I found a note to no one about me... my daughter says she hates me with every single cell in her body... it has violent words in it... it says I am a failure and I am to be pitied... yet in the same letter she says she hates herself because she loves me... her hatred seems to center around me as an individual... not any act I have committed... I don't know what I did wrong... she is a teen... straightline by choice... I am firm with her... she knows what concequence is... I enrage her when I don't agree with her perceptions and intellect... she mentions that... I mean I really really make her mad when my opinions differ... so much to the point that she writes letters to herself about me dying and wanting to kill me and how much she hates me... if it's a deeper offense I have no idea what it is... this kid has not been molested, rejected, deprived, abused, ingnored or any other horrible acts... she is straight A and B kid... everyday is a battle of will power... yeah she's disrespectful and mean... when she behaves that way she does not get anything from me... no favors... no money... no rides... no presents... I give her the little battles and stand strong on the life altering ones... but this kid of mine hates me on paper in a very deep violent way... what the hell did I do?. I don't get it... has anyone else written a hate filled violent letter about mom and why... has any mom been through this?

It maybe time for a heart to heart talk with her, asked her what you can do to help her through this time in her life, ask her what can she do the help you understand what going on in her life.

Tell her you what to understand what happening now.

Just a few thoughts.

I have seen such things occur between parent and child -- some with provocation by the parent and others not. Sometimes the provocation was incredibly subtle too. I felt similarly about my father at one time. I would not care to admit the dark thoughts I had then. The conflict lessoned as I gained more and more power over my life. It turns out he did provide the cause (most of it accidentally too, I believe). It contributed to how messed up my relationships with all men were for a time but it was so subtle that it took some professional help to figure out.

That you are aware of how bad things are going between you two is a good thing. If you cannot mend it on your own with her as suggested by Mr. Yet, I would strongly urge you to consult a professional. While teens do express some pretty exaggerated stuff as they grow in their independence from the parent, it really doesn't have to be that painful of a process for either one of you-- and it's the parent who has more responsibility and capability to do something about it, when it is. That my dad failed in that element of it was something we never managed to repair -- he was not the kind of man who could easily look at self or forgive (although he tried to portray that often, but portraying it and being it is really just the difference between denial and truth).

And so he sadly died estranged from me, despite the fact that I had forgiven him his failing. That may be some of what you risk if you ignore the red flags here, I think. The one that sticks out the most to me in some intuitive way is this: "i enrage her when i dont agree with her perceptions and intellect...."

If you do seek professional help, I would start with that one concern and go from there.

febreeze,

I feel like I have to apologise for the way this may sound. Are you happy? Are you living true to yourself? Kids can take a dislike to us if they think we are being phoney. Are you putting up with verbal or physical abuse? I think your daughter is reacting to something you are doing, probably something she doesn't fully understand. I feel if it was just something you did that upset her she would be openly angry with you, but she isn't - she is writing about how she feels. And it is probably making her feel very guilty. I agree that you need to sit and have a chat with her, allowing her to say whatever she wants, she has to get that anger out. No matter what she says try not to react, and let her know you are listening, even if you don't fully understand what she is trying to say.

I see what your saying but I am not being beaten or abused. We have a stable family no divorce,, no abuse,, good morales... I don't know what she is reacting to... she has a younger sister... Its easier said than done... she does not know I found the note... how do I start a conversation on a topic that I am not supposed to know about?

febreeze,

I once hated my mom, very deeply and I am not sure if I wrote it down... but I do tend to write down a lot of feelings. It seems as though your daughter is at a stage where she is trying to find herself and identify who she is. When she comes head to head with you and your opinions she is getting so aggrivated cause she feels she is right.

When you disagree with her, do you listen to her and let her voice her opinions? Do you let her talk or are you just shutting her out and telling her she doesn't know, she's too young... etc. I remember going through some times like that with my parents. Times where I just felt like I was old enough to make a choice for myself, I felt mature and I was responsible so why wouldn't they understand. They stood their ground, and while we battled it out I just couldn't understand how closed-minded they were. Years later, looking back I think they made the right decision as parents. I was young and I felt like I should be trusted... but at least they listened to me cry and scream my opinions... they even explained they understood how I felt, but that they just would not budge from their decision.

I would say be sure you are allowing your daughter to feel like she is being listened to. You may think she is wrong and doesn't know what she is talking about... but she still needs to know you suport her and her opinions. I always hated the 'cause I said so' line... wow that got me LIVID!

You sound like a strong mother, and I commend you for that, but maybe you could look into being a friend to her as well.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by febreeze

she does not know I found the note... how do I start a conversation on a topic that I am not supposed to know about?

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How, exactly, did you "find" the note? Did she leave it where you couldn't help seeing it, or were you looking where she would think you had no right to look? If the former, you're on a lot firmer ground to bring it up for discussion.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by febreeze

i found a note to no one about me....my daughter says she hates me with every single cell in her body...it has violent words in it...... it says i am a failure and i am to be pitied......yet in the same letter she says she hates herself because she loves me...her hatred seems to center around me as an individual....not any act i have committed....i dont know what i did wrong....she is a teen....straightline by choice....i am firm with her....she knows what concequence is....i enrage her when i dont agree with her perceptions and intellect..... as a matter of fact she mentions that......i mean i really really make her mad when my opinions differ....so much to the point that she writes letters to herself about me dieing and wanting to kill me and how much she hates me.....if its a deeper offense i have no idea what it is....this kid has not been molested, rejected, deprived, abused, ingnored or any other horrible acts....she is straight A and B kid...everyday is a battle of will power....yeah shes disrespectful and mean...when she behaves that way she does not get anything from me...no favors...no money...no rides...no presents.....i give her the little battles and stand strong on the life altering ones...but this kid of mine hates me on paper in a very deep violent way....what the hell did i do?...i dont get it....has anyone else written a hate filled violent letter about mom and why....has any mom been through this?

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Did you try talking with her about how she feels basically she acting like that because she is not being listened to or ignored. So maybe if you try talking with her it might work or you can see if she has any problems and check if that may trigger the way she is acting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by febreeze

I see what your saying but I am not being beaten or abused. We have a stable family no divorce,,,no abuse,,,good morales...I dont know what she is reacting to...she has a younger sister....Its easier said than done...she does not know I found the note... how do I start a conversation on a topic that I am not supposed to know about?

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Oh but you know about others things-- you said yourself that she becomes enraged when you disagree. I would guess that if you think objectively about it there are other signs you might see that indicates she is unhappy in her relationship with you or even just in general. And forgive me here... but since when do you need a note or an excuse to have an occasion where you talk about your relationship? That seems a little strange to me, as if you aren't using all the power you have as the adult in this situation. :confused:

Well she is very left thinking and I don't know how I raised a liberal mind but I think you guys are right... I constantly find myself correcting her on issues such as religion... friends... politics and sex... those are volitile issues... I hate admitting I've been wrong... I will give it a try and shut up and listen... thanks very much for the advice

our daughter, when 16, in a rage told us, on Christmas Day, that her mother was a terrible mother who wouldn't listen (translation = you don't agree with me) and that she absolutely hated spending any time with us.

ah. The teen years.

now, just four years older and at college, she is a different person. Actually 17 was better than 16, and 18 was better than 17.

gone now are the crazy days when shed ignore her mother for days on end, only to turn into a puddle of tears because her mother didn't pay her any attention.

my wife said that teens don't what you in their lives for the most part, and when they do want you, they want you NOW.

all I can say is that it did get better. Sometimes writing simply helps you express what you are feeling and sometimes it helps you understand what you are feeling. In one way, it lets her get her anger out without saying it to you.

do what you are doing. Demand respect. Draw lines. Listen. Let her know when you agree. See her more as moving into an adult mindset, even through the framework is still being laid.

when talking about religion or social issues or politics try to talk to her more as you would with a friend at work... be respectful, try to engage the conversation, and let her have the last word now and then if she needs it.

and let her know when you are wrong. Be glad that she's exploring challenging areas where you may not agree. At least she's being thoughtful and working to figure out who she is... and you get to be a part of that process.

"I once hated my mom, very deeply and I am not sure if I wrote it down...but I do tend to write down a lot of feelings. It seems as though your daughter is at a stage where she is trying to find herself and identify who she is. When she comes head to head with you and your opinions she is getting so aggravated cause she feels she is right." - s2tp


“well she is very left thinking and I don't know how I raised a liberal mind but I think you guys are right... I constantly find myself correcting her on issues such as religion... friends... politics and sex... those are volitile issues... I hate admitting I've been wrong... I will give it a try and shut up and listen... thanks very much for the advice” - febreeze


I agree with s2tp. And what you wrote above convinces me even more. Your daughter is struggling to be her authentic self. You are dictating her beliefs and opinions. She must be allowed to fine her own way.

Check the net for finding your 'Authentic Self'.

Question how do you know that your daughter was not abused or emotional abused somehow. You might not even know that it has happened and could have and results in her having these feelings when your so rigid with her. Just a thought, but honestly you do not know everything that your child has or has not gone through. You can not make that statement when you can not be 100 percent sure that it is true. Lots of children hide these kinds of things that has happened to them and they live with the guilt and pain of whatever was done. This causes much depression, thoughts, anger and so forth. Who is it taken out on, the closest people we are around. Like others have said. Heart to heart is needed and you need to talk to her and try to get the truth out. Be patient and have a listening ear without judgement, without sterness but with understanding. If she does not feel these things from you then it will be hard for her to come to you when she is mad, or if something happened that she wants to share with you. Let her do the talking, be understanding and see if she opens up to you.

Joe

First of all, I went through a similar thing with my son. He wrote on his internet site that he wished he were "no longer here."I had his access codes, and he knew I could get into his site, so it was not a big surprise to him when confronted.

The fact is, in my house, privacy is not more important than safety. The internet is a very unsafe place for a lot of teens. He was deeply depressed. I never saw it written that he hated me, but he sure acted like it at times... and said so at times when angry.

I took him into counselling. There were a lot of issues that I will not go into now, too lengthy and do not pertain to this situation. What was like your daughter was that he was not abused, was not doing drugs or drinking or smoking and he made good grades. Still, I felt that these feelings of his could be potentially dangerous. Guess what? He liked the counsellor. I suppose, the best part for him was, the counselor told him he didn't have to discuss their meetings with me. It drove me crazy, but the most important thing for our family was my son getting better.

One thing I did to offset his feelings was to pray with him often. When I took him to school, I prayed for his relationships, his grades and for his life to turn out wonderfully. I prayed aloud for my precious son to hear. He liked that I did this. He felt loved and blessed.

That situation happened a few years ago. My son is now 20 and still living at home. He is in college, and still is straight laced, still making good grades and on occasion has a temper outburst. They are very infrequent compared to his younger years. His biggest problem at this point... immaturity.

I heard an excellent sermon recently. A man fought with his daughter daily about her breaking curfew and coming home drunk on a regular basis. The fights were loud and upsetting and both father and daughter were at an impass. The man continued to pray to God for answers. One day he felt God saying, "Why don't you love her?", to which the man replied, "I DO love her," Then again, the man heard, "Why not LOVE her?" This the man finally understood.

Upon his daughter's return from her late night partying, the man greeted her with a big hug and a hot cup of coffee to sober her up. He gently tucked her into her bed, and prayed for her aloud and told his daughter he adored her with a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Well, he continued this behavior time after time, and slowly, his daughter's behavior changed. She eventually stopped breaking curfew and stayed sober. The power of blessing our children is something incredible. Love will find a way.

I love that story. It shows the power of love to a child. Patience and understanding. How power of prayer, answers to prayers and changes happen with love.

(;

Yea, Jesushelper, it made me want to hug my big ole six foot tall son a lot more. I do apply that one a lot as I have basically got no real control anymore and he DOES lives with me. We have an awasome relationship now, and he hasn't said he hates me in a very long time. Teens are SOOOO dramatic!! LOL

One time I got the old double flip of the birdie in the front yard about four years ago. Was screaming at the top of his lungs, too. It was late, so I think he woke the neighbors. May have considered moving, but he would probably have just done the same thing at our NEW home. Raising our young isn't for the weak at heart. Good luck at the teen years are ahead of you. I am praying for you. Tee hee. Remember: LOTS OF PRAYER!

Yes, lots of prayer indeed. Oh, the teenage years. Can not wait. Thanks for letting me look forward to something great. :rolleyes:

Roger that, Jesushelper. Actually the great days far outnumbered the bad. (silly smirk). Later bro.

I had somewhat the same as your daughter did with you with my mom... but my mom was with guy that adused me and never let me do anything so I hated my mom for that but after mom and that guy broke up our relationship turned around she is my best friend and I love her... all you need to do is spend time with her even through she made give you a hard time about it deep down she will enjoy... take her to the movies let her in your life as a teen and then she might let you in... work with her and see what happens if that work then you need to get so help...