Originally Posted by
Nestorian
This8384, Your reasoning may seem sound in that I have left out things, but you make it sound as tho I intended for that. I assure you, I have not. I suggest that a less accusing and judgemental approch may be more welcomed by people such as my self and in such situations. Please reread and pay closer attention to what I've said. Allow me to highlight the points you seem to have missed. (And i'm sorry if I seem agressive but I did not sleep last night.)
"Now, i can't see my child for 3 years except when my ex comes to court, but she can't afford that either. SO now it's on me to put my childs life at finacial risk so I can see her, as I will not win..." - nestorian.
The high lighted part is implying that niether she nor I can afford to travel from one city to the next. then i express my feelings of confution and frustration for my having to force my ex to come to my city for court, just so i can see my child, as I know I can not stop what has happened. I have access, right to see my child, but i can not due to finacial hardship. Had she stayed, things would have been stable enough for this, but since she left, i am now paying child support $160 (no i'm not complaining, my ex offered to suspend that so i can get a computer so I can talk to her via skype/MSN. This was not to be nice, reasonable, it was only to show her willingness to reason and be reasonable. She will do anything to keep things as they are. She has expressed this to me before, but I know that wont mean jack in a court room so why say it. Her expression was she'd rather die than come back. If that makes sense.) I would have got extra money from the government, as I live on income assistence, to help pay for my child. Now I can't get taht to pay my credit card down form the thousands I had spent to make my home Baby ready, the car I bought was bigger, safer, for her, and the paternaty tests. So i can't afford to see my baby, unless I claim bankrupcy and loose my credit cards, to whitch I've been relying on very heavely since... I make 1500 amonth, thats more than the minumum wage full time workers get, but i still can't afford to do it. So i focus on school, in the hopes that i may be better finacially equiped to see her. But even then, even if I move to where she lives, my ex had expressed several time very passionately that she probably wont stay and I will end up moving there and having to see her leave again. I can't be anthing but a small fragment of my childs life, thus leaving her one opption for some one to go to, one person to relate to, one person to feel safe and loved by... My relationship may or may not be good, it's up to me/ then it's up to my child, but I can't know that she sees the videos i send, the letters I worte, the text messages i send, "Tell (MY CHILD'S NAME) that I love and miss her every day." All I know is this hurts to no end...
So it doesn't matter that I have the right to anything, because not only can I not afford it, but even if I could, my ex could decline me the access, and i know if she had other plans she would... Not becsue she hates me or wants me to suffer or loose my child but because she wants to do what ever she wants with out any one else to interfear, especially with her Dating. She has a long history of abusive relationships and i am terrifided of how many "friends" she has handling my child. She can sleep with whom ever she chooses, but not if it puts my child at risk, as my ex is very trusting in that area... and I worry. Thats all, I also want my ex to be happy. She deserves that, but not at the expence of our childs happiness.
Like I said, i lost my child. I lost the case, and there for my child was taken. I don't feel so bad for me as i do for my baby, will she wonder who I am, were I am, or will her mother let us be close... I don't think she wants' me near my child as she has said, "I don't want to share any responsibility for your child." For me i understand that to mean, she wants to be the sole connection in my childs life so she will be an important part of her life, where as no one else can replace her... That's not healthy, I just want us to be 50/50 as that is best for the child. Proving that is hard though, as few care to spend any real time to listen and hear what I am saying, rather than assume that it's one way or another...
Bipolar of course played a role in my loosing my child... "I'm bipolar, but have been relatively good, meaning no out bursts, no major disfuntionalism for a long time until my child was taken from me... Like a "NORMAL"person i ofcourse fell apart... But I never let that interfere with letters I send, videos i make, not even with being in court. I am taking this far better than any one else i've seen in court, and I see it all the time every week, as i am a court worker..." Pertaining to your idea, yeah, I may be bipolar, but again, i see people in and out of that court house every week, and I take it much better than most of them, there are very, and I mean very few who can walk out with out crying, yelling, cussing, making threats, and so on. I did that and keep working there too! I may bit*h about it here, but come on. Seriously, you'll judge me on that? Dude, people feel emotion and deal with it in different ways, this is just my way of venting... Again, How would you take loosing your child? I can not see nor talk to her, haven't in months now... how would you react?
"(Now I understand, I may seem off my rocker here, but how would you behave if you felt like your child had been taken from you, kidnapped? What if Family was your most important value, and some one took that from you, and more importantly your child! It's not me who pays, and yet i do, It's my child. I am having a bit of a manic episode, but I'm so tired i just dont' know what else to do but ask, What can I do? i can't afford to see my child, I have outstanding debt to pay for trying to give her a home at my home... so what do I do?)"
Further more,I gave a letter from "my Doctor", whom has worked with me for years on this, that expressed my efforts to get better, manage the bipolar, and that I still took my meds. Then her step mother using a professional opinion on a personal matter. That is not reasonable nor is it professional. "My ex has a step mother that is a phorensic social worker, she knows a lot about mental health, but doesn't really seem to understand it, at lest not from where i sit... I understand i may have a biased opinion, but. I have had my child for 50% of the time for 3 months why say I was and unfit parent then and not after, like way after. Her step mother siad, that i was messed up, manic (I was infact depressed.), not to be trusted with my child. She knew me for a short period of what 3 days, not even consecutive. i hardly said two words to her... She was using nothing more than a conjectured opinion, personal perspective and calling it professional. Due to this the judge said my ex has the right to decline me access to my child any time I try to see her..." She doesn't know the medical specifics to be saying much of anything, she is only using second hand news and very very limited expereince with me, to back up her conjectured opinion. I admit she was right about the phone call, I was manic. however my child was not with me. I took responible action and made sure she was cared for, so can you tell me i'm a poor example of a good parent? that i am irreasponsible? If so, then there is no reason for any one with any depression, mania, anger issues, disorders, illnesses, borken limbs, viruses, etc to have thier child. Thats what i did, i had a slight situation, and i delt with it like a responsible person. During our phone call, I had mentioned that, "I will not let my child simply drif out of my life. Like optimus Prime says in Transformers 2, "Fine, I'll take you all one." the reason I said this is due to her telling me that i will find another girl, and have kids of "my Own" and I will forget about (CHILD's NAME). So I reminded her, I'm not going to just give up, she is my child. I like to use quotes like OP's so i did, but I didn't swear at her, nor yell, just talked... Though I was manic, i managed it rather well given the circumstances.
I am, Nestorain with bipolar, not the bipolar Nestorain guy. I am still mad as ever, but as you can see i'm paying careful attention to it now, and managing it, though I'm still venting a bit due to thats something i come here for. Also i find i'm most open and honest while venting. I hold not anomosity toward you, and I'm not angery with you, a little annoyed at how you siad what you siad, but eh, it happens. Maybe you are realy nice i dont' know how your day went, or if you are just as tired as me! But just so you know, what you said seemed a little rude and heartless. from my point of course.
I don't want legal advice, I put this under children and asked, "loss of child due to seperation", and at the end of my story, "but I'm so tired i just dont' know what else to do but ask, What can I do? i can't afford to see my child, I have outstanding debt to pay for trying to give her a home at my home... so what do I do?)" and "where I used to be there for any one and every one. Now, I only have emptyness and anger." and "PLease, any one that has anything that can help, I need it."
So what am I asking? Im asking for advice, not legal, but moral. What things have others gone through that may help me survive this, if you've ever lost some one you loved, then tell me how you survived it. I want to find a way to manage not my bipolar, but my grief! Anger, denyal, fear,pain, suffering,aggonay,anxiety, confution,frustration,saddness,barganing,emptyness - torment, sorrow, etc... Please tell me what would you do...?
Thank you for taking the time to read through my message, i appologise if I seem off again or mistook your questions in any way. Again ii'm tired as i have not slept yet. Thank you.
