Ask Me Help Desk - Her ex-boyfriend won't stop talking to her.

Okay, so I've been daiting my girlfriend for 9 months now. Everythings fine. We've been through some stuff, but we always pull through and still together. I'm pretty much in love with her, she is my first love and I love it. I love everything about her. She loves me too. And we have plans for the future and all that stuff.

The problem is, every since we've been together, she has always talked to her ex boyfriend. Through myspace and in rare times he calls her, and I don't know if she has ever called him. It bothers me. Because he was her first love and they dated for about a year. She did everything with him. I also feel like I was just a rebound since she started dating me a month after she broke up with him. But she said that she also dated other guys before. Because they broke up and got back together and then broke up again. I didn't know this until later. It drives me crazy sometimes, I get so jealous of him. I don't know how she can forget him or he can forget her, if they always still talk.

The good thing is that he lives far away now. But one time he came to town, and he met up with her. That made me really mad, but she still saw him. She also told me that, she'd hang out with him whenever because she thinks thers nothing wrong about it. It sucks for me, because the wrong thing about it, its my feelings.

Should I get over this? Or does she need to get over him?:confused:

I dated a girl in college who was still friends with her boyfriend from hs. He lived in her town and shed see him, as friends, when shed go home. It irked me, I was jealous, but what am I going to do... tell her who she could and could not have as a friend? They had been friends for years before they dated.

Best you can do, if you think you can trust her, is buck up and deal with it. You can tell her you're jealous... a little healthy jealousy isn't necessarily a bad thing. But after that, you need to let it go.

If you cant, then you cannot trust her... then it's a problem. If you can't trust her with an ex then you're always going to be watching your back for the guy who's going to break it all up.

Do you think after we are together for a longer time, she'll eventually forget him?
It is annoying. Its not like they hang out or anything. They just keeep talking to each other. I know he still loves her and wants her back. But he can't have her.

I agree with kp2171. You can't tell her who to be friends with. What you can do is work on making your relationship with her more exciting, present her with small surprise gifts, outing, picnics. Stop mentioning the other guy and put your energy into improving your relationship with her. Knock her off her feet with surprises.

He still always wants to know everything about her. That's how I feel. I've been with her almost a year and its been a year since they been together. He lives far away. But he's always wanting to know what's going on in her life. He sends her an e-mail like almost everyday. What is he's problem? Why does he do that? Now he's coming down this next week and he wants to see her, and she wants to say hi to him. Yeah I admit I am jealous. But its already been a year, I think its time for them to think about their present relationships or future relationship, and respect them. I do trust my girlfriend, and I know she wouldn't leave me for him or anything. But I'm tired of him wanting to always know what is going on in her life seriously. He needs to get his own life.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

okay, so i've been daiting my girlfriend for 9 months now. everythings fine. we've been thru some stuff, but we always pull thru and still together.

Why does everybody always say that? What does that mean? You've been through some stuff so the relationship could never end. I never get that. It's like a cop out for any problem between two people.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

im pretty much in love with her, she is my first love and i love it. i love everything about her. she loves me too. and we have plans for the future and all that stuff.

Why after only 9 months are you planning for the future? First love's are always tricky since you are more blinded than normal. You think perfect, fantasy thoughts about the other person and ignore the defects. Sometimes that's good, but it's always best to know what someone's faults are.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

the problem is, every since we've been together, she has always talked to her ex boyfriend. thru myspace and in rare times he calls her, and i dont know if she has ever called him. it bothers me. because he was her first love and they dated for about a year. she did everything with him. i also feel like i was just a rebound since she started dating me a month after she broke up with him. but she said that she also dated other guys before. beccause they broke up and got back together and then broke up again.

So right there that tells me she is pretty insecure. She always needs somebody in her life. After a month she's with you. That's needy. Going out with other guys during momentary break ups. Needy. She's very insecure. That's one reason she keeps talking to him. Plus she can use him as a back up plan if your relationship fails. Or perhaps she's using you since you pointed out that he lives far away.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

i didn't know this until later. it drives me crazy sometimes, i get so jealous of him. i don't know how she can forget him or he can forget her, if they always still talk.

She doesn't want to forget about him. Don't you see that.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

the good thing is that he lives far away now. but one time he came to town, and he met up with her. that made me really mad, but she still saw him.

You expressed that to her? If so then I guess that should show you what she thinks of you. Again, that's the problem with first loves. You blind yourself to this stuff. Actually that can happen with any love but when your all new to it, you allow it to happen more.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

she also told me that, she'd hang out with him whenever because she thinks thers nothing wrong about it.

Wow sucks for you.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

it sucks for me,

Good you thought so too.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

because the wrong thing about it, its my feelings.

EXACTLY!! She doesn't appreciate your feelings. It's almost like she's taunting you with this other guy. I wouldn't trust her at all.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

should i get over this? or does she need to get over him?:confused:

You should get over this by getting out of this relationship. She's walking all over your feelings. She isn't going to get over him. She still wants him in her life.

Dude you're right. In mostly everything you said. I do feel pretty blinded about stuff. I bet if this wasn't my first relationship and first love. I wouldn't just take that stuff. And I guess she doesn't understand that, and she thinks is right to do what she does keeping up with her ex boyfriends.

That's like number one rule in a new relationship. To forget your ex relationships and never ever bring them up with your new one.

But I just can't let her go that easily. We are really happy together. I just got to tell her, that I can't stand it anymore.

Um... she thinks its right cause it is right, for her.

In the end maybe you aren't as compatible as you'd like to think? Look, my wife wouldve been a little ticked off if I had still been friends with the girl I dated before her, because she knew I was pretty crazy about her. But the truth is, if I did want a friendship with that girl, and nothing more, I would have had it... and if another girl I was dating was too insecure, well that's her problem to some degree.

My wife still talks to and is great friends with her HS sweetheart. She is good friends with and works with her ex-fiancee. Who the hell am I to tell her who she can and cannot talk to and be friends with?? If I have to restrict her, then either I am insecure or she's not trustworthy, or both.

Now... you've said you trust her and you're just annoyed that mr ex is still around. Get over it.

My wife travels a lot. I know when she goes to mexico there is a guy whod do about anything to get her to come back to his room with him. It's the price you pay for caring for someone who is attractive in many ways. Other people will see the same thing you do and be attracted. Its life. Get over it.

Now... I'm not saying turn your head and get walked on. There are reasonable considerations and limitations partners give each other where friendships with the opposite sex are concerned.

But in the end... you're just going to have to be a little jealous and be done with it. Not be mad at her. Not waste time on him. End of it.

And as for the "number one rule in a new relationship"... PLEEEASSSEEE.

Please don't talk like you know all the "rules".

Your past helps shape who you are. Yes, again, there are reasonable limitations to how much time you should dwell on past relationships, but if you really want to know who she is, the past is a big part of it.

You're too insecure here. Don't blame her for that.

9 months is still the dating stage where you have fun, and get to know someone. Obviously you fell in deeper than she did so back off and get back to the fun part. Yeah, I know she loves you so much, okay believe what you want but be aware that she does as she wants when she wants and You get mad, HMMMM, what does that tell you. Back up and get a life without her, and let her do whatever she wants and YOU DO THE SAME. She is not as committed as you, so what is it you think you have here? This is so out of balance and will not work until you get equal. Date her have fun and don't worry about exes. Have the things you enjoy and do it, that includes dating who you want and enjoying it. NOPE, I don't care how much you looooove her, she doesn't feel the same . Get some reality and lose the jealous whining. NOT good.

Yeah this very unhealthy. I think she just taunts you with this other guy. She knows exactly what she's doing. Don't think for one second she doesn't. That's why I hate it when I see these posters write, "She loves me and would never do anything to hurt me." If that were the case you wouldn't be in this situation. This woman loves attention. She loves to toy with people and she loves to play with peoples emotions.

I gave someone an example awhile ago where you never give the girl more than 50% in the relationship. Eisrorx, you've given her over 50% of your heart and 100% of your jealousy. The truth is she's loving it. She doesn't necessarily love you. But she loves what she can do to you. She loves that she can manipulate you like this.

I'd recommend letting her go to work on those feelings. Look, your young and inexperienced, your not stupid or at fault. The correct response from the beginning should have one of indifference. If you were indifferent about it every time she brought up her ex she wouldn't have the edge in her game. And make no mistake this girl is playing a game with you.

Women see jealousy as a sign of weakness and the ones that toy with guys use it to exploit them. See the problem you have is your so far gone in the emotional side you can't step back and look at this for what it is. Again some of this comes from life experience but take a huge step back and look at this girl not as how your girlfriend acts, but as how human beings act. It becomes much clearer then.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

dude you're right. in mostly everything you said.

I'd like to think everything but that's just me. LOL

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Originally Posted by eisforx

i do feel pretty blinded about stuff.

You're an emotional guy. I can very much relate. I lead with my emotions too, which ironically enough leads to problems with women because they by and large are emotional people and are much better at understanding emotions, exploting emotions, and using emotions.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

i bet if this wasnt my first relationship and first love. i wouldnt just take that stuff.

Weeeeelllllll, I'm here to tell you that isn't always that case. I'm a prime example of someone who has done it over and over again. That being said, I'm also stubborn so if you can be open to learning at your age and not give so much of yourself right away it won't take you years to figure it out like it did me. That's not to say you'll never experience heartache or pain, but hopefully you'll be able to see it coming and understand it better than now.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

and i guess she doesn't understand that, and she thinks is right to do what she does keeping up with her ex boyfriends.

Your just a play toy to her. She's playing with your emotions. I'm not saying that keeping in touch with an ex is necessarily bad, but to through it in your face tells me she's just toying with your emotions.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

thats like number one rule in a new relationship. To forget your ex relationships and never ever bring them up with your new one.

The number one rule in a new relationship is... well I have no idea what it is actually. But if she was serious about you, which she is not this "rule" wouldn't have to be addressed at all.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

but i just can't let her go that easily. we are really happy together. i just gotta tell her, that i can't stand it anymore.

First let me say that I think you need to break up with her. I think you need to really work on keeping your emotions in check and not give over 50% of yourself. You need to work on your jealousy.

Look at what you just wrote though. You are in denial. In one sentence you wrote, "we are really happy together," and in the very next sentence you wrote "I can't stand it anymore." First when you are talking about feelings in a relationship you can only speak for yours. You can never speak for the other person. Never use the term "we" because in reality it is just you.

Second, she already knows you can't stand it. That's why she plays this game. I wouldn't even bring that up. Just tell her you've got other things your interested in and want to explore them. Suddenly she'll be asking herself, "What the hell does that mean?" That takes some of that power back that you've handed over to her.

Just cause they still talk and hang out don't mean anything. Have you asked her how she feels about you and him. Have you asked her if she still has feelings for him? Do you TRUST her? They could be just friends. Try and ask her these questions and then it me back.

Call me old fasioned, call me overly mannered, call me anything you like actually but I happen to think that ex's are not really great friendship material. I mean I don't regulate them to Siberia. But to back up emotionally to some pre-involvement place is lost on me. Maybe others like to do that but then they also seem to create relationships on a far more casual basis than I do, I think? Which is their prerogative. When I have looked into how my girlfriends claim they did it, its as if they turned an ex into something like a brother (BLECH!) but that all seemed a little too bizarrely incestuous to me. LOL I learned early on that ex's in the picture was a bonafide red flag for me. Which is my prerogative. And that always meant that I needed to look elsewhere when I ran into that while dating. And so I did. You may need to also. To pursue a woman who's habits are that objectionable, even if you do love her, is not right. And you're the one who is deciding to do that, aren't you?

I haven't had many relationships in my life but I have had an enormous number of friends and acquaintances. And none of them have minded when they start in about their ex's unnecessarily, I make it clear I don't care to participate in that since I have an easy solution. Lovers are a very cherished and special breed to me. I still love whoever I've ever loved and if any of them were still around it would be awkward to say the least. Its not a jealousy thing as much as it's a comfort thing, to me. It took dating more than a few men to find the ones who thought like I do. And so it may be so for you too about the women.

"extremely paranoid and unhelpfull"

That is one of the stupiest things I've ever read. Especially since the very next post the original poster agreed with me. I then attempted to help out the original poster with 2 other posts related to the subject matter. I notice you couldn't muster the time to offer him any advice. You know such as it's okay to cheat on her with another woman from another city but then wonder why she would ever leave a great catch like that. I invite you to sit back and learn a thing or two about how a real man operates.

Now that I got that off my chest this post probably was extremely paranoid and unhelpful.

I might just ask her that I need some time for myself. Because I've been feeling like she doesn't care.

I will try not to talk to her.
Maybe if she really cares and loves me. She will try to come back to me.
If I see she doesn't care at all.
She is not the one for me.

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Originally Posted by eisforx

i might just ask her that i need some time for myself. because ive been feeling like she doesn't care.

i will try not to talk to her.
maybe if she really cares and loves me. she will try to come back to me.
if i see she doesn't care at all.
she is not the one for me.

I like this idea. So have fun without her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eisforx

okay, so i've been daiting my girlfriend for 9 months now. everythings fine. we've been thru some stuff, but we always pull thru and still together. im pretty much in love with her, she is my first love and i love it. i love everything about her. she loves me too. and we have plans for the future and all that stuff.

the problem is, every since we've been together, she has always talked to her ex boyfriend. thru myspace and in rare times he calls her, and i dont know if she has ever called him. it bothers me. because he was her first love and they dated for about a year. she did everything with him. i also feel like i was just a rebound since she started dating me a month after she broke up with him. but she said that she also dated other guys before. beccause they broke up and got back together and then broke up again. i didn't know this until later. it drives me crazy sometimes, i get so jealous of him. i don't know how she can forget him or he can forget her, if they always still talk.

the good thing is that he lives far away now. but one time he came to town, and he met up with her. that made me really mad, but she still saw him. she also told me that, she'd hang out with him whenever because she thinks thers nothing wrong about it. it sucks for me, because the wrong thing about it, its my feelings.

should i get over this? or does she need to get over him?:confused:

I broke up with my olf girlfriend and she got a new boyfriend (will say this is u) and I was her first love and were still friends and talk... I would feel un comfortable in your posistion.. we have slept together and have talked about getting back while she has been dating the new boyfriend. Its not a healthy relationship for you... u could get really hurt.. either get rid of her or tell to stop talking to him or you will leave her. Let her pick

Just ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE! She chose YOU for a reason, remember that. Nothing is forcing her to stay with you, she obviously wants to for a reason. I just got out of a 9 month relationship and PLEASE don't make the same mistakes as I did: don't take her/your love for granted and TRUST HER unless she gives you a true reason not to. SHE LOVES YOU! Don't assume you can make it through anything, it's going to take a lot of work if you really do want to pull through. Also, if you're already making plans for the future, it's definitely YOU she wants (just make sure you don't lose her before then!)

Thanks liza1026. You actually give me hope. Everyone else just tells me to break it off.
Hahaha.

Ahhh so young, so lost.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

just ENJOY THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE!

Did you actually read what was going on. He can't. She keeps taunting him with her ex boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

she chose YOU for a reason, remember that.

And that reason was rebound.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

nothing is forcing her to stay with you, she obviously wants to for a reason.

Yes because he's new to relationships, a little unsure of himself and obviously senses that something isn't right here. He is giving well more than 50% in this relationship to the point she doesn't have to give much at all. It's a totally one sided relationship with her openly, in front of him either putting out feelers or continuing the emotional connection that she never let go of since she just jumped from the ex to eisfox. She gets the best of both worlds. She gets to stay emotionally attached to the ex while keeping eisfox around for all her emotional baggage.

In fact, I'll ask it. Eisfox... Does she have a tendency to complain, whine, and moan to you but never sound upset or down when she talks to the ex?

Let's not forget what the ex gets out this, he gets a girl at his beck and call anytime he sees fit. The ex controls the girlfriend and the girlfriend controls Eisfox. Eisfox, nice guy that he is, doesn't want to make waves so he goes along with this and in the end will be used.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

i just got out of a 9 month relationship and PLEASE don't make the same mistakes as i did:

No disrespect, but getting advice from an emotionally wounded female to a male who is watching his girlfriend through her ex in his face is probably not the first place to look.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

don't take her/your love for granted and TRUST HER

Why?

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Originally Posted by liza1026

unless she gives you a true reason not to.

She has. Did you read the original post at all? Good God, she's taunting Eisfox with her ex. When he's brought it up she doesn't care. She says she is going to see him when he comes and she isn't interested in how that makes Eisfox feel. Screw her. If she doesn't care about his feelings then I sure am going to step up and help to the best of my knowledge and abilitys explain to him what's going on and what's going to happen.

But you know what, don't take my word for it. Take a look at the other posters with knowledge, experiences, and abilitys well beyond my own. They are all similar. There is a constant patternn of the advice given. That is she's using him. None of us are emotionally attached to the situation like he is. He senses it. He knows it's not right. He's emotional about it. He's also trying to be a gentleman, the nice guy, and understanding and look what that's getting him. The reason is because he's getting used. Deep down, actually I don't even think it's that deep he knows what is being said by us is the truth. His never had these feelings of love before though so he's also afraid to face that reality of the loss. He's giving so much of himself and quite frankly she doesn't sound like she's giving anything.

It's his decision and that I will not take from him but don't you dare come here and tell him, the other posters, or myself that he isn't getting the bad end of this deal. He sure is. He said it himself that it's his first love so the reality might be he's got to see it all the way to know we are right. I hope that's not the case. I hope he can put his emotions aside and see that we want to help him not go through the pain.

That being said, I guarantee if he continues this path it's going to end up bad for him. I don't wish that on him but I study human behavior enough to get the big picture. I don't just through him some advice based on the fact I just broke up myself.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

SHE LOVES YOU!

SHE DOE NOT! SHE USES YOU AS AN EMOTIONAL CRYING TOWEL. Again I ask this question and Eisforx I ask you to be honest. How does she act around him? How does she act around you? Does she whine and complain to you? If you so you're the emotional crying towel.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

don't assume you can make it through anything, it's going to take a lot of work if you really do want to pull through.

He has put the work in. Seriously, did you read the original post? SHE is the one that doesn't want to change.

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Originally Posted by liza1026

also, if you're already making plans for the future, it's definitly YOU she wants (just make sure you don't lose her before then!)

After 9 months nobody should be making plans for the future.

But since they are I can tell you she's not serious. She says nice to things to him to go along with whatever he's saying, she probably gets a lot of nice gifts and attention for going along with it. But this girl is all about the challenge. There's none here. He's given her all his power. Literally all of it. Now he's telling her that he will settle down with her after 9 months while she flaunts the fact that she talks to other guys in his face. Game over. She won. She'll go along with anything he says because that is more attention and probably more gifts for her. Plus she can whine and cry to him and he acts as a friend to take her emotional baggage.

Contrast that with the ex. He calls her when HE wants to, he can meet up with her when HE wants to, and he doesn't devote or even NEED her attention or love. That game is still ongoing for her.