is worth fighting over. Just makes them feel like a "stud" and they get a jolt of adrenaline thinking of two woman fighting over them.

Instead take every cent you can get and see if Miss Hot Pants wants to live with a man who has to pay child support, alimony and house payments.

Honestly.. you need to rejoice you are rid of him. I can believe almost anything I read on here, but I get angry when I see something like this.

Get an excellent Lawyer! Good luck and every time you look at him see him for the phony, cheating snake he is.

As for the woman... I have no use for anyone who breaks up a marriage. If they do it once.. they'll do it again... Good riddance to both of them

They should be together that would be their punishment.

Wonder how his brother feels??

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Wonder how his brother feels???

That's a good question... I think he is probably feeling as betrayed as anyone could. It's a double whammy when it's his brother who cheated with his tramp wife. I would bet anything that "hot pants" has done this before with who knows who and probably more of the males in the family. I think she should have a scarlet letter embedded in her hiney.:eek:

You've gotten some great advice here and I agree with everyone. Bottom line is you need to get away from this animal and the cow he's been cheating with.

It's like a Jerry Springer Episode :eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by friend4u178

You've gotten some great advice here and i agree with everyone. Bottom line is you need to get away from this animal and the cow he's been cheating with.

It's like a Jerry Springer Episode :eek:

Yes.. get away from him and leave him with the moo. They deserve each other.:)

I don't have much to add, every thing that needs to be said has been said.

If I were you I would change the locks and have his crap on the front step in garbage bags. Tell him to go to his girlfriends house. If he starts acting a fool on your door step, which it kind of sounds like he would, call the police. You need to think of your son now, this is a toxic environment and no child should have to live through that.

I am in total shock that he stood by and watched another woman hurt his WIFE and MOTHER of his child. And than to turn on you and go to the police station with out you knowing? Wow, brings a new low to the low.

I wish you the best, and I hope you keep us posted with your decisions.

Please keep us posted.

Thank you so much for your help Jake... I do need to move on and you are correct things are coming to light that were there all along and I just didn't even fantom to piece it together before ( His brother punched his girlfriend in the face apparently when he realized it was true and she then went to a women's shelter and told them I did it... I wish!. this is why he went to the police and told them I was the aggresser so his brother wouldn't go to jail. She also was at the police station with him and had a summons wrote up for an assault change against me which my husband said he witnessed. I was served the same day as the court date... it was dismissed... thank god). He isn't the father of my son and he thinks the guy is a complete idiot and we sit. We have quiet talks alone and he is okay with leaving this place as long as he will be going to the same high school as his friends. He knows he can tell/ask me anything at any time and he does. He does go with his dad every weekend to Tobermory if he wants and they go snowmobiling, snowboarding, swimming, fixing old cars and talk as well so I hope he is okay.
I'm just not sure how to move on now when I am so emotionally and physically drained. I, of course want for him to fall on the ground and beg me to stay, say he loves me and apolize over and over but he isn't which really really hurts to the deepest core. So I thank you very much Jake for responding and just having me write this out feels a little better.

Thank you everyone for your responses it does help knowing someone is listening. I know it sounds like a Jerry Springer show and I'm not sure I would believe it all myself but I am living it and so wish I wasn't true. So hard emotionally to get a handle on it... just when I think I do I totally lose it all over again. So thank you for listening.