Yesterday, my girlfriend of almost four years broke up with me. No fighting led up to this, though I suspect it was four years of me receiving promotions, job offers, and recognition and her inability to find a fulfilling job. She moped around the house, wanted to do nothing but watch movies, had insomnia and little energy, and wouldn't open up to anyone, especially me.

I let her know I noticed a change in behavior Wednesday night, we had a polite talk about that, then she said "I need time to think about things." With that, she left to go see her sister. She came back home last night, told me she wants to break up because "You deserve someone better, someone who isn't a burden." She feels she's a burden because she's not doing what she wants with her life.

Yes, she has done this before. She began behaving like this in the last 18 months, after losing one job and having a hard time finding another. I've been there for support and offered what help I can, given that I have resume software and a knack for professional writing. She's had two previous episodes where she wants to break up because she's not going where she wants and because I love her I can't hate her and "just move on."

She needs professional help, I think, given that her sisters have similar issues. Should I just give up and let her continue to hurt herself? I love her for who she is and want her to get the help she needs.

It's unfortunate, but you can only help a person so much. Eventually it comes down to that person needing to help herself. It sounds like maybe she was too dependent on you. Maybe it doesn't bother you as much as it bothered her. Give her the time she needs to get things straightened around.

I know it's hard, but it's the best thing you can do right now.

Sometimes a person needs to help themselves. You've had 4 years to make this relationship work, but sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. It happens.

The problem I see with your relationship is lack of compabitibility. It's almost as if you're going in different directions. She's going on a downward spiral while you're moving up the ranks.

It's possible that she needs professional help, but that's up to her. It's not so much about giving up, as oppose to doing what's bests for each of you.

Maybe one day you will find each other again, but until then, it's best that you go your separate ways because that would be in each of your best interests.

When a relationship is this unbalanced, despite all obvious attempts to 'help', eventually there has to be a point of no return.

While I have to say I admire you for sticking with it, and doing all you can to help her, she needs to make changes in her own life to find a way out of that place where she remains unhappy and unfulfilled.

She may be content to live her life as it is, and with or without you, the outlook is the same.

When you truly offer all the love and support you can, and nothing changes, then it is you that has to change.

Sometimes love is just not enough.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

When you truly offer all the love and support you can, and nothing changes, then it is you that has to change.

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It sounds like to me, though, that he did everything he could and didn't necessarily do anything wrong. It seems to me that she needs to do the changing

I think you give her the space to find herself. Sorry for your loss, but you can only help so much and now its up to her.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. You have done all you can, now it's time to cut the losses

Thank you all for your input. I'm going to give her the space she needs to figure herself out. No stalking.

Sorry for your pain. Depression is really an ugly thing and losing a job can absolutely kill yourself confidence. With both of those things, it becomes difficult to overcome.

She has to realize her problems exist and get some therapy to overcome them, but you can't force her to do anything.

You've been there for her through thick and thin, so move on without feeling any guilt.

She's afraid to come forward with a problem, thinks she has to be tough and figure it out on her own. Says things like her problems are just a burden on me when I only want to listen. I've helped her out when it was necessary. She thinks she's the only one facing life's challenges.

She was very supportive of me. I remember the day I went on the interview that got me the job I'd been after for two years she texted me as I walked into the building, "I know you will impress them."

Wednesday, I told her she seemed detached. I asked if things were bothering her that she tell me. I wanted to correct what I was doing wrong if I could or listen to what was troubling her.

Instead, she left. She came back and said I deserved someone better. I asked why she dumps on herself so much--she does, a lot lately--and she said, "I hate my job, I'm getting fat, and I'm not doing what I want with my life." I said it doesn't make her a burden on me, I went through a really rough time myself and she was there for me with nothing but support and encouragement.

She told me she loved me but wasn't in love, she cares about me and she was going to stay at her sister's.

It hurts, but stop trying to fix something for someone else, when its up to them in the first place.

I'm sorry for you loss! I really am.

I sufferend from depressions on and of from the age of 11 until I was 22. I started seen a phsycologist when I was 21... I think the most important message I have ever received in therapy is this:

You can only save yourself.

I think there is so much truth in that. I had a supportive BF at the time, when I started therapy. He sounds a lot like the type of person you have been for her.

But no matter how hard he tried, It was me who had to bring it home. I was really the only person who could save myself. Cause in my experience (I know people differ!) it takes some work to lift yourself from that pit... or hole if you will that depression can be.

I was also the only one who could deal with my issues and with the low self esteem.

I often keep the fraze in mind when people I know are struggeling! I can offer them all the help in the world, but ultimatly they are the once who have to want to save themselves. Cause as an outsider to their personal and (inward) problems, I can't resolve anything, But I can be there and be a soft place to land.

I think it sounds as if you have done a good job in being supportive and being a soft place to land and I'm sorry that you had to lose your GF... but even if you want to help her now, she is really the only one who can help herself. If she choses to go to counseling then that's great, but it has to be her choice. She needs to chose her path to getting "better"


Its good though that you realize this and that you're going to give her space. It's a sound decision. I also hopw that you're dealing with you can the break up.

I wish you the best of luck in the path to healing!

Best wishes
Roxy

I learned yesterday that she's planning to move to another state where an old girlfriend of mine lives. She visited once and thinks she'll only fine happiness there.

She doesn't realize this girlfriend of mine hasn't had steady work since she moved there to pursue college and hasn't been able to attend in years due to a lack of money.

Three weeks ago, my girlfriend of almost four years broke up with me. She's decided to leave California and move to Iowa to live with a female friend. My ex said I “deserved better” and she felt she was just a burden on me. She seems to have been depressed for some time and I've been as loving and supportive as I could. She has no money to finance this journey and only knows a few people in Iowa she met during a visit there a year ago, yet expects to be fully independent within a month. She has broken up with me before, saying she realized it was a big mistake and telling me she loves me more than ever.

We met when she was 19 and I was 23. She possessed relentless confidence and that was what attracted me to her. I've been a totally self-reliant person since I left home and I fell in love with her attitude. At the time her life's dream was trying out for the navy. She was disqualified for hearing loss in one ear after passing numerous physical and mental tests. This devastated her. Since that time she's talked about a lot of things she wants to do but doesn't actually take steps to achieve them. She currently feels stuck in retail management while I've grown into a career I'm excited about.

Over the years I've watched her become more and more withdrawn. She likes to socialize but feels very uncomfortable around my friends and co-workers despite them being very friendly toward her. She doesn't like to share her feelings, telling me it's “unfair to burden others” with them. She would rather watch movies all day than go out and shop or meet new people. We have a lot of fun together though I do get frustrated that she isn't more forthcoming with her thoughts and opinions.

She comes from a family where her father paid more attention to his girlfriends than his daughters and insisted the girls move out as soon as they turned 18, no exceptions. Her two younger sisters are recovering drug addicts who have kids with jerk boyfriends. One of her older sisters got married because she got pregnant and is now separated. During that time she became an alcoholic and has threatened suicide. The oldest sister just completed her bachelor's degree, runs marathons, and has a stable family. This is the one she doesn't listen to.

She's being awfully nice to me, keeping in touch and suggesting we hang out. She really wants to see me before she leaves, also. I love her for who she is and think that moving to a place she knows almost nothing about with no money is a bad idea. Her friends in Iowa are barely surviving as gas station cashiers. I've told her how I feel as politely as I could without condemning her or the idea. I worry that she's going to get stuck in a bad situation with no way out and it would hurt me to see that happen. I have no idea what to do in this situation.

OK this is a slight harshness warning...

She seemes to have grown up the hard way and it seems that her life and her family is pretty broken.

The thing is.. you are broken up and if you remain friends than you can give her advice and tell her that you give the advice with good intentions, but at the same time is it your place to judge? Or your place to decide what's right for her?

I will like to ad that I say this because I'm known to have made some decisions during my life that my family and friends don't always agree with, but its MY life, not theirs and on some level people must be allowed to handle their own problems and make their own decisions.

She wants to move to Iwoa and even though you think it's a bad idea: ITS HER LIFE and her choice to make. Personally, even though I feel that your heart is in the right place it really isn't your place to pass judgment on this.

She's an adult isn't she? And as I wrote the last time she can only save herself. For all you know she really can't stand the idea of staying in Cali and needs to get away and for all you know she might be able to make things work out for her in Iwoa.

So maye you should start thinking more about yourself and your position in all this and stop thinking so much about her and her situation?


BTW: you wrote Girlfriend.. are the two of you back together?