My wife of 15 years (ive known her for 18yrs) announced two weeks ago that she has had enough and isn't sure if she wants to be married to me anymore.

We have two kids (11 and 9) and just purchased a larger "fixer upper" home last July after living in our first home for 11 years.

She rightfully has told me that the way I handle anger/rejection/hurt has worn her down to the point that she no longer is in Love with me. Right now our house is half torn apart, no flooring in the living spaces, half stucco on the outside, unfinished ceilings and a yard that we stopped watering because we had plans for changing it. In short If we try to sell the house now we will probably lose most of the equity we had accumulated for 11 years.

Our kids have finally found a place that they are happy to come home to. Large yard, lots of hide and go seek. Swimming pool and Trampoline. In short this home was going to be the sanctuary that we had been working so hard for for so many years. Its expensive enough where I cannot support my wife living there with my kids and then pay for my own residence elsewhere.

Ive never physically hurt any of my family members. I just respond to frustration and emotional isolation with an over expression of anger. I have acknowledged it and began counseling for it last week. Ive been reading books about it that hit WAY too close to home. I acknowledge I need help. I also have to remind myself that I have done LOTS of good for my wife and kids. Lots of love and devotion to make them comfortable and happy.

My wife understands the huge impact it will have on all our lives if we split up our household. She has no plan or vision of what she wants her future life to be like. Based on what she is telling me the only thing she is missing is feeling like she is respected. I can fix that.

She isn't sure she wants to give me that chance. Right now she just tells me... why don't we just see what happens over time and see if she gets that spark back. For now she essentially has put me on trial and I feel like there is a test I must pass. Even if I pass the test I will still have the possibility of having my life, home, kids ripped out from under me.

Its really hard to be the positive, kind and empathetic person she wants when I am under tremendous stress to do all the right things. She won't hold my hand... won't even attempt to be affectionate in any way. There wasn't any major incident that caused the blow up... she just said it was years and years of gradually feeling less in love with me that finally broke her.

So essentially she hasn't been forthright with me for so long that I am trying to undo years of depression and deflated emotions from her in a matter of weeks/months.

She isn't very open to counseling and on our first visit she replied to many of the counselors questions with "I dont know"..

Not sure what to do. My kids and I are sad and overwhelmed.

It's going to take more than a couple of sessions. If she is going, you two still have a chance. If she is going, that is a step. Hang in there.

It will take time for you to change, and she is not allowing herself to believe that, after 11 years, you can, or will do it.

To cope with the problems you have admitted to for so long, has taken its toll on her, and it most likely seems to her to be too little, too late.

What is at stake here is not the house, and the money that will be lost if it is sold, what is at stake here is your life, your marriage, and your family.

Concentrate on only staying on the one path to change your behaviour, and do everything you can to be a better person, husband and father.

I'm not saying you are a bad guy, not in the least. We all have problems. What causes relationships to end is not trying, or trying hard enough, or long enough, to really see changes through to a permanent way of life.

That she is going to counselling is huge. She has not given up all hope.

I understand that the house and money shouldn't be the in the equation but unfortunately having a basic standard of living is a necessity in our society and stressful financial conditions never seem to help the other parts of our lives. Its not just about the house... it's the sanctuary that gives everyone in my family comfort. My next appointment with her is next week. Im hopeful that she will have an open mind and realize that although I have things to work on... its an issue that involves BOTH of us and some of the issues are hers to admit. Our intimacy has been a problem for a long time and I have felt rejection for years. Not sure what comes next...

I felt like I had one small breakthrough on Sunday. I point blank asked her... you say that you will TRY and see if you regain that spark with me. I asked... Are you really trying? She replied... NO.

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Originally Posted by monkenbiker

I felt like I had one small breakthrough on Sunday. I point blank asked her... you say that you will TRY and see if you regain that spark with me. I asked... Are you really trying? She replied... NO.

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Its sad to say but in reality people do fall out of love.
It is not a blame game,it just happens and no one is to blame.

The question may be do you want to try?

Is she trying now ,no ,she has given up.Will she try again and is there any way to salvage your marriage.These are the questions that need answers.

I would show her everyday that you are trying and ask her what exactly she wants and needs from you now.

She sounds as if she has emotionally distanced herself from you and she may not be willing to backtrack for fear you will fall into the same old patterns.

Continue talking.Be real and try to understand where she is coming from.
It's tough and it may have taken a long time for her to get to this point and it will take time for it to change,if at all.

In the end, you can't stop her from filing for divorce, and the money side of it, will be what it is.

The stress of moving and trying to live in a home you are remodeling is even worst

Counseling can take months to start making head way

After 15 years of the "same old, same old", with her probably telling you that changes needed to happen WELL before this year--do you really EXPECT her to just jump for joy and reach for you with open arms now that you are TRYING to change?

And frankly, as far as the intimacy goes: It's REALLY hard to be in the mood with someone who was yelling at me earlier in the evening/yesterday/all weekend/whatever. It's ALSO really hard to open up to that person and TALK about what's going on in your head---because they're just going to yell at you, be angry, shout, and while they're doing all of THAT--they're not actually listening to what YOU feel. Can you HONESTLY say she never tried to talk to you about it where you just listened to her, open-minded, and thought about HER feelings?

She's waiting for the other shoe to drop, and she's waiting for you to fail. I'm betting that you've promised to change in the past, but didn't get serious about it until she told you that she was done and was leaving.

Keep doing what you can--going to counseling, with and without her, and keep doing the best you can to show her that you are working on changing. But please realize that she has 15 years of reality to base her feelings on--not a month or so of trying to change.

Maybe the counseling would benefit from separate sessions with each of you and then joint sessions. Your wife might be more forthcoming without you in the room.

How about dating her again? Would she be open to that? Of course, you would have to turn over a new leaf and not only romance her like you did in the beginning but also make your improved behavior a permanent thing.

New information yesterday. I finally listed to my therapist who thought she was seeing another man... I looked at the past 6 months of cell phone records and found two numbers... one was his cell and one was his work number. She calls him or he calls her upwards of 10 times per day every single day since the beginning of the year. 3 hour long calls at 3am in the morning while me and the kids are sleeping. Calls at midnight just HOURS before I was wheeled into the hospital for back surgery last February. He lives 500 miles away... and she claims he is just a friend helping her through a difficult time but Ive never heard of this guy. Apparently she thought that a broker at Merril Lynch and former high school chum was worth pouring out all her emotions to while I was waiting in bed for her to come and talk to me.. she is denying everything despite putting phone records right in her face.

For your own sake, I think you stop looking for excuse and reasons she has distanced herself from you and make the changes it takes to make you a better person.

Since you seem unable to feel your part in all this disconnect, and how far its gone, then you need to really make a list of what's needed on your part and just worry about that.

It seems that some frustrated impulsive behavior has led you down the wrong path and your partner is tired of it. Deal with that, and work on yourself, regardless of if its to late or not, or finding out things that PIZZ you off and think are so bad, or unfair.

Geez guy, what do you expect a human being to do when faced with such a situation?? I know what I would do, were I you, I would change the way I interacted with my love ones, and find better ways to handling my business.

Whether this marriage survives, I would still make sure if it failed, it was not from a lack of the right efforts, or actions.

It's a bit late to be snooping, or accusing. See how you got in this mess, to see how you get out. Not how others have had to cope with it.

I found the hotel bill in her name while she was on a trip recently. The hotel was 3 blocks from where he works... its all starting to make a lot more sense now.


I love how harsh all of you are on me... this is awesome therapy. I am only addressing anger issues because she told me that's what the problem was... now I realize that she is using that issue to disguise the real reason she is distancing herself from me. If I told all of you that I had an affair would everyone be responding with support for me because she was boring in bed... or would I be vilified because she will always be identified as the victim. The day my kids were born... I was no longer required for affection or emotional bond in my house. The three of them are a team and I am just the guy who pays for everything. Ive been emotionally isolated for over 10 years... when I hurt I don't cry... I get angry... it's a disguise for me being crushed by those who I thought loved me.

Actually, we would have been responding with disgust for you for having an affair---because you'd be breaking your vows to do it. "Boring in bed" is not an excuse for disregarding your vows.

Likewise, your wife isn't exactly on my sympathetic side because she's having an affair.

I still suggest that you continue to go to counseling, and with your wife if at all possible. An affair isn't always a marriage ender--but you BOTH need to be open about what you're willing to do and forgive for your marriage to work.

I do want to add that it's good that you're working on your anger issues anyway. You should be able to express your hurt in a more constructive way than anger, anyway.

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I was no longer required for affection or emotional bond in my house. The three of them are a team and I am just the guy who pays for everything. Ive been emotionally isolated for over 10 years

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What does your wife have to do with how YOU treat your kids??

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I treat my kids fine. My kids are both great students and all their teachers claim they are balanced happy kids

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That wasn't the question. The question was; What does your wife have to do with how YOU treat your kids???, so you could clarify this statement,

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I was no longer required for affection or emotional bond in my house. The three of them are a team and I am just the guy who pays for everything. Ive been emotionally isolated for over 10 years

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It is pretty obvious that she's having an affair, and while you are running around like a chicken with its head cut off, she's hopping in the sack with an old beau.

That changes everything.

Nobody is a cause of anybody elses' infidelity, and it is totally unfair to blame a spouse for being the cause of it.

There are so many things she could have done, as we all know, after the fact. She could have told you that if you and her didn't attend marriage counselling and make changes in your marriage, then it would be over. I think that you probably would have complied.

She could have made an effort to communicate her needs better. If she was so unhappy that she secretely solved her problems by having an affair, she could have put that effort into concentrating on you, and you and her.

Somehow a cheater goes into this very selfish place, and is unconscious for short periods. While they are with their lover, they are in a place where no work or commitment is involved. They don't have to think about their spouse working on marriage problems, or how the moment will eventually have long term consequences. No need to feel responsible, because she feels entitled! She needs this because you somehow forced her into that place.

I say bullocks.

You must feel terribly betrayed, taking on so much of the responsibility for fixing your marriage, while she contemplates next Friday night at the OK Motel.

While the information is hard to digest, now that there is actual, identifiable reasons for her marriage coming in second place, what are you going to do now.

I told her that I still care very much for her and that even though I feel betrayed... what hurts the most is that I was willing to give her the emotional support she was getting from him... she just needed to ask.

Im far from perfect and understand much of her reasons for being fed up with me... but there is a LOT of good in me too. I will do whatever I can to help us both and in turn help our kids. We have so much to lose and really nothing to gain if this becomes a divorce.. my fingers are crossed for making a different in her life

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Originally Posted by monkenbiker

Ive been emotionally isolated for over 10 years... when I hurt I dont cry... I get angry... its a disguise for me being crushed by those who I thought loved me.

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I don't agree with her having an affair, even and emotional one. However, don't let that give you permission to duck out on taking responsibility for your anger issues. It sounds like your reactions were ingrained long before you got married. Work on them because you understand that you are hurting yourself and those around you by closing yourself off with a wall of negative feelings in an attempt to not be hurt emotionally.

From your own words, it sounds like you have been isolating yourself by reacting with anger when you feel hurt or upset.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

From your own words, it sounds like you have been isolating yourself by reacting with anger when you feel hurt or upset.

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Your response runs consistent with much that I have read online and in books. That I will really never be supported and will always have some primary responsibility for both her actions AND mine. I wonder how men with these issues ever get better when they are told from all sides that her behavior is my fault AND my behavior is my fault.

I don't think she said that or meant that.
But my take on it is, you may have facilitated her behavior but she is responsible for the choice she made.
You also are responsible for the role you played.

If you mistreat someone to the point they turn to someone else, it is their choice and the wrong is on them. But you are also responsible for the way you treated the person to steer them in that direction.