Hello AMHD,
Let me jump right into the problem that I am having. Every time that I try to talk to my father whom I live with, he gets very defensive, and yells at me. He yells at me all day long, telling me that I don't do enough around the house, and I do a lot to help out, but he doesn't take his share of the responsibility and blames it on me. He says he is depressed or sick or some excuse. I think he has a mental problem because honestly the way that he honestly believes I do nothing is delusional. Why is he do defensive whenever I try to talk to him? It's like he is socially repressed and he just can't handle talking to me. He is fine away from me, it's just me that he gets like this around. Sure we've got into fights and said things that we didn't mean, I mean.. coping with him is really hard, I've thought about running away a couple of times, I'm 17, I could probably make it. I don't know my other options. I guess now to sum it up I want to know what I can do to help my father, what he can do to help himself, what's wrong with him (If you need more specific details please just ask, but be specific on what you want to know), and what I should do about the situation.

Thanks
-Carl

You are probably not going to like my answer, but here it is anyway.

If you did more, and complained less, both of you would be happier. Why not try to do things before you are told to, without expecting anything in return. If your father is saying he is ill or depressed, as a son, you should consider doing more, not less.

Arguing about things daily tells me you two probably lock horns over just about everything.

What you can do, is not argue. If he finds fault or gets on you about things, just let it go, and exit at the first opportunity. Don't criticize him, particularly in a personal way with your opinions of his mental health.

If you really want to help him, try putting his needs first, and at the same time, argue constructively, and recognize when things are escalating, and end it.

You can do a lot to control your own emotions, and every time you allow yourself to engage in an argument, knowing the consequences, you are not handling things very well.

If he is mentally ill as you describe him, speak to a school counsellor, or your mother, or an aunt, uncle, etc. and try to gain some insight into the possibility. If others are experiencing what you are with him, then you can take the necessary steps afterwards. Such as seeking out medical help, etc.

If nobody has a problem with him but you, then I would say you have to really think about how you relate and communicate to him. What you are doing now is not working.

He is your father; while his behaviour may seem unjust and unkind, you can steer this ship a little better, and foster conversations not arguments.

When is the last time you two did something together. Maybe take him out fishing, or bowling or to a movie- make it a priority to do more kind things that you can both do together.

Let the anger go. Look through kinder eyes at a person who will not be around forever.

Try harder.

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Originally Posted by Carl17

I do alot to help out

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Such as?

Do you go to school? If so, how are your grades? Does your dad have a job? Where is your mom in all this? How many people live in your house? How many pets live there, and what kind?

I love it when kids say the do a lot to help out. My sons version of doing a lot is emptying the dishwasher once a week.

So, what do you do? What does your dad do? If he's yelling at you all day

Quote:

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He yells at me all day long,

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Then you obviously don't go to school and you don't have a job, so what are you doing?

At 17 your version of helping out is probably not much and if you're not in school and don't work, then you're wasting your time. I'd be upset too.

So what exactly do you do?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Carl17

Hello AMHD,
Every time that I try to talk to my father whom I live with, he gets very defensive, and yells at me.

but he doesn't take his share of the responsibility and blames it on me.

Why is he do defensive whenever I try to talk to him? It's like he is socially repressed and he just can't handle talking to me.

He is fine away from me, it's just me that he gets like this around.

I want to know what I can do to help my father, what he can do to help himself, what's wrong with him

Thanks
-Carl

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Is your idea that he might be ill only yours? perhaps there are others who could offer their opinion into this?(not for our sake,but for you to ask, you know, other ADULTS who would have a different perspective on this?)

What 'share' of the responsibilities is he to accept,in your words.

Let's say he is depressed,and you try to tell him that he is not doing something you think he should be doing,what would you think his response would be?, I would tell MY 17 year old to go to H*LL, I would be pretty upset if you try to tell ME what to do!:mad:

If he is OK while he is not around you, could the problem not be HIM,, but you?

What can you do to help him?

IF!, you are still associated with the school system,try the counselors at the school.If not the school,there are many social services available for you to contact, they will try to assist you with this, better than we could here online(as there are always more than one side to a story, his perspective and yours)

Does this make sense to you?

KBC

I can understand that you find your father difficult to live with, at 17 you're young and you haven't learnt to deal with difficult people yet (sometimes even us older people don't know how to do it!). It's also hard if you believe that he has a mental disorder, and that he doesn't see things the way you do.

My stepdaughters live with their mother who is delusional, has a personality disorder and prefers to yell and criticize rather than listen. They are about your age and have found it very difficult to be in the same house as her - like your father, their mother is fine outside of the home environment, something just seems to happen when she steps inside the door.

Both my stepdaughters have been to counseling and these are some of the strategies the counselor has suggested - I hope they can help you:

1. Don't argue - in particular, don't argue about the small things - arguing creates defensiveness, and it's really hard to talk to someone that's being defensive.
2. Be consistent in your approach and reactions - if the issue becomes, for example, how much housework you've done, just gently point out what you have done and leave it at that.
3. Try and talk to him about him, be nice and ask after his health, his work, whatever - be caring and interested (even if at times you don't feel it!)
4. Don't take the behavior personally - some people are just like this- they may be easily stressed or they may just not be coping.

If you can mange your responses then the reaction from your Dad may be different.

Sit down with your Dad and tell him you want to sort this out once and for all.

I am sure he isn't happy to be yelling all the time just as you can't be happy to hear it.

Make a list of what the responsibilities are in the household and then divide the chores accordingly.

If you must, make a chart and when you have finished a chore mark it off.This way there is no misunderstanding and both of you know what is expected of you.

When you are not arguing ask him to talk to you about his depression,see what is on his mind.Try to get him involved in a project.
Do something fun together and get out of the rut of being adversaries and try to form a bond of friendship.

Maybe even tackle some of those chores together and try to joke about things a little,lighten the mood in the home.