My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me I was gutted then he decided to try again but 3 weeks later he dumped me again I just don't know what to do for the best. He said he begged me to change but I didn't. We lived together for a year and a half. I can't stop crying even in work. I miss him loads and want him in my life again.

What needed to be "changed",please?

And was HE perfect in every way?

To be honest I really don't know what needed to be changed. And he was not perfect in every way. I just don't understand how he can do this to me after 4 years. Thanks for the reply.

Taken from,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html, written by Ash123.


After a time on this site and some significant personal relationships, I've compiled a short list of essentials for those suffering in the throes of a break-up. I hope this can provide a guide for the pain we all have had to endure (and can even benefit from).

1) Be cool.

If you are the breakee (and most people on this site are) and you realize you are being cut loose... let the white heat and noise in your body and soul stay inside. The breakee is likely anticipating the worst and unless you have caught them cheating, hold your tongue and listen. You see, if you want to get back with this person, the impression you leave at a dramatic moment counts a lot. The breaker will feel guilt and doubt following the break up. They will not be sure if they have done the right thing. Let them stew.

2. Leave them thinking.

As you listen and suffer in the sudden pain of rejection, think of a golden moment in your relationship. Something that you both considered a high point. If your relationship is not totally dysfunctional, that time may have only been one rough patch away. Is it worth mentioning casually? If so, just make it the last thought they have.

3. Give.

It is human nature to go back to what makes us feel good and what we know. If you can give love at this moment - even if just in a touch or a smile - it is powerful. Why are they letting this go?? They wonder.

4. Survival Mode.

Now begins the well-known No Contact period. No texts, no calls, no letters, no emails, no stop-bys... This is for you. And for them. For you it is protection and stops the cycle of waiting and wondering. For them, it shows them that they must live with their choice. And the LESS you do, the MORE power you have.

5. Silence is golden.

If you maintain silence then you put all the pressure on your Ex. No easy let downs. By doing less, you do so much more. And it lets them think about what they lost. Every break in silence before your Ex reaches you lowers your value. The work you did was IN your relationship. Whatever you did will now pay (or not pay) dividends. It is what will fill their head as they go through their day. (Note: If your EX left you for someone else, then you must go silent right away. Skip 1-3. This relationship is likely over and should be unless well, your EX has... well, an incredible explanation.)

6. "How long do I go silent?"

Forever. What this means is that unless your Ex contacts you, you should stay silent.
Many EX's circle back. And when they do, wait! Wait and think.
Ask yourself: Do I even WANT to get back with this person? Is it a relationship I want? Was there willingness to part a natural human response to learning about themselves and you, or was it callous and thoughtless? The period of silence before a "circle back" could be 2 days or GULP (2 years). If your Ex re-establishes contact and your relationship had a lot of good communication to begin with - you might find that friendship can be an Ok alternative and downpayment on a later more-serious time for you - as long as it is on your terms and time schedule - maybe even after you have another person in your life.

7. When do I panic?

Never. Every break you do this way makes you a better lover and closer to getting Mr. or Mrs. Right... If you chase or plea or beg you may get him/her back but in the long run it is a fissure that will always be there. Many of the happiest people I know had at least one "test-break" and then got serious. They spoke after a break at some appropriate point and had no agendas, just a realization that humans need to process things and that they were ready. The Breaker does have the responsibility to prove they are more committed - and again, the breakee has less pressure in this dynamic... so enjoy the role of entitlement for a while - but don't be mean.

8. If I re-unite with my Ex, how do I do it?

Don't hold a grudge. If you are going to go "another round" don't sabotage yourself by going back with revenge or bitterness... Instead, communicate. A lot.
Make it clear what hurt and what you want to work on. If this person has real potential
they will be excited about finding out what makes you tick and what makes you happy.
And you should do the same.

9. If I feel like I want to die, how do I survive 1-8?

Time. Time is a powerful thing. Get a calendar. 90 days is your goal.
Cross the days off... and better yet, write the emotions of the day in the box as you desire... write what you feel about your EX when you wish. You will see the adjectives change over time and you may be surprised to see that over time the intensity changes.
If you were married or in a relationship for a long time (5 years+)... you may need an entire calendar. Factor about 2 months per year. If you need more than one calendar, or cannot sleep or eat predictably for more than 3 months, I heartily suggest a good therapist. (Note: A General practitioner M.D. can suggest one if a friend cannot).

10. So, what is the goal of all this work?

The right person for you is the one that makes your life better and whom you wish to make their life better. The right person is one that HAS YOUR BACK! If they do not, and/or you do not have theirs, then you are chasing pain, and preparing for your future offspring to live in pain.
That's pathetic. Look at your friends? Are they loyal and hardworking and care about who you are and what you feel - and are there for you - especially in a crisis? If so, you are emphasizing character and laying a life foundation. And your partner can be all that and MORE!

Breaks CAN actually heal us for the better, as long as we fight to get the best of them. That's the challenge of life. How do we handle adversity?? If you handle it well, you are a rare person and are guaranteed great things. It's NOT EASY. I hope the 1-10 will make it a little easier. If you have to rush right to #4 it's OK. Just get yourself to as sane a place as you can handle ASAP.

Thank you for that advice, I will try to stick by these rules. The only thing is he still contacts me like he normally would, I turned my phone off this morning but he rung my work phone to speak to me.

Respectfully tell him that you are trying to heal from the break up and would rather him not call anymore. If he cannot respect your boundaries, then tell your boss or who ever fields your calls. If that doesn't work, hang up.

Four years is a long time to invest in a relationship, only to be told 'you have to change', without explanation. And then he bails on you, and doesn't have the decency to leave you alone.

If he had wanted to, the first breakup could have resulted in maybe some healing, talking, counselling, etc. so that the second breakup may not have happened.

It is strange that he is 'begging you to change' as you said, but supplies no information to back this up.

I don't know which is harder- living with someone you don't understand and who doesn't communicate well, or just letting him go completely.

Only you can determine that. But, after treating you the way he did, in my book, that would be enough to move on.

Four years into a relationship and he wants you to change? I'm sorry, but that just doesn't make any sense. I might not be going through the same thing as you, and I might not have a lot of experience with long lasting relationships, but I wouldn't talk to him for quite a while. And to be honest, someone who told me to change just wouldn't be worth my time anymore.

If it's change he wants, I would want him to find it elsewhere.

No woman should be told that in her life time. Most women are scared to be themselves around men because they're scared as to how they'll react.

But with him calling you and trying to contact you, that would be enough for me to just move on slowly.

Either that, or keep him wondering for a while.

Good luck!

I guess I would ask what change, were you using drugs, getting drunk, cheating on him, there are some things that perhaps need to be changed at times in a relationship.

If he was upset over minor issues that is different.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by guttedgirl123

my boyfriend of 4 years dumped me i was gutted then he decided to try again but 3 weeks later he dumped me again i just don't know what to do for the best. He said he begged me to change but i didn't. We lived together for a year and a half. I can't stop crying even in work. I miss him loads and want him in my life again.

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Why did he dump you the first time? When he begged you to change what is it he was wanting you to do?
Apart from that. He dumped you twice in a month. He has no right to bug you on your job with phone calls. He has no right to contact you at all.
I know you said you were hurting but stand up for yourself. Break all contact with him until you are not feeling so desperate.