I have a 13.5 daughter. She does not want to spend family time with the family (father, younger sister and brother including me). She is mean towards her younger sister. She does not want her sister to come in her room or spends time with her. She always on the phone talking to her friend. She does not go to bed when it is her bedtime. She watches TV and locks her room at night.

Whenever she has a free time, she is on the computer on myspace. I forbidden her from going on myspace but she ignores me. Recently, I taken her computer away from her room. She is doing her homework in the dinning room table where I can see her.

I want to trust her but feel that she is addicted to myspace. She does not clean her room and makes her bed. I have to constantly nagging her everyday. She barely does her chores around the house. She will help me with her little brother when she told her that she has to.

What can I do to improve my relationship with my daughter. I do spend alone time with her and talk about what is going on with her. Everyday, when I drive her home, I try to engage in a conservation with her and want her to be able to communicate with me. She does not make any comments when I talk to her.

Please help me.

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Originally Posted by Solitude

I have a 13.5 daughter. She does not want to spend family time with the family (father, younger sister and brother including me). She is mean towards her younger sister. She does not want her sister to come in her room or spends time with her. She always on the phone talking to her friend. She does not go to bed when it is her bedtime. She watches TV and locks her room at night.

Whenever she has a free time, she is on the computer on myspace. I forbidden her from going on myspace but she ignores me. Recently, I taken her computer away from her room. She is doing her homework in the dinning room table where I can see her.

I want to trust her but feel that she is addicted to myspace. She does not clean her room and makes her bed. I have to constantly nagging her everyday. She barely does her chores around the house. She will help me with her little brother when she told her that she has to.

What can I do to improve my relationship with my daughter. I do spend alone time with her and talk about what is going on with her. Everyday, when I drive her home, I try to engage in a conservation with her and want her to be able to communicate with me. She does not make any comments when I talk to her.

Please help me.

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First off you have to be in charge. You have to make rules and enforce those rules when they are broken. You also have to reward good behavior. Sounds like your daughter has something to hide. She could be into an online relationship that she wants to hide from you. You also have to be aware that sudden personality changes and withdrawal from family could mean she has been introduced to drugs.

When she does something correct, reward her with what she likes. Computer time, phone time or whatever. If she is disrespectful or does not want to follow rules restrict these privileges. Be aware if she goes to someone else's house she may use this opportunity to bypass your restrictions. Therefore restrictions should also involve leaving the home.

MySpace is a dangerous place especially for young girls. Block it from your computer. Young children should always be supervised on the internet. No internet access in the private rooms, only in the family room where the screen is visible to you.

I was once told that if your kids loved you all of the time then you were not a good parent. I learned through experience that to be a good parent sometimes your kids have to hate you. It only lasts for a short time and when they grow their brains back in later they appreciate you for it. My oldest son, when he was 18, was once asked what I could have done better. He stated "You should have saved me from myself".

Welcome to Teen Parenting-101!! She is, after all, a teenager now. No she does not want to spend time with the family, that is her learning her independence. There is really nothing wrong with that in and of itself. However...

The computer needs to come out of her room. Computer access should be limited to children, yes she is still a child, and access should be supervised. Parental controls should be established now. You can do that on your computer or contact your ISP as to how to set them up. Have you or your husband checked her MySpace account? If not, then you should do so now. MySpace is a cyber meeting place for people of all walks of life, but it is also a playground for peodphiles.

She locks her door? You have not removed the doorknob and replaced it with one that does not lock? Why not?

Look, you forbid her from MySpace, she ignores you, not to be harsh, but exactly WHO is the parent here? Take the computer out of the room, remove and replace the doorknob. Yes, she deserves privacy, but locking the door is not only excessive, but dangerous. What happens if there is a fire and you cannot get in to save her. Don't say this won't happen. I know a girl who recently lost both of her parents in a fire for that same reason. All Kristie could do was stand outside and scream at her parent's window.

Now, it is time for you and your husband to take over control. It won't be easy, she will hate you for a short time, but the result will be rewarding.

Heck, my 13 year old told me she was sick today and could not go to school, I made her (she was only tired) and she thanked me this afternoon because she would have missed a party.

So, to be the good guy in your child's eyes, sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

You know, all I wanted to do was comment on J_9's post, but I can't.

So….

J_9's post:

I agree 100%. Why do I need to comment when she says it all so well?

Great advice.

I am just a 24 year old female, and I don't have kids... but this sounds like a very typical teenager... J_9 had some very good advice. 13 y/o's don't need locks on their doors, as long as their siblings respect their privacy.

I agree that Myspace is a dangerous place for anyone. However denying something that is such a high point in millions of teenagers lives (I am pretty positive all of her friends have Myspace too)... she will hate you more for denying her that. Myspace has many options to keep predators out. I would sit down with her and go through the security settings. Talk with her about the dangers, but also let her know you expect her to be responsible. And periodically look at it, with her knowing. I have 24 cousins, 20 are female and they range from 26 to 7.. All of them age 12 and up have a Myspace.. but their parents monitor them and I do too... I have never seen anything inappropriate from them, so long as they know they are being supervised by an adult. I highly suggest not taking it away unless it poses serious threat- such as inappropriate conversations or pictures, or if she really starts to fight you about it. If she can't handle you being a part of it... then I would say no more.

Teenagers can be very touchy. I think you are doing great by taking the computer out of her room, and limiting her social time. Sit her down and explain to her that you understand she wants to have her own social life, but she needs to give time to the family as well. She is at a point where she is trying to identify herself, figure out who she is... and well family tend to cramp the style... She needs space, so try not to make her feel like she can't grow. She doesn't understand or see the changes she is going through. Her life is all about her right now... but don't worry she will come out of it, just be patient, understanding, and open... all while being a mother. It's a balancing act!

Not everyone is a fan of Dr. Phil, but I really feel he gives some good advice. This is the link to his pre-teen/teen section for parenting... maybe something there will help you out;
http://www.drphil.com/articles/category/4/17

Your doing a great job! And best of luck... Oh and prepare for the next siblings to go through the same.. 'du du du duuuu' (dramatic music)

Please see this website about how to "lock up" certain websites.

This is a tough time. She is learning about who she is, who she wants to be and who everyone around her is. Its really scarey being that age... not old enogh to be allowed to do masses of things, but old enough to handle almost everything! I remember it well.
I wrote in my diary when I was 13... "here ends the worst year of my life"... I remember that so well!!

Set a time and a day once a week to sit down and talk about the week that has passed, then discuss the week ahead, and see what she would like to do... some good and bad in that session!!

Hope it goes well.