Ask Me Help Desk - How do I get him to trust me again?

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 8 months. We started this relationship on the heels of the untimely death of my previous boyfriend. I have known this man for about 15 years and never knew he had a crush on me when we were children. I have been married twice and have 5 children. All of my previous relationships had some type of Big lie where the man has been cheating, closet bisexual, etc. My current boyfriend and I reconnected at a party at a neighbors house. When we first got together I realized he had a lot of female friends that he used to sleep with. He said they were his best friends. I could not in any way believe that. It took him over a month to tell one girl that he was in a relationship and this was after she called him for money to get her nails done. He said he was afraid to tell her because he waited so long to do so. I was very upset. I really didn't see this going anywhere and on top of all that, he had moved into the house, he wasn't paying any of the bills, putting gas in my car, or helping with the kids. They really didn't respect him in the slightest. He blames me for down talking him in front of them. He was right and I stopped. Now its been 8 months and he just recently looked on a website I have been chatting on to many many men. There was some really vulgar talk between them and myself. One of them was my ex boyfrend from Detroit and I said something about sleeping with him and I also called my current boyfriend a sorry no good man. At the time I was pissed. We agreed that I wouldn't talk to him anymore but I was still chatting with him online (which was wrong). Mind you this has been going on for months on and off. Tlhe vulgar talking part of it was months ago around my 30th birthday that I spent at home, crying, on my porch, with witnesses. He told me I was dramatizing. I still haven't received my gift nor has he taken me out anywhere that doesn't consist of pool shooting or something to do with him making money. When we go to the grocery store he leaves me to talk on the phone. I haven't yet received MY time. My boyfriend thinks that everything we have been through this entire time is a lie. He swears I have been cheating with guys in our town and in various states. I told him that the chat line was something to do and how I'd been telling him I needed some time with him (that I've been asking for our entire relationship and not getting) Don't get me wrong, he is better now than he used to be. (Still no time) I asked him how I would have the chance to cheat when he always has my car and cell phone. He says on my break at work. He picks me up for lunch and drops me off. He tells me that it must be on my 15 minute break. I jokingly said " I hope it lasts longer than that". I did something stupid. I cheated via internet. I apologized and swore it wouldn't happen again, deleted the page, and apologized for lying about talking to my ex. Now every time I don't agree with something he's doing he throws that up in my face. He hints around that I'm a whore and I haven't slept with everyone the entire time we have been going out. What time do I have? You have got to understand, I love this man. I might be wrong but How is it he can point out all of my flaws and not see his own. Sometimes I feel like I should have cheated and is there a way to get the trust back? He says he feels like anyone can have me any time they want and I'm just looking for his replacement. I told him this must be love because I feel like I'm the one whose been cheated. I need advice PLEASE!!

How long was it between dating him and the death of your previous boyfriend? Sometimes people need time to grieve and get over hurtache and maybe being in relationships is a way of coping with this death and filling the void the death has caused in your relationship life. You also say you had a 30th birthday? And you have 5 kids? So when did you start having kids? And 2 marriages? It sounds like you have a lot of history and you are still pretty young. Maybe the answer isn't how you can get him to trust you but what can you do to slow down and take in life. I know that sometimes with all the kids and feeling you are getting 30+ and life, etc, etc you just want to find that man and settle down and have the perfect life but just because you want something doesn't mean that it's the right thing for you.. for example, when I turned 16 (aloooong time ago) I wanted a really fast sports car. My dad didn't buy me one because even though I wanted it he knew I wasn't ready for it. Instead I got a cheap 7k used car and ended up crashing it twice and getting a bunch of tickets... My dad knew better even though I thought I knew what I wanted and what was right for me. Maybe being in another relationship with this guy isn't the right move. Writing to the ex, talking bad about your current situation, having a untrusting boyfriend, and you admitting that this behavior has been going on for months, even though you've only been together for 8 months. When you find the right person you shouldn't have to convince them of things. And in the same respect when you find the right person you should have no trouble straying, online or otherwise. This is why I feel that this relationship is helping you mask / cope / with your previous histories, death, the kids, being alone, age, etc...

Also.. trust is almost impossible to get back. If you have it, don't let it go. Once you cheat, or stray, or have issues its very difficult for your mate to forgive... forgivness is truly letting go of the wrongs he has caused you on his terms.

Getting someone to trust you again is tough. Trust has to be earned and sometimes it takes years to rebuild.

All you can do is keep the communication open, and earn the trust back. And, if he does not get over it and continues to use it against you, there may be a time you have to say it's time to move on yourself.

Have you thought of maybe going to counselling together?

I can't give you advice on your current relationship because I don't think it's going anywhere - I would suggest the best thing you can do is kick him out of the house and take back your car and your cell phone. He just wants an excuse to use you & disrespect you, and you've handed it to him on a plate.

It seems that you can't survive without a man in your life - and inevitably you choose the wrong ones. The current one seems to be a complete loser who lives off you without contributing anything back!

I think that the problems go far deeper than just the trust issue between you and your BF. Two marriages, 5 children, cheaters, closet bi-sexuals, deadbeats and losers, and websites where you chat to 'many many men'...

You are on a roller-coaster ride to nowhere. Lack of trust and unreliable men have been issues in all your previous relationships and you're now creating it with your current BF, because you don't know any different.

You haven't been cheated - you are cheating yourself. You're only 30 and your relationship history has been miserable - isn't it time to slow down and take stock?

I suggest that it's time to be alone for a while and time to get to know yourself, and your children, without a man in your life. You need to examine this unhealthy pattern you're creating, or it won't stop. In fact, the more you refuse to face it the worse it may get.

Get rid of the loser - it's a good start.

In some way you got the idea that my children are being neglected. My children range from 8th grade to preschool. I don't have a problem with them. In fact, most of my time is spent with them. They r the most important thing to me. Men may come and go but my children are mine forever. They don't know everything I have been through. I keep them focused on grades not relationships. We are involved in lots of activities and I also take my days off and take them out to dinner. Sometimes together and at times one on one to let them have some alone time with me. This question that I have asked you has nothing to do with being a parent. I am a damn good mother, besides my children, one of the best parents in the world lets me know it... my father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KrysM

In some way you got the idea that my children are being neglected. My children range from 8th grade to preschool. I don't have a problem with them. In fact, most of my time is spent with them. They r the most important thing to me. Men may come and go but my children are mine forever. They dont know everything I have been through. I keep them focused on grades not relationships. We are involved in lots of activities and I also take my days off and take them out to dinner. Sometimes together and at times one on one to let them have some alone time with me. This question that I have asked you has nothing to do with being a parent. I am a damn good mother, besides my children, one of the best parents in the world lets me know it... my father.

Gemini wasn't saying that you are a bad mother. In fact, I agree with her that you need to take some time to get to know yourself and your family without the drama of a toxic relationship on the side. Just because you think you are keeping them sheltered from the drama doesn't mean that you are.

No offense meant, but children tend to know more than we think they do. Just because you stopped 'bad-mouthing' him in front of them doesn't mean they have forgotten or aren't seeing it for themselves.

All of the upset over children doesn't change the issues with your boyfriend. There are so many red flags flying that it is very hard to see the relationship.

You do seem to have a habit of not giving yourself time to learn from your mistakes, heal from the endings (break-up, divorce, death... ), find strength in yourself, and truly get rid of all the piled up baggage from the last relationship before becoming involved with the next man.

This man moved in way too quickly and is using you and what you can provide without giving anything back. You are allowing him to use resources that I am sure you would prefer to use for you and your children. Why do you give him so much freedom? Why have you given him so much power?

Where is your trust in him? What happened with all of the 'women friends' including the one HE was giving money to? Why are you allowing him to have a double standard where he has freedom but you don't?

You are extremely close to emotional and, possibly, mental/verbal abuse. He is controlling you and you are allowing him to. You are bending over backward to give him what he wants and what does he give you? Take the hint that your on-line actions were giving you and get out. You were rebelling on-line. Put that into real life and let him go. This isn't love. It is dependency and you don't need to be dependent on him for anything.

Is he around your children when you aren't there? How does he treat them when you are present and when you aren't?

Quote:

Originally Posted by KrysM

In some way you got the idea that my children are being neglected. My children range from 8th grade to preschool. I don't have a problem with them. In fact, most of my time is spent with them. They r the most important thing to me. Men may come and go but my children are mine forever. They dont know everything I have been through. I keep them focused on grades not relationships. We are involved in lots of activities and I also take my days off and take them out to dinner. Sometimes together and at times one on one to let them have some alone time with me. This question that I have asked you has nothing to do with being a parent. I am a damn good mother, besides my children, one of the best parents in the world lets me know it... my father.

I wasn't suggesting your children are neglected because it never occurred to me that they were.

I was suggesting that you spend some time getting to know yourself and them - separate from the relationship dramas of your life. Taking some time out away from men and the need to attract them - I am sure you would benefit immensely from this.

You yourself have said that there has been tension with the BF.

Of course the question you have asked relates to being a parent - your relationships are not a separate part of your life that your children don't have any involvement with. Your children are with you on a daily basis, feeling what you feel, experiencing what you experience - your relationships affect you, therefore they must affect them. It also sets an example for them - for their future relationships.

Detaching yourself from unhealthy relationships - where you can't be who you really are - has to be healthy for you, and therefore healthy for them. I really encourage you to consider it.