Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend moving out but plans on continuing the relationship

Hi everyone. I did a Google search and I found this page. I read up some similar threads, but possibly someone could add something to my situation and possibly help me out.

My girlfriend of two years just gave me the news yesterday she was planning on moving out. This came as a complete surprise to me. We've been living together for a year and a half and I thought things were going well. We have/had an open, trusting relationship. At least I was under this impression.

I use the phrase have/had because I really don't know what is going on right now. I asked why she wanted to move out and the answer was she needed more freedom and space. I thought I was being good in this department as I really pretty much gave her free reign to hang out with her friends whenever she wanted. Maybe that backfired. Who knows though this was the answer. She also stated the passion in the relationship has faded and that maybe if she moved out things would be exciting again like when we first met. We both understand the passion fades the more your with someone, but for me anyway it was replaced by an adoring type of love. I question if she feels the same anymore. I thought so.

Most of all I'm surprised there was no attempt to try and talk to me about things. I've always encouraged the freedom to talk so we could let each other know what's on our minds. Maybe she felt there was no other way. I tried to find out what was exactly bothering her about living together. She just said again she just needs her space.

I guess as it stands now, we are going to attempt to keep the relationship going while we are not longer living together. While I want to believe that this could be strengthen our relationship, I'm concerned that it could be the first step to breaking up. Has anyone heard of a relationship growing stronger once someone moves out after a period living together? Any suggestions regarding how to strengthen this relationship? I consider this girl the love of my life. I had long term plans. Her birthday was coming up and I was looking forward to celebrating our relationship/anniversary together. Now I'm just crushed.

I remember telling myself when we first got together that I was just going to enjoy our time together and accept the moment when our time together come to an end. That's easier said than done. I want to be there to take care of her when she's sick or needs something just like I did in the past. Maybe I still can. I want to be positive about this. At the same time I want to be realistic. I've thus far shown my support for the move. I've even been helping her find a place to stay that's nice and safe. Maybe the best thing for me to do is just not show it's bothering me that bad, support her in her move, and continue the relationship with giving her plenty of space and freedom. Maybe I'm just denying the inevitable. To give you some background I'm 29 and she's 26. Thanks for any help.

It sounds more like a breakup to me. This is like taking 100 steps backwards. What does the future hold for this relationship? If she moves out, will she ever move back in? How do you go forward from here?

She may be asking for space and freedom through her words, but through her actions, it's clear that she doesn't want you part of her every day life. She wants her own life, without you in it.

Though you may not be ready to let her go, this relationship looks like it's going to end one way or another.

I would say, make it a clean and full break up so that you don't have to drag this out any longer.

Thank you for your help.

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Originally Posted by I wish

I would say, make it a clean and full break up so that you don't have to drag this out any longer.

I totally agree.

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Originally Posted by lee29

Has anyone heard of a relationship growing stronger once someone moves out after a period living together?

I won't pussyfoot around. There have too many similar posts on this site with the final word always "break-up." No, the relationship does not grow stronger once someone moves out after a period living together.

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Any suggestions regarding how to strengthen this relationship?

No. It's too late for that. She's moving out and not even suggesting that you two get counseling or work on your problems somehow.

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Maybe I'm just denying the inevitable.

Yes, you are. Sorry if I sound mean, but the faster you accept that the relationship is over and get on with your life, the faster you will heal and be looking for a woman who will love you with all her heart. And you definitely sound like a keeper who deserves a princess.

I agree with the others and I would also say don't be so accommodating. Let her find her own place.
Let the woman go.

Thank you all so much for direct replies. You've all been a great help. This denial stage has been awful, but I think I'm snapping out of it. Wondergirl thanks for the compliment. I'm currently attempting to make plans to get out of the area completely. Besides school, she was the only reason I've been in this area. Now school is done, my girlfriend is leaving me, and I have nothing left here. I have my friends but they'll understand. Thanks everyone for helping me think straight.

Well, from how you've explained things it def seems like its going backwards...

One of the things that I made a mental note of is that she feels that the passion is gone and that this is why she is moving out, hoping that passion will some how come back and that things will be like it was in the beginning... that won't happen. She is being very unrealistic by hoping things will be the way it was in the beginning... when things were new and exiting. You guys have been together of two years and lived together for a year and a half, so going backwards just won't work.

Time move forwards, Its one of those things life brings with it all naturally.

I also think its strange how she didn't tell you... she didn't discuss it, until you got the message "Hey, I'm moving out"
'
It seems that maybe it is a good idea to just rip the bandaid of and be done with it, i.e. maybe make a clean break. Besides this seems like its painful for you. Which is understandable.

And something in me is telling me that maybe this is her way of going for a soft break up?

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Originally Posted by roxypox

and something in me is telling me that maybe this is her way of going for a soft break up?

I think you're right. I just need to be smart and see it as what it is. To not do so is going to end up hurting us both a whole lot more. She probably did it to protect me from the sudden shock of hearing everything all at once. I'll talk to her tonight and do this the right way so we can both just get on with our lives. If I didn't post on here I'd still be moping about asking myself what I did wrong and how to get her back. Thanks everyone. Everything is clearer now.

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Originally Posted by lee29

I think you're right. I just need to be smart and see it as what it is. To not do so is going to end up hurting us both a whole lot more. She probably did it to protect me from the sudden shock of hearing everything all at once. I'll talk to her tonight and do this the right way so we can both just get on with our lives. If I didn't post on here I'd still be moping about asking myself what I did wrong and how to get her back. Thanks everyone. Everything is clearer now.

Don't forget -- she's known about the breakup/moving out far longer than you have. She didn't just decide on it five minutes before she mentioned it to you; it's been in her mind for probably a long time.

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She probably did it to protect me from the sudden shock of hearing everything all at once.

Don't flatter yourself. This is all about her, not you. She's a woman, and we women don't like to cause anyone anguish, don't want to make anyone mad at us, we want to keep the peace, we want to keep life happy-happy, SO that's another reason she is soft-pedaling her moving out, just so you don't end up hating her. We women hate to be hated. We want everyone, especially ex-boyfriends, to love us and be our friend forever. (It's a Venus-Mars thing.)

Well I talked to her last night. I told her it might just be best to break up because like it was stated on here, this will most likely only end up as a breakup in the end. She seemed to encourage the fact that I could still come over and we could do activities together and go out on dates. We do enjoy our time together, so that makes this all the more difficult to interpret. It's not like we are disgusted to be in each other's presence or have any resentment toward each other. We generally just focus on having a good time. It doesn't seem as if she wants nothing to do with me. She didn't seem all that excited that I was looking at the possibility of moving and just getting out of town. Who knows.

She knows I'm not a hater, but she could have done this due to experiences with previous relationships. She doesn't speak too highly of her previous exboyfriends. I would like her to think highly of me even though we aren't together. It would be upsetting to hear her trashtalking me, without even bringing it to my attention during the relationship. Our issues in the relationship were generally very minor. If there has been a problem going on, I think I've been doing a good job of solving the problem once it has been brought to my attention. So who knows. I'm getting mixed messages. I'm going to end the relationship on good terms while keeping communication open. We'll see what happens.

Disappear from her life! Get your own.

Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When you break up, have the courtesy to revoke their relationship privileges.

Talaniman Rule- Never let them break your heart TWICE! Didn't it hurt enough the first time?

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, why go back, and get dumped again.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Talaniman Rule- Never allow an ex to make rules for what you do.

Talaniman Rule- Never wait when you get dumped. Get your own life and let them get theirs.

Talaniman Rule-Never follow your heart when it's so broken, it makes the brain feel like mush

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and thats only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule- While they are dumping you, never say you can't be friends. Agree to whatever she wants, then disappear from their life.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind cripple or crazy.

Talaniman Rule - Never tolerate bad behavior. *

Talaniman Rule- Let them pay for the consequences of their bad behavior, not you. *

*NOTE_ Applies to any bad behavior.

Talaniman Rule- If one female isn't available, there are millions that are. Don't get stuck on one who is BUSY with other things.

Talaniman Rule - Don't miss other opportunities and options because your stuck on someone who is not as stuck on you, thats just plain crazy.

Talaniman Rule- Be honest with yourself, and be honest with others.

Talaniman Rule-when you get dumped, and they change their mind, its up to them to let you know.

Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

Talaniman Rule of Rules- Don't get sucked in the confusion of being friends, at the expense of your healing

Talaniman Rule- If an ex wants you back, It has to be on their own without your influence.

Talaniman Rule-Love yourself enough to never allow any one to treat you badly. If they do, LEAVE.

Talaniman Rule- When you see a brick wall, don't go head first into it, and expect to get on the other side.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.

Talaniman Rule- Never get so wrapped up with wanting something, when you know you can't have it.

I would have left an hour after she did. It may have been sudden to you but she was planning this move for a while. That's why you leave her alone, and respect the break up, and do your own thing.

Geez guy, makes no sense to WAIT for a female to change her mind when she has taken her stuff and left, NONE whatsoever. Despite her words, she will have no time for you if something else catches her attention, because she is already gone. Drop the false hope, and see what happens attitude, they both will bite you in the butt!!

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Originally Posted by lee29

It would be upsetting to hear her trashtalking me

Women trashtalk about their exes even if they have to make up stuff or at least exaggerate it. So what if she does? Who cares?

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I'm getting mixed messages.

Of course you are. That's all part of the game. A male friend of mine who has been married five times calls it "intermittent reinforcement" -- she can't let you disappear completely because then she loses control over you, so she lets you go a bit, then reels you back in a bit.

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I'm going to end the relationship on good terms while keeping communication open. We'll see what happens.

"End the relationship on good terms" does not equate with "keeping communication open." We KNOW what will happen if you don't go into No Contact mode.

Unreal. I have lived with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and we are not happy because we live together. We were very happy when we didn't live together. It becomes a relationship where one person thinks that just being in the same house is quality time and the other thinks something is wrong because they have drifted apart. The same thing happened with my last two boyfriends and they are all very different people. Its not the same for everyone. I am moving out and am VERY happy about it because I know that it will give me the space I need to not always need someone else around and him the space he needs to realize things and grow into a more mature relationship in the future. The reason people end up moving out in the first place is because they were not honest with themselves about what they wanted and they moved to fast in the beginning. Its not about living together, its about if the time you spend together is quality. What's the point of living together if you hardly see each other or enjoy each others company.