I am having a big problem. My mother and my husband constantly compete for my attention and the are driving me crazy! They fight with me because I want to spend time with the other. My mom watches the kids on Sundays. Today she bought my oldest $200 worth of clothes and asked me to pay half (without me asking her to). My husband got angry saying that she needs to pay it because we didn't talk about it and that the rent is due. They both want to control the children when I am the one who is actually responsible for EVERYTHING! I do everything and they both keep on fighting over how to control me and the children! I need help! How can I make them both happy and actually start helping me not just fussing about each other?? HELP!

First off you need to start by drawing lines for yourself. Sure its great mom watches the kids. But you can't be responsible for what you never authorized. Sorry but that is a deal breaker. Put your foot down. Another thing is if he isn't helping find out why. If he's tired from work then give him time to rest and let him help with something. If he doesn't know how don't treat him as stupid but show him with grace. Just because something has been done by you 1 million times doesn't mean everyone has the same method. Concentrate on outcome. As far as decisions for your children. They belong to you and your husband. Your mother needs to accept that her input is minimal. Its not her business. Draw the lines where needed and stand your ground within reason.

I agree with your husband that your mother expecting you to pay 1/2 of a $200 clothing bill without your permission or approval, is way out of line. I would have told her, sorry, rent is due. Next time- ask me.

I get the impression that for you not to put your foot down with your mother might mean that you don't want to stop the relationship as it is. Why do you put up with her behaviour, and allow a wedge to develop with your husband.

Could they be butting heads as you put it, because you allow her too much influence in your life? Does she help out financially, and you feel obligated to her? Just guessing here, but there has to be some reason why you see the problem is your mother and husband, and not yourself here. At least to some degree.

Your husband and your children come first. There is no room for three in a marriage.

If you want the behaviour to stop, then start working with your husband, instead of playing referee between him and your mother. I don't get the impression that your husband is interfering in your mother's life- it is the other way around.

You have to insist that your mother butts out. No unexpected surprises, no criticism of your husband, no interference with how you raise your children. She needs to be a grandmother with boundaries. And a mother with boundaries. And a mother in law with boundaries.

It's your mother, and in my opinion, it is up to you to establish what she can and cannot do.

Whilst I agree with the above posters that you need to draw some lines regarding your mum's behaviour, I think you need to look at the wider perspective as well. In your other post you say there are trust problems, in both directions, between you and your boyfriend (I assume you refer to him as your husband here as it is pretty much the same to you) and that he doesn't like you seeing friends or spending time alone with your son without him.

We talked about the possibility of some codependent behaviour on that thread, and now on this one you say your mum is controlling you.

You really need to work on setting some healthy boundaries for yourself as well as on working on your trust issues. This is in no way meant as criticism, but I get the feeling the more you post, that the more problems you reveal. I fully appreciate that it is really hard when there are several different things going on to get it across and I commend you for persevering but I'm wondering what else might be troubling you. I also find myself wondering why you only mention a son in the other thread but children here, are there step-children involved, is this causing any problems?

Are there any other difficulties or have you managed to cover it all now? I ask this because the better we can see the wider picture the better we can try and help.

I have 3 daughters from a previous relationship. The son is from my current.
My girls have a very active father so I don't include them in my problems with my current. My son I have to include because he's his. But yes, it's rough. I have problems trusting my husband/boyfriend and problems getting people to respect my boundaries. My current wants ALL my time that I do not demand to be for the children. My mom is left with minimal time and she's hurt about it. She has always had control issues. I fought with my ex constantly about my mom wanting to have a voice in everything that the girls did. He steps up seeing the girls every morning taking them to school and seeing them on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Sundays all the kids go with my mom giving me a kid free day which I value a lot. So maybe I let her try and be bossy because as long as she's happy she helps me. Ask me something to help you help me.

So there were issues between your mum and your first partner, and now the same thing is happening with your current one. Your partner and your mum are both trying to control you and are jealous of time you spend elsewhere. Did you have issues with your first partner around control, trust, and boundaries?

I'm trying to see how much you are letting the patterns repeat themselves here. I'm not blaming you in saying this, our subconsious behaviour is often something we are just not aware of ourselves. The first step is in trying to recognise it.

Also how is your present partner with your girls? I know they have their own father but you still have to live as a family. I'm wondering if your mum doesn't see him as having a role with your other children so steps in on that basis?

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So maybe I let her try and be bossy bc as long as she's happy she helps me.

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I think that is the juxt of the problem right there. I suspected that there was more expected of your mother than just seeing the grandchildren.

Your mother knows that you need her, because you have indicated as much with the heavy load you carry in keeping the peace, and keeping the household and family running.

While she helps you out, and you keep her happy by allowing her to help by giving in and accommodating her (the example of the clothes for instance), and life is easier for you.

But, at what cost.

Your mother needs to be needed, and you are needy.

Where does this leave your husband.

As I said before, you can't have three people in a marriage. To allow your mother pick up the slack and help you out, you expect less of your husband. But, to not work on your marriage, and the responsibilities of the two of you, you are not only cutting him short, but eventually he'll just quit trying- why bother, you never say no to your mother or draw a line in the sand with her.

I think it's unfair to judge your husband while he is stuck in the middle between you and your mother. Both of them are fighting for some authority and control.

You balance the two of them the best you can, but the cycle continues.

It is my opinion that you need to cut the apron strings to your mother, and stop compromising your role and responsibilities in your marriage.

As long as you allow her that rope, because it makes your 'job' easier, she will take it. And your husband is, or will become, resentful of her influence over you, your children, and your relationship with him.

I think it would be a good idea for you and your husband to learn how to make your marriage stronger without your mother, and also learn the tools you need to put your priorities in the right order, and stick to a plan that includes boundaries.

As long as you allow your mother to slip in the backdoor so to speak, your husband and you will remain in the position of being needy (you), and being combative (your husband).

Please get into marriage counselling, and keep this stricktly between the two of you.

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Originally Posted by QLP

So there were issues between your mum and your first partner, and now the same thing is happening with your current one. Your partner and your mum are both trying to control you and are jealous of time you spend elsewhere. Did you have issues with your first partner around control, trust, and boundaries?

Yes, but I didn't have a close relationship with him and we both lived our own lives which suited my mom very well. He cheated on me which is why we are broken up.

I'm trying to see how much you are letting the patterns repeat themselves here. I'm not blaming you in saying this, our subconsious behaviour is often something we are just not aware of ourselves. The first step is in trying to recognise it.

I wish I knew why, then I could try and change it.


Also how is your present partner with your girls? I know they have their own father but you still have to live as a family. I'm wondering if your mum doesn't see him as having a role with your other children so steps in on that basis?

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My current is good with the girls but is constantly trying to get a hold on my four year olds naughty behaviour. He doesn't fuss at them because he wants them to like him. He just constantly tells me to. He really likes the two older girls. When I'm not looking I see them all getting along really well.

I am very needy with my mom because she used to kick me out when I was 17, 18. As soon as I got pregnant she was in my life again. My mom also labeled me as the hyper bad one which destroyed myself esteem. My dad always wonders why I put up with her yet I feel so empty when she rejects me. Any advice?

The relationship you had with your mother when you were a teenager, is different than the relationship you have as a woman- as a mother yourself, and as a wife.

It is understandable that you want to, and should, have a relationship with her, but, your circumstances now should put your husband and your family first.

If you read my post to you, I tried to make it clear that while she is in your life, you need to define her role with your family.

Because she treated you badly as a teenager, does not eliminate who she is- controlling and domineering. That won't change, it is you that needs to change in what you are willing to accept and not accept from her.

I hope you will take the time to read the posts again, and see if you can see where that common thread of advice is.

And that is, you are in charge of you life, and how much, or how little, you will allow your mother in it. Considering that your husband and her butt heads and are at odds with each other as to where each has influence, defining the boundaries with where the trouble actually starts- your mother- will go a long way in making peace in the family.

What is the role of a step dad for children with a active father? I think if I know what he should be doing that would help me set boundaries with my mother.

Your mom was absolutely wrong to ask you for money for things she bought your daughter without your consent. My answer would have been to return everything and give the money back to her. It would be unfair to your daughter but also an opportunity to teach her that we cannot keep things that were given to us in the wrong way.

Second, your mother seems to be too in your hair and to be trying to dominate your household. For that reason, how about dialing back the contact? She doesn't need to be around you all the time for you to be close - grown children do have lives separate from their parents, and touch base periodically for Sunday dinner, holidays, a day of shopping. But you have the right to say, "it's not a good day but thanks for asking - maybe next weekend on Saturday morning?"

Your husband should not be controlling your relationships with other people. This kind of behavior is considered a sign of an abusive relationship - an attempt to isolate the woman from her support system is a common trick of abusive men. It's one thing if he doesn't want to spend time with your mom, but it's not his place to separate you from your family. So just as your Mom can't demand when she will be with your family, your husband should not be telling you that you can't see your mom.

These people are treating you like you don't deserve to make your own decisions - perhaps they aren't used to you standing up for yourself. As a grown woman you needn't be "obedient" to anyone - husband or mother. Courteous, considerate of their feelings, respectful of their needs - sure. But obedient is something else.

Take care!

Thanks for all the advice! I have taken away a lot from all of you! Awesome page!