Ask Me Help Desk - Truth or consequences?

A little background... I have 4 daughters and divorced their dad several years ago in order to provide a better standard of living for them. My ex lost his job of 25 years and decided not to work again, I guess. His method of providing was to put them on whatever government program they could be on and to scrape up what money he could when he had to, like to have the lights turned back on. I left them home with him and went to work, he did nothing. I took 2 jobs and he still did nothing. Long story short, I left him took 3 jobs went back to school and he still does nothing.

Dilema... I am working, going to school and managing a household while he does nothing. He sells junk at flea markets on the weekend which allows him time to spend with the girls freely during the week. When he has them they do nothing but go to parks, movies, theme parks and zoos. I have a very hard time making ends meet and luxuries like that aren't possible. This has caused the girls to resent me and want to spend more time with him. That is hurtful, to say the least.

Question... Should I reveal to them the truth about him and his lifestyle in order to improve my relationship with them or let them see the whole picture in time as I know they will.

You think they resent you now, what do you think they will be like if you put their dad down to them? Sounds to me like he has worked most of his life, maybe he is going through something - mid-life crisis? I say just keep doing what you are doing. If this isn't just a passing thing, the kids will soon work it out. They can't party all the time. They will need and begin to look for something more substantial from him like love and nurturing. Bide your time. Let the girls figure their dad out for themselves. Stand by them and they'll be back in the fold soon. Just don't put up with rude or bad behaviour from them, you don't deserve that after all your hard work.

Is your ex paying you child support? He probably should be since he's got some income. If he has money for movies, theme parks and zoo visits, he should also have money to help cover their living expenses - food, clothing, and shelter.

Let your kids figure out the good and bad of their father on their own. He obviously loves them enough to want to spend time with them and do things with them.

Is he taking care of the kids while you are working? Three jobs must take up a lot of time. Perhaps the kids are colder to you because you simply are not around that much anymore.. If their Mom is always at work or in class, it would be natural for the kids to gravitate to the person that gives them the most attention - even if it is just afternoon at the park playground.

Thank you for your input. I have such a struggle with this. His lifestyle and living conditions are deplorable. I truly hate the time I sacrifice with them to provide a good life, and honestly I resent him for being able to do all these things with them. I feel like Im giving up so much to better things for them and he gets all the gratitude.

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Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Is your ex paying you child support? He probably should be since he's got some income. If he has money for movies, theme parks and zoo visits, he should also have money to help cover their living expenses - food, clothing, and shelter. He pays less than half the state minimum requirements for support and nothing for additional expenses like school fees or unexpected expenses. Being "self-employed" there is no way to prove an income inorder to secure judgement for more.

Let your kids figure out the good and bad of thier father on their own. He obviously loves them enough to want to spend time with them and do things with them. He does love them but my opinion is that he should love them enough to provide a better standard of living for them. His priority is to be there with them and for them and if it means they needed to be on government programs, so be it. Let some one else pay for their healthcare or school lunches.

Is he taking care of the kids while you are working? Three jobs must take up alot of time. Perhaps the kids are colder to you because you simply are not around that much anymore ... ? If their Mom is always at work or in class, it would be natural for the kids to gravitate to the person that gives them the most attention - even if it is just afternoon at the park playground.

He sees them one afternoon per week and every other weekend. Im sure they do have a hard time with me being away so much.

In the state of Washington judgment is based on income potential. Even if unemployed an adult could make X amout if they did work, therfore you would get some support based on what he could make if employeed.

First of all, while I don't agree with him doing "nothing" and sponging off the government, if he was in fact eligible for government assistance (e.g. disability), then that actually probably didn't provide your girls with too bad a standard of living lol. Now if he did it fraudulently, that's something else again. But it sounds like he lost his job due to circumstances beyond his control. After 25 years he may have even been eligible for retirement. Either way, I think you may have been a little too hasty about divorcing him. Very rarely does a divorce result in a "better" standard of living for the children, even if one parent's source of income is nothing but government benefits. Do you resent the fact that you had to work to help provide for your family? It sounds a little like you do. You say that your husband "decided not to work again." I'd like to know what kind of job he could have gotten, after 25 years on the same job, that would have provided a salary and benefits comparable to what he'd been earning after 25 years with his last employer. Ringing up a cash register at 7-11 for $5.50 an hour wouldn't cut it, that's for sure. I'm sure the government provided a better living than that. Now, I really don't mean to play devil's advocate here (although I'm sure it seems like it) but understand that being unemployed after 25 years with the same employer put your husband in a very precarious position, making it difficult for him to provide a comparable living in a different job, even if he wanted to. Let's face it, after 25 years (which probably makes him in the neighborhood of 50 years old), he's not going to just walk off the street into a brand new job making the same kind of money and getting the same benefits that he'd been getting. You don't elaborate as to why he lost his job or what type of work he did but having to start over again mid-life like that is very difficult. Unfortunately I think you abandoned him at a time when he needed your love and support more than ever. I'm afraid that's the picture your girls are eventually going to see.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

First of all, while I don't agree with him doing "nothing" and sponging off the government, if he was in fact eligible for government assistance (e.g. disability), then that actually probably didn't provide your girls with too bad a standard of living lol.
He accepted programs such as state insurance and food programs as means of providing for his family. Now if he did it fraudulently, that's something else again. But it sounds like he lost his job due to circumstances beyond his control. After 25 years he may have even been eligible for retirement.
I]He did infact draw out his 401K and spent it[/I].
Either way, I think you may have been a little too hasty about divorcing him.
This process lasted over 7 years and cost us 2 homes and 2 vehicles.
Very rarely does a divorce result in a "better" standard of living for the children, even if one parent's source of income is nothing but government benefits. Do you resent the fact that you had to work to help provide for your family?
I resent him for allowing me to leave my children with a sitter, work 2 jobs while he did nothing but browse garage sales for fodder to re-sell for cash.
It sounds a little like you do. You say that your husband "decided not to work again." I'd like to know what kind of job he could have gotten, after 25 years on the same job, that would have provided a salary and benefits comparable to what he'd been earning after 25 years with his last employer.
With his experience and knowledge he is qualified for several levels of employment. He has not inquired about or applied for one job since October 1996.

Ringing up a cash register at 7-11 for $5.50 an hour wouldn't cut it, that's for sure. I'm sure the government provided a better living than that. Now, I really don't mean to play devil's advocate here (although I'm sure it seems like it) but understand that being unemployed after 25 years with the same employer put your husband in a very precarious position, making it difficult for him to provide a comparable living in a different job, even if he wanted to. Let's face it, after 25 years (which probably makes him in the neighborhood of 50 years old), he's not going to just walk off the street into a brand new job making the same kind of money and getting the same benefits that he'd been getting. You don't elaborate as to why he lost his job or what type of work he did but having to start over again mid-life like that is very difficult. Unfortunately I think you abandoned him at a time when he needed your love and support more than ever.
Again, this process lasted over 7 years. There were many other factors involved in my decision which was not one made in haste. His choice to live in poverty while taxpayers support his children was only one of the reasons.
I'm afraid that's the picture your girls are eventually going to see.

Whatever happened, for whatever reason, you and your husband are divorced, and that's that. He's doing his thing and they are his kids and he seems to be glad to see them, so whatever resentments keep it to yourself, and let those girls know their father on their own terms without you poisoning the water. What they do with their Dad is their business, and since you say he loves them, why would you want to get between that? BITE THE BULLET and let them love each other. Go about your own business.