Ask Me Help Desk - Is it time to move on or should I try to fix things?

My boyfriend and I have been through a lot in the last two and a half years of our relationship and I'm starting to have doubts.
Here's the short version of what's going on: (I'm sorry, this is still going to be pretty long)

My boyfriend and I got together in our first year of college. He left his girlfriend for me and I left my former boyfriend for him. We couldn't have been happier, things were fantastic, best relationship I ever had.

We moved in together the following year (2nd year of college) and things were great till close to the end of the year... he grew distant and started talking non-stop to this other chick. He felt he needed some space to figure things out because he didn't see us going anywhere anymore. Needless to say when we were on our "break" he hooked up with this chick. (even though he was still lliving with me in a ONE bedroom apartment.)

I knew their relationship wouldn't last and that this had to be a phase but that didn't make it hurt any less. I feel awful for what I'm about to say next, but we slept together while he was with her (and not just in the same bed... I mean sex aswell) him saying how much he still cared about me and that he's unsure as to whether or not he made a mistake in leaving me. The cheating made me feel awful, and I vowed never to let it happen again (and it didnt).

Anyway, the relationship with this other chick ended three months later (into the summer) I won't say I was happy about it because breaking up is never easy on a person, but I can't say I was overly sorry.
As I foresaw, he told me he ended it with her because he didn't feel happy with her. He said that she wasn't the same as me and that no one had taken better care of him than I had. (which is true... I worked my butt off in that relationship!)
So we decided to give it another go. Everyone told me this was a huge mistake and that I should never have taken him back because of what he did to me. (the break up was a bit messier than I described there. :()
But we pressed on anyway. We went to the beach, out for dinner, hiking together and got right back into thigs really quickly. It was that same great feeling all over again. No, I never forgot what he did, but he did seem like he was trying to fix things.

Now here's my problem:

Upong returning to college (our 3rd year), things were fine till about Christmas time when I found out he was talking to his ex a whole bunch. (not the recent ex, the one I said he left for me) She had been sending him suggestive texts on his phone. I knew this because his phone went off when I was sleeping and I checked to see who it was (we both do that, he does it with my phone too).
When I asked him about it he said they just recently got back in contact and that was just how they talk to each other... I told him how that made me feel and he said he would stop.
I got paranoid because the texts didn't stop, and jealousy made me look in his email inbox (I know... bad) but I saw he had been exchanging graphic pictures with her! I was furious! So I told him he's to cut contact with her, or I'm gone. That seemed to hit home because he got real sad and said he wouldn't let that happen over an ex.

I foolishly believed him because I found out that he cheated on me while on Christmas break. (I found out 3 MONTHS LATER... MARCH)
I knew he would see her once over the break and I said I was okay with it (even though I really wasnt) and this is what he did to me. I found out because I took a sexy picture of myself and was going ot set it as his background on his phone and when I went to find the picture I took I saw pics of her naked...

After a long week of arguing he agreed never to talk to her again. I made him delete her off his Facebook, e-mail list, cell phone.. you name it.
He hasn't spoken with her since. Don't ask me why I'm still with him after all that but for some reason I am.

NOW I feel distant from him. Like he's not really trying anymore and I don't know how to fix it. He's got bisexual tendencies so he's been on weird sites like ratemycock.com and a bunch of other adult friend finder type sites. I fear he's looking elsewhere for someone but doesn't want to leave me. He's been talking to this chick he met at the bar (she's got a kid already so I'm not worried about her all that much) and letting her call him hunni and cutie even though I told him it bugs the hell out of me.

He treats me like a best friend... which is cool most of the time, but I want a relationship... I want what we had back. After everything I've forgiven him for, I just don't get it. I don't know what he wants from me. What should I do? I know a lot of you are going to say leave him... I'm just looking for opinions.

Thanks.

You helped me so I want to help u. I know I'm young but I have to say I'm a very considerate and understanding person. I kind of see how you feel it feels like you try so hard and care sooo much but he doesn't or its just not enough. Its not fair and boys are just so inconsiderate and stupid. I think you should try and work it out mainly because I can tell you really like him and it may mess you up emotionally if you don't try. And at least then you can say you tried. And you seem nice I don't even know him and I don't like him, but if it makes you happy tell him how you feel and try.

Hey sunagin,
Woow what a story, after all he did you still don't know what to do. Don't take this in a wrong way, and please don't get mad at me.

How can he take you seriously if you let him do things he wants, your not setting ground rules, but instead of doing something about what his doing, your let him use you like a door mat. It seems like, the more he do you wrong, the more you want him.
How could you let him live with you and sleep with you while he was with that woman. Where has your ethics and morals gone?
Being a guy, if he can get away with little things, he will keep doing what he does, his not welling to change, and he will never change, so please do yourself a favor and leave him. His trying to play the game and your letting him play it.

Big question to ask yourself: Do you trust him? If you don't and don't think you can get the trust back, let the relationship and him go. If you do trust him or think the trust can be rebuilt, then it comes down to communications.

Can you discuss your concerns and issues with him? No confrontations, no blame, no finger pointing, etc. just an open and honest discussion where both people talk with and listen to each other? Can you work together to rebuild the relationship keeping in mind that it can never be exactly the same again? Does he want to rebuild the relationship?

Yes, I think you need to get out of the relationship. He doesn't seem as invested in it as you do especially if he is visiting dating sites and other interactive adult sites and actively looking around at bars. Only you can decide that you have enough of the roller coaster. If you decide that it is over, the stickies at the top of the Relationship Board can give you a lot of help. Just keep adding to this thread and we will give you all the support and help we can.

Thanks so much for the answers so far all.

Showme_urmove, I completely understand what you're saying and I know you're probably not the only one to think that. I want to fix things, but I don't know how to set ground rules and have consequences that mean anything to him (other than leaving him because every time I threaten to leave he smartens up again)

If every time you threaten to leave him he smartens up then auctually leave him. Sometimes it takes being away from someone to realise howmuch they really mean to you.

But honestly once a cheater always a cheater. He cheated on this other girl with you he will cheat on you with another girl.

Maybe if he looses you he will wake up. He knows your not going anywhere. If he acts good for a while then you'll stay and he can go back to being himself.

If you want it to work. Make him come to you. Leave him. If he returns make him work for your love. Make him feel the way you do when he try and he doesn't!

Sunagain, what he did to you is what I had done to one of my ex, Im not proud of what I did. I know its hard to leave someone you love and invested your time on. But your only doing a one way fight, your fighting with yourself everyday hoping that we will change, and nothing is really going to change unless he wants it to change.
Let me give you an insight of what I did. Dated this girl, she was very much in love and I was just in a moment, I would bring her to my pad and leave her their while I go out with friends to the club, reason for me doing it, she let me and didn't have any ground rules. I would talk to other girls, cheated on her countless of times, as I turned 21 my friends throw me a party with strippers, I left her in my house and I went to the party. She was mad but didn't bother doing anything about it. I walked all over her like a door mat cause I know I would always have her. No fear of losing her cause she was more in love with me then I was with her. Then found this girl I truly love gave everything up, stopped the party, NEVER cheated on her, did my best to be the BF as I can, then she broke my heart. WORST PAIN EVER!

What I'm trying to say, if he was in love with you the same way as you were with him, then he would have done everything on his power to change and make you happy. He knows you, and he knows how to play you. Unless you do something about it, you will always re live the past over and over again, his having fun while your at home crying and feeling the pain everyday. THE SAYING ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER IS WRONG cause when I found someone I truly love, stopped everything to give her happiness.
I don't want you to go through like one of my ex had gone through. You had given everything for him, and you need a man that can give everything back, this relationship is one sided, you keep giving and giving and you get nothing in return except hurts and tears.
Your young, you have the rest of your life going, start having some standards of what kind of man you want in your life, and if they don't meet that criteria then move on.
"LIFE IS TO SHORT TO MAKE ONE PERSON RUINS YOUR OWN HAPPINESS, AND LIFE IS TO SHORT TO MAKE ONE PERSON DETERMINE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS"

Learn how to love yourself, and the rest would not matter.

Hypothetically, if I was to leave, how would I do it? I understand that what's going on here isn't healthy, but I do care so much that I just don't know how to get out.

Is knowing he's on a few sites enough? (he says they're just a self esteem boost :S) The cheating happened so long ago, it still bothers me but it would seem weird to leave over that now that it's been so long.

Or should I just sit down and talk to him about things? When things are good, they're really good, but when things are bad, I hate to ruin the good moments talking about the bad stuff.

Yeah, I know I'm young and still got a ways to go, I've been told that countless times especially when him and I broke up the other year. I just want to say I do appreciate the time you took to view and answer this (quite long so I think that deters most people from reading and answering haha)

If you can't communicate,openly and honestly,your relationship is not going anywhere.

Personally,I see too many red flags here for most people to want to stay.

Obviously what you do is your choice,but you ,as all of us,deserve a happy relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunagin

Hypothetically, if i was to leave, how would I do it? I understand that what's going on here isnt healthy, but I do care so much that I just don't know how to get out.

I just want to say I do appreciate the time you took to view and answer this (quite long so I think that deters most people from reading and answering haha)

The cheating wasn't that long ago. Not where you are concerned. March was only two months ago. The pain and healing begin when you find out about it NOT when it occurred. Part of the problem I see on that issue is he seems to not care about rebuilding the trust. He seems to believe not contacting her and you forgiving him is all that it takes to rebuild something that is extremely fragile. He is wrong.

As long as he keeps going to dating sites for an ego boost or whatever, he is keeping the trust broken up into little pieces. Those sites aren't for people who are happy with what they have. They are for people who want more or different.

If I were you, I would pack up all of my belongings and be prepared to make arrangements for bills, etc. Have a place lined up to move to or stay at and then sit him down and let him know that you think you make better friends than lovers and boyfriend/girlfriend. The relationship isn't enough for you and obviously it isn't for him either.

If there is a decision to work things out, I think it needs to be done with you living in different places. I don't think he will take any changes seriously while you are both in the same apartment.

As for reading your question, you used paragraphs so it didn't seem that long. It's the block of text some post that is hard to read and understand.:)

I realize that you love him, but can't you see that he is no good for any woman? He’s just no good at all.

He sneaks around, lies, and cheats. The ironic part is that most of the time he doesn't even hide it from you. He obviously knows you love him and thinks you're going to take whatever he dishes out. Problem is that he doesn’t love you. If he did he would care about your feelings.

Seriously, what are you going to do? Are you going to wait until he brings you home AIDS or an STD that you may be stuck with forever?

You deserve so much more, but you aren’t going to find true love and happiness if you don’t dump this jerk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

As for reading your question, you used paragraphs so it didn't seem that long. It's the block of text some post that is hard to read and understand.:)

Haha thanks I tried to make it easy :P

I'm not understanding why you would want to stay with him.
He has cheated on you twice that you know of, heck he cheated on his ex with you. The man is a cheater Period!

Where is yourself esteem that you would sleep with him knowing he is also sleeping with someone else?
He will stay with you because he can abuse you and the relationship and you will let him.
This does not sound like love to me, this is dysfunction.
"Is it time to move on or should I try to fix things?" Go back and read your post. Would you advise one of your friends to stay in a relationship like this?
What is there that you can fix? This guy is a player. He has to fix himself and he has no reason to because he knows you will allow him to play and sleep with you at the same time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I'm not understanding why you would want to stay with him.
He has cheated on you twice that you know of, heck he cheated on his ex with you. The man is a cheater Period!

Where is your self esteem that you would sleep with him knowing he is also sleeping with someone else?
He will stay with you because he can abuse you and the relationship and you will let him.
This does not sound like love to me, this is dysfunction.
"Is it time to move on or should I try to fix things?" Go back and read your post. Would you advise one of your friends to stay in a relationship like this?
What is there that you can fix? This guy is a player. He has to fix himself and he has no reason to because he knows you will allow him to play and sleep with you at the same time.

I'm not going to try and defend him totally for the wrong that he's done, but he didn't cheat on his ex with me. He left her for me. We never fooled around or anything for like 3 months after we were dating.

I don't know how I could sleep with him when he was with some other girl though. I never thought myself capable, but I was trapped by my feelings for him. Maybe I still am... :(

You are doing things that you know makes no sense. You say you are trapped by your feelings, well break loose. You need to realize that this relationship is not good for you. Do you honestly think this man respects you?

It is time to end this cycle. Get away from this guy so you can clear your head and begin to think straight.
I'll ask again, would you advise one of your friends to stay in a relationship like this one? I don't think you would.
The guy is a player and he will continue to play on you for as long as you allow it.

OK will if you are to leave, Just leave.
If you have any friends where you can live with for awhile till you get back in your feet will you can do that, or you can move back with your parents, that would really get your priority straight. Talk to all your friends and your family and let them know that you need them in your life and help you get through this break up.
Instead of talking about it just do it. I don't see any changes if you decide to talk to him, you've done that many times and he changes for a few days then he gets back to where he was, cheating, and hurting you.
For him to say its an ego boast, that's BS, you should have just slap him and left. I can't believe you will take all his Bull and still sleep with him, his not respecting you cause your not respecting yourself. You walk around thinking this is the best you can do, but you can do better we all can do better, we all deserve someone to treat us right, someone that can make us happy. Leave, leave, leave, cause nothing is going to change unless you leave him.
How many times have you been talking to him, telling him how you feel, but what does he give you in return, a women with children calling him hun.

No lie its going to be hard, really hard, but take it one day at a time. Don't be in contact with him, go straight to NC just leave and live your happiness.

Yeah, we're not living together right now. When we broke up the first time we each moved back with our folks for the summer, now we're living on campus.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunagin

Yeah, we're not living together right now. When we broke up the first time we each moved back with our folks for the summer, now we're living on campus.

That makes it easier. Make sure you have any of his belongings boxed up and give them to him along with telling him the relationship is over and that you will not have anymore contact with him than you have to (I realize that full No Contact can be difficult to achieve if you have mutual friends or are going to the same school, but try for it.)

I think you may find a boost to your own ego when you finally get out of an unhealthy relationship. It won't be easy, but I think once you start healing you will feel a lot better about yourself and the future.

Leaving him alone while you enjoy your own life would be the way to go. There is nothing to discuss that hasn't been discussed already, so what would be the point? Its been all you holding on to whatever you are holding on too, and no him at all. Just his body enjoying yours but no real lasting connection.

Quote:

I don't know how I could sleep with him when he was with some other girl though. I never thought myself capable, but I was trapped by my feelings for him. maybe I still am...

Since you see the problem, you can overcome it, by not being trapped by those feelings any longer. Sure it will suck, and hurt a lot to get beyond this experience, but you will, and be much happier for it. That's what will make you a better partner for some one that deserves a good mate, and appreciates you enough to want to make you happy.

Your current guy sure as hell doesn't even care, and seeks to make himself happy at your expense. You don't have to accept his bad behavior, you know, and frankly, that's all I see in him.

His ego boosting ways are immature BS!!

The guy sounds like a big lying douchebag. So he has cheated on you twice so far, and is actively seeking other women on dating sites, all while claiming that it's just an ego boost?

Really mature. I think you are being very naïve in the fact that you believe that if you keep forgiving him and threatening him that he will change and want to be with you. Wake up! He hasn't done it the last two times he banged those other girls, one of which was in your own bed! How disrespectful and sleazy.

You exhibit behavior of a person with really low self-esteem and self-respect. You're letting this POS walk all over you and get his rocks off with you any any other female he feels happy with (or horny with) at that moment of time. Don't deceive yourself in thinking this is a phase. He will leave you just as fast as he left his previous ex, except now he knows you won't leave him, so he just cheats then apologizes later and lies.

I don't see why you allow him to disrespect you like that. He is a class A jerk/cheater that you need to kick to the curb.

You want a relationship? Look somewhere else, because this isn't one.