Ask Me Help Desk - Wife won't admit affair

Wife won't admit affair

We have been married for 30 years. Years ago I suspected my wife was having an affair with one of our, her friends. There were some pretty sure signs that this was happening. We had a rough time at marriage back then and we didn't always get along together. She has always denied that anything happened. Now years later I still think of this from time to time and sometimes it drives me nuts. Other times I can brush the thoughts of it away. Now, after it has been so long ago, if I bring this up she gets pretty angry with me. So I try not to say anything about it anymore. But this is difficult to keep all to myself. I am sure that her family members (sisters, brother, father and mother know about this) should I ask any of them? My other option is to keep trying to forget this ever happened. We are generally very happy together now. She says she loves me very much. And I love her very much. It is a good marriage now. Should I forget about this after all it was like 25 years ago. Still sometimes I wake up in the night and it burning in my mind. If anyone wants to know about the pretty sure signs that make me think this happened, just say so and I'll add more.

I would forget about it, after 25 years, why do you think it is still between you and unlikely that an affair every happened. No, I don't want to know the 'sure signs' that you think an affair happened. Putting them down here will renew your persistence. Let bygones be bygones.

Tick

I think you might want to see about getting some counseling if you can't let go of the past on your own. It might also help you determine why you seem to want to hold on to a negative thought from so long ago.

You seem to be stuck in the thought that 'something' happened back then. What if you changed those thoughts from accusing to believing in her?

I sincerely hope you make it to fifty years.

If she didn't love you she wouldn't be with you after all these years! Trust her... Let it go!
Good Luck.

I'm not sure what would be resolved. If you are right, what happens next. Can you settle for just knowing the truth, or are you going to be resentful that it took her 25 years to come clean.

If you are wrong, you have stewed about something that didn't happen. Would that settle things, and then you would forget about it?

I'm not so sure that you are necessarily wrong in wanting the truth, no matter how much time has passed.

My point is, either way, she did or she didn't.

History has pretty much buried the evidence, and you've gone on and past that time to where you are now, which is very happy as you said.

I would think that if you were wanting to hear that she did have an affair to affirm your suspicions, it would be lunchbag letdown, because it wouldn't change a thing anyway.

If the marriage is fine now, and she has ALWAYS DENIED having an affair, then you should let it go.

The statute of limitations has run out on this "offense". Drop all the "charges". She was a suspect, and now has been cleared by a jury of strangers, here( at least me).

The mere fact that things are better, and life is good, is proof enough as to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I understand the very thought makes you sick, but what if you are just imagining this?

I agree with the counseling. What is it going to hurt to try it?

Good luck, and go enjoy your life.

You are going to continue to be miserable as you have for twenty-five years if you do not let this go.
Try having a little consideration for how she feels when you keep bringing this up over and over.

Let it go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by srvnet

If anyone wants to know about the pretty sure signs that make me think this happened, just say so and I'll add more.

I am curious, tell me.

Why'd you let this go for so long?

WOW, let it go:) Even if she did have an affair, people make mistakes when they are not thinking straight and some times even when they are. She choose you! Life is too short.

If you can't get over it and keep accusing her, your marriage might suffer. It can't be taken back, either you can live with it or you can't, it's your decision. I agree with counseling, but by yourself.

Quote:

Now, after it has been so long ago, if I bring this up she gets pretty angry with me.

This is the part of your post that stood out to me.

If was being constantly accused of something that I didn't do, I'd get angry too, especially if I had to go through 25 years of it.

Let it go. You asked, she answered, either believe her and move forward, or continue to drive yourself mad about it and risk losing her because you won't trust her.

Counseling is a good idea. I'm betting this is all in your head and you need help getting it out and living your life with a woman that obviously loves you.

Don't bring it up again. She's already denied it. Besides, she may be telling you the truth - maybe nothing really did happen.

She loves you and she's still with you, so if you can't handle the thoughts of something that may or may not have happened years ago, I would suggest that you talk to a health care professional about it.

I think you should have let this go when she first denied it, and never bring it up again. Sure you get some feelings every now and then, but for gosh sakes, NEVER act on them. You should know that after 25 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you should have let this go when she first denied it, and never bring it up again. Sure you get some feelings every now and then, but for gosh sakes, NEVER act on them. You should know that after 25 years.

You keep on and on about this so called "affair" or whatever it was. SHE WAS NOT WITH YOU! How many women did you sleep with before you met her? Tell her and when you start throwing things in her face about her past, I would bet my socks she'll start throwing back. Keep it up man and you will lose her. She is probably miserable right now, because she loves you , but you can't let go of the past. Open your eyes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

You keep on and on about this so called "affair" or whatever it was. SHE WAS NOT WITH YOU! How many women did you sleep with before you met her? Tell her and when you start throwing things in her face about her past, I would bet my socks she'll start throwing back. Keep it up man and you will lose her. She is probably miserable right now, because she loves you , but you can't let go of the past. Open your eyes.

Hi Kitkat. The OP has not been back on in a while to give us any feedback. Where do you get the impression that the OP's wife was not with him when she had the affair? That was never mentioned, OP said, 'years ago'. I think the whole basis of his post was because he thinks she had the affair while married.

We don't have to re-iterate any of this. I think you got your point across in your first first regarding this situation.

Tick

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

Hi Kitkat. The OP has not been back on in a while to give us any feedback. Where do you get the impression that the OP's wife was not with him when she had the affair? That was never mentioned, OP said, 'years ago'. I think the whole basis of his post was because he thinks she had the affair while married.

We dont have to re-iterate any of this. I think you got your point across in your first first regarding this situation.

tick

I think you're right... He didn't say they weren't together did he? Okay... Thanks tickle. No more respnces until he responds.

OK everyone. I will take your advice. Any questions I will try to answer. Thank-you all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by srvnet

OK everyone. I will take your advice. Any questions I will try to answer. Thank-you all.

Were you two married or dating when your wife had this affair?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

I think you're right...He didn't say they weren't together did he? Okay ...Thanks tickle. No more respnces until he responds.

Yes, kitty, think that is a good idea... :D

Kit, he says in the question that they were married, but going through a rough patch. Married 30 years. Rough patch 25 years ago.

srvnet, good luck. If you haven't had any other reasons to distrust her in the 25 years since, then it sounds like you have a good marriage going now. Trust your wife and yourself. Don't expect the negative thoughts to go away immediately. You will have to train yourself to redirect those thoughts into positive ones. If you have stayed together this long, then I think you are strong enough to make your marriage even better.

Once again, good luck and best wishes.:)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Kit, he says in the question that they were married, but going through a rough patch. Married 30 years. Rough patch 25 years ago.

srvnet, good luck. If you haven't had any other reasons to distrust her in the 25 years since, then it sounds like you have a good marriage going now. Trust your wife and yourself. Don't expect the negative thoughts to go away immediately. You will have to train yourself to redirect those thoughts into positive ones. If you have stayed together this long, then I think you are strong enough to make your marriage even better.

Once again, good luck and best wishes.:)

Thanks Cat... I didn't really understand till I read the posts again. :)Thanks:)

srvnet I wish both of you the best.