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My grown son continually borrows money, child support, fees, gas, food, and makes up lies for money. He never pays us back. He is ADD and I am sure Bipolar. He cares about no one but himself. His kids he has about an hour patience with. When they come over I watch them. How do I cut the ties with him, and make him man up. I am so tired of taking care of him and his children too. The children are helpless but he wants to be a kid with no responsibilities. Please help... I am just beat down.
If you believe he is bipolar and not treated you persuade him to consult with a Physician - this is a treatable medical condition.
If this is simply his personality you tell him what you've posted here and you stop helping him. You simply practice tough love and walk away.
If his children are being or will be neglected, then you notify the authorities and provide PROOF of your allegations.
It is easy to stop him from borrowing money, you say no, you don't give him another penny
If you continue to help him with money, gas and food, then you're aiding him in this behavior. It's time to stop.Quote:
Originally Posted by Momworn
He's a grown man, you are no longer responsible to take care of him, so just say no and leave him to figure it out, it's about time he does.
If he has medical issues then he needs to be seen by a doctor, that's not your responsibility, it's his.
If you're worried about your grandkids then instead of giving your son money, try sending food or buying clothes for them so they're taken care of. That's an option, but again, not your responsibility, but like you said, they are innocent in all of this.
The hope is that he starts to take on his duties as a father and as a provider and that you can maintain some kind of relationship with him. It won't be easy. I'm sure he'll be resentful if you stop helping him, but he needs to grow up and it's long past time for him to do so.
Good luck.
Cut him off.
As long as the bank is open, he is going to make unsecured loans, with no payment plan.
Those kids are HIS, let him learn how to stand on his own two legs.
Tough love is tough on both sides, but it's always best in the long run.
God bless you for the trouble.
Does your son live with you? Does he work? What is your relationship with is ex.
I think as has been suggested, you stop allowing yourself to be used. As long as you take it, he's going to keep dishing it.
You aren't doing him any favours whatsoever. Why won't you let him grow up.
If you are on friendly terms with his ex, why not do what was suggested, and pick up the odd thing that you think the kids might need, and pack it with their stuff when they go home to their mother.
How old is he?
Thanks for all of your suggestions. To add to this their Mom is irresponsible too. I use to send money, but she would get her nails done and no milk in the house. My son also was in jail for stealing for 4 years and lived with me when he got out. My husband and I both took care of the kids while he was gone and some of the time while Mom has tried to grow up. Both of the parents look out for themselves 1st. Sad but true. I see the ex all the time, because I take the kids to ball games and anything else I can help with. I have always feared he could get locked up and it would destroy the children. They don't know that yet. They are only 5 & 8. The day will come when he has to explain. He became a Dad at 19 and has continually jumped from one place to the next. The ex does the same. She has moved 5 times in a year. I am the only steady person in their life. The state doesn't care what the parents do. They just don't unless one of them is violently hurt. Emotional doesn't count. My grandson alone has missed 13 days of school and been tardy 14 times. I had hoped their Dad would step up to the plate but that hasn't happened. I have to say my husband and I both worked, took care of them, and gave them a stable life. I don't know what went wrong.
The influence you have over your grandchildren, and the stability, is a precious gift to them. Despite everything, your influence will guide them, where their parents' has not.
With them being the way they are, it doesn't sound like either of them are ready to be parents. Maybe someday they will, but for now, I guess all you can do is look out for the children's well being.
As to your son, If he were mine, I would remove that expectation he has that you are his personal banker, and tell him straight up, the buck stops here. No more loans, no matter how desperate he makes things sound. He needs to grow up, and as long as you enable him not to, he will likely remain as he is now.
When you stop giving him child support money for his ex, and she takes him to court, he will have to face a consequence right there.
If he is living at home, I would give notice that you expect him out and on his own in a month's time. Your days of parenting a parent, should be over. While it may be difficult to do, again, you are doing him no favours in not allowing him to make his own way. It might just motivate him to better himself.
You are entitled to your peace and quiet, and it sure sounds to me like you deserve it. I hope you find the courage to make some major changes.
Thank you! He moved out 3 weeks ago and I already converted, that way there is no room. I am so ready for some peace, every time the phone rings, or a police car goes by I panic. I hate living on the edge.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
I let him know, no more money, I am not going to be used as ATM. I will only extend myself to my grandchildren because they love and need me. He is now signing for the National Guard. This may be the boot he needs.
Already something positive happening! Great news.
You are doing the right thing, not a doubt in my mind.
Stay strong. Eventually your home will feel the way it should- peaceful and stress free.
I would be doing exactly the same as you.
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