Ask Me Help Desk - Sexless, deprived

I'm new here & reading other posts really help me already a little bit to not feel alone, reminds me that we ALL how our issues.

My issue is that I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. The sex was great for the first 2 years and then after that it just seemed to stop. I know we have gone through a lot, but I don't truly get why he doesn't want sex with me and why he isn't attracted to me. He always makes sarcastic comments, if I had a bigger booty, or if I made more money or if his family and I got along better, then maybe we'd be having sex.

I just can't take it anymore, I've dealt with porn and have finally gotten that as under control as I can, he was addicted to porn, then he was putting himself on the personals for dates and I found that out by accident, then he cheated on me with 3 different women, once while I Was in the hospital...

I give and give to this man, I am no prude in the bedroom and that's one reason I feel my man should never need porn. I love having sex, if it were up to me we'd be having sex 3-4 times a day, for the rest of our lives. I get nothing from him, morning boners, he just tries to get one off and never gives anything to me, I feel violated and truly not cared for.

I like me, I know men find me attractive, but my boyfriend just doesn't seem to care I exist. When I talk to him about it he has nothing to say, just that he's sorry. Sorry about what, is what I want to know.

My question, what am I suppose to do? I love him, but I am soooo tired of feeling like a piece of useless when I'm around him.

Thanks so much for any advice!! :-)

Your boyfriend cheated on you three times - that you know of - and you're still with him?

I think you are in denial... because your problems are not really about sex.

Whatever the reason this guy has for hanging on to a relationship with you, it's not because he "loves" you.

People that care about you don't pretend you don't exist.
People that love you don't "cheat" on you or place personal ads to find the next person to cheat with.
People that find you attractive and fun don't criticize your body, and choose porn over real intimacy.

After 9 years, I think you know what this guy likes, and it isn't you.

Drop this dead weight. Find someone that really does care about you.

I agree with Philly.
If he loved you he would not cheat on you.
Get out now while you still can!!

I hate to use negativity, but it sounds like he is STILL cheating on you. After NINE years, and he is only your boyfriend still-I would let him go if I were you to live a better life for yourself. This guy is a jerk and it sounds like he is taking you for granted.
It sounds like you are both "comfortable" with each other; therefore, neither of you want to leave-and nine years is a long time. However, it is also obvious that neither of you are happy and he is just going to keep bringing you down the longer you stay with him. He is going to bring you down to the point to where you think you can't do better than him. Please, leave this guy and do the better that you can do.

I guess I'm thankful for your advice, but your tone sure doesn't help. Not at all. I'm not in denial and I don't think he loves me, he's afraid of being alone, but he doesn't love me. Anyway, thanks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by puffs28

I'm not in denial and I don't think he loves me, he's afraid of being alone, but he doesn't love me. anyways, thanks.

Don't you think you deserve better?

Thanks, depressedinmo, comfortable is the perfect word, I totally hear you... I think you are right and hearing this from people who don't know me or my boyfriend but can just read my post and see exactly what is going on, I take to heart everything I'm hearing here. Its just hard right now because we both just moved to a new city,I don't have a job yet, but he does, I have no where to go, unless my parents are willing to let me stay with them... guess this is going to be hard, but thank you again,soooooooooo very much for the advice:-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Don't you think you deserve better?

I just realized this second that yes, of course I want better, but I keep wondering if what I want is unrealistic, what if... well, there are so many what ifs... I have forgotten what it means to be treated well, if that makes sense? It's like being sick for so long that you consider that normal and to be well is just not familiar.
So do I want to be treated better, yes, obviously that means it is time to hit the road...
Even though I didn't like your tone in the first post, I sure do appreciate your tone now:-) I get it, thanks for getting through to my head and my heart:-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by puffs28

I'm new here & reading other posts really help me already a little bit to not feel alone, reminds me that we ALL how our issues.

My issue is that I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years. The sex was great for the first 2 years and then after that it just seemed to stop. I know we have gone through a lot, but I don't truly get why he doesn't want sex with me and why he isn't attracted to me. He always makes sarcastic comments, if I had a bigger booty, or if I made more money or if his family and I got along better, then maybe we'd be having sex.

I just can't take it anymore, I've dealt with porn and have finally gotten that as under control as I can, he was addicted to porn, then he was putting himself on the personals for dates and I found that out by accident, then he cheated on me with 3 different women, once while I Was in the hospital...

I give and give to this man, I am no prude in the bedroom and that's one reason I feel my man should never need porn. I love having sex, if it were up to me we'd be having sex 3-4 times a day, for the rest of our lives. I get nothing from him, morning boners, he just tries to get one off and never gives anything to me, I feel violated and truly not cared for.

I like me, I know men find me attractive, but my bf just doesn't seem to care I exist. When I talk to him about it he has nothing to say, just that he's sorry. Sorry about what, is what I want to know.

My question, what am I suppose to do? I love him, but I am soooo tired of feeling like a piece of useless when I'm around him.

Thanks so much for any advice!!!!!:-)

I too am having a difficult time leaving a relationship that does not make me feel loved or wanted. I think it is a matter of being comfortable. Nine years for you and 14 years for me is a long time and I feel like I invested so much time that it should work. I think I prefer my fantasy life of what I would like for our relationship to be over what the reality of what it is. A sexless, loveless, one sided relationship. I guess it is time to wake up and smell the reality!

Quote:

Originally Posted by FILEEGRL

I too am having a difficult time leaving a relationship that does not make me feel loved or wanted. I think it is a matter of being comfortable. Nine years for you and 14 years for me is a long time and I feel like I invested so much time that it should work. I think I prefer my fantasy life of what I would like for our relationship to be over what the reality of what it is. A sexless, loveless, one sided relationship. I guess it is time to wake up and smell the reality!

Thanks so much for sharing what's going on in your life, I'd like to know more... YES, that fantasy life, I live in it and like you said so wisely, it's time to wake up and smell the crappy relationship. You deserve to stop working on your relationship, doesn't it get soooo exhuasting, to the point where there is nothing left to do and if you don't do it it probably won't get done, so continues the sad relationship. We both deserve to be wanted, adored, lusted after, trusted, made to feel secure on a daily basis.

I don't know about you, but I have forgotten what love REALLY is, I forgtten what it means to be treated beautifully, to have sex regularly :-), to be appreciated...
14 years for you... that's been along time you have gone w/o the love you need and deserve. Too long, how to leave is the question, I guess you have to have a plan, a place to go, ways to cope, support systems in place, it's so scary, but when I think about the possibility of finding love again, with a man that is willing to do as much work as I am for the relationship, then I get a little excited about leaving.

Guess trying to go around the pain is a real waste of time, if we go straight through the pain, meet it head one, they'll be this beautiful result at the end of all the sadness...