I recently, for the first time, asked my stepdaughter to postpone her visit. My father is dying; we had to prepare our taxes (after my catching up 8 yrs. Of taxes my husband refused to pay) during the time she wanted to visit; I've been without a job for over a year; and am in excruciating pain from sciatica and plantar fasciitis in order to prepare the house for out-of-state guests. She refused to respond until my husband finally reached her. Today she finally communicated the years of hate and venonmous feelings towards me. We and many, many people have had serious problems with her all of her life. She is known to be violent. She lies and blows situations way out of proportion. She let me know I was worthless but that the important thing is that her relationship with her father is intact. She has cut off any allowance of me communicating with the two grandsons as well. She said I do not exist, etc. etc. When my husband and I were first married she lived with us for two years and demonstrated very seductive behavior around him to the point where she had him enticed. I ended up leaving my husband and consulted with as many professionals as I could over this. No matter how she treats me my husband does not defend my honor. If it were not for the Lord I would have had a nervous breakdown due to the abuse I have suffered all of my life. I have never ever kept my stepchildren from their father. At this time in my life, I am 59 years old, the stress from all of this right now is too much. I do not know what to do. She has always openly, purposely rejected me. People walk on egg shells around her. She must always be the center of attention and is very loud. I let my husband know that I blocked her from my Facebook page due to her abuse. My stepson tolerates me. He has been very abusive in the past also. My husband shares all of our marital issues with him and then he lectures me. What do you suggest?

Wow, first off, let me say I'm sorry that you have so much to deal with.

She sounds like she has a hatred toward you that has nothing to do with you. That's for her to resolve. Why would you need to worry about cleaning/preparing/hosting her visit if she wants nothing to do with you? Have your husband do EVERYTHING, once he realizes how hard it is to please her (without you trying) perhaps he will stand up for you. If not, I would reconsider the relationship. You broke up once already, what changed your mind to come back to him. Your husband is supposed to be your other half and protector. He isn't doing either of those things.

This really sound like jealousy on her part. When you married your husband she became seductive towards him, probably because she felt that now that you had that role in his life, she was being pushed out. It's disturbing that your husband didn't nip this in the butt.

You're on the outside looking in. The person that's supposed to support you the most is your mate, your husband. It's very obvious that he doesn't want to rock the boat, but putting your foot down with your children is a parents job and he's not doing his job.

It's not fair to you.

My question is this. Do you want to stay in this marriage? Are you looking for a way to make this all work, or are you asking for advice on whether you should stay in this situation?

Have you given up on the marriage, or are you still hoping?

My advice will depend on your answer.

Until then, keep your chin up. :)

When my stepdaughter calls to speak to my husband the next time I will be able to see by his attitude if he is supporting me or not. If he doesn't there is no hope.

When my stepdaughter calls to speak to my husband the next time I will be able to see by his attitude if he is supporting me or not. If he doesn't there is no hope.

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Originally Posted by dyocum

When my stepdaughter calls to speak to my husband the next time I will be able to see by his attitude if he is supporting me or not. If he doesn't there is no hope.

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He hasn't supported you in the past. Is there a chance that he'll support you now?

If he does, will it continue or will it be a one shot deal?

Have you considered counseling? Have you told him how you feel about all of this, everything that's going on?

I'm not saying you should leave, but his past actions support the belief that he won't support you. I hope I'm wrong.

Know that we're here if you need to talk.

I hope it all works out for you. :)

Thank you very much. After twenty years of marriage I don't actually expect more support than his sympathy today. He does not like to rock the boat with his children. I have been in counseling for almost all of the 20 yrs. Trying to deal with so many issues in our relationship with the stepchildren, etc. Because of all of this through the years I have struggled with depression. In an attempt to counteract the depression, there have been healthier avenues (ie. Church, exercise, being around positive people) that I've chosen in place of taking antidepressants for many years on and off. He has always been against counseling. In the last year he did agree to go. After one visit the counselor said she does not advocate divorce but in my case she does and wants to see only me. I think my main concern at this point, if I decide to stay is that if anything ever happens to my husband I will have my stepchildren to contend with in addition to dealing with his death. That is something I do not want to have to endure at the time. Thank you again.

I don't know if this is the box I can add something to with my above post. Some psychologists that I consulted with over the seduction situation that occurred during the first two years my husband and I were married stated that there might be an "Electra Complex"-type situation going on with her, my stepdaughter towards her father. She has always talked badly about her mother yet is like a clone of her mother in every way. The two of them actually are inseparable most of the time, are partners in crime with their scheming and manipulation, but behind her mother's back she says terrible things about her. She has also physically punched her mother in anger a few years ago. It has always been a bizarre situation.

After 20 years, I have to ask you, why are you still there.

What holds you in your relationship with your husband, and why on earth did the therapist not advise marriage or couples counselling?

From what you have said so far, this seems to be a losing battle.

Except for the first two years of our marriage, she lives in another state. She comes to visit on an average, every two years. When she has visited, she goes through our closets, etc. and openly mentions what we have in our closets to let us know, in her way, that she took it upon herself to do that. I always have had something missing after her visits also. Anyway, because she is so far away, the situation has been somewhat tolerable. For years she would call all hours of the night and rage at her father. He would always listen to her and inject apologies whenever he got the opportunity. After a few years of this she forgave him. During all of these years she has always refused to take my phone calls or return any message I've left for her. When she has called she asks to speak to her father only. We have sent gifts, etc. for years but finally stopped because her children and her never thank us or let us know when we have sent a package to them. Since we have stopped she has become more venonous towards me. The reason why I stay is because he has always been tremendously supportive in protecting me against my abusive father and brother or anyone else except his own children. My counselor sees no hope in this situation and I have been unemployed for over a year and cannot afford anaother counselor. My present counselor does not charge me for my fisits. It is a charitable counseling group.

So I take it then that you are prepared to stay in this marriage, and consequently you are accepting of what you know will happen, and continue to happen with his children.

You may learn better coping strategies, but you will not be able to stop or change behaviour that has gone on for far too long, unchecked, and not dealt with. Your husband should have long ago set some very clear boundaries with her, and you too, should set your own- tell her to get the he** out of your closets!

It sounds like to keep the peace you allow them to use and abuse you, and you've obviously rewarded their bad behaviour with all the gifts and support along the way over the years. You can't take that back now.

If it were me, and I saw her number come up on the phone, I would not answer it. (She isn't going to talk to you anyway- let her leave a message). When she is coming for a visit, you go for a visit- somewhere else, a friends' place, anywhere- until she is gone.

You have already stopped with the generous gift giving and that is good. As you've found out, giving gifts or not giving gifts results in the bad behaviour anyway, may as well keep your money in the bank.

Your husband talking to your son, and his son turning around and counselling you is totally inappropriate. When the son decides to bring up subjects that are none of his business (regardless if he has your husband's permission or not), tell him to take a hike. You do not have to sit there and be verbally assaulted- walk away, go for a drive. Tell him when you get home you expect him to be gone. Let him and his father sort it out.

I do hope you find a way to find some peace. With all that is going on right now, it is a shame that they are not there to support you- but I suppose you didn't expect them to anyway, which is sad too.

Good luck to you, and take good care of yourself.

Please don't think that at my age I plan on continuing to endure the pain. I am at a true crossroads in my life. I have a husband that is not happy unless he has emotional bonds with female friends. They are his confidants along with his son and know how he is feeling about our marriage but I never am allowed to know those feelings or thoughts. I have combated this along with his addiction to pornography for years. I am unable to reach his heart on the pain it has caused and the lack of respect for our relationship. It is my own responsibility to take care of myself and heal from my co-dependency which I have not done by staying in an unhealthy relationship. A big part of staying was not letting the evil destruction from his children in wanting to destroy our marriage succeed. My husband begged me to not let that happen but at what price?? I have enabled so many people to continue in the sickness.

I stopped answering the phone when she calls along time ago. His son is always disappointed when I answer the phone also. I refuse to subject myself that rejection any longer. Leaving her alone to visit her house in our home gives her a free ticket to steal more from me than she has in the past. Even if I remove my valuables I still feel violated from any theft at all. I have reached my end.