My b/f and his 12 year old son stayed over at my house this weekend with myself and my 2 daughters ages 10 & 11. We have been dating seriously for almost 4 months and this weekend, his son had his new cell phone which he spent the majority of the time texting his friends who live in a different city. Unfortunately this am, my b/f snooped through his messages and we were both shocked to read one that stated "my father is dating the biggest ever!" I was so taken aback I broke down and cried. This boy has ADHD, is extremely intelligent, super moody and spoiled with material items. I have felt for a long time now that I am walking on egg shells around this boy, he can make everyone in the room feel uncomfortable with his black moods. Am I taking this way too personally? I absolutely love my b/f whom I believe is an amazing dad, but I think this child is getting out of control. He had the police at his moms house this week for pulling out a knife on a girl at the playground.. it was all chalked up to "12 yr old boys often carry pocket knives and he would never really hurt anyone". I am so uncomfortable that my initial reaction was to leave the situation (relationship) and now I am not sure how normal this is. Thanks for any help given.

It is difficult to be either a stepmother or a stepchild. A lot of children tell their natural parents that they hate them - I'm not saying I approve of that. I'm just saying that it happens. Maybe he thinks if you vanish his father and mother will reconcile. Maybe he doesn't know what his place in the family is.

I absolutely would not live with either my late husband or my "new" husband (both of whom have children) until we were married nor would I allow his children to see us spending the night together. I can't preach one set of behavior and live another. I never met even met either set of children as other than someone "Dad" was dating until we became serious - and then I was the girlfriend, preparing to be the wife. I will also mention that I knew my late husband something like 9 weeks before we married so we moved fast!

A 4 month relationship is not a long relationship when it comes to stayovers with the children. How many other women has your boyfriend dated and introduced to his children?

However - the knife incident would concern me. Was he taken for counselling? The Police are most definitely not mental health professionals and I do not believe that 12 year old boys carry pocket knives and use them to frighten girls in playgrounds.

The other side of this is if you dislike this child or think you could dislike this child, maybe you should speak to a professional.

What does your boyfriend/the father say?

I also believe no one should snoop unless they are prepared for what they find. Why did your boyfriend share this information with you?

Which parent is supplying the boy with all these material items? Are they substitutes for the love (and boundaries) he isn't getting otherwise?

Is he on medication?

How does your boyfriend explain to you all this bad behavior?

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It is difficult to be either a stepmother or a stepchild. A lot of children tell their natural parents that they hate them - I'm not saying I approve of that. I'm just saying that it happens. Maybe he thinks if you vanish his father and mother will reconcile. Maybe he doesn't know what his place in the family is.

I absolutely would not live with either my late husband or my "new" husband (both of whom have children) until we were married nor would I allow his children to see us spending the night together. I can't preach one set of behavior and live another. I never met even met either set of children as other than someone "Dad" was dating until we became serious - and then I was the girlfriend, preparing to be the wife. I will also mention that I knew my late husband something like 9 weeks before we married so we moved fast!

A 4 month relationship is not a long relationship when it comes to stayovers with the children. How many other women has your boyfriend dated and introduced to his children?

However - the knife incident would concern me. Was he taken for counselling? The Police are most definitely not mental health professionals and I do not believe that 12 year old boys carry pocket knives and use them to frighten girls in playgrounds.

The other side of this is if you dislike this child or think you could dislike this child, maybe you should speak to a professional.

What does your boyfriend/the father say?

I also believe no one should snoop unless they are prepared for what they find. Why did your boyfriend share this information with you?

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Thanks for the responses, both are helpful. I have known my boyfriend for 20 yrs since we are from same small town, we re-united 4 months ago. The mother's idea of parenting is buying him everything under the sun, and she can afford it.. he is going on his 2nd Disney cruise with her in Sept. He is all about clothing, material.. myself and his father DO actual activities with the kids (biking, mini golf, movies, hikes etc). This boy is on meds during the week for ADHD otherwise he would be out of control in the classroom but I have never seen such darkness in a child. It scares me. I have tried to be empathetic and understand how our relationship affects him but seems dad is delusional and thinks he is such a good boy and I am over-reacting. I do believe he has the propensity to destroy what we are trying to build together and that scares me. And yes, both dad and I agree we should not have snooped into cell phone :(

Well, you have clear eyes when it comes to this problem - and I absolutely admire that.

Maybe you should talk to a professional to try to sort this out. I agree. This child has a dark side and, yes, it would scare me, too.

You don't need to hear this but a friend of mind dated a divorced man with children. His son (who also played with knives) stabbed her cat.

Yes, the dark side would frighten me.

I agree with Judy, and consider the boy's behaviour a red flag.

That both your boyfriend and his mother don't seem to see the obvious (even when things happen i.e. the police and the knife at school), does not bode well either.

I am curious if anything is balancing this child other than medication. Have the parents both cooperated with instructions and learning about autism, and how to manage his special needs? If they haven't, and continue to think his behaviour is 'normal', then indeed, as he grows older, the problems will likely get worse in my opinion.

Not to mention they are really short changing him, if he is not getting the professional help he needs.

Until you know more about how his parents are handling him, and what professional contacts they have in place, It might be a good idea not to have him over to your home. I think you might feel better if you knew how he was handled in his home, and his mothers home first.

It sort of surprises me that he didn't give you any information before he came over, on his son's behaviour, and what he does to discipline him for example. Maybe he wanted to present him in the best possible light?

I hope you'll post again with more information.

I have known this boy since we have begun dating and his behavior has not been a secret. I believe the father is parenting out of guilt (over-compensating) and feels he doesn't want to spend the few days a month together alienating his only child. He doesn't have autism he has ADHD. He is on heavy meds all week long and taken off them during the weekend which in my opinion could cause some withdrawals. We have just been talking exhaustively about the subject and there seems to be fear of abandonment from the son which I completely understand. He has had his father's undivided attention until I arrived on scene, and any hope of him and his mother re-uniting is out the door (I think all children wish to see their parents back together). As far as what occurs in the maternal home, I can only guess, but it would not be fair of me to bash on the mother because seems to me this boy is displaying behavioral problems in every aspect of his life (school, home, peers). Initially I thought I would just bolt from the relationship, but realistically I think now it wouldn't matter if I was Mother Theresa he would still have the same feelings.
I truly appreciate the comments as I am new to this :)

I am sorry, I thought I read autism, my apologies.

I think you are thinking very clearly, and very fairly in regard to all people involved here, and I agree, that after what you last post said, that he'd be the same regardless of who you were.

I agree with your concerns about the heavy medication. Seems odd to me that he'd be on it Monday to Friday, and off them for the weekend. Maybe his dad can toss a few questions over to the prescribing Doctor.

In the meanwhile, you and your boyfriend communicate well, and all you can do that I can see for now, is learn all you can about his son, and take things slowly.

Instinct tells me that you'd be a very good influence in this boy's life.

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Originally Posted by lostinguelph

I believe the father is parenting out of guilt (over-compensating) and feels he doesn't want to spend the few days a month together alienating his only child.

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Children want rules, and they want those rules (and their parents) to be consistent. Not having rules is scary for a child.

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He is on heavy meds all week long and taken off them during the weekend

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This is wrong on so many levels, especially medically. Major damage is being done to this boy if meds are being handled this way. Does the prescribing doctor know this?

Thanks Jake2008.. this helped me sort things out, I can honestly say I was in extremely unfamiliar territory as of this morning. I am a mother of daughters, have NO experience with boys and could not easily decipher what was "normal" boy behavior. I am not big on labels ADD, ADHD, etc etc, but it truly is a factor in this situation. You are right, I think it may be best to take things slowly and try to understand HIM.. he is still a child.

I see you are near Guelph, a University town.

Might be all kinds of resources available there to learn more about the ADHD and tips on how to manage him.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Children want rules, and they want those rules (and their parents) to be consistent. Not having rules is scary for a child.

This is wrong on so many levels, especially medically. Major damage is being done to this boy if meds are being handled this way. Does the prescribing doctor know this?

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EXACTLY.. the father and I would both agree to this, however the mom has custody and she calls the shots in this dept. The father never wanted the ADHD to be handled by meds alone but he has lost that "right" to say what is best for his son.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I see you are near Guelph, a University town.

Might be all kinds of resources availalbe there to learn more about the ADHD and tips on how to manage him.

Good luck.

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Thanks.. yes lots of resources available, but patience might be the most challenging:)

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Originally Posted by lostinguelph

EXACTLY..the father and I would both agree to this, however the mom has custody and she calls the shots in this dept. The father never wanted the ADHD to be handled by meds alone but he has lost that "right" to say what is best for his son.

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I take it the mom has decided to give the boy a "drug holiday" every weekend. It's hard to believe a doctor would suggest that. Does she know that it takes a few days for his body to adjust to the drugs again when he gets them on Monday? His body must be so confused.

Is he impulsive with absolutely no concern with consequences? I'm thinking of everyone's safety.

I agree with Jake. You seem very centered and have honest concern about the boy. Can your boyfriend regain his parental rights somehow?

Thx Wondergirl. Again I agree with what you are saying. I can't imagine what these mind altering drugs are doing to him by taking him off every weekend. The mother has used the court system to her full advantage and then some during their messy divorce. That's a whole other ball of wax, I personally have never heard of anyone being so capable of such malice (on her part). My b/f is just desperately trying to be a good father, god forbid he was to ever "suggest" anything to the mother. In her world there is one way of doing things.. the wrong way or her way. It's sad because the boy WILL suffer.. we can see it happening.