Ask Me Help Desk - Give me some advice

I have been married to my husband. We have two children from this marriage. I met my husband shortly when I learned that I was pregnant which he was aware and did not mind. My daughter's biological father walked out on me when he learned about the pregnancy. His current whereabouts are unknown. When I gave birth to my daughter, she took his last name and has been raising her as his daughter.

There are times that I feel guilty keeping this secret from my family, his family, friends and everyone. My husband does not want me to tell my daughter and does not want everyone to know the secret.

Do I honor his request and keeps this a secret. Please give me some advice.

Why not?

What difference does it make?

If he is happy being her dad, then let it be.

I am one of the most straight up, tell it like it is people I know but there are times when I advocate not telling the truth. Most often its to single parents about the other missing parent. To one single mother who was soooooo bitter about him, I suggested she lie and say to her child his daddy died in the war, make up a few stories about him and tell them repeatedly to the child as atonement for having made such poor choices. It may even help her with the bitterness, wow. I know I may take some flak for that but I have seen too much to not know. There is no greater burden to place on a child but the knowledge that the missing parent is a bum and if you could see the damage it does you would know that lies like that aren't lies, they are acts of great compassion.

My suggestion is to probably find peace in honoring your husbands request. This is a little hard for me to say... against my nature.

My wife was single when she had our daughter. The father was a part of her life only briefly. My wife wasn't aware that the father was a wanted mercenary in south america. Scarey stuff. I came along much later. Our daughter knew her father was absent... and even though she had a wonderful father figure in her grandfather, and later in me, it was always a burden.

Now... again... I really, really think knowing reality is usually best. But here... I'm not sure what you gain versus what you lose. I know it is a burden you bear, and maybe that's what you would lose... but your husband has stepped in and shared it. There are men who write in here, talking about gf's who are pregnant with another mans child and they can't handle it.

I have raised out daughter as my own. I can see his side. I see yours.

I guess my advice is to do your best to simply be at peace with the situation. Your husband loves you and his child. I think that's enough.

Is the father listed on the birth certificate his name?

I'd keep it on a strictly "need to know" basis. As long as there is not a pragmatic need for anyone to know, then yes, I'd honor your husband's request in this matter.

Honesty, is the best policy. If it bothered you enough to post this question, then you need to examine why within your own consciousness. If your child asks you oneday, may you be able to find comfort in telling her what is in your heart for her to know. Please remember, lies beget lies. While truth defines the soul.

Also, no one else really matters. Its your, your husband's and child's business. And no one else's.

I tend to be the sort of person who trusts the "great cosmic play" in life. If intentions were honorable in keeping the secret, then the arrival of any circumstances (like some extreme medical situations) making it so the secret can no longer be kept is something like the "sacred nudge" saying "okay, NOW is the time to tell". And fearing telling the truth at the moment ought not be a concern. No grown child will resent a parent who attempted to spare them some unnecessary hurt and if they did, well, then they don't understand some forms of love. If not telling were to cause any direct harm, then by all means tell but telling for truth's sake alone is not enough in this one for me. Once told it cannot be untold.

My inclination is to honor his request. But there is another factor that needs to be considered. That is the factor of medical history. At some point in time she may find out the truth. Maybe she needs a blood transfusion or a kidney. At that point she might found out he couldn't be her biological father. What about when it comes time for her to have kids. She may need to know her family history to prevent genetic problems. I would sit down with your husband and explain this to him. Explain that you understand his viewpoint, but if your daughter finds out that this secret was kept from her, it may cause resentment later on. I would then leave it up to him to tell her. EVen if you do tell her, there is NO reason other familiy members need to know.

First I would need to know how old this child is. I can only tell you of the hurt and pain my cousin had to go through when he found out he was the only family member not to know of his adoption. It goes that when children come by this knowledge they will have a resentment to not being informed especially if everyone else knows. You and your husband must communicate now while this child is young and make plans how this subject is to be approached when the time comes. I understand his feelings as well as yours. This is not an easy thing to undertake, but if another in the family knows, so should your child.

I can actually speak from experience on this one.

I consider myself to have 4 dads...

My mom left her 1st husband and while separating from him she got pregnant by someone else... thus I was conceived. My biological father left my mom for someone else before I was born. My mother moved on and gave birth to me, however she was still 'legally married' to her 1st husband so my birth certificate has his name. She met her 2nd husband shortly after my birth and they got married when I was 3 or 4. He took me in as his child and I grew up not understanding how my brother and I had different Daddy's. Well my moms 2nd husband died when I was 5... and when I was 6 she started dating her now-BF of 18 years. I have taken him as my 'dad' but its hard to sometimes explain to people how I have 4 different dads... My birth certificate dad, my biological dad, my adopted dad, and then daddy.. hah.

I grew up confused on who was my 'father' but when I was 12 my mom finally had a sit down with me and explained that neither of her husbands had been my dad... that my dad was still alive somewhere in Michigan, but he was most likely remarried and supposed has a son.

It did not hurt so bad finding out about who my real dad was... but it did hurt to find out I had been lied to.. I had decided in my own mind that my real dad was dead... and I would look at his pictures and cry and I wished I could remember him better... only to find out he wasn't my dad after all...

My thoughts for you is that it is going to be very hard on your daughter to learn this new information... she has been raised believing that one man is her dad... she has never questioned it... if you tell her she may feel betrayed and estranged from her siblings and the whole family.
On the other hand... realizing that she may learn from a medical emergency... or if her real father is on the birth certificate... well that will come up at an inopportune time.. I think if you feel she should know the truth then you need to be prepared to have a stressful month or so... maybe even look into getting her counseling so that she has someone to go to and express her feelings.. someone who she can trust. She may see you as a liar, and be angry with you, but with patience and encouragement form you and your husband she should be able to come around and realize you were not trying to hide anything... that you just didn't know how to bring it up.

How old is she? I think it wold be best if she is younger than 12... its easier to deal with when you are still in an imaginary world. I think once a child hits the teen years they have so much other stress of 'seeing the world', and they start trying to figure themselves out... it will put more strain and confusion trying to put it all together plus having to think about not knowing who that 'other half' of her is.

Also, if you go through with telling her, prepare for her to ask questions about him... and possibly even wanting to find him. I asked a lot, and I talked about finding him... my mom was very open to it and she even attempted to do so herself... neither of us has been dedicated or successful. Everyone reacts differently.

I understand your husbands concern with not wanting her to know... he thinks of her as his and doesn't want her to go through that pain... but what if something comes up and she finds out in a worse way?

Either way... you and your husband can make the best decision for your family. I wish you the best of luck!

Another note... as fas as other family and friends... they don't always need to be in the know...

A lot of my family still don't know about who my real dad is. In fact... my 'dad' (moms BF of 18 years) didn't even know... but I brought it up 2 years ago... and well it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought. He raised me, he's my dad, he knows it, I know it... thats all that matters. The family members that I have told have been shocked... they mostly think my dad is dead... but its not so big of a deal in the end...

Ive got more to say on this, but I have said enough... so if you have any more questions, I will be happy to assist...

Quote:

Originally Posted by s2tp

I think if you feel she should know the truth then you need to be prepared to have a stressful month or so...maybe even look into getting her counseling so that she has someone to go to and express her feelings..someone who she can trust. She may see you as a liar, and be angry with you, but with patience and encouragement form you and your husband she should be able to come around and realize you were not trying to hide anything...that you just didnt know how to bring it up.

Here are some very wise words. If you are to tell, I would advocate the counseling whether she appears to take it well or not, as this is a much bigger deal than most people realise. Kids are resiliant but they are not prepared to cope with all that this impacts simply because they are kids.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s2tp

Also, if you go through with telling her, prepare for her to ask questions about him...and possibly even wanting to find him. I asked a lot, and i talked about finding him...my mom was very open to it and she even attempted to do so herself....neither of us has been dedicated or successful. Everyone reacts differently.

That was the reason I advocated as I did with the first woman, since she lived in circumstances so that he could not find them and resurface in the child's life. I failed to mention that and thought it should be corrected.